Stupidest sht you"ve done while horny
The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.
Stupidest sht you"ve done while horny
Once I beat off in a sock and then wore it to church
>>713946295
Your mom
>>713946295
i masturbated on the toilet at work
Did it so hard that i got a fucking cramp in my leg
couldnt leave the bathroom for about 10 minutes
>>713946295
Had gay sex. Problem is it keeps happening. Never had straight sex, or a gf. I'm straight btw.
Jerk off while driving down the 10 from Phoenix in mid morning.
>>713946295
have foot warts,
beat off into sock,
get warts on my frenulum
>>713946514
SNAP
>>713946295
masturbated while driving, was also stoned
>>713946611
You're pretty straight
>>713947079
>You're pretty straight
chortled
>>713947079
For you
>>713946842
why does anybody fap into a dirty sock.
Man, I'd be too embarrassed to even post that anonymously.
This is making me feel better about myself.
>>713947274
Thats why you are on 4chan in the first place fag
my girlfriend at the time was edging me and i somehow ended up letter her fuck me with a strap on
shit was cash
>>713947274
at a certain age, after having had a certain amount of intercourse, you just stop caring so much and start being less sensitive to life in general.
Wore my sisters thong/bra/leggings and a top from my mom with a walmart halloween wig and got fucked by some old guy on craigslist.
>>713947358
oh shit, will never experience that.
gf is a total sub and NEEDS me to injure her buttocks with my hands daily. she thinks im a dom, and doesnt understand im just up for anything. its cool doe
I messaged an ugly chick that's into me and we exchanged nudes.. I jacked off to her fat tits and then regreted it all
>>713946842
Thats not how warts work you fucking idiot.
The warts on your hands and feet cant spread to genitals and vice versa. You either contracted genital warts from somewhere, or you have penile papuls and confuse them for warts. If its larger, then you need to get the shit checked out to make sure its not cancer like your retarded ass.
jacked it in a hotel room to the sound of people fucking next door. Turns out it was actually someone running on a treadmill
>>713947274
I don't get it either
stuck toothbrush up ass (handle end), instantly regretted and felt like a fag as i pulled out shitty toothbrush
paid for porn
>>713947274
>>713947424
>be 17, but say you're 18
>touched a boob
only then can you cum in a dirty suck and be confident enough to lie about not being a virgin on the internet
>>713947274
I started doing it half a year ago. The most comfortable way of cumming. You just put a sock on your hand while grabbing a dick and don't care about anything. It's like fapping in a condom but you can wipe your hand and dick straight away with it. Literally zero mess so if you don't care at all how does it look because you don't have sex anyway, it's great.
protip: I usually cry a little after fapping
>>713948824
why not just cum onto a paper towel or something you fucking neet?
Shoved ice up my bum
>>713949031
And another time, a flashlight
>>713947547
I feel your pain bro
>>713949031
Tomboychan, is that you?
>>713946295
Your mom.
>>713948960
I was cumming on plastic bags before and I had to wash or wipe my dick with something else afterwards. With a sock you just need a one thing for the whole process and there are an infinite number of them coz it's sick to fap more than 2 times a day and that's how many used socks you usually have.
came home absolutely steaming drunk once and tries to get my sister to suck me off
>>713947547
have a similar story
>just land in New York
>horny as fuck but too tired to go anywhere
>say fuck it and text thick ugly chick I know
>say we should exchange nudes
>send dick pics from like the 3rd page of google
>noonelookspastthefirstpage.jpg
>sends nudes back
>handle my business like a man
>text her back the next day and say I was drunk
>tell her that I won't talk about it if she doesn't
>she just wants to stay friends
>yeah right thick bitch
>never speak to her again
>always just say she started to come on too strong when people ask about her
>>713947616
Kombo kek
>>713949629
wow that's embarrassing dood.
>>713949629
try again
post video
>>713946947
I honestly do this regularly, I drive 4 hours two ways a couple times a year, and frequently do 1.5 to 2.5 hour drives. It keeps me from speeding, plus it's a great way to kill time.
>>713949629
kill you self
>>713949562
>here's my laundry mom
>son, can we talk for a second?
>notthecumsocks.gif
>sure mom
>well son, it's like you use 2 or 3 pairs of socks a day
>and they're always so crusty
>no going back now
>have to commit sudoku
>I don't know what you're talking about mom
>son, if you have a foot problem, you can tell me
>foot problem?
>don't worry son
>I already have a doc appointment for you
And then your parents go bankrupt trying to cure some weird foot disease, but really you can't stop cumming in your socks like some fucking sicko
>>713950160
right, because you'd refuse a blowjob when you're drunk
haha you faggots live a hard life
>>713949951
Did it once. Just before cumming I was stepping on the gas and swerved and just missed a tree. Talk about a ruined orgasm.
>>713950267
You didn't say she offered it to you, loser. Your story doesn't stick together. Go away troll.
>>713949629
try again when you're noy drunk
>>713950242
ahahhahah, nice try bro. I live on my own. I do everything on my own... so I just don't care.
>>713948600
>implying that you're significant in any way
>knowing your worth less than the feminist movements
>>713949951
but what do you do with the mess
>>713950500
woah relax
I'm sure a big boy like you has touched at least 5 boobs. Shit, maybe even more than one at a time!
>>713950464
>live on my own
>do everything on my own
but you can't afford paper towels?
>>713946295
fucked my sister
>>713950502
>>713947156
>You're pretty straight
>chortled
chortled
you fucking retards don't know the meaning of stupid
>me
>horny as fuck
>moron
>side of salt
>decide I want to play with my dick
>no not like that
>cavestory.exe
>also furiously drunk and armed with pic related
>how do we do no lube for tube
>ah, let's make my dick drunk, sounds fun
>fill syringe thingy with sky
>force vodka down my urethra
>supernova.gif
>my cock has become the heat death of the universe
>it's like a thousand needles on molly are dancing in my dick
>try to pee out vodka
>pee out death so furious it makes me vomit
>balls feel twisted, dick is now satan's pitchfork, body covered in vomit
>21 years and this is where my life has ended up
>mission accomplished
Fuck me and my good ideas.
>>713950751
>>713950502
>>713950751
But for real though I keep a tissue box in my car, either use one of those or just let it soak into my daks
>14
>drunk
>walk up to friend
>"feed me daddy"
>started throwing corn flakes into mouth
>tried to punch him in the face
>feel asleep on floor
>>713946611
Sounds pretty straight to me. Once I fapped in the summer 35 degrees celsisu in the trunkof my moms car at the beach cuz I got randomly horny. Once all of the boys from my class came to my home after school and we all fapped together. I did some weird shit this is just the first two that got on my mind
>>713950818
buying sky was your first mistake
>>713950818
the biggest moron so far LOL
>>713946514
/thread
4 years ago in college I went to a Halloween party dressed as Velma. I thought it would be funny to crossdress for Halloween. Got drunk and sucked off three guys on the couch with everyone watching and cheering me on. Then one guy took me into the bedroom and tried to fuck me but he couldn't get it up because he had whiskey dick so I blew him instead. Then got a ride home with some guy I didn't know and blew him in his car.
Woke up the next day with a huge hangover and horrible regret and shame. Pretty much known as the faggot slut for the rest of college even though I'm straight.
For some reason being drunk while dressed like Velma made me feel super slutty.
After college I moved to another state and have not been back to Seattle since. I doubt anyone remembers or even cares but I feel like if I stepped foot in Seattle again everyone would say "Oh hey, there's that slutty crossdressing faggot."
>>713948171
I know dat feel bro
>>713946514
Giuseppe Simone strikes again
>>713946660
I live in LA and masturbait on the 10 all the time! Does this make is Eskimo Brothers? I mean, it's kinda like banging the same chick.
>>713951305
I remember you, Velma ;p
![144[1].gif](https://i.imgur.com/isJv2Ym.gif "144[1].gif")
>>713946295
Carved several butt plugs out of carrots, relatively easy and you can eat the evidence, plus nobody's ever suspicious of carrot peel; used those magnetic balls, I think they're called buckyballs, as a urethral sound; tried to fuck a vacuum but dick was too big for the nozzle; there's probably more but that's all I can remember now
>>713950818
Lul
>>713947510
Same bruh.
Like "she's at it again, let's do this"
>>713951560
holy shit those buckyballs were no fucking joke
used to work at a place that sold them and there were special guidelines we had to follow to sell them. People would do dumb shit like eat them or shove them up their urethra and end up rupturing something and dying. Consider yourself lucky that you aren't peeing through a straw right now.
>>713951329
>>713951305
Jinkies
>>713951032
>>713946611
Yeah and next time your boyfriend is ramming his dick into your onion ring i want you to scream out how straight you are you. fag
>>713952139
lol how is he gonna have a boyfriend if he's straight? you a faggot or something?
>>713946295
tried to fap with Ajax soap. Shit made me piss fire for a few hours and turned my dick head red for a little while.
>>713951311
Checked friend :)
>>713952044
Man, the amount of dumb shit I would've done as a kid had I not had overbearing parents, I consider myself lucky I'm even here at all
>>713952139
I'm the guy from the trunk and I'm straight tho, have a gf and everything
>>713951245
Hey I posted this on /fit/ the other day. There's no way you got it somewhere else.
You fappin to dem traps faggot?
>>713952611
Re checked friendo
>>713946660
Ahwatukee here. I got my dick sucked on the 10 earlier this year. Never jerked it on the freeway though - too stressful. All these midwest import fags and snowbirds can't drive for shit.
>>713946295
Fap to disgusting shit like vore.
I once masturbated to images of women on my DS Lite's internet browser while my friend was in the room with me messing with photoshop on my computer because I was a horny little 13 y/o
>>713951305
Straight people dont suddenly blow three dudes and try to fuck one. You fucking gay anon, come back to Seattle you'll fit right in. Then when your depression gets to bad and your heroin habit gets out of control you can suck dudes off for money and be homeless and still you will fit right in.
>>713946295
spend 20 grand on camwhores
>>713950267
so wait now you're saying that she came on to you?
>>713953219
Christ...
Fucked this
> it's hard to get off from it
>>713946295
>be me, 15
>lots of medical problems around this time
>have to go to the hospital for a staph infection or something
>need to provide urine sample in addition to blood sample later
>unbelievably horny
>"anon, are you okay in there?"
>just a minute ho, im tryna nut
>"ill be out soon!"
>end up spending like half an hour in there
>cum in the urine test thing
>give it back to the nurse on the way out
I wish I could have been there when that sample got to the lab.
>>713951311
>>713952611
>>713953088
Friendly dubs streak
>>713946295
Gave my uncles labrador several blowjobs while they were away on vacation
>>713946295
I fucked a landwhale
she had some huge tits though
One time when I was fucking my girlfriend, I got a great to shove my middle finger in her ass. So while we were on the couch, I just jammed it in there, and she fucking started to bleed out her ass. Shitty blood covered my finger.
>>713947274
I literally just fap in bed, flip the covers over and go to sleep
>>713953088
Re re checked my dude
>>713954467
how was it
>>713946295
Fucked a girl with the nickname of "Jenny CrotchRott"
I came on my own face and regretted it immediately
>>713955071
What the fuck
>>713946295
Bleach is mostly water, and we're mostly water, therefore we are bleach. I suggest we all drink bleach.
>>713955677
dog cum is surprisingly pleasant, but when he started making signs that he wanted to mount me at the family christmas dinner a short while after i realized i had to cut that shit out unless it was my own dog and i could train him to be polite around company. (he would start getting pushy and mouthing my hands, which was a sure sign he wanted more)
>>713955071
It was a warm august evening, the stars were shining on the cloudless sky as a little whisper of a breeze gently moved along my soft silk skin teasing me with a moment of refreshment. Shitty blood covered my finger.
cant decide between fapping for 5-6 hours straight high on meth or
getting head /rim job from an old dude in my teens when i was horny
>>713956091
>making signs that he wanted to mount me at the family christmas dinner
What a touching family moment
on speed i took like 10 socks on a baseball bat to make it thicker, then put a condom on it, greased it with food old and had it in it my ass for probably 12 hours while fapping the session lastet overall 30 hours though. when done the entire apartment smelled like cum and sweat and food oil and dirty condoms everywhere (as i tried out different sizes)
also fucked my couch that day, greased in olive oil
when i finally came it lasted at least 25 seconds but right after that i started coming down and the regret was multiplied by a hundred. i could have done so much productive stuff. i fapped to wincest porn all the time fyi
put a condom on a carrot and stuck it up my ass
>>713956382
fyi speed makes muscles in your ass relax. im pretty sure anyone here couldve taken that bat on enough speed/meth. it takes time though, its almost meditative as youre inching it in relaxing more and more
>>713946295
Told a chick how wet she was while we fucked in the bath. We both laughed at the same time.
>>713950242
IT'S SEPPUKU, YOU IDIOT
found 2 pair of my mom's panties and some of her pantyhose in the hamper. put on one pair of panties and the pantyhose. sniffed and licked the crotch of the other dirty panties. came buckets. hated myself after, but continued doing it until i moved out.
I fucked girl with full knowledge of her having the clap....with a condom clinched in my hand the whole time.
I went to the STD Clinic the next day and got the cure, but not before they shoved a QTip in my dick-hole and swabbed it around.
>>713956801
Fuck are you talking about, seppuku is a Japanese game
>>713956521
Yerh i've had my share of 6 hour mpa fapping sessions while bouncing on a dildo
Came like 3 times and didnt stop then looked at myself and i looked like a demon - glistening with black hole eyes and long hair plastered to me - veins standing out all over me
>>713956858
One must pay for stupidity
>>713956858
My friend did this but it was herpes
>>713956382
>10 socks on a baseball bat
That seems awfully thick - baseball bats are already thick.
>>713956989
If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. The clap is super-curable and she was fucking HOT!
probably this
>>713947616
We have a winner
>>713948960
I used to cum into a soda can
The same one, repeatedly.
>>713946611
>Had gay sex.
>I'm straight btw.
...
>>713957148
that's fucken hot, anon
>>713955187
ahh the ol gator roll
>>713957148
>>713956858
They don't have to swab anymore, found a way to detect it in your pass some years ago. Sorry /b/ro.
Side story: have shoved anything I thought would fit up my ass, came in my own mouth, fucked several really slurry girls once knowing she had recently had the clap. Brought a girl home and tongue fucked her ass before fucking her, she wasn't attractive, left her in my room after I nutted in her ass, slept on the couch for 2 hours, took her to her car so I could go to work... The shit goes on and on..
>>713957325
>>713946295
Fuck a dude
Apparently I'm not gay
>>713957148
>Not wearing the thong
Casual
>>713946295
jerked off with a banana peal
>>713957148
>>713957325
>>713957385
>>713957341
Well, this was 18 years ago. Think they started detecting clap with piss about 2 minutes after I got the dick swab.
>>713956675
Fucking normies
>>713957693
REEEEEEEEEEEEE
>>713946947
>>713949951
I used to do this on highway 63 in Alberta all the time.
>>713957777
Quaaaaad
met up with a random guy on craigslist. we played strip games and then we jerked off. wasn't sure if i liked it but he had a really big and fat cock, got me horny and we cummed on ourselves. instant regret but now id probs do it again
>>713956858
Was it worth it???
>>713946295
Fucked a silk dress once.
>>713958038
Went on omegle pretending to be girls from school. Gave them different names though. Stupidest part was I sent pics of the girls. Not the post itself, but the raw image, so that no usernames were attached.
>>713957777
Lucky 7 quads checked
>>713950988
what
>>713946295
WEW... Ive got a lot.
- Send out dick pics and very explicit sexual text messages out of the blue to girls in my contacts
- fuck tranny
- fuck man
- fuck landwhale
- beat off in a church bathroom
- fucked a cheap, ugly dominican prostitute who then stole money out of my pants.
- lots of very overbearing drunken sexual advances. the reason i quit drinking.
>>713958529
U used the wrong arrows
Browse b
fapped and came in to my sisters 3000$ bag. yes it where worth it.
>>713958529
ive also fucked a baguette. just add some warm butter or olive oil and
>feelsgoodman
>>713946591
i do that evreyday.
i get paid to wank.
Masturbated into my sister and her friends shoes after they got done running a few times. Smelled the other while cumming into one.
>>713946295
Feet in air, head on floor, cum on face.
>>713947445
top work.
post your pics.
and dont pretend you dont have any you little bitch.
>>713956801
>newfag
stayed 2 days at a friend's house. she left me at her house in the morning. so i raided her panty drawer and jacked off sniffing her panties. I'm a dude.
>>713959570
normal behaviour
Tons
>regularly put onahole in a removable couch cushion
>sit at desk chair with cushion on the floor between my legs
>put a tablet above the onahole with sexy pic of grill I used to know sucking on a straw, cropped to look like a BJ face
>dick is cum
and
>bought realistic silicone cock dildo with balls and suction cup
>stick to a closed door
>wear stolen bra and thong
>fuck my ass while cumming on towel on the floor
and something from younger days
>be 8 or 9
>don't know what it means to pleasure my little slamshaft
>but I know it feels good when I look at pics of girls in underwear
>steal mom's Victoria's Secret magazines
>look at them in my closet
>still don't know how to jerk off
>mom finds my stash of stolen magazines
>asks if I "have any questions" about the things I'm seeing
>I tell her I was reading them for the articles (not even joking)
>she knows I'm full of shit and takes them away from me laughing
>to this day I still get raging semi when I see Victoria's Secret magazines
>>713959570
every guy has done this at least once
Last week I was jacking off with a tens machine and the rubber loop slipped to an uncomfortable position. I tried to turn it down but accidentally turned the current to maximum and burned my dick head.
Still got red marks all over it now, But at least I achieved hands free orgasm afterwards.
Rubbed pic related flu ointment in my dick, thinking it would fill refreshing or something. Instead it swelled up and burned like hell for about 30 minutes. Never felt so much pain in my life.
>>713946460
how uncomfortable was it? was the cum still fresh or dried?
>>713960030
tf is a tens machine
>>713960028
No, not every guy has done that at least once you fuck
I cum in my gf's friends' shoes often without telling them
>>713949951
I've done this before several years back - was drivivng home from Tampa to Orlando one morning. Horny as shit, middle of I4 traffic in the morning. If you've ever been in that area, you'll know what I mean
>>713960440
>implying you usually tell women when you cum in their shoes
>>713960419
and there's the denial
>>713946295
>on camping trip as kid just started puberty
>playing some stupid game in the woods... cant remember now
>ungodly horny wtf.jpg
>find a hole in the ground and put my dick in it
>pretend I am fucking some girl I know
>finish fapping
>cum all over the dead leaves
>mfw lost my virginity by fucking the planet.
>>713960548
I tell my gf
>>713946611
i have the same problem i keep on fucking men whrn im drunk but im straight btw
>>713960229
>>713960229
One of these things, its sposed to be used for pain management, but is awesome to jerk off with too.
Basically it pulses electrical current between 2 pads (or a ruibber loop and a pad) at different frequencies, if you play around with it you can eventually find a frequency that mimics fucking if you have the pads on your junk.
Its really great, you can achieve bucking, moaning hands free orgasms that feel better than sex.
>>713961197
But yeah, you can burn your dick if your dumb with it.
>>713946660
i routinely jack off going down the 60
>>713947424
That's pretty fucking true
>be me
>be 15
>horny
>decide that would be a good idea to put toothpaste on my dick
>feelsgoodman.gif
>cum
>have to clean
>out of no where my dick is on fire
>burnssofuckingmuch.webm
>jump into the bathtub
>hot water, but extremely hot water
>cleaned all the toothpaste
>still burns every time i took it out of hot water
>ended up spending half an hour on bathroom
>mfw i got burns from the water on my pennis
>>713947616
BINGO. top kekkles
Shit in a bag and masterbated like a shitty condom.
Shoved soldering iron down my urethra and tried to cum before it got to hot (worked and was awesome fapping)
Stuck dick in paint stripper - do not recommend you do that.
Stabbed it. Put lit matches and candles in it
Usual cum on own face etc.
>>713961719
>>713961517
ah this reminded me of smething else.
>Be me
>Buy fleshlight (waste of money tbh)
>Get horny, decide to fuck rubber vagina
>Hmm this is ok, but its cold need to warm it up
>fill up bucket with near boiling water from kettle
>put cocksleave in the bucket and leave it for 5 minutes
>Should be nice and warm now I think
>grab it out of bucket and put it in holder, add some lube, slide finger into opening a bit to lube iot uip and check temperature, feels ok
>lube up dick and bury it balls deep into puss
>Sudden searing pain, Scream and throw the thing across the wall
>run dick under cold water
>Doesnt help, dick is still on fire, too embarrassed to go to dr, sit for 2 days in pain before it eventually stops stinging.
aparently the opening of those things cool down way faster than the actual inside of the sleeve which was still almost boiling hot.
Chucked that fucking thing away soon after.
>>713962046
>>713946611
>>713946855
>>713948600
>>713950500
>>713950988
>>713951311
>>713952044
>>713952611
>>713952900
>>713953088
>>713953977
>>713955677
>>713956122
>>713957033
>>713957088
>>713957144
>>713957255
>>713957777
>>713957844
>>713958188
>>713958499
>>713959888
>>713961222
>>713962566
Was out in the woods at night watching sexy youtube twerk vids and fucking my fleshlight lol
i am so retarded was stupid drunk too
>>713952080
I ain't gay but I'd suck her dick.
>>713950940
What are daks?
I see 4 bitches that go by, "pussy". Your dearest admirer, the real AFC
In high school I had this gf whose mom would always have kids in the backseat. "We didn't want to sit away from one another" so we would lay in the open part in the back of the minivan.
She would proceed to give me head, jerk me off, have me jerk off into her hand which she would then eat, or get down near my dick and open her mouth and look at me while I jerked off onto her face. This would happen everyday after school for like a year.
>>713953490
It can happen. I was at a hotel in a business trip. Jumped in the pool after a workout. An older man came in afterwards. We talked a bit and he offered some beer and pain pills he had in his room. I drank some and swallowed some pills. He asked if he could touch my dick and I was like, sure! Who cares. Then he started fingering my asshole and it felt good. Next thing I know he's fucking me hard and deep. I'm not gay.
>>713963516
>I'm not gay.
>>713950320
That's what cruise control is for bro.
>>713959570
I used to sniff my friends moms panties while jacking into the toilet . love hampers in the bathroom.
i cleaned my hand full of cum on my cat
>>713960419
Why wouldn't you?
>>713964218
Because that's desperate as fuck and I wouldn't do that to my friend, retard
>>713960769
Captain Planet, he's our hero!
convinced some guy to pretend to be my girlfriend or wife in skype and we masturbated together, sent him pics of tights he should wear
i regret this all so much
probably paid for credits on a camsite so i can fap cam to cam with sluts
>>713964551
I'm a glutton for information. I just need to know why her panties smell like, you know? Nothing personal. But if I have access to your dirty panties, I'm sniffing them and if there's dried crust on them, I'm eating it. I need to know. We're here on earth to learn. Why would you purposefully avoid learning?
>>713964100
I love hampers in bathrooms too.
>>713963651
I'm not, it just sort of happened. I was like, "holy shit, this old man is literally fucking me in the ass right now. How odd.". It felt OK and he jacked me off while fucking me. But its not something I would do again.
I'd argue I'm straighter than most because I've been fucked in the ass before and have decided against it. Everyone else is just speculating.
