Hey there. Modern Jesus is back again. You need any miracles? Just ask.
>>712041426
Yeah uhh Jebus I got a problem.
Tomorrow I will be buying Pokemon Moon from eb games, how do I not look like a pedo faggot while doing so? Last time I purchased a 'kids game' I got strange looks. plz help jebuz
>>712041426
Modern Jesus pls give me good results for my examinations
>>712041426
>tfw you're white and beardless
You aren't Jesus.
>>712041581
My gamer son, look around you. Pokemon is a part of our modern lives. It is understood and no longer obscure. I bet you're one of hundreds of adults to be buying that game from the store. Even if someday does see you, what of it? They're missing out, because they don't know pokemon. Also you could just dress super business and pretend you're buying it for your Nephew.
CHECK THESE DIGITS !!!!
>>712041689
You do you well, because I know you will work hard
>>712041739
>modern
I shave now
>>712041785
Checked
>>712041828
>tfw Jesus can shave his neighbors because he shaves himself
Truly horrifying.
>>712041973
I've never done it, but at least I'm allowed to
>>712041426
i want dom transgirl GF
halp pls
>>712042167
Look and you will find
>>712041426
Give me the powerball numbers for this saturday my lord
>>712042202
where thou
>>712042415
I've blessed your choice
>>712042438
I'd go to a club if I were you. The tranny kind.
Will I ever have a threesome?
Is my doge gay?
>>712042510
Yes you will.
Will Trump fuck up?
>>712042548
I don't think doges can be
>>712041426
show boipucci
>>712042599
No he won't
>>712042619
I'm not Filthy Frank
Will you make Negan hit himself with lucille? like in the comics, in the TV show?
Are Mormons retards?
>>712042548
doge know to fug
they don't care about what they fug
they just want your nice tight holes
>>712042766
Yes I will. The writers will do it
The ability to travel 5min back into the past, please.
Dear jesus, i made a salad and i realized iam missing mozzarella, canyou give me soe? thx
>>712042821
Pretty much yeah
>>712042899
I'm sorry that's asking too much. But man we all make mistakes
>>712042905
You can find a substitute
>>712041426
oh sweet, sweet jesus, my gf is the best student in her class, she is very constant and intelligent. She studies psychology, but is worried about eams. Make her get the good grades she deserves, already got some pretty good ones, but the most important ones are yet to come.
Thank you sweet sweet jesus
*starts praying while playing Metallica with an electric guitar"
>>712043082
Rock on man she's gonna get the grades she deseves
>>712041426
Which religion is correct?
>>712043189
oh yeah jesus, you've delivered today
Was there a lost civilization before 10,000BC?
>>712043316
In a truth. None of them. Any belief you follow without actually believing, is not the correct religion.
>>712043397
I believe there could have been
Will we all perish by a meteor in the near future?
>>712043542
No we will not
Should we upload human ingenuity to a satellite in case of an extinction? Will we be god then?
>>712043697
Man will never be god, trust me. But we can get close. Let there be no boundry
r u gonna get me the pussy that i desire Jesus?
>>712041426
Can you cure my saggy tits and make them look nice?
>>712043869
Just tell them you know me. Or rather don't. Just get that confidence up and go for it.
>>712043940
There's nothing wrong with them
>>712043980
I didn't ask for advice Jesus. I asked are you gonna get me that pussy I desire?
>>712044030
Sure. You got it
Did you touch me last night?
>>712041426
Is that you in the picture? Is your name Jordan?
>>712044327
Sorry. That wasn't me
>>712041426
I bet you can't change water into wine.
>>712044347
My name is not Jordan
Was OG Jesus black?
>>712044409
I've never tried really. I could just give you some wine if you'd like?
>>712044440
No he was not
Should I keep on thanking you for every touchdown?
>>712044521
It would a nice gesture
Could stoner hippie faggot Jesus put a bullet through his mishapen head and never darken this board with his presence again? Think you can pull off that miracle you waste of organs?
>>712044602
Who's an edgy kitty
>>712044418
You sure look like the Jordan I know, and this is some pretentious shit he would do.
>>712044706
Well, that's not me
Why does your dad hate gays?
>>712044784
He doesn't
>>712041426
Tell me about yourself, oh blessed lord.
>>712044834
He wrote it...
Leviticus 18:22: " Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."
>>712044925
Well what do you want to know?
>>712044706
Nah this nigga live in Reno he looks like a fag to me
>>712041426
let me win the powerball
>>712044954
The Bible was written by some old desert men. They hated gays
>>712045016
I'll try my best
>>712044989
What path brought you to us?
>>712045057
Are Burning Man attendees the new old desert people?
>>712045112
4chan needs help
>>712045122
They would do a better job of making a good religion
>>712045215
Why does that call to you?
>>712045112
He came in through the usual canals. :^)
>>712045297
Cause I like 4chan. I don't want it becoming more lame
get a haircut and give me dubs
can't? you're not jebus
>>712045362
Not getting a haircut. No dubs for you
Jebus let there be pizza behind my door in 10 minutes
>>712045703
Did you order pizza?
When will WW3 start?
>>712045799
Not anytime soon
>>712041426
give me gf
>>712045862
Sure. Go look for one
Why do you have a Mexican name?
>>712045932
The mexicans stole it from me
>>712041426
I want 10 billion dollars for the end of the day. That would be a fucking miracle
>>712041426
Come back when you're old enough to drink.
>>712046072
You're telling me. That sounds really fun
Why are white people not racists towards animals?
>>712046136
Come back like the second coming?
>>712046183
Different species aren't races
>>712041426
i need some ps4 redeem codes you got any jesus?
>>712046406
Just type in some random numbers
>>712041426
Modern Jesus,
Are you simultaneously collecting a flock in Siberia, in order to perform a humanly task for you?
I know you can be in many places at once, I'm really glad I can finally meet you, I'm just wondering what they are doing in Siberia. I'm glad for what I've been given, thank you. I'm really busy providing for my family here and daughter and granddaughter too. Do I need to take them to join your flock in Siberia or should I go alone, or should I stay here in Ohio which unfortunately contributed to the Trump presidency?
>>712041426
I could really use some money dude
>>712046500
No there is nobody I've sent to Siberia
>>712046550
You'll get some
Why is your thread dying?
>>712046677
Why are you dying?
>>712046612
Not Sent to Siberia, they lived thereabouts and collected themselves to you. I just want to know what the heck they're doing... Are they planning on making a big ice cube to stop global warming and save millions of species of plant, animal, and other?
>>712046798
They are just living their lives I believe. Nothing special
>>712046458
wow now i know why they hung you on a cross jesus sucks i will ask satan he always gives me working answers
>>712047007
Hey I tried
>>712041426
you look a lot like this hairy hippie girl Rodney Moore did vids with
>>712047077
Won't even deny
Do you have a belly button?
I used to argue with my Sunday School teacher about whether or not you had a belly button. The next Sunday I would agree with her and take her side- but I would say it was totally not because of her reasons, then we would argue more. By argument it was more of an - I ask a question- but then give reasons why her answer was or might be wrong. It was fun until a deacon came in and said that people didn't come from monkeys. I said my mom had a book that said we did and that Time Life Science book publishing company and my school book publishing company wouldn't still be in business if they lied or were controlled by the devil. I said after he said they might be that They weren't because He said we were the greatest country on earth and that because God is on our side we were winning the space race and our science was the best. I said that earlier He said God wouldn't allow a company that did bad things to be successful so was he lying to me or what?
(Me in third grade in 1972)
>>712047691
I have a bellybutton. People came from monkies
>>712047077
Not Jesus here. Hey U stop posting naughty filth in the Jesus QNA thread!
How rude.
>>712047045
see you in hell false prophet
>>712047973
Hey man probably
Sup keksus , would you mind makeing my crush like me , thanks have a nice resurrection and shit
i want and need this korean german hybrid to fall for me. make it so!
<3
>>712048280
Sure. Go and ask her see what happens
>>712047840
Yay I thought so...
Can you give me my dad back? I miss him. Am I going to an afterlife that I seriously do not believe exists, or does going there happen Despite not believing or do we have to be good people here and now during our short lives on earth because only the memes of our actions and memories within the people we leave behind exist of ourselves after we die because after death and at the moment of death we simply cease to think and after that there isn't even a Nothinh for us to experience because our conscious/unconscious mind simply ceases to be?
>>712048286
You got it!
>>712048345
I'm sorry your dad is gone. There is no rise from the dead. Once we die we go to nothingness
If we evolved and are evolving are Blonde Chinese Cosplay Bi Girls the next stage of human evolution?
Should I given them my seed to mutate?
>>712048569
Definitely give them your seed.
>>712048632
These ones?
>>712048723
Go and find them
>>712041426
Dave?
>>712048884
Not my name
>>712041426
Can I speak modern Satan?
>>712048950
You want to speak to him?
Please help with my chronic migraines I want my suffering to end ;-; I'd do anything
>>712049018
Yes
>>712049047
Try always wearing sunglasses out doors
>>712049073
No idea where he is
>>712049136
Jesus has no idea of anything, that's why I wanted to talk to Satan
>>712049210
Go find his thread
>>712049250
Go fuck yourself
>>712048781
Thank yew, Modrin Jeebis!!
Modern Jesus is the best!
I kinda really think Old Jesus is a dick...
I hate fish. Especially greasy fish sticks, ew gross. I used to be given greasy fish sticks to eat while dad took mom upstairs and I'd watch Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom on Sunday nights where Marlin Perkins waited in the safety of the truck while Jim would go do something with dangerous African animals. Then I would watch The Undersea World of Jacque Cousteau and wait until my little sister fell asleep and then hide my fish sticks in her room. Then on or about Wednesday my mom would give my little sister a bath cause she said she or her room smelled funny and then I'd go get the fish sticks out of her room and put the in the garbage before I tool the cans down to the curb.
After I got a paper route in the very early mornings (the Cleveland Plain Dealer) I had the opportunity to remove unwanted things from the house and put them in Other people's trash cans.
Once I found porn mags on top of the garbage in a neighbor's trash can and read them but then put them back a few weeks later in a different neighbor's trash can. Then the police came and took away Mr Maruna, a former fireman and then his son became gay.
I ruined two lives, I think all because OLD Jesus wouldn't let me have hot dogs instead of fish sticks.
:(
>>712049314
Hey be nice! This modern Jesus guy is pretty chill.
>>712049715
No!
>>712049621
I'm sorry for old Jesus man! I never would forced fish sticks on you I promise. Great story
>>712049755
Go here to ask Modern Satan your questions.
>>712050319
Make her love me again
>>712050680
Maybe she never stopped
Modern jesus, can you post a timestamp so I can be sure this is no false prophet?
>>712050815
A timestamp of when?
>>712050722
Thank you, Modern Jesus. She once told me she would always love me but it was hard to believe. We are in different places of the world right now. Time and distance are shitty
>>712051735
I'm sure she does love you
Modern Satan stopping in to say that Modern Jesus has it right. There's not too much of a difference between us other than our birthdays are 6 months apart, and I'm also a lot older. Well, I Do allow anal sex between (initially) non consenting partners. Your parents have to agree at some point during the act or after you die you spend an eternity in the DMV waiting next to people just like you.
>>712052384
Lol typo ...
Your PARTNERS have to agree...
>>712052384
Right on Modern Satan
>be me 13y/o Male
>long ass hair
>class starts calling me jesus to pay me out
>one of my mates convinces the tard in class to call me jesus aswell for fun
>memerise bible quotes that jesus said to go along with it
>start using jesus quotes in normal conversation with a few of them
>friend holds a sermon for tard group at lunch and refers them to the bible
>on a rainy day after P.E. everyone leaving gym into rain
>as i walk out from the pergolla rain stops
>tards drop to their knees for worship
>i allow them to kiss my feet
>ALPHA MALE tough guy has moral high ground and wants to fight me
>tell tard hes the devil
>alpha tells everyone hes standing up for poor tards
>Day of fight.. Tards gather in their masses
>I stand in front of tard army and tell them some shit about david and the gaint
>tards unleash hell on alpha and all his group
>girls think i was standing up for tards
>got laid on the reg for rest of highschool
>mfw im not even christian, just know storys from christmas
>>712041426
Peace be with you, imposter. Behold! For i am true modern white jesus
>>712053935
Inspiring
>>712054779
OP is fukked
>>712054779
I am jealous of the stache
i want to live with my waifu after i die in a harem heaven plz
>>712041426
Fix my relationship
Let my (currently ex)girlfriend be happy without getting a sex change
Don't let me lose her
>>712054779
i apologize for rotation, just took and posted
>>712041426
please let me be happy
Hey Opesus, will I get the job and will it end my neet years forever?
>>712041426
Jebus, can I get a good score on my asvab?
>>712055070
Not sure that exists
>>712055077
If its what she really wants you may have to let her
>>712055329
You can be happy easily
>>712055334
You will get the job and everything will be great
>>712055349
Of course you can
>>712041426
Yea jesus a would like an extra inch in lenght and girdth on my dick thats all, maybe money and intelligence but yea not really thnx in advance m8 have a good hanuka( you're jew right?) christmas whatever
>>712056155
Dick size doesn't matter man. Money and intelligence will come though no stress
>>712041426
Blow it out your ugly ass
Jesus, I have been in a predicament for some time now. Will she leave for me, or will she stay? Will I become what I hope to be or continue to be in the slumps? Will I leave my mark on this world or will I simply fade into the background?
>>712041426
I'd like to get a girlfriend :3
>>712056927
You are somebody and if you want her to stay she will.
>>712041426
Could do with a job where my coworkers are competent and the customers don't scream bloody murder at me for things that aren't my fault.
>>712057171
You got it
>>712041773
>>712041802
>>712042202
>>712042956
>>712043189
>>712043410
>>712045057
>>712045264
>>712046677
>>712048280
>MFW a lot of this is actually pretty wise
>MFW no face
>>712057339
Thank you.
>>712041426
Hows the psychosis working for ya? Drug induced probably. Lol
>>712041426
Dear Jezuz, I have problem
I have many problems, but I won't adress them all (only one), since you know all of my problems because of my dayly evening prayers to you (enthough I don't really believe in the real jesus), so jezuz can you help me please to move on
>>712057353
Not if you go into retail
>>712057733
Move on from what?
Hail, summoner. Why don't you conjure me up a stable source of income?
>>712057903
A person that doesn't care about me anymore, but I still like him because he is all I want to be, i am feeling miserable since then because I am not able to move on, I don'T want to but I am to stupid to turn my feelings into something artsy so I have to move on
>>712058220
You got it
>>712058309
If they truly do not care for you, then time will help you move on. But be careful what decision you make. I found myself in a similar situation once where I chose the path of giving up. Now I see that I simply thought she moved on, when in truth she always loved me. Advice for moving on, just take it day by day
>>712041426
I need help with my financial aid. So if you could lend me some help trying to land this job to pay it off thatd be great
>>712058575
You will get the job
>>712058521
he has a new woman and started ignoring me kind of, I am so miserable I can't find joy in anything...sorry for bothering you jezuz you are awesome thanks,amen
>>712058689
Ill tell you I think my situation was more similar to that of this man. I found another woman, but do you know what? I left her when I realised she would never make me truly happy. So you see you probably know him better than anybody, based on that moving or not should be a more clear decision
Jesus, I made a bad choice and had sex w/o a condem, the girl is saying she's pregnant could you please kill the baby for me?
>>712059182
Convince her to abort
>>712041426
How do i shake the feeling of women's whorish ways and forget about worshipping Asmodeus?
>>712058886
are you telling me what you think I want to hear ? I think he left me because I wasn't myselfe around him, was to scared to put him off, which is stupid ik...I am so scared that he will never be willing to get to know the true me and that I will lose him forever..I am so miserable .-. thanks again I don't know whom I should confront with my problems cause honestly noone wants to hear
>>712059279
>Convince her to abort
she's saying no to that please jesus just grant me this one favor and let the baby pass
>>712059383
>Asmodeus
That's pretty messed up, why Asmodeus?
>>712059492
God of Lust. Retribution for those who deny the succubus.
>>712059424
Not at all. I'm only telling you the truth. The exact same thing happened to me and everything is finally working out. Give him some time and see what happens
>>712059475
I can't kill a baby if the mother wants to keep it. I'm sorry
>>712059602
So that's not you anymore?
>>712059661
But jesus I fear this child may be the reincarnation of satan, please smite the boy with your holy powers
>>712059848
Doesn't work like that either. Plus I think Satan is still alive
>>712059603
honestly I hope what you say will come true,
>>712059946
I can't promise. But the right thing will happen
Can you make some magic happen between me and the girl I've been talking to? I'm kind of stuck in a shitty situation.
>>712060127
I'll try my best
>>712059921
Jesus just kill the dam kid before I go insane and do it myself
>>712060268
I really don't think that's the best option
Dear modern cheesus why do my balls hang so low. Srs
>>712060328
All's I ask for is your blessing and you rather me turn into a monster. That's fine though
>>712060127
Same
>>712060536
you are old
>>712060536
>You're just gifted
Muslims are not peaceful people right?
>>712060720
No they are not
>>712060559
JUST FUCKING DO IT YOU IMPOSTER
Heysoos, what is the best podcast to listen to? I don't trust the charts.
>>712060772
When can we nuke them?
>>712041426
Modern jesus... perform the miracle of the Sprite into Bud once more unto us!
>>712060831
I don't listen to podcast I'm sorry. My one friend keeps recommending the one that IHE has
>>712060894
If nukes ever become an option we will know
jesus i'm confessing my sin now, I will run her over with a car and post proof in this thread
>>712060907
Not sure if I can. Could just give you some bud?
>>712061003
Shit please don't
>>712060610
>>712060619
I'm 21
help me get my crush
>>712041426
Please make us be together again.
Why are asians great at math?
>>712061120
I was right. Gifted
>>712061155
You can do it!
>>712061167
It can happen
>>712061190
Its the way the numbers in their language are said
I asked for a miracle the other day, with getting back to work. Kind of still in limbo though. Boss called and said nothings going on. On a plus he didn't outright lay me off yet though.
>>712061244
Dude what the fuck does that mean fr
>>712061440
Just have patience
>>712061155
Are vegans like white muslims?
>>712061320
Thanks
>>712061516
Thanks, I've got some unemployment left (its been on and off like this all year) but Christmas coming up makes it kind of tough.
>>712041581
Make them wrap it for your little brother or just man up and buy what you want and stop being a little bitch
>>712041426
My 32 gb sd card keeps coming up with the plz format message. I've tried everything, plz help me modern jeezus so I don't loose all my data!
>>712041773
You even type like your autism is leaking.
>>712061764
Take it to a shop
>>712061855
You even meme like your autism is leaking
>>712061965
Such comeback
Very hurt
So clever
Can you make me enjoy living
Help a Pope out
>>712062052
Of course I can
>>712062112
Nah man he's a creep
Will you exist in VR?
>>712062305
Virtual Reality?
Has Google surpassed your father's knowledge?
>>712062358
Yes sir
>>712062418
Oh you know it. My dad is smart, but google is like everything man
I need about 400 american dollars by monday
>>712062456
I'm afraid I don't understand the question
>>712062496
I will give you a blessing
>>712062585
How?
>>712062672
It's what I do
Tacos or Burritos?
Get me a new gf pls
>>712062764
I'd go burrito
>>712062803
It will happen
>>712062695
What blessing would you bestow uppon me?
>>712062898
I will help you get the money
>>712041426
Make germany great again
Modern Jesus, please help me overcome my extreme anxiety and BPD. :(
So Tinder has the option of 30+ different genders to choose from. Why are human evolving into retards? There are only 2 biological genders right?
>>712041426
Modern jesus, plz bless me with being able to get weed tonight. I have acid and I don't want to trip without some bud, or at least bless me with a good trip regardless.
Thank you modern jesus, praise be him.
Hot
>>712062982
Germany will become great
>>712041426 (OP)
please let me win the lottery <3
>>712062950
What do i need to do?
>>712062987
Have you looked for professional help?
>>712062990
Yes there are only two
>>712041426
Please gift me a real life version of tomoko
>>712062990
Wow, thats horrofing
>>712063049
You get my high blessing
>>712063084
Thats asking a lot
I can't even make the phone call to do it
>>712063104
Go looking for it
>>712063240
Thank you modern jesus.
>>712063216
>tomoko
All I can say is that they're probably out there
>>712063402
I already knew that jesus cmon
Just get me a load of money or something instead then
>>712063504
And also unlimited girlfriends
You're making me a believer, I think I love you.
>>712063504
You get a blessing
>>712063559
Thank you
>>712041426
Hey Jesus, if god was so powerful, why did he have to knock up someone else bitch? I mean Joesph was left muttering, son of god, my ass. Dat bitch be gang banging all the niggers at the bar, just one mofo didn't pull out in time.
Joesph probably wanted to kill her, but was probably like, "just go along with the immaculate conception jive" If that neighbor smirks at me about being a "cuck" one more time I'm a gonna go muslim on his ass and cut his head off.
>>712063625
What does that do?
>>712063714
That's a funny joke man. I don't know what happened cause that way all those over 2000 years ago.
Let me fuck Hannah
Should this imposter be analy raped with a serrated blade?
>>712063770
Gives you help
>>712063806
Go ahead and try
>>712063826
I think not
If we don't happen to get together, will I have somebody as special in my life again?
Will Mexicans outbreed us in the next decade?
>>712041426
