I want to start up as a stand up, can you bros please evaluate my material. I spent today creating 20 fresh jokes.
(not so good) 1-10 (best)
I'll give you 10/10 if you fuck off.
>>709341632
Provided the jokes didn't start with your picture, fire away.
>>709341716
Get ready to laugh
We can't evaluate standup by reading your jokes.
Your timing and tone of voice is important.
get on vocaroo faggot
1/20
When did the first Asstronaut land in UrAnus?
2/20
What's the deal with anal sex, my pastor says it's really shitty.
3/20
So yesterday I had two dicks in my mouth, but it wasn't gay as the balls didn't touch.
>>709341824
This, for all we know you sound like bobcat gold twait
4/20
If I fart in the mic, will people say my show stinks?
5/20
You are a crappy audience, but I don't give a shit. Later on I will bang your mother in my million doillar mansion on a polar bear rug drinking expensive champagne. Whatuuuup!
6/20
I had to keep my cat indoor so Donald Trump wont grab it.
7/20
Where I come from we call ugly chicks grenades, ok. This room is ready to blow.
8/20
Howcome PBS stations don't have toilets? They just put all their shit on television.
9/20
A friend of mine had chronic constipation, but then he turned gay.
10/20
The opposite of a burqa is a naked guy with an eye mask.
11/20
I hate fat people. They are too soft.
12/20
If I lived during the slavery-era, I'd keep slaves.
i've never heard better. quit your day job right now
13/20
I call ugly chicks grenades. I call moslem women suicide bombers.
14/20
If you aint got a since of humor don't go to a comedy show. Thats like me going to gaybar talking about how i dislike fags.
15/20
I wanna ban taco friday for chicks, because I like fucking them in the ass after I pick them up from the bar. Whatuuuup!
16/20
If you wanna be in my comedy routine next week, come see me in the bar. Prepare your anus though, ladies.
>>709341632
>fresh jokes
Come again cunt? these are all shit and none of them are yours.
I got the perfect name for you if you're going to go with these.
Carlos Mencia 2.0, you're fat and hideous so you got a head start
17/20
How do you avoid cunt farts? Fuck them in the ass.
>>709343007
18/20
Your mom is funnier than Carlos Mencia, because the decided to prank the world and not abort you.
>>709341632
wow you suck OP
19/20
Refugees are welcome in this comedy show, because nobody bombs in here while I'm on stage.
>>709343258
Did I hit a nerve?
>>709343488
No jackass, but you suck since your criticism isnt constructive. These are all my jokes and original material.
>>709343610
you had a good run, some people seem to be taking you seriously. don't push it.
...you aren't serious about this, right?
>>709343610
not sure if serious
that is shit-tier material
I could do better just trolling Trump threads
20/20
Fuck all of you manchildren. If this had been in a club you'd have to pay to hear my material.
>>709343738
I'm going up on stage this weekend, and I am fine tuning my material.
>>709343610
Then you should steal some jokes because yours are fucking terrible
>>709343610
On boy, why so triggered? I think it's because you know that most of these jokes aren't yours and you can't take it. So you're going to bitch and whine about it.
But no by all means, defend yourself
>>709343910
whatever hater, stop trollin. Nobody even commented on any of the jokes and said why they think there not funny.
>>709342026
If he did it would be an instant win
>>709341632
>>709343826
If this were a club, you'd be booed off stage and the next better comic would replace you, unfortunately your mother couldn't do the same when you were born
>>709344122
>>709343910
So are the jokes so good I had to have stolen them, or are they terrible? Make up your mind.
>>709343826
dude your trolling is atrocious
pls kys
>>709341632
Search the audience for tomatoes and rotten fruit. Or wear a plastic sheet.
>>709344290
You mixed in stolen and shit jokes, just because they were stolen doesn't inherently make them good you mongoloid
I dont know if this is some sort of copypasta or inside joke, but those are honestly very cringeworthy unfunny jokes. There is no irony to them, nothing clever. Even if you told those jokes to your friends irl in a bar, I doubt anyone would find them funny.
Really, anyone who ever told you you are funny should be playing a sick joke on you.
Also, you look like a lesbian (I dont know if you are in fact a lesbian or not)
Your jokes are wack, fag
End your existence now before I end it for you, Josh.
>>709344461
I've never stolen a joke. The jokes are all so old they've become Public Domain.
>>709343901
Act like the spastic you are
>>709344712
So its not OC, faggot
>>709344794
Actually that was 21/20
Take a joke, faggot.
shit sucks dude. find another hobby
>>709344712
And finally ladies and gentlemen he admits the act. Bravo sir, well done indeed
>>709344934
Seems like people hit a lot nerves with you, I mean you can lie and say you're trolling but you just look retarded
>>709344934
>Wants to be a comic but takes everything seriously.
You're either trolling or a retard but I'll indulge you and please for the love of god, if you go on stage. Record that shit: Even if it's just audio. It woulf be the best present ever.
>>709345101
Yeah, I'm planning a youtube channel for my comedy appearances.
>>709341632
I wouldn't recommend these types of jokes in a stand up setting. Not enough substance or flow.
>>709341975
>i have heard this joke a hundred times already
This one isnt original
>>709345239
Can I ask? Why is it that you think you are funny? I really have to know.
>>709345465
That its not gay if the balls dont touch is a common saying, but in the setting of two cocks i my mouth it hasnt been done before. because I am talking about there balls touching, not mine.
>>709342111
You fucking suck
>>709341632
I'll be nice here. 12/20
>>709341632
Chris D'Elia wants his "waddup" back.
>>709345465
And let the triggered spastic respond now
I watch a LOT of standup online. I've seen much much much unfunny jokes. If you've got any charisma or stage presence you can make that material work. Except a couple of them I just didn't get, even to groan at. Good luck.
>>709345517
I'm just a very naturally funny person. Ever since i was a kid, ive been entertaining family and friends with funny antics.
The youtube channel will have my future appearences in clubs, but also I will make videos of myself talking about funny stories into the camera.
>>709345635
Seems like a personal experience rather than just a joke, but you do you OP
>>709341909
+1 catholic humour
>>709341632
You're trying way too hard, just be down to earth and try to relate the common man.
>>709345985
It's also playing with ender identities. It will be funnier for people when I do it on stage, since I was born a woman but identify as male.
>>709345931
Okay- then lets do a dry run before the big show. That way you can actually get some critique if you're serious about this.
Even if you did the same jokes- it's either audio presence alone or how you carry the set on stage.
Generally speaking stand ups will rant on about one topic and their jokes will link through it. You're throwing a bunch of one liners around. That doesn't mean every joke has to be long or anything but a good set up is needed for a good delivery. Watch a lot of professional comedians to get an idea of how they work. One of the key elements of comedy is misery. The more build up and misery you have the more humor there will be. One liners can be good but it's best to start long then compress.
For example (off the top of my head):
So, I was coming from seeing Titanic in the cinema. We all fuckin remember that, don't we? Every man was dragged along to that shit fest. Anyway, on the way home the car clearly had enough of hearing her hum that bloody theme and decided to appropriately kill itself. So there we were at the side of the road, me having a smoke while my wife desperately tried to get help by waving at cars until some fat fuck in a tow-truck pulls over. "What's the problem, mam?" Of course my wife tells him and he goes to take a look. I pull my wife to the side "Honey, look at him. That fat cunt probably couldn't tell a nail from a bloody hammer." At that point, I hear someone from behind me..."Actually I'm a mechanic...and you've got a screw loose."
>>709341632
You should focus on some self-degrading jokes, it might be all you have in the pocket. All 20 were duds. Unless you have some fantastic delivery that doesn't translate well into text, start over with a new list.
>>709346364
Fuck if this is real you are shit and seriously fucked up. Kill yourself
>>709346364
What about self deprecating humour? Poking fun at yourself in a sense?
>>709346451
ok, thank you, I will try to think of some theme I can use to link more jokes. I like gender rights issues.
>>709346451
We found the actual comedian.
>>709342180
Keep yourself indoors while you're at it.
>>709345931
A: One liners are insanely hard to pull off. Mitch Hedberg is a legend with these. Look to him for inspiration, and don't steal any of his fucking jokes.
B: If you get this fucking triggered over people saying your jokes suck, have fun with a real audience, and have fun trying to think of witty comebacks, seeing as your awful jokes were the pinnacle of your witticism.
>>709346814
Ironic that I have depression
>>709346932
most comedians do.
Now finish the fucking joke and kill yourself.
>>709346932
Well most good comics have severe depression or mental issues so if anything you've got the gift.
>>709346802
Then get some ideas about gender issues that cause pain and make a story out of it. An example could be attitudes on shared bathrooms and perverts.
>>709341632
Stand up comedians are not funny. Ever. If you are trying that hard to be funny you just aren't.
>>709346932
you just got a screw loose.
>>709346451
You can set shit up bu; man, your punchlines need work. Even as a shitty example lol.
I'd say learn to tell a story, recount the joke like an old story between friends; make it feel personal, emphasize a little- don't lie out your ass but you're on stage. Nothing wrong with giving it some flair and either break it up a little with some little jokes or contrast the build up with the punchline.
>>709347094
Mental issues were the best gift my dad ever gave me
>>709347138
I like the thought of exposing bigots through comedy.
>>709346802
I can't talk about gender rights issues, I'm having trouble identifying it.
It's a really shitty joke which I tried to make the joke at how most of them can't identify who the fuck they are.
>>709342823
This one is actually good.
>>709347345
Dark humor at it's finest.
>>709342026
You say that like it's a bad thing.
>>709347360
Then make up a story about that but try to make it current. Perhaps exposing Clinton as a bigot through a fictional story but based in fact. Draw attention to the 2004 footage of her speaking against gay marriage for example.
>>709347432
Well, an oppressive joke is just hate speech.
>>709346932
Look at Robin Williams, made many laugh through his comedy and acting. But depression is not biased against it's targets.
>>709347651
If jokes are hate speech I should be in prison along with the Clintons, Trump and OP.
>>709347559
The only thing my Dad gave me was a single Mom. ;_;
>>709347800
Shame too because he was great at a lot of different types of comedy.
>>709347651
Oh you're one of those people. That line of comedy that no one is supposed to cross huh? Well with the right wording you can make it work. Although everyone's line is different
>>709342111
Waste of trips ugh
This isnt even a joke
>>709341632
I think that everyone has a potential to be a standup comic, perhaps go to a writing workshop, stay away from one liners as they can really ruin a set if they continue to fall flat, try to come up with a funny experience that happened to you or just make shit up that builds to something tremendously funny cuz that's what most comics do, and contrary to popular belief, watching standup does not help, you just have to get a hang of it yourself.
Have you actually tried stand up? It can be a fucking nightmare
>>709347959
My dad gave me a single father
>>709347959
And a tiny dick
You should end all of your jokes by saying hotpocket . You can thank me for my o/c after the show
>>709347196
How did I manage to miss that one? Oh yeah...screw loose
>>709348065
This. Unfortunately he missed the fucking point entirely.
Interpretation is everything and something that works in multiple ways or satirically mocking the fact that it cant be joked about works perfectly.
>>709342518
>>709342633
>>709342943
>>709343826
These aren't even jokes
Pls tell me you're a troll
No one is this bad at humor
>>709348130
Nah bro but it'd be partlicularly homo of you to ask for proof now, eh?
>>709348023
It was such a shock, he was able to use whatever he could to his advantage
>>709341832
NO. 1/10
>>709341909
If you can pull off a mitch hedberg style of timing this could work.
>>709341975
No. 1/10
>>709342039
no
>>709342180
ehhh 4/10
>>709342235
Nope.
>>709342316
ehhh 5/10 needs work
>>709342400
8/10 again depends on timing.
>>709342457
This one actually made me lol
>>709342518
meh
>>709342633
what?
this can't be real
>>709341632
I have a friend JUST like you in real life... I'm glad you came here, where I can honestly tell you that your jokes are honestly shit (3/20 gave me a slight chuckle only because I remembered the first time I heard that joke and how funny it was in that context)
If I knew you in real life I'd never be able to tell you that as to not be the "asshole that crushes your dreams" but believe me when I say you should really reconsider this unless you enjoy massively disappointing yourself and the people around you
>>709348582
I wish he had have gotten a good drama film behind him too. His acting was great in serious films but he almost always seemed to throw a joke in somewhere.
>>709348651
>mfw it's real
>>709341632
sorry but women aren't funny. Try a new career.
>>709348542
Post pics, faggot
You just have bad one liners
I once tried one liners in a youtube sketch
https://youtu.be/LfCCsV6imjA
>>709348936
No?
OP here, I'm gonna leave for now.
Thanks for the constructive criticism, but some of you people need to work with how you act towards people starting new trades.
>>709348669
This. Very much this. Don't try looking to get a career out of comedy dude.
>>709348916
Women aren't funny? You've clearly never been to a feminist protest
>>709349154
Kek
>>709341832
Shit tier m8
Correction, you and women aren't funny. Good catch there lady.
>>709349134
Try to create a new joke before you get back and share it with us so we can see how you've progressed
>>709349312
>>709349154
fucking quote didnt work.
>>709341909
Still shit tier m8
>>709348916
watch your nouns, not a woman.
>>709349026
What's the matter? Show us your dick you little faggot.
>>709341975
Way overused = shit tier m8
>>709342039
Kill yourself m8
>>709349399
sorry trans-woman?
>>709342633
This is literally just a statement. Could only pull it off if you're black.
>>709349362
Mate, if you keep acting like a cunt you're going to get fucked like one.
>>709342111
If I was in the audience I would catch a severe case of autism-aids-cancer
>>709342878
Its ok, just depends on the timing. Also, dont add the Whatuuuup. it sounds gay
>>709342180
Kill youself
>>709349545
I think it's more that he's white so he'd have kept black slaves
>>709342235
Still shit tier m8
>>709342316
I wont catch autism-aids-cancer from this one, just cancer
>>709349582
>>709342400
Needs a story after that would give meaning to this
>>709342457
Still cancer
>>709348817
Miss Doubtfire and the genie from Aladin and Bisin something man I can't remember. And his 1972 performance at the met, broadway and Weapons of Self destruction. I remember those wonderful performances
>>709342518
Still shit
>>709342633
Where is the joke? Is it because you are black and poor?
>>709342709
Not funny/10
The anon's responses to your shenanigans are actually funnier than you "jokes", OP.
Your jokes are so tasteless and tryhard edgy, not even /b/ is entertained.
I mean, that must mean someting.
>>709342823
Again needs anecdotal story to actually make people laugh but could work
Op. All of your jokes.... they suck.
things to improve:
1. don't rely on one liners
2. if you are, make sure they link to a theme.
3. understand what your audience wants to hear.
4. listen to some of these guys. bo burnham, conan, louis, gamegrumps. you know, white people jokes.
5. most importantly, be honest. share real stories, if not, make them sound as if they are. people like real shit.
>>709349953
No doubt they were amazing performances but I felt he had so much potential for a genuinely serious performance. I have nothing but love for his other work
>>709342878
Still fucking bad, if you had a story how something like picking up a fat chick friday night and goin for some bukake and getting your bed shat all over and a river of liquid shit or somethj g happned that took a (time amount) to get the smell out (pause for effect) (time amont again)
>>709349722
But in that instance it's literally just a statement with no humor potential. The only way it could possibly be slightly funny is if he's black because it would be ironic.
>>709342943
You are more skilled in the grilline at mcds. Get some sleep, you have a early shift tomarrow
>>709343029
Shit tier
>>709344636
He said his friends and family found his antics funny. That already says something
>>709343258
Shit tier comeback. Could work on a set if you had someone yell that you are a carlos mecia clone from the audience
>>709350483
I think really it depends on the delivery because he could make it sound like he is stating he'd give up his morals to be rich. It works to some extent but it would need a good delivery.
>>709343385
Not remotely funny/10
>>709350325
Yeah
>>709343826
I would have demanded a refund after that and would have kicked your ass for my money back it was so bad
>>709341632
Your face is pretty depressing, I'd recommend wearing a plastic bag over it when you perform.
>>709343826
>"Material"
>"yours"
>>709341632
Show us your dick.
>>709350794
Jimmy Carr is really good with hecklers and Louis C.K. as well
>>709344289
/thread
>>709349403
Lol.
>>709344712
Your writing is just shit m8 if you talk like this to real people you must be reguarded as an autist
>>709342180
>>709342457
>>709342633
>>709342823
These are pretty good but I like the dry humour
Norm MacDonald couldn't save these one-liners and that's his fucking schtick.
>>709342111
I thought this one was pretty funny. 7/10 friendo.
>>709348187
Dont you dare take jim gafigans punchline
>>709341632
You're a fat faggot with Jew hair and I automatically hate you.
>>709342457
Can I use this joke?
this thread reminds me of that st:tng episode where data tried to learn about comedy
>>709343826
Id take you to court if you kade me pay for that shit masqerading as "comedy"
Stopped at #7. These are terrible
