Okay last thread died.
Get in there.
Also, an anon in last thread said I had BPD. What does it mean ?
I was young and very frustrated with how my life had been going and how little I was able to do to change it. I had lost contact with many of my friends, and needed someone to vent to, so in a moment of humility I called up this faggy obnoxious brat who was always trying to be friends with me. We walked through the forest late at night, talking. I opened up to him and let him know much more than he needed to know.
He tried to relate everything I said to his life in a way that you can imagine only made things worse for me. I was in a dark, dark spot, and here this entitled little brat was making everything about himself. For reasons I won't ever fully be able to explain, my perspective on the worth of a human life was strongly distorted that night. Perhaps it was the infinite expanse of stars above my head reminding me of our utter insignificance as a people, or maybe it was just the obnoxious mouth-breather I was walking next to.
Whatever it was, it was real, and it was picking at me. I realized in the future I would look back and think in this moment I was just being "edgy" and needlessly nihilistic, and the feeling would come to pass. But in the moment I knew it was very, very true that a human life was worthless, and in the moment it was my reality.
We kept walking up a gradual hill for minutes, as I listened to the idiot's monologue in silence. Finally we reached the top of the hill and started walking next to a cliff on its other side. Mildly annoyed at his speech, I threw my weight into the idiot, sending him tumbling backwards off the cliff-side. He didn't scream loudly on the way down. I continued walking through the forest with the indifferent glow of the stars to guide me.
He did die, and I do feel guilt. I have no way to compare it to what the average person would feel but I assume it isn't very much.
It wasn't an inconsequential action. I became a bona fide murder suspect. I cared just as little about my own life as his when I did it. I still don't care very much but I'm vaguely glad to be alive and not in jail.
Google that shit, look at the symptoms. I didn't realize what it was til I was 21. It had been diagnosed as severe anxiety, depression, adhd, and bipolar disorder in the years that I started seeking treatment until I heard about BPD from one of my doctors and did a lot of research.
I enjoy scat. Seriously. I fuck myself with a dildo and shit while i'm fucking myself. It's just super messy and really hot. I don't enjoy things being smooth and clean all the time.
And i also rub my own shit on my ass and cock. Lots of fun.
I think i have a split personality
I've "lost" entire days, sometimes weeks
Up 'till now i don't seem to have done anything too stupid
Once i woke up on top of an hill, lying on the ground next to my motorbike
I'm too scared to seek proper help, though
I had good legal counsel, and when they interrogated me they realized they could never prove my guilt beyond reasonable doubt. I had no real alibi, but I also had a history of disappearing for hours at night. The kicker was that the kid had confided to his mom about being depressed just a few days earlier.
Most people close to the case think I did it. We talked on the phone that night and both disappeared at around the same time.
i was raped as a child. never told my parents. although, with how they reacted with me getting molested about a year afterwards it was probably a good idea i kept it to myself
>i'm also starting to exhibit symptoms of schizophrenia
I'm doing alright and I haven't seen a doctor in years. I just smoke weed and focus on finding what coping mechanism works for you. Do you hear voices? No edgy shit, I'm actually trying to help you.
Well yeah maybe. I have hint. I sleep a lot, I feel sometimes sad for no reason. To be honest i'm scared to go to see a psychologist. Because my family will know and I don't want to because I'll have to talk with them about it and I hate to talk about my pain to others.
Except on /b/ because no one knows who I am and everyone will forget about it.
The lying started off as a paranoid thing I did to try and protect my identity. But then I realised I found talking total shyte to these girls was pretty enjoyable.
"What do you do for a living?"
"I sell horse grooming tools"
Then they ask you shit about your made up profession, and I just keep bullshitting. It's almost like impov I guess
No it really doesn't
I've even stopped drinking
I think it has to do with me being tired... Or dissatisfied with something
It started happening after i had a crash
Initially i could literally remember anything, it would just pop up again later
Then i started being a lot more straightforward than usual
what was his name anonymus friend ? Aren't we your faggit friend on this maymay site ? I mean we create meymey together so you can tell us anonimus friend.
No I don't hear voice. I'm just sad sometimes. Sleep a lot. The problem is I don't know what I have. In my life, i'm pretty good at being normie. Acting tough, saying sarcastic jokes etc. But the truth is, i'm not as confident as I would like to admit. And I hate talking about my feelings with people I know.
Sounds like you just need to figure yourself out. It might not be mental illness at all, just you not knowing what's wrong in your life weighing on your mental well-being. Meds won't help that, just direction and the feeling of purpose. Weed can help, but nothing works 100% of the time. It's not a magical cure-all, I'm just saying what works for me.
You're sad sometimes and you're socially awkward? That's not BPD, just stop being such a pussy. You'd be surprised what you can do if you aren't afraid to do it. I don't think meds (self prescribed or otherwise) will help you.
My life improved markedly after that night, and I started feeling like a real human being with emotions and ambitions again. I enjoyed the level of scrutiny I was put under as a murder suspect and how people rallied to defend me. But I never considered myself a murderer. It was just a dream to me. That night was so blurry, and my head was in such a different place, it was like it wasn't even me who did it. I never felt like I was lying when I denied it.
Right now I'm experiencing another moment of nihilism. I don't feel guilty at all but I do feel responsible. On any other day I'd answer your question differently, but today I feel no remorse. I would do it again.
I wouldn't say socially awkward actually. I don't have problem going to see people, talking etc. It's just that when i'm getting close to people in terms of friendship, I freak out. I really don't feel good about being loved. It frightens me.
Unfortunately I started self-harming to try and handle my emotionaly instability and wound up in hospital after cutting too much. Was diagnosed shortly after. On good meds and in therapy and helped a lot.
When i was 16, me and my family lived next to these mexicans who had a daughter that was about 8.
She often came over to my little sisters house to play and one day, her family and our family went to have dinner together so I was left to watch them.
On that day, she wore some of the tightest and sexiest shorts I've ever seen, they hugged her tight brown body perfectly and turn my dick to diamonds.
I got so horny that when I played games with the girls like tag and hide and seek, I'd often try to cup a feel of her ass and slide my hands across her flesh.
I got so horny for her to the point where I'd fap to her as I looked at her from the window, or if I was really horny, if she was alone I'd quickly pick her up, have my hands on her ass, and give her a firm squeeze and I grinded against her.
It eventually got to the point where she got annoyed and told me she'd tell her parents if I didn't stop, so naturally I agreed and nothing came from that.
Thankfully her and her parents moved, but I loved her ass and she is probably what got me into loli.
I hope I won't have to take med. Actually I hope I don't have disorder. I hope it's just a bad moment in my life.
I'm curious, how self-harming "helped" ? Or at least what made you think it would ?
I use a rubber band to handle negative emotions. When I feel one, I slap the rubber band as hard as I can on my wrist. So I associate negative emotions with pain. Does it work the same with cutting ?
>ive had atleast 6 gay moments in my life full penetration.
So when I was 24 years old I flunked out of college. I was broke and my GF left me for some surfer dude. I was sitting in my apartment and the lights and gas had been shut off. But I still had a credit card from when I was in school and it had a credit limit of $28,000 on it. I turn that line of credit into $158,443,034.00. I did it overnight. There's more but...
When people loves you, they expect thing from you. And I don't want to live up to anyone expectations.
Your failures become their failures because they actually care about you and feel bad for you. I don't like that people care about me. I feel pressure about that.
Also, I feel like I don't give them back the love they deserve/waiting.
Finally, I also happened to love people more that they did love me. It hurts. The opposite hurts too when you have a bit of empathy.
I seem like a normal person. Good job good member of the community. But after my divorce I have lost all love for life. I am about a month away from killing myself. I am gonna do it on my wedding anniversary. 8/9. It is gonna fuck up my kids but I just can't do it anymore. I've tried medicine and therapy is just over for me.
i'm into big girls, and i am ashamed of it.
i like seeing them struggle to go up stairs and get out of bed.
when i say big, i mean 600 pounds or more.
i have never had a girl friend, and i am ashamed of liking girls that size for some reason.
i'm building an "Ark" of sorts its full of source code, operating systems Linux Unix...I figured i's get what I could before the government locks down the internet in a few month's/years
Well, I've heard voices in my head since I was about 12. They freaked me out at first, I didn't know how to tell my grandma (parents died when I was 5). They weren't always the kind that tell you to kill your family, but sometimes they were. Most of the time they were just words that made no sense together just jumbled up. After a few years, they progressed to include mild visual hallucinations. They were jarring at first, but I learned to ignore them.
The main problem I had was never telling anyone. I was afraid of what they would say. Mostly that my family would assume I was dangerous since they're the Christian type that believe in possession. My grandma took it fairly well when I asked to get help from a doctor rather than a church. The doc couldn't do much though, as it's more difficult to treat than it is to diagnose. I found own way to cope, through a creative outlet and moderate marijuana use. I don't drink much, that makes it worse.
The thing that makes it scary is it comes with a general dissociation from what you think is real, and the feeling that you're not the one driving your meat suit.
I hope I answered your question.
When I was in middleschool, this girl I had been friends with for a long time was sleeping over. She sexually assulted me but I didn't stop her. I found out that I wasn't the only girl she had done this to, but I'm still ashamed for it exciting me a little bit even though I really didn't like it all to much.
pretty much. I know it sounds stupid but that's not the kind of thing you could wake up one morning and say : "Ha ! But that's retarded, let's keep going in life" and forget about.
Wasn't aware of all of that. Also discussed of it didn't work out we were still going to be great parents. Anyway not super keen to discuss sorry, just wanted to post a secret and not dwell on it.
Not the person you were talking too before but... Except for the feminist part that is exactly the same as my wife. We have 2 kids cause im an idiot but no way i can leave her she is a shitty mother and courts dont give custody to the father without the mother being a complete wreck
the fact that the book is ruined pisses me off more than it should
I spycammed on my gf's sister and her best friends and still trying to do it when they come over. They don't have a clue ofc and it makes my heart pound everytime I place the cam. They all think I'm that perfect guy for my gf, little do they know...webm related
>sucked some dicks
>robbed some people
>burglary many times
>stabbed a few
>stole from friends
>stole some cars
>stole from almost every job
>stole deposits daily from 2nd to last job
>seen some cheese pizza (long ago, maybe at age of 14) kazaa or lime wire style
>got fucked by dude
>sucked more dicks
>bi and married then divorced
>never told girlfriends
>lied to get divorce without alimony
>stole from more friends
These days, nothing really secret, mostly just vanilla secrets like porn habits
>can self fist
>have dildo collection
Haven't done that in a while
>never been tested otherwise
>never used condom
>lied about being tested many times
Used to cum on my ex's face while she was asleep. She only woke up once but she was pass out drunk so I told her she fell asleep giving me a blowjob. I would shower with her the next morning so she never noticed (or never said anything. I also used to cum inside a different ex without her ever knowing. She was a 23 yo virgin when we met so she knew nothing about sex. Found out later that she was terrible about taking her pill on time and that's why she always warned me not to cum inside her. OOps
Why not save up and travel? Or do something big and risky? Put some excitement in your life before you go, like breaking bad. Do it for yourself and to provide for your kids future education
Or leave all of his money to his kids and kill himself. Everyone should have the right to end their own life. Life isn't for everyone. So long as he takes care of his children in death, there's no shame in it.
travel is what I did. I too felt like there was no reason to live. I lost a lot of weight because I just didn't want to eat. Food didn't even taste good. But then I went and lived in Tijuana for a year. It was so simple. Just walk across the border. No border checks. Just walked through with a suitcase and a few $. Found a place on the beach in Rosarito for a few hundred and spent many days after walking the long white sand on cool mornings. There are many negatives about living there. The people near the beach are mostly eccentric, deportees. The climate is cool. and the food isn't the best. But it is right near the border so an easy day trip to San Diego... and then there are the "attractions" of Tijuana which helped me forget and grow up. I could go on if you are interested.
I wish I was a girl.
I don't want to be a tranny, and even if I could get surgery and perfect tits etc etc and pass etc etc I wouldn't do it. I just wish I'd grown up as a girl. I spend my whole life ruing something I couldn't control.
My dad died two days ago and so just felt relief. Not really 2edgy4me but he was a shitty dad. 4 or 5 nights a week, he came home drunk or drugged up. The rest of the days, we were lucky if he didn't bitch about being sober. Got beat when I was younger too but he stopped when I was older. He cheated on my mom too which was fun. Drove me home drunk several times as well. My mom only stayed with him for financial support, but he only gave her three or four hundred bucks a month. The funny thing is, he begged her for 20, 30, 40 bucks every other day. When she didn't comply, he just took it from her purse when she wasn't looking. Ended up getting evicted twice because the money for rent mysteriously disappeared. Every time he asked for money, he promised that was all he needed, but the cycle continued a day or two later. Sometimes the same day. The same thing with his pills and drinking. He promised to stop but never did. I dunno if my rant really justifies how I feel as his death, or if it just makes me sound edgy, but whatever.
Family isn't the person you happen to share blood with. You can hate him for what he did. Dying won't solve everything. If you're a shitty father, you're a shitty father in the grave
A friend of mine came to me with these feelings when her mother died. Her mom would leave her at rest stops and tell her she was in another state when she was in elementary school, and rip out her eyelashes so she'd never be pretty, among other terrible things. When she died, my friend was crying because she felt guilty since she wasn't sad her mom was dead, despite her being so terrible.
Your feelings are justified, anon. His pain is over, and he won't hurt you again.