Ask an apprentice warlock anything
The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.
Ask an apprentice warlock anything
virginity protection level?
>>768415142
No bullsh*t trolling please, warlockcraft is NOT something to fuck around with
>>768415031
How much do you weigh
>>768415031
Can you call on spirits from the vasty deep?
What size are your tits
>>768415648
Not sure why that's relevant but since it's pretty dead around here 320
>>768415031
How much do you bench
>>768415861
I'm a cis MALE so I do not have "tits", mortal.
>>768415735
Not sure what the "vasty deep" is but i do practice various aspects of summoning
>>768415031
How do you become an apprentice warlock?
>>768416191
But do they come when you call them?
>>768416180
I don't waste my time with the arbitrary movement of weighted disks like mortals do, but back before I began my trainin I would bench 45, squat about 65, and deadlift 95
>>768415031
How often do you attract the bar wenches?
>>768415031
Ahh, the bait is strong with this one
>>768415031
Why are you wearing modern footwear and eye glasses? At least get contacts and put on some goddamn sandals you massive loser.
>>768415031
which is better?
Twinkies?
HoHos?
DingDongs?
>>768415031
Do you need to possess unholy capabilities to become a warlock? Could someone with holy capabilities become a warlock?
>>768416269
Bump
>>768415031
Have you ever considered herbalife?
>>768416687
Bump
>>768415031
Did you get in trouble because of me?
>>768416950
Bump
>>768416950
Bumping
>>768416566
I don't waste my time on wenches. I have important work to do.
>>768416597
Any and every post that isn't a porn dump is "bait" to you newfag niggers
>>768416616
Good question. Just as the Amish won't hesitate to call an ambulance when one of their sisterwives nearly dies giving birth to a three headed incest mutant child, us warlocks of the realm have accepted various modern implements out of convenience and necessity so long as they don't hinder our mana
>>768416687
Holy is a relative term. If you're referring to holy in reference to catholicism or christianity then yes, there is likely to be a conflict as success in warlock disciplines involves multiple deities
>>768415031
can you conjure a spell that will transform from the massive faggot you are into something that is not a massive faggot?
>>768415621
so +100 then
>>768416025
you'll be dead soon if you don't lose all that weight fatass
What is your overarching goal? Why did you become a warlock? Is it a means to an end?
>>768417247
That might explain my failure in the past. Thanks for helping me to understand what happened.
>>768417601
I actually had the great priveledge of working with a Zehnsivari Adept who gave me an advanced warding totem that prevents heart failure so checkmait bitch
>>768418045
kek
>>768417663
I was 26, unemployed, overweight and out of ideas. I chose to give up my NEEThood and devote my life to the arcane
>>768418045
But you'll still get the dibeetus you fat warlock fuck.
Do you wipe with a rag on a stick you you go boo boo?
>>768418045
it's "checkmate" you dumbfuck
where's your totem for spelling?
>>768417665
If you do want to preserve your Jesus worship and also study arcane arts there is a Sorcerer who works part time at Haris Teeter in the deli who has studied this extensively. I don't know much about it but there's a way to do both. It has something to do with traveling to pre-christ time and doing enchanting/ sommoning etc. from there
>>768415031
You do realize that you are wasting your life and will amount to nothing if you keep doing this warlock crap. One day you will be an old man and look back on your life and see it as wasted.
You are a fucking idiot, and in your case, the idea of your parents aborting you is not too late.
>>768418175
what did you just say bitch?
>>768415031
Web m or gif of you doing something like summoning a scuba or something of the sort.
>>768415031
For what purpose did you become a warlock?
>>768418667
>Implying that I could give two shits about my physical body considering I swore my soul to the service of the Crustacean Archlords of the Abyssal Pact
Whew lad
>>768416560
So you lifted when you were like 10 years old?
>>768419055
Seriously though, your mom should of swallowed you when she was charging your old man by the hour.
>>768415031
Got any shrinking spells? Ever think about going on a shrinking spree in a mall, shrinking all the cute women you see?
>>768415031
why are your tits so low?
>>768415031
Does life tapping mean that you have diabetes and you channel it into a usable source of dark magic?
>>768415031
Were you fucked by a plunger as a child?
>>768415031
What will come first:Casting spells or casting off 90 lbs?
>>768415031
Are those standard warlock shoes?
>>768415031
Are you a smoker?
If so, what is your brand of cigarettes?
Can you teach me? i have tried to summon gods many times, the most hard thing i need for the summoning is blood and cat heads, is tehre any way to do this? any way to train?
>>768415031
If I am not mistaken, a warlock is a magic user who has decided to become rogue and give in to the dark forces in search of greater magical abilities and control over demonic forces.
Were you a magic user before or did you start with the dark path? If I were you I would not meddle with powers beyond my reasoning, so turn away before you endanger your soul, my dear friend.
>>768415031
are you cappable to summon a succubus?
>>768419051
I was inspired by the unlikely success of Donald J. Trump to be honest. If a washington outsider can defeat an entrenched elite like Hilary Clinton, then surely an unemployed cuckold-fetishist with irritable bowel syndrom can trade 15 million years of his soul for arcane powers in a deal with deep-sea dwelling decopodal god-kings
>>768415031
When was the last time you summoned a fitness app?
>>768419483
This is a huge oversimplification of magic. There aren't good" and "evil" types of magic, theres just magic and the moral aspect is highly subjective.
Before this thread gets censored/ intercepted let me be clear: the NSA/ CIA are heavily involved in witchcraft and chelsea manning is a summoner (and a hot one at that(
>>768415031
Do your powers include:
>summoning salami?
>conjuring crepes?
>cursing kebabs?
>worshiping waffles?
>slaying sausages?
>teleporting tacos?
>bewitching bagels?
>hexing hamburgers?
>>768415031
>love this
Where do I sign up. I must warn you I'm gonna be weak at first as i have sex with women and have friends but I'll try my best sensei
>>768419883
srsly dude, just seek therapy and down some meds...this is just getting sad
>>768419723
I am not speaking of good and evil, but rather the price you pay to use such dark arts. It can be costly to you as a spiritual being without you noticing it. The dark path in this context means your personal commitment physically and spiritually.
You are correct when you say that magic can not be split into two parts easily, perhaps you are smarter than I think.
>>768419950
in order to sign up...you have to suck his dick
it's the only way he can get laid
>>768415031
Would you suck a log of shit out of Andy Sixx's asshole?
>>768419886
yes all of that, ice cream too
>>768415031
If you’re magical, why do you still weigh a thousand pounds?
Arcane Cuckoldry has been practiced for as long as men have roamed the earth. This is how I derive my power. But to even become capable of collecting such power, i had to sell 15 million years od my soul's service to the Crab Archlords of the abyss. I will finish my duty in my oresent physical form as long as it holds out, but what form the archlords see fit for me to occupy next is up to them and them alone. (Although they often make deals with the CIA). I'VE already killed myself 9 times at their request, but so far they always chose anorher human for for me to occupy
>>768420487
...and now you just proved that you are full of shit (besides snack cakes)
>>768420208
keep that out of a serious thread pls
>>768420631
Shut up bitch
>>768420208
Yes, i have been following sixx threads for some time
>>768421016
uh-oh...sounds like your blood sugar is getting kinda low
TO THE STORE!....SO I CAN FEED MY FATASS!
>>768420482
The flesh vessel i occupy is about as important to me as robert meuller
*Laugh*
>>768419180
yikes
>>768415031
Only thing I want to know, op, when was the last time you got laid? If ever?
>>768421363
I am pretty sure he does not take part in mortal affairs.
>>768421363
I had sex when I was in college but the other "participant" didn't technically 100% "know" until after the fact it was kind of fucked up
>>768421434
The next question is, should he?
See what would happen
>>768421659
did you do an illegal
>>768421659
holy fuck dude
you're not a warlock...you are a fucking rapist
In the Grand scheme of things has your quest for Power been worth the time and effort place in the forefront of your ambitions? Is the pursuit of power for powers sake worth the sacrifice of your life? Do you ever feel you missed out on some grand experiences not even magic can replicate? Are you truly happy with the choices you've made?
>>768421760
I cannot answer that question honestly for fear of inviting the wrath of the Archlords of the Deep.
>>768421742
I cannot answer that question honesltly for fear of inviting the wrath of the police.
Hey Fat-Ass!...you still here?
>>768415031
What is a warlock? What do you actually do?
>>768422069
Nothing...it's a lie he tells himself so he can continue to have no life. It's easier that way instead of actually getting a life, less work!
>>768422034
So you are a rapist.
Your fucking make-believe magical powers won't do diddly squat for you when you are in prison be pumped and traded around like currency.
>>768422034
Power can never replace the lost life time of experiences and loves. But dear warlock i wish you best in your quest i hope you find what your looking for. In truth in all i wish well to all whom have searched for that will complete what they are missing inside them.
>>768415031
TFW you can't even design your cloaks to cover your pendulous rolls of fat. When you struggle to your feet, does that thing accentuate your gunt as well?
Also, post ye olde timestamp. This is not you in the photo.
>>768421742
Second though I'm anonymous so who gives a shit. I'm NOT a rapist, asshole. A rapist premeditates and hides in bushes and jumps out and rapes. I just fed shots of everclear to a half-passed out fat girl in the basement of a creepy fraternity house who had begged me for water and then I asked her if she consented and she mumbled "ok" while throwing up so I put it in but i wasnt even fully hard because I had partaken in the Mead and then she shit diarrhea all over me so I left and never again dabbled in affairs of the flesh
>>768415031
Do you love being a virgin?
>>768422325
that IS rape you dumb-motherfucker!
>>768416191
How are you a cis male if you're not even cis human
>>768422325
This might be a reason for your usage of dark magic. But do not give in yet, choose to fight it and live your eternal life in the God's realm.
>>768422461
If anything getting shat on and having to scrub some strange bitches diarrhea off your cock is rape
>>768422325
TOP KEK
Ok ok, OP tell us the real story
>>768419055
>Crustacean Archlords of the Abyssal Pact
>Crustacean Archlords
>Crustacean
>>768422672
she wasn't able to give consent, she was fucking hammered you retard
and getting shit on doesn't negate the rape
you're fucked
>>768422595
I study the arcane to serve the Archlords, but you would likely agree with my former therapist (May she rip) that my narcisism stems from the fact that my mother had a brief and largely unremarkable career in porn
Magic isn't real you idiot, read a book
>>768415031
Are you a man or a woman?
>>768422778
Long story short, homo sapiens are not the apex species of earth, and never have been. Even the so called dinasaurs were mere plaything cucks to the super-intelligent decopodal crustacean god-beings that inhabit the crushing depths of Earth's deepest ocean trenches
>>768422855
I despise pornography, due to the whole idea being self-pleasuring and commiting the deadly sin of lust and going to the abyss after death to suffer for thousands of years. Your usage of arcane is your own choise, but do remember that if you set your foot into the demonic ways, anything that comes from beyond the material realm can not be easily banished. Salt can however repel the evilness if used correctly and you can ask help from a priest to bless you.
>>768423106
the enormity of your stupidity amazes me
>>768418441
My thoughts
>>768423063
I am a servant of the Crustacean Archlords who's names to not translate well in human tongues but going by my physical equipment I am a male. (i.e. i have a penus)
>>768423192
I had a similar, albeit less hostile, reaction when I learned the truth.
>>768423185
>>768423212
it's "choice" not "choise"
it's "penis" not penus"
learn to spell retard
>>768423335
>>768423185
Clearly that one was not op retard
You’ll never be this good.
>>768423547
What is this?
Hail satan
>>768416191
its sad when boys get turned into women. grow a pair of balls and drop this cis bullshit
*A challenger has arrived!*
This is a pretty damn successful bait thread. Good job OP
>>768423690
Ya'll need Jesus
>>768415031
Why does my ball hurt when i p
You say youre an apprentice, does that mean you learn from a master warlock? Is there some sort of warlock dojo at your local renaissance fair? What do you need to do to earn the title of Warlock master?
>>768415031
Have you ever sat on your own balls before???
>>768423915
Tfw propably cut your hand off or something
did fat-ass leave?
>>768415031
Don't you feel that your foray into *laugh* 'warlockism' is somewhat of a failure since it's obvious it never got you a gf?
>>768425330
No I'm here
Yes, there are many warlock masters. Nothing to so with renfair, although my local renfair is highly realistic and elite.
To be trained by a master you must ingest his mana
>>768426041
How long does one have to be a virgin before obtaining sage powers?
>>768426041
>To be trained by a master you must ingest his mana
yeah dude, i'm sure you ingested a lot of his "mana"
>>768415031
whats the most powerful thing you can do
>>768426195
he can do something that not everyone can do; stay a virgin all his life...easily
>>768421222
yeah, SURE, lardass
what kinda of little magic shit would you try and do after I kick your teeth in?
>>768426416
probably the magic of a BJ
>>768418441
Kek
>>768415031
A true practitioner of the magical arts has honed his body as well as his mind. A fit body is needed to have the mind at it's most efficient.
You are weak in constitution and intellect, a disgrace to wizardkind.
>>768415031
Why is it that fat asses and ugly hamplanets are the only ones who do this bullshit magic demon goth shit?
Wearing black and hanging a Wicca pendant (which is pagan feminism and less than 100 years old) won't make you lose weight.
I'll bite though:
>anon casts fatsus maximus
>it's super effective
>anon casts "stairs"
>op dry heaves
>it's super effective
>anon casts diabetes
>op loses 3 toes
>op has a heart attack
>anon wins!
Meme'd
>>768419180
And don't forget to take your new pets home with you!
>>768415031
What cursed you with morbid obesity?
>>768427334
>Why is it that fat asses and ugly hamplanets are the only ones who do this bullshit magic demon goth shit?
so they can have some kind of personality.
>>768426195
i can summon Khzilith Mar but you probably don't even realize the significance hahah
>>768415031
Please tell me youre joking, OP. You could better the world by spending your energy on doing good, not this nonsense. Look into Buddhism. That shit will make you a mental master
>>768427763
Silence khajiit
>>768423600
looks like the inside of one of the yavin jedi temples, the really old ones. http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Great_Temple_(Yavin_4)/Legends this is one of them too
>>768415031
What are useful beginner's texts?
>>768415031
Why don't you have a life?
>>768428049
No. See? Your "magic" (kek) doesnt have any effect on me.
>>768428049
No mage plays elder scrolls. You play elder scrolls to be a mage. Is that where your mage fantasy began?
>>768428746
Khajiut knows no fears now
>>768428269
The Art of the Deal by Donald J. Trump
Pigtails Round Asses Vol. 4
The Color Purple (if you're into Negroid Magic/ Voo Doo Doo)
pretty much any issue of Vogue
>>768415031
What's your attempted mastery?
>>768428920
Arcane Cuckoldry, read the thread bro
>>768423311
man i thought i was the only one who knew
>>768415031
Quick question did it take years of training to get where you are today? Or were you always this big of a faggot
>>768429922
I've been mastering my art for more than 6 months. I am not gay, however I will use my body indiscriminately to get money for more enchanted stones. My mortal form will be shed soon anyways, why not let older men fill my anus for cash. Enchanted stones are getting highly expensive
>>768430118
Nigga if you wanted enchanted stones all you had to do was ask? I got a whole bunxh of stones in my driveway and some holy water, you can even have for free
>>768423192
Of my what?!
>>768415031
how dark are your skidmarks?
>>768415031
ur mum gayyy
>>768430281
dm me pls.
Do you have any black obsidian points? purple quartz
>>768417561
If only id say his level is 1000% more than that.
>>768415031
Why such a failure ?
What is your favorite mountain dew?
>>768431046
dude, no joke!
In the past, I have worked around fat-ass lonely nerdy-losers, and all they do is drink is various flavors of mountain dew. No even kidding.
>>768431163
I must know. I bet its pitch black.
>>768431262
yup
>>768431024
fuck you you don't know about my life or the shit i've been through you fucking bitch
In Archlord Ten-Click Shithu-ghar's name I curse your penus to do small cums for three high tides (that's 37 hours and 25 minutes for you shorefaGGOTS)
ZHO-KUMA-RA!
>>768431046
Mountain Dew Pitch Black tastes like ass you bunch of faggots. I prefer Voltage
>>768416560
Fucking scrub. Those are rookie numbers
>>768415031
I WANNA KNOW YOUR CALORIC INTAKE, YOU MAGICAL FATASS
>>768431898
lmao
>>768431782
Physical fitness isn't about lifting as much as someone else. Such arbitrary concerns reflect a lack of maturity and project serious insecurities. Weight lifting is between the lifter and gravity, period. What is important is whether it is enough weight to work the targeted muscles sufficiently. For a beginner, starting with just the bar 45 pounds) is a smart choice. As long as the weight increases as you gain strength, it's fine.
>>768415031
I weigh 262 and I'm trying to lose weight and get my shit together before I end up killing myself. Are there any anons out there who might be willing to give me some advice or a hand, or even any anons who might be in the same boat who need a friend? I am really trying to stay positive and have already made some good changes in my life but its hard for me to maintain right now, really need a friend...
>>768431898
I consume about 4600 calories a day, or whatever 2 chipotle burritos and a case of mountain dew is plus snacks and meals
>>768416191
> i do practice various aspects of summoning
Pizza's?
>>768432213
Just keep at it. Baby steps. You are capable of achieving your goal as long as you keep at it. If you stop, you will never get there.
>>768432382
I know, I already used that method to quit smoking and improve my diet etc...but I just feel so alienated by society. Like im a child molestor or something even though im not and never would be.
>>768432213
I am in a similar situation, I actually found this info over at /fit/ very helpful
http://liamrosen.com/fitness.html
>>768415031
I've been a warlock for 15 years, OP.
>>768415031
I am working to become a very powerful being.
Do you know how i can become a god or a archdemon faster?
>>768432621
Yeah? On which realm?
>>768432621
Well met warlock. Have you worked with/ encountered any mages from the Abyssal Pact?
>>768432509
thanks, not feeling very motivated right now but i will look at it tomorrow when i hopefully am less depressed.
>>768432692
also wondering
>>768415031
I'm calling you out faggot. You have no experience or abilities. You are a level 0 whorecock. My post is proof and defeats you in every way. Good luck cleaning my cum stains out of your dress.
Warlocks gain power from bargaining with a powerful entity, with whom did you bargain with for your powers?
>>768433094
not everything is dnd 5e
>>768432816
it's a shit load of info, the take home I pulled from it is:
Diet + Exercise = physical and mental health
Count calories (there's several good free apps that help do this) and stay under whatever limit is appropriate to lose weight
Eat better foods if possible (lean proteins, greens, etc. No fast food)
Get a $10 shit gym membership and do 30 mins cardio (i do elliptical because I'm fat and it doesn't shred my knees) every single day except rest days where necessary. Start doing the 5x5 compund weight lifts once you're closer to your target weight.
I've only lost maybe 5 lbs because I eat too much and skip days when I feel like it but I feel better/ less like jumping off a bridge. It helps way more than SSRI's. It helps you feel good
>>768433094
Read the thread nigger, I've answered that question at least 4 times
>>768418742
>>768419449
>>768432213
I'm in the same boat and need a friend
I <3 BBC
>>768415031
Have you came out to your parents yet?
Use your magic and summon some pussy.
>>768434978
why? I have a pornhub premiuym acciount
why do fat?
FAT
>>768435383
FAT FAT
Haha your like a microsoft fat 32 file format. Cause your dicks micro and soft, you fat and you a 32 yo virgin
why is that image the first thing i tought of when i saw you ?
>>768415031
I hope that you get all the attention that you need. You are obviously so much smarter than everyone else. I bet that you'll be the first to summon something real and tangible. Good luck dude!
>>768415031
can you remove curses at a distance? my best friends mother thinks I stole from their house when I never actually did and I think the ghost in his house is responsible.
>>768415031
what kind of spell do u intend on casting when u master ur talents anon-faggot-kun
>>768415031
>y those have $0!!?
What level am I if I have magic potencial at 18?
because i'm
>>768433536
>>768436021
Yea that's actually a pretty tricky one, friend. There's more than one way to hang a nigger, as they say. If it were me I would probably construct a shrine to the Archlord Ten-Click Shithu-Ghar (you need a crab's claw, a bowl/ bottle of sea water, some incense, and some sand) on their property and basically threaten the ghost to knock it off or face the Abyssal Pact's wrath
>>768436592
How’s the 8th grade going? Are you getting good grades?
>>768415031
So I once woke up and spit out a tooth about a half an inch long and wide, only problem is I havnt lost any teeth, it was deformed to all hell (only had the root), checked my dog had all his teeth, older dog, not getting new teeth. What the fuck does that mean?
>>768436663
that being said you don't serve the Clawed ones so they would likely ignore your request, then if the ghost called your bluff you'd be fucked/ look like a faggot
>>768436786
Never heard of that, doesn't sound good though
>>768436682
I will use magic misils from my house
>>768436854
Oh and I also havnt been sick in over 10 years, despite trying my best to get sick. And my dick leans to the left but I get erect to the right.
>>768437139
Good for you I lick public hand rails and rub my dick all over the inside of public toilets before I suck myself off you don't see me bragging about it in a wizard thread
>>768437452
Well why the fuck not!?
>>768437572
because I'm not a faggot
