>>707292213 That's actually probably even worse if you know why he said it. He was diagnosed with incurable lymphoma and his wife was diagnosed with inoperable cancer and died shortly after that episode was filmed. He died a few years after that.
I gave it my all. 4 years I gave her my every thing. I saw the shows she wanted to see and went to places she loved. I shared all I could with her. I gave her my love and then one day she breaks my heart and tells me she's been sleeping with someone else for the last 4 years. Some days I even wonder why I'm still here
/b/, do you ever just sit alone in the dark and wonder about what it's like to lose everything, whether it's the numerous family and friends in your life, or that special girl/guy who saved you and made you feel alive? do you ever wonder how the color and emotion(other than blind rage and crippling sadness) would fade from your life as you descend into an flurry of madness and panic, waking up everyday with pain in your lungs and heart hoping it was just a nightmare? do you guys fear the day that all of this happen, that all of your hopes of happiness would just slip from you? do you guys have that same mix of sharp and aching pain in your heart that cant be driven away? does /b/ also cry in fear at night of the thought of losing it all? I do. I can't lose her /b/, and this isn't just her love for me, it's her life in consideration this time. it fucking hurts /b/, and it feels like i won't be able to keep her and save her. do me a favor, /b/, and hold the people and things you love and cherish the most right now and never leave them. never give up on them.
>Be me around 10th grade >Parents divorce. >Move to new school. >Not many friends >Meets girl named Lydia >Nice girl, very busshy brows, but nice >We talk, and hang out at local fried chicken place >She's poor so I buy her food. >We talk. >She takes me to see a play(She was an actor type) >We go see a play have fun, she introduces me to who would later become my girlfriend of 8 months >Me and Lydia fall out of 1 on 1 contact, though still talk at lunch every day with friends. >January 9th comes, she seems sad. >I don't say anything, as I didn't know why. >She walks out from school, no one knows where she is. >I figured she was just leaving school early. >Sleep in late next day, wake up around 7 at night. >New voicemail from now ex gf girl. > "Hey, I'm sorry... I can't reach you, but we found her... She's dead..." >pause > "Lydia's dead. I figured I'd just let you know." >I don't believe it. >Go to Lydia's facebook page. >Tons of poems and videos of people crying. >Still thinks it's some sick joke >Goes to school hoping to see her at lunch. >Dean pulls all of her friends into a large what I'm assuming was teachers lounge. >Says that it's best to stay here for the day. >Anouncements come on to say that they had lost another student(2 previous suicides that month) >As that happens 5-10 heads, including my own all hit the table sobbing. >It was real. >Months go by of pure depression and constant talking other friends out of suicide over it. >Finally get back to semi-normal state. >Today happens to be her birthday.
>>707295738 Well I've had all my grandparents die, my dad is dead now, and I don't really see my brother and sister anymore. My mom has dementia so she's nearly dead. It's not as difficult as you might think. But perhaps it depends on if you visit nostalgic locations. I do have a lot of memories and nostalgia about the past and I don't like visiting locations where I've lived in the past for that reason.
i want out. i want to lie in bed all day and be soaked in the happy dreams of childhood. it hurts to try, and everything feels fake. i hate the hollowness of being an adult. i miss waking up at 10 am and having cinnamon rolls and being happy. i miss going to the koi pond and laughing at their faces as they blubbed to the surface. i miss falling asleep on long car rides. i miss wanting to know more about the world. i miss the feeling that i would never be 12. I want out. I want sleep. I want peace. I want innocence. But I don't want to die.
I haven't been the same since. Lots of drinking and drugs. I thought I'd turn to fucking strangers but no. I just don't want to deal with women anymore. I don't want a relationship, I don't want kids. I just want to go through life as I am now, just drinking and smoking the herb to numb it all
>>707296286 I highly doubt it as she did have a boyfriend at the time, though it was after she broke up with one boyfriend a month prior. Plus her an exGF got into a fight a few weeks before, so I don't know.
>>707296917 i hope things get better after this election. things have gotten dark. everyone is angry and sad. nobody likes where things are going. everytime i see stories about the election i get sad. this needs to change. i want the light
Not gunna greentext but, gf @ 17 was hit by a truck about a metre and a half infront of me, 9 years later still hearing her voice in my head she says stuff like why didn't you save me, we could have been together forever, shit I really can't bear to hear, but a half bro and sister I love but don't see enough cos depression and, sorry I know my writing style is shit, also mum had cancer she's not well, slowly getting worse, probably won't be long now so I look after her too, going to college to learn something I can get a good job with, all to please family, have no real intention of having a good life anymore, gunna look after my mum til she goes, then I'll get my out, only hope my bro and sis someday understand, I wish I could have been there more for them, I hate myself for it.
I don't know what to do /b/. I'm so pissed off I can't think straight. The piece of shit that molested 2 of my cousins isn't going to prison. He actually pleaded guilty to it and he's just getting house arrest and probation. I've never wanted to harm someone before, but this is about to push me over the edge.
>JR. High >in the crap plays that are really cheesy, but I had time and talent, so why not? >play was about hillbilly girls that fall in love with city folk >I was a mute guy who ended up with the main city lady >easily 8/10, but she was in the library and seemed to like me she became a 9/10 >obviously had a dream about her >we're about to get on stage, and she turns, smiles at me and says the three magic words: >"I love you" >I had morning wood before, but not like this >wanted to be around her more >I sat at her table and everything, this should be easy >invite her to this one dance at this one park >not 16, so I couldn't drive and crap like that, so we decide to meet up there >one of my friends (main lead in play) joins us to go into woods >that's fine I guess, I was planning to slow roll anyway >they start talking a lot with each other >decide to cross a river >crapno.jpeg >walk back, eat food and stuff >night ends, about a week later >they get together >like, on top of each other back stage, kissing and stuff >I'm obviously deviated >get all depressed >I even don't talk for an entire practice >this girl likes artic monkeys >listen to "do I wanna know," and cry while thinking about her >If I wasn't a sissy and crossed that river I would've been with her >week before performance >teachers have a meeting on wednesdays, so we could mess around before starting rehearsals >decide to stay back, because I don't want to be around girl I liked >two kids hold back as well, and start talking about magic >I ask questions, so finally one kid lets me play >I lose, don't know what I'm doing >but I'm so interested in it >cut to first night >I'm holding girl that I cried about in my arms, while main guy is just staring me down >go out to front, my family is congratulating me and crap >one magic kids invited me to FNM that night >sure why not >still don't know what I'm doing, but with the help of friend I'm winning >now I'm hooked
>>707297049 There's nothing you can do Anon, just accept that sometimes life fucks up, and you have to let things like that go. I know first hand what it's like to lose someone like that, and being SO CLOSE to helping them, but for some reason not. Just know that you can't change it, and shouldn't feel bad. And that it's not your fault.
>>707297725 It's pretty important to actually move on to a new location when something like that occurs. It's really psychologically healthy to separate yourself from memory cues that you associate with someone you were close to that died.
>>707296526 >want Not gonna lie, that seems like a really shitty existence. Eventually you gotta get back out there, meet some chicks, have some fun. Drinking yourself to death isnt the greatest life choice you could have. It will get better, anon. Believe in a /b/ro, it gets better.
>>707297850 I don't know if this has enough feels, but why not?
>I'm hooked because I'm forgetting about the girl that broke my heart >end of the year >get my yearbook, start signing everybody's yearbook that was in the play, including girl >don't want to completely forget about her just yet >get my yearbook back, and surprised to find THREE phone numbers >I don't have a phone yet, but thanks for the sediment >one girl in particular asks me out >through a note >by her friend-guy >who also introduced me to magic >I refuse, because I still felt like crap, didn't have a phone or a car >she's a grade younger than me, so I had one year with my thoughts, grow fond of her >the girl I liked was still with guy >make out in front of band hall, no one likes them >girl breaks up >guys find another girl, does the same thing in the same place >despicablesaysdaffyduck.mp4 >a year passes >I see girl that asked me >we start talking again >she's really nice >she has terrible depression and attachment issues, but I don't want to let her down >she's the first person I've loved as a friend outside of my family >now I'm an alpha at school >hangs out with student body president and everything >really good at magic, but technically not a nerd >Now liking another girl, and she likes me back
>my dream failed >I didn't cross the river >but I still turned out fine
> be me 23 yrs >work full time and go to university > mother in and out of hospital since kid >Christmas time/shitty min wage slave work every day >mom goes to hospital think nothing of it. >work late so can't make visiting hours >visit on my birthday >she's wearing and oxygen mask having seizures with tears Rnning down face > I freak out and leave next day is Christmas and I have last min shit to do > boxing day phone rings dad says I should get to hospital >run every red light on the way but get Calli in parking lot > mom died and I cried like a faggot
>>707296065 Figured I'd follow up on this with a few things I left out.
>We both were in a play at the time she killed herself, Addams Family play. >Her spot didn't get replaced, just left out. >Yearbook has pages dedicated to her. >Weird Banners of her around school, most of which spelled her name wrong. >Finds her name in my phone which I forgot I had. > Read old messages. > Feels... > Play becomes dedicated to her, and has huge speach at the begining. > Still occasionally feel that I should have done something as I was the only one there at lunch the day she was looking sad before walking out. I could have said something, I could have done something but didn't. >Gotta live with it. >A few months later a new girl joins the school who's very very simmilar only looks different. > Same fucking birthday.
The last bit isn't related but it's kinda weird that it happened. Thought I'd share that bit.
>>707299261 shit man Im sorry Ive been there, thinkin I was so close, but too late and dont worry we come here for shit stories its a shit thread, people telling about their sad lives but here we all are for the feels just the same
>>707300094 I want someone who I can tell how i feel. nobody is here for me. every day is passing by with no event. I appreciate it anon, but i can never fill this hole inside me if nobody is here for me.
>middle school >new kid in grade 8 >We'll call him louie >Louie was from seattle >Typical grungy kid, listened to nirvana. Pearl jam. Torn up clothes. All that >He played guitar >We decide to start a band, I play bass >One day I go to his house. We play skyrim for an hour, it had just came out at the time >Louie went to go get something from his room, took him a little while for some reason. Can't remember why >I'm sitting on his couch awkwardly >Louie didn't tell me he had a sister >Sister comes out >Hey Louie could yo- >"No no, I'm Louies friend" (we looked a lot alike I guess) My names anon. >"O-oh...I'm sorry." >She retreats to her room >Louie comes back and we play more skyrim
>Later on that day, they all have family night. I decide to stay >Louie lives with his sister and his mom, who has some sort of cancer. Dad isn't in the picture. >We all three throw on a blanket and watch horror movies >Sister, whom we'll call J, sits in the middle. Mom sits on the other side of the couch in her wheel chair (her condition disabled her legs) >J is a gothy type of chick >Shes suuuper artsy, room cluttered with painting utensils and stuff >Into really weird industrial goth music, wears a choker >She notices my hands and really likes them for some reason, asks if she can see them >Uh. Sure >WOAH theyre so boney and veiny (I'm a really skinny guy) >Really weirdly intrigued with my hands, kinda freaks me out but I'm cool with it >We eventually start holding hands under the covers, rest of the family doesn't notice >Find out J is 3 years older than me
>>707300103 My mother's not exactly a saint, which is what makes her so great, we can talk real, gritty and such. And be completely open. When Lydia died she was the only one I'd go to, and I cried like a HUGE FUCKING PUSSY, hours and hours, and I'd like to say I didn't but that'd be lying.
And my mother was there all the time, trying to comfort me and such. I'm DREADING the day she dies, though I hope it's long from now. She's honestly the only person I'd ever go to to talk about things. I've got trust issues, and no one else would get the full story of it.
>be me 23 >already depressed >almost lose dad to liver failure >he stops drinking but i still worry all the time that he'll go back to drinking >mom constantly in and out of hospital >constantly worried about her declining health >see my uncle takes his last breathes right in front of me >will never forget my mother and my grandmother's reaction to him passing >constantly think about him getting carried away by the coroner >brother is falling into the same habits as my dad >always drinks and drives thinking he'll never crash or get caught >can't get him to stop
All I ever do is worry nowadays. It makes me want to drink, but I don't want to end up like dad, mother and brother. I don't want to talk to my friend about it, because I don't want them to worry too much. I just want it to end. I don't want to have to worry anymore. All I ever think about is: "What's gonna happen to my family?" or "Are my younger sibling going to end up the same way as my parents did?" I just want to relax, but I never can.
>>707300347 over the years i realized my mom is a broken person who can't emotionally support other people. as i grew older and my emotions became more complex, she pushed me away and ignored me. I remember one time telling her about how ive kept my depressed feeling bottled up and how at one point i really did think of suicide. i was crying and shaking, and as i waited for a response she just said "oh shut up." this pattern of ignorance and apathy toward my feelings from my mom has left a hole inside me. I used to be a momma's boy when i was little, and there's nothing inside me now. It hurts so much.
I'm happy that these threads exist, it helps me with feeling blue, it reminds me why I keep on doing what I'm doing, because of love, not because of my hate. I love every one of you faggots, be safe. And remember no matter how hard it gets, I will be here in this thread, listening.
>>707300310 >Everytime I hang out with Louie, I start slowly talking and paying attention to his sister more and more >Louie starts to notice it and I can tell. I'm sure he didn't like it but he dealt with it. >Mom is really fucking laid back, lets me spend the night >I decide to sleep on the couch >J comes out and sits with me before bed. Shes in throw on clothes. Ya know, the shit girls wear to bed. >We talk for a little bit. >It gets awkwardly silent after we've said everything there is to be said, we're just kind of staring at each other now >Out of no where she kisses me >Super surprised, don't have much kissing experience >Might I mention J is almost 3 years older than me >She invites me back to her room >She leads me with her hand >Clumsily stepping over paint brushes and markers and make up and shit like that >Heard a couple things snap but she doesn't seem to care >We end up sleeping together >Shit was awesome. Felt alpha having sex with a girl whos 16 about to be 17. I'm 14. >Next day Louie is very upset that I came out of his sisters room in the morning. Not sure if he heard anything. >Feel kind of like a dick, but at this point I think I'm totally in love with this chick
>Fast forward 8 months, we're together and spend every day together. She paints and writes poems for me all the time. >All the art is kind of meh, I liked it but I wasn't super stoked on it all. She was very good at it though >J's mom is getting worse >Shes like a fucking second mom to me now >Eventually she's put into nursing care >Visit her in the hospital with J and Louie >She's coherent for the most part, I can tell shes on heavy meds >Visit her in the hospital with J frequently >I basically watch a human being degrade from cancer over the next 2 weeks >Every day she gets worse.
>>707301240 she's been through something like a year of chemo and radiation and had surgery. I'm so scared of losing her. if this round of treatment doesn't work she has about a year to live. i can't lose her. not now.
Fuck my life, dudes. I'm hopelessly in love with this chick at work. Managed to get the courage to ask her out, but I got friendzoned. And despite that I'm trying to play it cool in case I get a second chance. Every time we hang out though I keep finding more things that I love about her and she's just finding out things that seem to be disgusting her.
>>707301435 On the exterior she seems like she's handling it well. but some nights, she just breaks down... she's so scared... i can't lose her now, and she's only 52... she can't die now. My family needs her.
>2nd year college >didn't have the grades to make the list for my colleges "Rome Program"(basicly a semester abroad that everyone takes their 2nd year >all my friends go spring semester >I stay back >"don't worry about me guys I'll be fine have fun" >grandmother gets very sick >plan trip to go visit her in two weeks >day before my trip >get call "she isnt doing well doctors say she might have hours" >fucks me up you know >take important test (bomb (I am goong to end up the failmy failure)) > speed 300 miles back >get there say my goodbyes >driving back >get phone call "she passed" >funeral etc. >in a bad place all my friends are in Rome >drink >like alot >need more >skip pussy shit go straight from nothing to cocaine >in deep >failing classes >suicidal thoughts but I'm better than that just wish I had better thoughts. >somehow pass my classes and my friends come back home >somehow they found out about my drug use >honestly that was my fault I can't keep my hands off my phone when im drunk >fast forward to now >3rd year >I had friends >clean and sober all summer and still am >still no friends >the killy yourselfy thoughts are back but Im better than that (even if just barely) >Im optimistic-er than I ever have been but still wanna put lead through my dome >finally turn 21 in a week >dont know if anyone will be willing to celebrate with me >things still arent looking up but hopefully I can find a thing a day that I can be thankful for > cheers mates heres to tomorrow
>>707301617 It's because we are here for eachother, sure we jest and talk shit about one another on other threads, but here we all know that on the other side of the screen is a real person, not a robot or an unloving relative or that nigger who stole your bike. Someone just like you and me, finding a place to vent all of the frustrations and troubles that we experience. I love everyone here with brotherly love that I reserved for my closest friends, even though I have none.
"I could offer a million answers - all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person. But, that's gonna change - I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die." -Renton at the end of Trainspotting that movie always made me feel
>>707301547 It does. >>707301570 Years of neglect, drug abuse in the household, violence between her and my step-father, the regular stuff, I love her with all my heart but it hurts too much to talk to her due to the trauma from a those years and a few nights in particular. I just sent her a "I love you" text, and even typing that made me remember. >>707301531 Haven't talked to her in years because it hurts.
>14 >grandmother has Alzheimer >been in a home for about 3 years >Never go see her because instead of angsty teen I cried at the littlest things >mom decides she wants to go see her since she may not have long >she ends up calling me while we were there >I ask her if she remembers anyone >she says no, can't even speak >start to feel sick >mom asks if I want to say hello >I tell her sure >she says okay say hello >I say hi grandma >here gasp >grandma smiles >she hadn't smiled the entire time they were there >she knew my voice >she remembered me out of the fog >fucks me up to this day
>>707301123 >Shes had cancer for years, but it now just started to take a heavy toll >I Watch her in her death bed. >Shes making this gurgling sound >The only thing she can really do is loll her head. >Her eyelids are heavy >J is holding her hand, I'm sitting next to her >My face is completely flushed. I'm fucking 14. I've never seen someone die >Except maybe on thatsphucked.com or something, but this is real. >This. Is real life. >She smiles at certain things that J says, but that's it. She can no longer talk. >We had to eventually leave. J and Louie go back home with their Uncle who had come down from Washington >Hes a total dick >Doesn't let me spend the night, but I understand. Thats not why I think he's a dick though
>Their mom dies in the hospital the next morning. I'm not there to see it. >J and Louie have to move back to Washington with their uncle. He agreed to take them in. >I have to say goodbye
>We spend one last night at her house >I'm watching movers take all their shit away >Including the couch that I first kissed her on >J is crying, Louie is distant in his room >After that its just kind of a haze
>After she moved, I date another girl after a couple weeks >Store all of J's art and poetry in a shoebox >I get over it surpisingly quick, try to forget everything
>Fast forward to now Getting dumped constantly, can never find a girl that will stay Just, and JUST now thinking back to everything that happened
I took her for granted /b/. She wanted to make it work over long distance but I said no. She deleted me on Facebook when she saw I was in another relationship. Now that I'm almost 19 I'm figuring out that I like a lot of the same shit as her Now, I would die for a girl that would make art for me. I listen to all the shit she tried so hard to get me to listen to, but I refused I was super faggy and into Blink 182 and Green Day and other crap like that. I wish I could have a second chance, now that I'm older. I'd do it all differently.
>>707302280 Similar thing happened to me but I gave 0 fucks when my grandma died. It was like a month after my mom died tho. My grandmother had craxy Alzheimer's and the last thing she did was smile and wave at me. Majority of my cousins aunts etc were there and she gave zero fucks. It was weird cuz I hadnt seen her in 10 yrs
>>707302120 Tell her that even though she may have made your life miserable, you still will make an attempt. My father was similar, after my parents divorced they had 50 50 custody. My mother made him out to be a bad guy and he did kick me in the ribs and got mad at me when his garage door broke. So I left when I was 14 and lived with my mother full time. Now that I'm 19 I've built a bridge back to him and we have forgiven each other. It's better now, we go shooting whenever we get a chance and check out all kinds of good stuff. I hope you have just as good luck as I did and fix things anon. I love you, /b/ro
>>707302434 I heard that too. I just really hope she was peaceful where she was. I've lost 2 people to it, and I'm really nervous it's gonna happen to me. But hey, maybe I'll finally get some damn sleep kek
>>707302668 Thanks, I wish I never stopped talking to her in the first place, I have so many regrets at this point in my life, the only reason I haven't killed myself yet is the thought of how devastated my biological father would be, he loves me so much, more than any father could love their son, though he has the maturity of a child, but I love him so much and never want to hurt him by killing myself
>>707303119 Please /b/ro, don't an hero. We are here for you. Try fixing things for us. I didn't give up and neither should you. Yes I've contemplated suicide, but it's not worth it. If you are young enough get a hobby, then try to find a job that is like your hobby. Please, don't an hero, I'm here for you.
>>707303515 to me it sounds like she was in a terrible place and you weren't there for her. if you still miss her, there's nothing you have to lose by contacting her and apologizing. do it anon i believe in you
Ever since one of my friends killed herself, I've accepted the inevitably of death. Numerous relatives and pets have died in the past 7 years and I haven't been affected by any of them. Am I broken /b/ros?
>>707303609 It's 2:35 AM and I have things to do tomorrow, yet here I am crying like a little bitch and ignoring my own mother over shit that happened when I was 14, when I was younger I never knew somebody could hate themselves this much.
>>707301778 I understand the family failure thing. No one in my family is super successful, but they all look to me to be the best possible. I'm the first to go to college in my family. There is just so much pressure from them, it's crushing. I love my parents. I just wish they would understand that I'm not as smart as they think I am. I had to drop Comp. Eng. Cause it was too hard. They didn't understand, I can do anything, why would I change? I switch to Accounting. I like numbers and money, might as well put them together. They all seem so disappointed. I even set my goals high, investigative accounting for FBI. Still not enough. I just want to live my life like I want, you know?
>>707303680 It's called becoming numb, there is nothing wrong with it. You aren't broken, you just can't remember why we live. We live because of our sense of self, for pleasure, pain, happiness, sadness, love, hate, or even because of dread. Your friend may have been struggling with something you couldn't imagine, but you need to grieve. If you don't, you may end up entirely dead. But you posted here, that showed me that there is still some light left in there. Cherish it, don't snuff it out.
>27 now >Nobody listens to me >Always gets interrupted >my opinions are never valued or cared about >always sad about my ex breaking up with me >never leave the house >"It'll get better!" >It never does >Hopelessly alone >I haven't celebrated my birthday since I was 21 because no one ever comes by
Compared to most you anons this is just me complaining. Ya'll got it way worse than I.
>>707303862 Not the same anon but listen to me bro. We're all human. We make mistakes, relationships may look destroyed and dead but everything is fixable. My dad's been an abusive cunt since I was 5, but he tries to be friendly, and he always apologizes after he gets angry. I'm trying to forgivehim still by hanging out with him and talking all the time. I get it, years of abuse are really difficult to forget, so don't try. Use it as the foundation of your relationship. Talk to her about it, ask her why. Take it slow, I believe in you. We believe in you.
>>707304322 Believe me, I've tried that stuff. I'm not saying that I'm going to go an hero myself; I'm just saying people die around me and I can't do anything but feel somber. No tears or depression, just negativity.
>>707304195 Hey man, just because we have it worse, doesn't mean you're having it rough. We all take things differnetly, just know that you'll always have us to talk to anon. I've learned to follow over the years because no one really gives a shit about my opinion, so I know how you feel. But I'll be heading to the army soon, hoping to fix that. There are highs and lows on this roller coaster, just wait till things start getting good buddy. Oh and happy birthday for all those years you never heard it. I'll be sure to take a shot for you.
>>707304546 Hey anon, I'm still in the same boat. I feel that completely. I'm the one who posted the Lydia story, and completely feel the same as you do. I don't get sad over deaths anymore, it's the threshold I said.
>>707304316 I threw up twice tonight crying over this, I don't know if I'll be able to sleep, might have to call in sick tomorrow. Starting now though I'm going to start replying and trying to hold conversation with her, maybe it'll feel better in the long run, at least then I won't hold the guilt of making her hate herself more than she already does. >>707304329 If only. I can't escape even by sleeping, in the day I can't focus, my mind is constantly on the past, I take medication to try to make me forget but it doesn't fucking work, when I come out my mind goes to the past, when I focus on work I end up focusing on the past, I've tried getting high to forget, but it just intensifies these feelings, especially oxycodone, which I guess I should be glad, since that didn't fall to addiction. Every night when I fall asleep I have nightmares and vividly relive the night I watched my step father attempt to beat my mother to death, every night my dreams somehow incorporate him as a monster or protagonist, even if it looks nothing like him I still know it is, I often dream of rescuing my mother from him, this is what my life has become, I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 15, I thought knowing what the issue was would help but it didnt, not at all.
its ten til 4 where Im at, and Ive got class at 9 tomorrow, but I want to wish you all well, and let you know you've helped an insecure and sad person regain some direction in the world. pretty funny that grounding comes from such a meloncholy discussion, isn't it.
>>707304946 >>707304316 I read about something a few years ago that I thought was really cool. It's that a tornado is a roaring storm of wind that can tear everything in its path to shreds. But at the center, the eye, it's completely calm. I've always looked at that as a metaphor on life. At the middle of every storm, the middle of every argument, negative emotion, there's calm. Just gotta be patient and you'll see it. I know because I've caught glimpses of it for the last 9 years. I've wanted to give up but I know it's there.
>>707304946 It's not your fault, or hers. It's your step father.Try this, let your emotions out all at once. Focus all your fear and hatred into a ball and pick it up. Keep adding your negative emotions into that ball until you can't carry it anymore. Now stop, do you feel it? A hand maybe? It's me letting you know that it's alright, you don't need to carry this burden alone. Now take the ball and throw it away. Let the rest of your positive emotions influence you. I'm here to help you share that burden. Remember that we all love you anon. Let all you your feels out.
>>707305439 I know how you feel. If I did anything wrong my dad would slap me hard enough to give me whiplash. I used to fear him but as I grew bigger he started to loosen up on me. If he's watching something and my mom tries talking to him he'll tell her to shut the fuck up, still talks shit to my sister constantly. When he doesn't get his way he starts throwing fits like a 2 year old. I've been losing my shit over it for awhile now, trying so hard not to say anything to him. He's had 3 heart attacks and 2 infections since 2012 so he's a shell of his former self. If I did anything he'd probably die on the spot.
>>707304021 Yeah I feel you man. I am a comp sci major and im stilltrying to teach myself how to code. I always feel like a total fraud. Some times I am pretty sure I cant be the hero my family wants me to be.
>be me11 yrs old, entering 5th grade >turns out im in a 5/6 split class with 5th and 6th graders >find out my friend evan is in the class >evan is basically my best friend >first day of school, evan says he has 6th grad friends >meet his friends, james and anders >they're really chill, but have a super raunchy sense of humor and play violent video games >anders, evan, james and I all form a group of friends, do school projects, etc together >one day i hang out at anders house. anders and i play call of duty mw2, which just came out >this game is awesome >anders and I talk about all sorts of shit, eventually i ask him about his dad and why he's not at the house
>>707306011 >anders says his dad died of an asthma attack when he was little >apologize for asking, even at 11 i knew how terrible that was >we keep playing, and we move on to play skate 3 >he looks for the disc, messy room so he goes through a lot of crap to find it. >he pulls out a notebook, pages open to show it's full of lewd drawings, journal entries, sad looking drawings >before i ask he says its for school, i wouldn't understand because it's the 6th grade curriculum >whatever, that's cool >mess around with the skate 3 creator, have good laughs >eat pizza for dinner, his mom is really >eventually anders birthday comes around, he has a big party with james and the rest of us. >go all the way downtown to watch new harry potter movie >watch harry potter and the deathly hollows in imax >we ride back to anders house for a sleepover >get back to anders, play airsoft in the park by his house >wear goggles and fake army stuff >cringy but we were kids so whatever >get shitloads of bruises and stuff from it, but don't care >we light off a bunch of firecrackers in the street and have mcdonalds for dinner >stay up late playing skate 3 and battlefield bad company 1 >best night of my life.jpeg >fall asleep and go home the next morning >he goes into middle school next year, don't talk again >see him in middle school >he hangs out with different people i don't know >dresses differently >see him all throughout highschool, he becomes a douchebag who wears jordans and listens to drake and lil wayne >he was my best friend i ever had and he just gave me up >i've never had as much fun as i did with him playing COD and airsoft
>>707306066 Found out recently moms got crohns, sis getting divorced and Im looking at a 4 month jail sentence for some bullshit probation shit I didn't pay off. All while battling chronic alcoholism, ptsd, and depression. Fun tiems man.
>all my teenage years spent doing drugs >becomes my life >my humour, friendships, free time spent smoking and sniffing >quitting to join the navy >losing all my friendships because they revolved around drugs and drug humour etc >waiting for college to end so I can apply after getting a diploma >think about drugs every hour >been 7 weeks >want nothing other than to go back to the warm grasp of substance >refusing to be a slave
>>707306235 Thanks man. I just got over my year-long depression a few months ago so I know things get better, but it's always good to hear it from others too. My brain tends not to believe me when I tell it to myself.
>>707306304 Oh dear, that sounds awful. Good luck anon, you can do it.
>>707299380 i wont have any one left if she goes. >my dad died last year >His long term gf probably sold all his tools >have nothing to remember him by. >my mom is getting old i dont even want to look at her as she looks old af >ignore here ill health as much as possible >no way out with anxiety and socio phobia >been stuck in this hollow cycle for 9 years
>>707306655 It's funny, my grandma went through basically the exact opposite of what my mom is going through - parkinson's that basically completely paralyzed her over time until she wasn't even able to talk. And now this.
Well this is my first comment; I thought I'd share this
>In HS >have only one aunt on mother's side >is also my godmother >love her so much >she has two daughters, my cousins >love them to death >she gets lung cancer >cancer always seemed so far off >didn't face the possibility that she might actually die of it >after a long battle, she died >her husband wasn't the best >my cousins were 4 and 2 years old >death of loved one + bad situation >grief.jpg
>Fast forward to second year of college, ~5 years laters\ >I only see my cousins during the summer (I go to college away from home), once every two weekends >playing with my cousins one day >younger one says something about "murder" >I am not the best at trying to get bad thoughts out of kids' heads >"don't go around saying you'll murder people! You wouldn't like it if someone did it to you, would you?" >keep in mind she was 2 years old when her mom died >"yes... because then I could be with my mom" >my heart breaks
>>707299261 >lived with family until I was 23 >always put them before me >single mom, needs help with bills >have a chance to move out with old friend >we have a blast together >mom makes this apple pie Ill never forget to congratulate me >shes so supportive >never asks for money >a year passes and everything is going great >get a serious girlfriend because I actually have confidence in myself somehow >visit every once in a while, but not as often as I like
>about a year passes >im hanging out at my gf's place just watching a movie >get a call from brother at 10pm >unusual, but whatever >he says, "You might want to come home" >why >"Mom's dead"
>immediately go into shock >cant believe it >I sit in my gf's room rocking for what felt like an eternity >she tells her family, they all come in >everyone is crying and I can't do anything but gather my things
>I go to drive over literally smoke half a pack on the 20 minute drive (hadn't smoked in like 2 years >get to the house and my uncle and grandma are just showing up >waiting for the coroner to arrive >she's still upstairs
>a few hours pass >Im still speechless >still smoking like a chimney >the coroner finally brings her downstairs and gives us a chance to see her >I lose it, Im crying like I never have before >I swear I see her move, a blink or a twitch or something >know deep down that she is really gone
the worst part was it was so unexpected, she had a few health problems but she was taking care of herself, she was doing fine
just a heart attack out of nowhere
For anyone who has a parent that they dont see very often, see them, please for me
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