I resent my wife.
I think it's mostly because when we first started dating she had a crazy libido and I thought that would never change.
Now she wants to have sex like once or twice a month. I could handle that, but she refuses to get me off when she's not in the mood, and doesn't like that I masturbate.
What do /b/?
bumping with tits.
I'd like to get over it, but it's causing all this anger in me and I feel like it's building more and more towards abuse.
I've definitely told her that it's a problem for me. Every time I bring it up, it seems to just make it worse.
She has a history that includes sexual abuse which adds another layer of complexity, because asking her to do things sexually when she's not in the mood, feels rapey and it has gotten to the point where I don't really enjoy sex with her much anymore because it just feels like I'm forcing her.
Is there any way to just get over it and accept twice a month sex?
Real talk, first, tell her how you feel, give her time for that to sink in....if she is unwilling to change, divorce and move on....it's part of what the grown ups call "growing apart"...when you are young you put up with no sex because you feel like that is part of the deal somehow....well, it isn't. If it is important to you, and your life partner doesn't want to make you happy that way, then you can either settle, and hate yourself, or, divorce, and find someone more compatible. There is no shame in moving on to someone that makes you happy, as long as it is for the right reasons. Voice of experience..my ex was the same way, spent two years working on it, including professional counseling, and had to finally see the reality. Now, remarried, sex is great and plentiful, love her to death, feel like I wasted time on the first.
you r not being realistic. twice a month is ok for a longterm couple. It's far from ideal but not ' bad'. consider cheating on her but just on a sexual level. make sure she doesnt find out dont be a fuckboi
Sounds great, but that only feeds the resentment. Trying to make her jealous is just dwelling on it.
My goal isn't more sex, my goal is to get over my anger towards her.
I have. It just feels bad
I'm starting to realize this, but we are very very compatible in every other way. My primary goal is to stop resenting her. I just can't seem to make that happen
These women are called damaged goods for a reason. Either accept her for how she is, therefore removing sex drive from the relationship, or man up and move on. You don't have to fix her, you two, together, need to be happy, of that isn't something you can do with her, then you owe it to yourself to find a girl who can.
Fuck you men? No, fuck women. We are men, we have sexual needs. Just as women have the need to talk and complain about their day. If i have to listen to my girl bitch for 30 min about how much she hates some girl at work, she can jerk me off/blow me or fuck me from time to time. Also, tits or gtfo you know thr damn drill.
I'm sure there was more to it than that. Saying fuck you men is an immature approach to life.
But she wasn't that way at first. And as I said before, I'd like to learn to accept it, but am struggling there
Excellent. We're on the same page. How can I work on it?
I know that's not the case but w/e
Be open to the possibility that the reason you resent her is because you are not compatible in a way that really matters to you (not everyone has teh sex drives). She isn't withholding sex, she isn't interested...so either find a way to get her interested...or, there's the door..
your using your women wrong. read this.
I really really don't want this to be the answer
"A history that includes sexual abuse" is one of the big red flags to watch out for in women.
Either, she is lying (which is probably the case), or her psyche has suffered from some imagined or real abuse and she won't ever have a normal relationship.
Get out while you can and find yourself a drama-free partner. You're not responsible for other people's failure at life.
I did everything he wanted me to do, I was a robot for him, i got sick of his dick because it started to hurt, so I switched to blowjobs for a month straight and he left me over a text
Oh, once my gf got on bc her sex drive was kill. We have sex 1 maybe 2 times a week if im lucky. Even then it feels likes shes doing cuse she feel obligated. But now, she switched to the weird shaped thing that goes up her snatch and we are back to 3-5 times a week.
You explain to her that her options are to assist in the process, or get the fuck over the idea that you masturbate. It's your body, you can do whatever you want with it.. it's her option to be involved.
This. Damaged fucking goods.
>But she wasn't that way at first.
Of course she wasn't. No woman in her right mind tries to ensnare her potential cash machine by being a frigid, uptight bitch. During the courtship phase, even damaged goods can take a pounding, but when a relationship settles in, their true nature takes its toll.
please for the love of god dont tell me youre this much of a cuck. relationships between to people involve compromise maybe schedule that shit. Also the resentment will stay so long as you keep acting like a cuck about it thats just how it be. be honnest with her let her know that masturbating atleast twice a week reduces your risk of colon cancer. let her know that she makes you feel unattractive just be honnest with her and if she has a problem with it just hop the fuck on tinder my dude
Keep jacking it and tell her to join in if she wants to. Otherwise fuck off.
If men can't tell women what to do with their uterus, fuck off if you want to control our dicks.
Roe vs. Wade.
It's not imagined. She was abused by a group of boys for years from age 8-13ish
It's not drama in the usual sense. It rarely ever comes up. I think it's affecting me more than her in that I feel bad anytime she's not in the mood but does something for me and then I resent her for making me feel bad for not wanting it
She's actually quite jealous of me. I brought it up at one point which was a mistake
Yeah that's kinda been established. But it also feeds the resentment because I feel guilty everytime I do
I've fooled around with others. It's thrilling and unfulfilling.
She earns about 30% more than me
Does she at least let you go down on her? Is she still attracted to you? Did you get fat? Are there times when you don't want sex and she does? Is she mad about something else and using this as a weapon so to speak?
She seems like more trouble than she's worth, or like she changed once married- or actually never liked sex since the beginning and faked it, and now this is her true self.
I think you really need to talk to her, improve the relationship in all the other ways and see if her feelings change. Don't do it just for sex, do it because you love her and sex is the byproduct. Maybe she feels you treat her as an object? Not saying you do, just guessing what some random persons wife is thinking.
Is she fucking someone else?
stop being a fucking cuck and swing your dick like the american you are. this great nation was founded on swinging our dicks! what happened when japan bombed perl harbor? We fought one of the most bloody wars and then swong are dicks into the heart of their homeland ruinging the lives of many generations after. What happened when south korea said we dont really want an airforce base here? we swong our fucking dick moved a bunch of aircraft carriers into their waters and threatend to leave them defenseless to the north. S W I N G Y O U R D I C K O P it works for Donald it can work for you too
As if that wasn't the first thing I tried.
Nothing's ever good enough...
Not fat, I go down on her when she's in the mood (once or twice a month)
No, I'm always primed and ready. She's not withholding, she genuinely just doesn't want to have sex.
She's not fucking anything else, and these days, out of resentment, I definitely do treat her like an object sometimes.
I'm not american and I don't subscribe to your bullshit ways.
I have been. I get angrier every day. I worry I'll take it out on her or the dog soon
welp this is why your wife doesnt want to fuck you. its obvious you do not know the way of swinging your dick around and taking charge. have fun being cucked by some dude she told you was just a friend with a stack of divorce papers on the counter of the kitchen sink
The point is, I want to be happy. This would not make me happy.
It's usually something like "I've been trying, I can't believe you haven't noticed, that's so hurtful" and then there's a huge lull
I feel like this advice is coming from a good place, but I'm not ready to consider it yet.
>she was abused
Not imagined? Were you there? Do you have physical proof that it happened?
>She earns about 30% more than me
Not that big of a factor, as long as you seemed like a "good catch". Now you don't, and that's the only reason practically no sex is happening. Ask yourself what changed since sex was good - it might enlighten you.
You sound like someone who still thinks women function like men; they don't.
>doesn't like that I masturbate.
This is the worst part and shows that not having sex is a power trip and shows control over you.
My first wife was like this, so I divorced her.
Second wife is great.
We have sex regularly and will almost always put out when asked. When she can't, she offers something like me jacking off onto her ass
Sorry to say this, but "get out." It's that simple, even though I know it isn't simple at all. I had a very similar situation with my wife and I DIDN'T get out. It gets tougher the longer you wait, but it NEVER gets better. Now, it's too late for me to get out and the feeling that your wife is the biggest mistake you have made in your life is not the way to go through life. Really -- get out in as a classy and least hurtful way possible. Tell her that it may hurt now, but it is better for both of you in the long run. You don't want to be married to someone you resent, and she isn't getting the most out of life/marriage being married to someone who resents her.
I have an idea then, completely forget about having sex with her for awhile. Tell her it's okay and that you love her and will be there when she's ready. Let her be the one to initiate intimacy. Still be respectful and loving. If she never does then make a decision about whether you want to be in a sexless marriage. If she does start showing interest, take it slow and make sure she is taken care of more than you, a minimum of 1 orgasm for her before you bust your lil baby nutsack
>"I've been trying, I can't believe you haven't noticed, that's so hurtful"
Female bullshit bingo. Trying is nothing. Doing is everything. And if she doesn't even have the decency to move her ass a little while you do all the hard work, what respect does that imply she has for you?
A relationship either works both ways or it doesn't. Be fair, but blunt: no sex means no relationship.
OP, take it from a man who has been married twice, first one was fucked up, second one I changed my attitude and its working. Firstly do not listen to the virgin fags on this board telling you to divorce her. Thats fucked up advice. Divorce will *amost* ruin your life and will be something that affects you for the rest of your life. Secondly, find out why she doesnt want sex. Is she tired? Is she having health issues? Is she a sex abuse survivor having bad memories coming back? Or are you simply not getting her off good enough? This is something you can talk to her about, just use common sense, dont be a prick about it. Then work on it. In the meantime just develop some sneaky ways to jack off, its not that hard. Good luck.
>and I thought that would never change
oh sweet summer child...
This is good advice, but it truly depends on the person. Some people may be able wait it out, some people need to bust three nuts a day in order to not sexually assault someone. Also, women usually to hold out on sex longer than men, especially the aforementioned wife with a libido disbalance.
>If i have to listen to my girl bitch for 30 min about how much she hates some girl at work, she can jerk me off/blow me or fuck me from time to time. Also, tits or gtfo you know thr damn drill.
words of wisdom
Agreed. Also OP, alcohol makes everyone horny. Get out with her, drink with her. Women like being fuckbuddies but they tend to not like getting married to their fuckbuddies. Sometimes it's easier to turn a stranger on than turning on your own wife.
This is coming from a happily married guy.
Hah. Once or twice a month, you’ve still got it not bad.
Wait until it drops to once a year. Happened to me with my ex who also started off a complete nymph, five years later by the time we split up the sex had just stopped. She also reported a history of sexual abuse.
If it keeps getting worse and your partner is unwilling to try and address it through counselling leave her.
Sit her down and tell her that she needs to work on it, and if she really cares about this relationship, she should take you seriously. I had to sit mine down to talk about the same issue. She ended up apologizing and explaining a couple things. I responded with “I am more than happy to help you relax and feel more comfortable, but I’m telling you as your partner that I am unhappy in our relationship, and if things dont change, do those reasons matter as much as the bond we have?” Sometimes women just need a reality check, man.
>women are like dogs
>women don't know what they want
There was some insightful stuff in here, but also a lot of dubious pickup artist stuff. I'm not really sure what to make of it!
If she's on hormonal contraception get her off of it stat.
It's a massive libido inhibitor.
I know from experience. Once my fiance went off of hormonal contraceptions we went from having sex 2-3 times a month to 3-4 times a week.
tell her to suck a log of shit from Andy's asshole
Alright, you seem to be getting meh responses but you keep answering sincerely. I'd recommend reddit for your level of effort if you want more thoughtful advice. Instead, I'd guess you're venting. So I'll throw some things out there since I got halfway through a professional counseling degree, and you can take it or leave it.
Studies generally show that having sex more than once a week doesn't statistically impact the happiness of a marriage, but it's common for one member to fixate on sexual frequency as a central problem when there's actually a lot more going on. As some have already indicated, at even half that you're doing better than a lot of married couples. My wife just had a son, we're 4 months in and we've had sex once. Wrap your head around that. I'm not saying that sex can't be important to you, I'm just saying that your fixation on it might be rooted in deeper problems.
Ok, so next point. Coercion...
So it's messy when it comes to expectations around sex. Most attractive women have been in a relationship where their sexual performance affected how they were treated, affirmed, and valued. That means a lot of women have a weird instant-off button when they feel pressured into sex. Some women will do it anyway out of obligation, and that is the worst fucking sex. True story. For the first years of my marriage, my wife did that to me and I got to the point where I would far rather jack off to porn after I tucked her in to bed than deal with the emotional complexity of the woman I love turning into a mannequin.
The breakthrough was that we both needed to establish that something wasn't right, we both needed to have some self realization about our own feelings. We needed a lot better communication. But it had to start with me calling her out. I'm a pretty assertive personality, but I'm also emotionally stable and use it sparingly, so when I said we needed to have a frank conversation I had her 100% attention.
more in a moment..
So the time and place was important. I opened with setting some ground rules – that I was going to say some things that she wasn't going to like, make her uncomfortable, or similar. I didn't know if I was right about my interpretation of the problem, but that there was one. And then I told her that the subject was our sex life, but I needed to give it some context before I could tell her what I'd been thinking. Final ground rule, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I can say it all in 10 minutes. Once you've heard it all, you can respond to it and then I want you to think about it and we can talk about it more later.
Here's the context that I had to set first...
I spent the first 5 minutes telling her that I was sincerely, completely committed to her. That her heart was more important to me than her body. That she was my best friend, and nothing would ever change that. I told her that most couples go through this, and some of them never resolve it and it just grows until it threatens important things. A lot of couples instead grow through the emotional complexities, learn to communicate and pursue each other and manage their own expectations and feelings, and grow to having the best sex lives they've ever had. Studies also show that long married couples with good sex lives wildly outrank their happiness with sex than the most successful pickup artists and players. The best sex happens in long committed marriages, but it doesn't happen accidentally or without a lot of work. You're committed to finding that with her.. That's the context.
same with my gf, she had to switch to another pill because she was taking a shitty low dose one called aubra and bleeding for a month straight. when it stopped her pussy was dry as fuck and she was always being a bitch.
Final post because I've spent too much time typing this shit out.
But once you've 1) set ground rules, 2) affirmed the fuck out of her, 3) given context ... then you can have the real conversation. And this is what it looked like for me and my wife.
I called her on the carpet and said that I didn't want her body I wanted her heart and her soul. Her body is part of her. I want to make love to her, all of her, completely. She knows I'm dead serious about this kind of shit, I wouldn't have married her if I wasn't serious about love and commitment. I told her that, even when she made a lot of effort and sacrifice to be physically with me, when she was emotionally absent, we were both missing out on the best story we could have together. I wanted complete intimacy with her. She is my wife.
I told her that I was aware of some things that I didn't have first had experience with. We could get counseling. Or we could read a sex book together, about pursuing emotional intimacy that leads to physical intimacy (we did). We could have more frank dialogue and we could begin to change our thinking about sex from obligation to instead looking at pursuit and desire, and how those things come together for each of us.
Most importantly, it allowed us to have these conversations without the melodrama, anxiety, fear of rejection. Because we were growing something together.
I'm not saying we have sex all the time, or that it's always the best sex. But we have a good sex life. Sometimes it's every week. Sometimes, like with our son just being born, it's not super often. That's ok, we're actively talking about it, and both know what we need to do to help ourselves emotionally so that we can grow back together. But I don't have constant fear and anxiety, and we both know it's going to be good again. Oh. And our sex is amazing.
Don't walk away from your marriage for some girl that needs or desires constant sex for their affirmation. That's it's own nightmare.
Bro, I was in the same place as you are, without sex abuse, etc...
As long as you are meeting her needs (whatever they may be... security, conversation, non-sexual intimacy) and the only issue is her psychological aversion to sex you have to be very blunt about it.
1 - An "intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship" (not "sex") is needed in a marriage.
2 - You promised monogamy, but not celibacy.
3 - You both promised to forsake others. She has forsaken you.
4 - If she has physical or psychological issues, it's up to her to address them.
5 - If she doesn't think a fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship is necessary in a marriage, tell her you want an open marriage.
6 -Walk away if she's not willing to work on/solve these problems.
>once or twice a month
Pff, try once every 2 years for the last 6 years. My wife hit her mid 40s and her libido just vanished. I'm 14 years younger and definitely still want sex.
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We were 21 and 35 when we met, 27 and 41 when we married. She was a librarian and bellydancer. I thought she was hot. Sadly she just lost all interest. Also put on a load of weight.
Best advice in the thread right here. Be adults about it. It doesn't matter if women pretend wanting sex is petty. Sex is an unbelievably important part of a serious relationship. It is completely valid to split up over lack of sex, but talking it out properly like adults is the way to go.
Have the exact discussion anon advised above and if she understands and is willing to be better that is ideal. If she is not separate on as good of terms as possible. It's not wrong to want regular sex from your wife. You deserve it, Bud. And she's better off with a libidoless man. They do exist.
Either you cheat on her, easiest no problem solution if you are halfway disciplined,or you take the fight.
You're might have friendszoned yourself in the relationship. Think about it.
If you confront her about it, you must chose a path that leads to your goal rather than just vent.
Why doesn't she want to fuck? Either her libido is just low. Might be hormones, her getting fat or every day life leaves her too tired to bother. If you had a relationship with an obvious power dynamic, where you could boss her around, you could just tell her it's sexy time tonight and get the fuck ready.
She could also be fucking someone else.
You might try the open the relationship up approach, or the "spice things up" way and try to include another girl. Tell her you understand that you can't demand that she makes you happy, but if she wants you to be happy then somethings gotta change. Or it wont last.
Masturbate all you want. "I should be good enough for you." only applies if she's actually trying to be enough of a woman for you.
If you cheat on her remember the basic rules:
1. No evidence. Ever. Nothing on the phone, don't save pictures, emails or chats. Never log into anything you use to contact the side chick other than your phone. Check for evidence regularly. No paper Trai. Use cash if motels etc. Don't fill up gas at strange places, don't use find my phone and shit. Don't park infront of a strange house. (Use the garage if you must.)
2. Communicate with side chick. Either you get a professional or you get someone you know wont/can't blow the whistle. Don't lead her on if she's a normal woman. Don't tell her you'll leave your wife etc.
3. Never stick your dick in crazy. Avoid married women. Her talents at discretion might not be stellar. Avoid the angry vindictive husband thing.
4. Get a hobby. Say it's to focus on something apart from how much you want to fuck her in the ass daily. Hiking or cross country running etc. Incidentally things you can meet up with horny chicks while doing and take time and are unsupervised.
5. Never tell anyone, ever. You take that shit with you to the grave. Save no pictures, no emails etc. Not even once. Unless you want to use it as an alibi to end the relationship and making it about her inability to satisfy you. You wouldn't believe how common this is
Me? A little, I'm pretty fit though. I've got a fairly stressful job (postdoc researcher), she's got a fairly stressful job (admin at a university). Emotionally I'm actually every happy, it's literally just the sex I miss.
meet her in eyes, not ashamed of yourself, but proud of her
watch her work and admire her openly for her fortitude and skill and creativity
offer a lending hand sometimes
it will be appreciated
approach everything she says from the perspective of trying to understand and validate her feelings
come up with little things that send the correct signal
shes natural at picking up any subtle clues
let her be an artist
stimulate her artistic side
give her the confidence boost and positive and thoughtful feedback she needs to do her thing
>Masturbate all you want. "I should be good enough for you." only applies if she's actually trying to be enough of a woman for you.
Here's the danger with that, If she knows he jerks off to take care of his needs, she'll think that his needs are being taken care of. Yeah, jerk off all you want but don't let her know.
This is all about "sex ranking". When the sex ranking is equal, there's no fear that your spouse will be attracted to another woman because he/she are on the same level as you.
But if you work on yourself, get fit, groom, dress better then your spouse will notice competition. If they don't, then when you pull the divorce trigger you'll be dating material.
Yeah this is pretty rough, but not uncommon. If you're both professionals with functional lives and relatively emotionally fulfilling friendship, it's unlikely anything will change and you'll die sexless without children. Sorry my friend. At least you can come to terms with it now.
Dude, I've been married for fourteen years.
My wife still sucks my dick anytime I tell her to, and she does a great fucking job of it.
I know she doesn't always want to, but she treats me with respect and dignity.
In return I work, I take care of her, I love her, and I treat her good.
Now, I went through A LOT of fucking stupid bitches before I found my wife. It's not like I found my great wife easily. I had to go through a lot of fucking cunts.
Listen to me. This bitch won't get you off now, she gives you shit about jerking off, and in general, she's decided she runs the fucking show.
I know it's hard, but you need to make this whore, "One of the ones I went through before finding the right one.".
Don't cuck yourself. I know what I'm talking about. The first week is going to suck. The first month is going to suck.
By month two, you are going to look back, laugh, and be so thankful you got out when you could while you were still young.
I'm not bullshitting you. Get the fuck out and let her be some other poor fucker's problem who doesn't respect himself enough to find a decent woman who respects her man.
what the fuck i am actually surprised /b/ can bring up such a thurough discussion about long term relationships when literally 2/3 are "fap to this and that shit threads
it truly amazes me that this shithole is actually being browsed by rational thinking human beings and not only by omega male nerds who lost hard at life
Just rape her, you dumb fuck.
Keep raping her everytime you want to fuck and she'll start to enjoy it. Take what is yours.
i dont browse 4chan or b that intensely, i come by every other month when im bored as fuck and this thread in particular is one of the best i catched in over 10 years of coming in over once in a while, but yeah thanks for the advice
I see this issue all the time. It's not a love thing or whatever. She is either bored, unsatisfied in bed, attracted to you, or sleeping with someone else. Figure out which one and the solution is easy to figure out.
Time to move on, anon. Either negotiate some kind of open relationship or else divorce her. She's not taking care of you sexually, which is a basic thing a wife should do. I had a similar situation with a gf. She was basically only attracted to novelty. She wanted the thrill of getting to know a new person. We agreed on an open relationship, but she starting neglecting my needs, so I told her what a shit partner she was being and tossed her to the curb. You have to stand up for your self-respect and dignity, anon.
You're going to have to ask her if she still finds you attractive.
She could just be bored of you even if she doesn't find you unattractive. That is the worst case scenario, because at that point she's not even trying and she doesn't want to. You're going to have to outright tell her that's how you see it. A relationship involves compromise. If she won't let you jerk off yet won't get you off, there's no compromise.
Good luck, op.
It's one of the relatively free places on the Internet where you can post anonymously and learn what people secretly believe but would not admit in public.
I think that it's a really common problem that a lot of women start losing interest in sex about a year into a relationship. It's happened in most of the long relationships I've been in. It's really hard to prevent this from happening. Women's libidos aren't as consistent as men's.
And yeah, oldfag in my 40s here. There are plenty of us, even though /b/ is mostly 14yo virgins.