ITT: Shitlord Stories; or, Close Encounters of the Tumblr Kind
Here's mine:
>be me
>high school fag: senior edition (& Knuckles)
>due to personal shit, got transferred from high achieving high school to an "alternative" school elsewhere in the district
>read: last stop before prison
>alt read: whites are the minority
>this place's two main selling points are their "state of the art" daycare and their "independent study" program
>apparently I am considered autistic ebough for independent study
>best academic thing that ever happened to me
>literally all I do is come in once a week to my "teacher's" classroom and hand in whatever the essay of the week was
>teacher's standards are rock bottom low due to prolonged exposure to sand people
>Figured out pretty quick I can hand in what I think is absolute crap to my standards and she fucking loves it
>flawless A's
>eventually 4.0 gpa
>in two months I am valefuckingdictorian
>top kek
>fast foward four months
>at this point I don't even open the books, essays are 5+ pgs of sparknotes and bullshit
>I am turning in my 'work' one week and there is a handful of other kids in the room, like always
>notice one kid sitting by himself in a more secluded corner of the room, kinda doodling in his journal or some shit
>looks lonely
>iknowthatfeelbro.jpg
>feel bad for the guy and decide to strike up a conversation
>walk over and realize he is wearing cat ears and a fox tail
>oh fuck it's a furfag abort abort
>too late, furfag noticed he has a visitor
>"hey dude! You're anon, right?"
>yeah...
>"cool! I bet you never even knew I existed!"
>haha...uh...
>"you have dogs, right?"
>...yeah?
>"you'll find this interesting, then! A Labrador's fully erect penis is as large as a human male's."
>he smiles like as if he just commented on how blue the sky was or something
>what the fuck
>why the fuck
>how the fuck
>so many questions
cont.
>I look around to see if anyone else heard this shit
>no one cares, business as usual
>isthisnormalforthiskidor.jpg
>this is the first interaction I have ever had with the guy
>and he is talking about doggy dicks
>goddamn furfags
what the fuck
>month goes by before i talk to any other students
>learned my fucking lesson
>but apparently I didn't learn it well enough
>because the next time i open my mouth I have the pleasure of pissing off a male lesbian
>this was a biological male who dresses like a typical guy and all that shit
>but decided he was a special snowflake and decided he was now a she
>uses female restrooms and demands female pronouns
>but has no plans to ever transition, uses male pronouns on all documents, and for all intents and purposes, looks like a dude
>a retarded dude but a dude nonetheless
>oh yeah and it's a lesbian too because it got carried away with the labelmaker
>i was stupid enough to call it a he
>half male half lesbian full retard lost its shit and started ranting about gender and society and some shit
>lol k whatevar
>my indifference enrages it with some sort of autistic fury, and with this pure tard anger it is compelled to punch the wall
>wasthatnecessary.jpg
>breaks hand and both it and wall suspended under zero tolerance
>classroom is drafty for a few days as we are missing both a wall and a major source of hot air
oh yeah and this is the best one
>counselor pulls me aside one day
>"anon, you're almost done with your classes and you've been doing good, so I want to offer you the chance to enroll as a dual student at (community college) for extra credits."
>okie dokie counselorino
>tell friend who goes to said college
>"lol anon I have to take an acting class for some reason, you could take that one too"
>alright i will
>never had any experience with acting before
>but how hard could it be?
>answer: not very
>like a thespian fag I actually like it
>first time all school year I've given a shit
>start looking for opportunites to practice outside of class
>fellow classmate tells me about a drag show she is organizing with her club and how they are looking for performers
>"anon you should totally be a drag king!! You'll look soooo handsome!!"
>uh...ok?
>I'll try anything once
>it will be the death of me
>between then and the 'performer' meeting said classmate shows her true colors
>called other classmate out for being a 'cis male'
>talked at length about 'cultural appropriation'
>showed everyone her collection of 'healing herbs'
>is actually a tumblrina
>great
>by this point she had been assigned my scene partner so no escaping her autism
>fucking great
>talks incessantly about the fagformer meeting
>I don't want to deal with the drama fallout that would happen if I don't show up
>I still need to work with this retard for half a semester
>so I waste an evening and go to the meeting
>shaved heads and land whales galore
>apparently she had roped three other normie classmates into going as well
>the four of us awkwardly look at each other while the fatties scream about supernatural and shit
>I especially am out of place with decent hair, 125 lbs and normal people clothes
>stick out like a sore thumb
>tumblrinas notice an intruder in their ranks
>some dissent and confusion
cont.
>they forget about me after a few minutes though because it is time for: introductions!!
>chief retard says we are to:
>say our name
>our preferred pronouns
>what ice cream flavor we would be, if we were ice cream
>wtf to the last one but whatever
>I want to just walk out of the meeting now, but get a devious idea
>I stay
>pokerface.jpg
>evenutally my turn
>all faces are smiling at me
>'hi GUYS!'
>some faces frown
>'my name is anon, and I would be...chocolate'
>more faces frown
>apparently I'm not black enough to be chocolate
>lol just wait
>keep quiet
>"...anon. Your pronouns?"
>'oh yeah! I go by female pronouns.'
>triggered.exe
>chief tard gets all in a huff and starts angrily 'explaining' why she and her aren't inherently female
>'I didn't say she and her, did I? I said female. Are you making an assumption about how I identify based on my appearance? How transphoic and erasing'
>no idea if I'm using these 'terms' right, loling too hard
>several autists gasp
>"n-no anon, they meant--"
>they babble incoherently
>chief tard is overcome by autistic rage and throws a ruler at me
>lol what the fuck is that going to do
>I walk up to her/him/it and engage alpha stare mode
>chief tard shrinks back
>with my most deadpan voice
>'I know your tumblr user. Everyone does. It won't be yours for long. Expect us.'
>absolute silence except for one of my nomie classmates snickering
>I turn and leave the room
>walk a few steps then die laughing at the ridiculousness of what I said and what just happened
>phone buzzes
>text from...classmate tumblrina!
>"f*ck u"
>my sides ascend to another realm
>haven't seen her since
Moar?
Is there more?
The suspense is killing me.