What crimes has /b/ commited? Doesn't matter if got caught or not.
Law breaking stories go
>>767462640
No laws broken here, officer.
I jaywalked once.
stole 300 dollars from an old woman with alzheimers
to this day her son thinks she just lost it
>>767462640
I drove like 3 or 4 miles over the speed limit yesterday.
Whipe wearing dark sunglasses stared at a woman's breasts for at least a minute
>>767462640
Lsd was probably the most illegal. That or bringing weed across states
Didn't declare fruit in the vehicle when crossing state lines
>>767462640
stole a bag of coffee-flavored candies in the supermarket. Literally ate all of them of the way back home on my dad's motorcycle so he won't find out
I've stolen about $2,000 worth of miscellaneous items over the past couple of years. I don't make a hobby of it, certainly don't brag about it. Just some stuff that happened to be in front of me that I wanted and the opportunity was there.
used to pretend i was 18 online just to look at porn
Theft by deception in the workplace under $10,000. In the middle of it all right now. Company claims it was $9,000 but it really was not (items were used and worth maybe 1/4 of that) I’m young and in college with a great GPA so a diversion program is the most probable outcome. Don’t embezzle /b/oys
>>767464530
Ouch. Im sure you've learned from your mistake. Next time don't be tempted, or cover your tracks better, whatever.
Hope they are lenient on you
>>767463542
is that a crime?
>>767462640
I drive fast and eat ass; sodomy is technically still a crime in my state, so the eating ass part makes me str8 thugnasty
>>767465183
Oh fuck yeah dude. I’m scared beyond straight. Shits been going on since February. Court this morning where I paid the company the $9,000 back and then my lawyer has 30 days to talk to the DA about diversion. I should be alright but this is all pretty shit. I live in a college town. My tracks where pretty solid but only got caught upon much further investigation whenever the company found some minor instances of it happening. They pretty much only found the pattern because of the ones where I wasn’t trying to hide it. Lesson learned though
>>767463218
Yup, you're going to burn in hell for that one
The list is super long, but I guess the worst ones are stealing shit like beer and food in stores (probably amounts to like 7-8 thousand usd), doing drugs and minor selling of said drugs. Nothing crazy
Punched out some chicks window because she almost hit me with her car and I was pissed. Got arrested for that one too.
>>767466133
My old employer accidentally deposited 7,000 into my bank account and never noticed it.
>>767462640
Sold drugs from 18-22. Best customer was a commercial pilot who had a 200$/day Oxy habit. Another kid I sold coke to drained his grandmas bank account to buy from me, hes dead now.
Steal from walmart to this day even tho I dont need to. Fucking paying 20 bucks for a big bag of dog food. leave that shit in the bottom of the cart. If they say something just say oops, I forgot. (which has never happened)
Smuggled a few grand in drugs back from asia earlier this year
>>767466358
Have a child with a customer who would owe me her whole pack check, pretty much every two weeks for weed and xanax.
>>767462640
>Smoked weed for 10+ years daily
>sold weed for a few years to pay for said aforementioned habit
>shoplifted a lot
>various low key scams as a kid to get cash for drugs and smokes
>lots of pointless vandalism because I was in an anarchistic mood
> tried to kill myself 5 or 6 times (stupid that's illegal innit?)
>molested an 11 year old a few times, nothing too serious but certainly crossing the line of platonic affection.
Any other questions officer?
>>767462640
Jaywalking, trespassing, petty theft, public urination and defecation, minor vandalism.
Also beat a guy halfway to death once.
Sold bootleg dvd box sets out of my trunk that I got from china.
Freinds, Sopranos, SATC, etc.
Also knock off iphones from china.
Made quite a bit be4 I got caught.
>>767466509
11 year old, how was it?
>>767462640
Um, no, I'm not some sort of malfeasant criminal. This thread is disgusting.
We have laws for a reason. And no, don't try to sell me on anarchy.
Chomp down another tide pod, precious snowflake.
Sincerely,
Alexander Black of Half Past Dead
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Pimped a few girls out, stole most of the money from it.
had a girl fly out to meet me for a week and them made sex and other fucked up stuff mandatory if she wanted a place to sleep
went hiking with another chick and pretty much made it clear if she wanted a ride back home (100+ miles) she had to fuck me there in the woods
>>767466866
Cash. Best thing I've ever done with my life, fondest memories I have. I guess that makes me fucked up, but why should i care.
>>767462640
I've smuggled psilocybin into Colorado for a vacation. FYI, the two flaps on the front of boxer briefs create a pocket that extends all the way down to the gooch.
>>767466932
Trying to catch sturgeon with this?
>>767466945
Lol shit was so cash bro
B&E and took random stuff from same house.
>>767467206
Well it's as good a euphemism as any.
Agg assault on a police officer. Ended up shot 3 times.
> be kid
> Live in a great rural area
> Overnight neighbourhood changes. Housing developments take off all around our property
> on weekend evenings when no builders about ride my bike through deserted streets and explore the houses
> most are just frames, no doors so can walk right on in, great adventure for 12 yo
> notice on a sliding door being put in that the keys have been left in
> Hang on, this is also happened at a few different houses
> Start taking keys and write down which house
Six months later
> Houses all completed and people moving in
> Ride through streets at dusk with pocketful of keys
> Some homes lights off
> Walk right up and let myself in
> Profit!!!
> Do this nearly every night, become addicted to the thrill
> take cash, DVDs, cds, games, whatever I liked the look of
> Didn't bother with jewellery because what's a 12 yo gonna do with that?
> Always checked fridge and stole chocolate
> One house a dog came up to me wagging his tail, I fed him and we played for a bit
> Another house the kids room had lots of Lego. Loved Lego but didn't take any because I knew that boy would be gutted
> One home found a couple playboys, did a powerwank there and then
> Never got caught break and entering, not even close
Got away with it for a few weeks because no one knew any neighbours yet. I was just a regular weedy kid on a bike who didn't attract any attention. And I assumed even if someone saw me walk in with a key they would think I just lived there. Word got around quickly though that someone was robbing the places, made our local community news. So it was only a short crime spree. Never graduated to a life of crime, kept my nose clean since then. Oh except some pens and shit like that from work.
>>767462640
>Anonymous
SLOW DAY AT WORK OFFICER?
just Remember folks YOUR IP IS LOGGED
ANYTHING YOU YOU SAY CAN AN WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW
I CAN NOT BELIEVE PEOPLE ARE THIS STUPID
I stayed up passed my bedtime once
>>767467430
Whatcha goin to do about it, bitch
>>767462640
arson public hall when i was 14. i was alone and nobody caught or suspected me. police arrested some local junkie. around 30% damage was done.
>>767467527
Fucking hell, dude
>be me
>my friend got into a criminal phase
>really wants me to start doing graffiti
>i have no interest in it
>my friend comes up with a so called "tag" for me and gives me a marker
>"i want you to write your tag somewhere on the bus on your way home, just try it."
>fuck it! I can try it once and know for sure that i don't like doing graffiti and get my friend to stop bugging me about it.
>"um, fine."
>on the bus ride home i grab the marker out of my pocket, look around to make sure nobody's watching.
>my heart is beating as fast as a cuck beats his meat to jew porn
>adrenaline kicks in
>i write the tag on the back of the seat infront of me
>holy fucking shit that rush. Almost better than an orgasm
>instantly get hooked on the adrenaline
>write the tag everywhere on the way home
>even write "weiner" on somebodys mailbox for some reason
>fast forward a couple of months
>am now affiliated with actual criminals but i stick to graffiti
>me my friend and my mutual friend are walking around my neighborhood with bags full of stolen markers and spray cans
>walk past a school with some kids that we don't like because they were ugly or something
>my friend, "you're gay."
>we walk away all cool like with kids following us saying how we're mean and what not
>just to establish dominance my friend writes a big ol tag o a ping pong table outside the school
>kids start screaming that we are destroying school property
>we go inside a store because fucking panicing
>kids start saying to every single customer that we're vandalysing
>gtfo of there
>run away to lose the kids
>look back and see that the kids are pointing at us and snitching to an old fella
>old fella looks at us and gets in car
>fml.jpeg
>we bolt through foreign neighborhoods to try to lose the old fella
>we think we lost him and start walking again
>guess who pulls up right infront of us
>old fella gets out of car
>stop boys let's talk or i'm calling the police
Cont?
>>767462640
nice try
Trespassed, got my truck stuck in a quarry
Stole a skidsteer tractor from neighboring company, got truck out
Too drunk to get skidsteer out
Stole front end loader
Couldn't find headlights
Got loader stuck
Shoulda green text this but I'm lazy
Never caught
Offered the Mexican loader operator a beer and he got them both out the next day
Crisis averted.gif
>>767468928
> Cont?
Yes. Yes you may
>>767468928
Sounds like a trip, continue if you're up for it.
>>767468928
Part 2
>my friend and the mutual go away and say something along the lines of "fuck off ye old bastard!"
>alpha as fuck
>i stay for god knows what reason
>old fella entarrogates me and i make up some bullshit story about how i barely know those people and that i wasn't involved in anything
>he asks me to open my bag (which was full of stolen graffiti shit)
>i refuse and say that i only have things from school in it
>realise that it was Saturday
>fml even more
>old fella tells me to take the bus home and never come back or he'll call the cops
>i start to venture home when i hear that the kids are still following me
>why is this happening to me?
>stop at a random bus stop
>kids come up to me and start bombarding me with questions
>"i'm going to call my dad."
>"isn't he a cop?"
>"that's why i'm calling him!"
>whyyyyy?!
>the daddy cop shows up
>he's pretty cool seems to believe my shit put together story
>think i might get away with this
>"i'm going to call up someone who's on duty to take care of this i have to go home."
>a cop car rolls up shortly after he calls
>two cops
>the good cop bad cop my ass
>it works
>they get me to addmit basically everything
>arrested
>they tell me that "they will keep an eye on me" and that people like me are the people turn into druggies and robbers
>wut?
>two weeks later and no longer in fear of undercover cops spying on me
>start doing graffiti again
(side note. Friend and mutual got a ride home to mutual friends house by his mom and were followed by old fella for a solid 20 mins but they got away)
>>767462640
My wife doesn't even know about this one.
> be 17yo me
> 1994
> senior year hs is almost here, last summer party
> girl a year older than me, had a crush on since kindergarten
> one of the few nice older kids
> see her at the party
> she sees me and gets all huggy
> i have one beer
> she's already 3 sheets to the wind, and knocking back md20/20
> she sticks to me like glue
> never had female attention like this before
> she starts to get really wobbly
> still virgin whiteknight, getting protective of her
> decide she's not safe here, watching jocks eye her
> maybe just paranoia
> convince her to sit and talk in my car
> she passes out
> nobody really paying attention to us for awhile
> the jocks have found other targets
> take her back to my house
> sneak into house by myself
> make sure dog sees/hears me, knows it's me, doesn't bark
> good dog
> go back out to car
> don't lift, but not manlet either, so pick her up
> over my shoulder, get her in house
> carry her upstairs
> lay her on my bed
> she looks so peaceful, innocent
> realize she is out
> she won't remember anything
> i gaze at her and something stirs in my soul
> and my pants
> i reach out
> vhs copy of last action hero on my nightstand
> remember that shit is overdue
> sneak back out of house, drive like maniac to blockbuster
> drop it in the night dropoff box
> as soon as door slams shut i realize
> i never rewound it.
God damn it. I never rewound it. They never said anything and they're out of business now, but holy fuck. I feel like a fucking monster.
Tax fraud, abuse of social benefits, bribery
>>767471422
10/10 classic
>>767462640
I use, buy, sell, import and export heroin all over Europe (central southern central and near western) on my own with my car and the fact that nobody will ever suspect me as an user or dealer. All in the looks and never trusting anyone. I know I will either get killed or go in jail but this is the only way I feel alive
>>767471666
We would expect nothing less from you, Satan.
Robed a guys work shope stole his retirement watch vandalized it whith fire extinguisher.........he died two days befor in a ski accident...i did not know at the time ...i was 14 ....dad sead way to go robed a dead guy starting erly
>>767462640
Got attacked by a group of gopniks (Won't reveal where I live, but I live in a country which was occupied by the Soviets during WW2), five of the fuckers. I as any other person who's repressed alot of shit from their childhood, got carried away with kicking one of the fuckers and before I realized, atleast from my point of view, the fuck wasn't breathing, curb-stomping is really effective, but too effective. I still think about what if the fuck's alive and now has a severely fucked up face because of me...
>>767472312
When you attack someone, you might be met with lethal force.
Anon, you should not feel bad about it. It was his fault.
>>767472487
Even if it was his fault, I should've held back, that wasn't my first run in with gopniks like that, wasn't the last either. And hard not to feel bad about the fact that you've either killed or disfigured someone's face to the point where not even a hooker will say yes
I had sex for the propose of procreation. In missionary position of course..
>>767472925
You sick bastard...How could you do something so horrendous?
>>767472925
You fucking mad man I hope you fucking die in a garbage fire you worthless fuck
>>767462640
I import unlicensed/counterfeit merchandise from China and sell it. I am straight with my customers (they know they're buying fakes.)
![20180125_201407[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/0NiT3Iy.jpg "20180125_201407[1].jpg")
Stealing and got caught with ban from store and continued stealing, Dealing Cannabis, Brought accidently weed from Netherlands to Germany..
>>767466358
Either you're lying or the guy was lying about being a pilot (probably fired and too ashamed to say, even to his dealer) because that shit would quickly and easily be picked up by drug testing.
When i was in my early 20s i broke a lot of my own things (guitars, old laptop, random shit etc) and blamed it on my old roommate (lease was ending and we were going our separate ways). Called cops, took him to court and had him pay me a monthly restitution check for over a year. Got away with it because he vandalized one thing of mine out of anger and bragged about it to everyone. I dont feel bad about anything because he was a flaming nigger faggot.
I’ve been breaking into houses since I was 13-14. Usually 1-2 month spread over 3 states. Never been caught only one close call and that was the first time. That’s what got it started I was breaking into a neighbors garage. The excitement I get from that first time has made it a lifelong hobby. I don’t steal things of any value per say I make a good living at my job. I’m 44 now
>>767470181
faggot, shouldve ran
I used burning lasers to cut down ipads and other electronics from arcade games such as Barber Cut and that tower stacker game.
The laser transmitted through the glass and would cut the zip tie holding the electronics which would fall down and I would retrieve.
I also got in trouble for burning too many black people ( they burn MUCH FASTER) from across the lunchroom at hs. Principal took laser and I was banned from local malls
>>767467430
/b/ - Random
The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.
>>767473167
Where do you get the counterfeit stuff from? Is there a site online to buy them, or do you have to know someone?
>>767471422
Bravo!
>>767475744
thxfam
>>767475266
You can find it all online. Not that long ago it was openly advertised on some of the sites that compete with aliexpress. They have to be more subtle now but you just find vendors with similar products to what you want to sell and ask them if they have it or know someone who does. You can always pay with paypal if they don't take credit cards.
For me, finding and getting the stuff has always been easy, advertising is harder. Got auctions pulled on ebay and ended up abandoning my account (with a 100% positive feedback rating) b/c they wanted me to pay fees on things I didn't sell. Now I do FB, CL and my own website. Be sure to be willing to sell to people in Europe, where prices are higher and you have an advantage evading VAT taxes, which are over 20%.
>>767476948
Cool, thanks dude!
>>767462640
Shoplifted, aggregated trespass, disturbing the peace, all the usual asbo type things
>>767477166
Aggravated*
>>767477166
Mugging grannies?
>>767462736
/thread
>>767476948
>VAT tax
>VAT = value added tax
>VAT tax = value added tax tax
value added tax tax
kek
>>767478009
Not only do I evade VAT tax (another crime), I get cash at the ATM machine. At my day job, I work here:
>>767479039
After entering your PIN number, do you spend the money you get from the ATM machine on a new NIC card for your PC computer to reduce lag time in your favorite online RPG games?
>>767477262
Squatting
>>767462640
Assault with a deadly weapon
Breaking and entering
Aggravated assault
Public disturbance
Possession of illegal drugs,with intent to sell
Resisting arrest
Assaulting a police officer
Contempt of court
Wow, so many crimes, I wouldn't be able to even list them all. Just in the past 30 days:
*Criminal Malfeasance
*Verification of contract without jurisdiction
*Withholding consideration
*Willful mishandling of federal/state property
*Conscription of an illegal jurisprudence
The list goes on and on.
>>767463218
CHILL DUDE
>>767480168
