ITT: Stories you aren't proud of. >Be me 23 >Not
The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.
ITT: Stories you aren't proud of.
>Be me 23
>Not really a racist
>Down in Houston w/ a rental car b/c reasons.
>Leaving grocery store.
>Black feller is helping this old lady and daughter load groceries in the car.
>Pull up beside them
>Roll down window
>"It's still nice to know some folks still own slaves."
>White lady starts cackling
>Sambo hasn't processed it yet.
>All the sudden see the chimpout in rear view.
>Canned something goes flying.
>Nigger has the aim of Shaq on the free throw line.
>Random rear car window breaks.
>Take right turn at end of aisle.
>See nigger slap old woman and start to kick the shit out of her.
>Younger woman gets involved.
>Slaps the fuck out of her.
>That's the story of how I raised all of our taxes by putting a nigger back on welfare.
>>676406670
>Not really a racist
>really a racist
>a racist
>racist
>>676406670
I have a similar one
>be driving
>see group of young niggers at a bus stop and one small timid looking white kid standing away from them
>idea forms
>drive round in a loop to pass by again
>yell NIGGER CUNTS! out the window as I pass
>see them chimping out in the rear mirror, throwing their caps on the ground etc
>drive by again
>they have the white kid who didn't do anything on the ground and are delivering kicks
>justasplanned.png
>>676407660
kek
>>676408194
nigger
>>676406670
>be me
thats all
I'm typically do psycho shit like that when I go out of town. Got a few more stories. One's pretty good where I fucked with a hobo. In another a prostitute.
Cont?
>>676409381
You fucked a hobo in a prostitute?
>>676409381
Continue.
I like to imagine you're lying like lots of us do on here. Makes it a funny story. If that shit is true you are a real horses ass.
>>676409381
yes please
>>676406670
Me and a few friends used to go around the surrounding nig-infested cities and play this game called nigger spoon. You'd throw a spoon at a nigger, and if you missed you had to go pick it back up
>we made sure we never missed
>>676410072
We play a game like that called nigger shoots, same idea but more fun
Alright one sec
>>676410072
Wow, you really fucked that one up anon. The game is:
>yell nigger and throw spoon (tennis ball originally)
>if you miss you have to go get the spoon/ball
>>676410072
>>676411006
awful but funny
>>676410419
this shit is murder
>Piss wasted
>Pull up at convenience store with m8
>Get out to go inside
>Hobo asks for change
>tell him to piss off
>Get bright idea
>After checkout ask where the bathroom is
>Chug like half a 40oz and piss it back full
>On way out I apologize for being a dick
>Hand hobo bro the 40
>Friend says that was pretty cool of me
>Screaming begins as we are pulling out
>The bum downed like a fourth of it before he realized
>Drive nigga drive!
>>676411006
>arguing the rules of nigger spoon.
Thanks /b/
Fucking bump
Alright the hooker one kind of sucks.
>Leaving a grocery store like in the first.
>Have some bacon in the car
>Pull up to the side.
>Hold up a 20 and say she can have it if she rubs this bacon all over her face.
>She did it.
>Drive off fast w/ my 20
>>676411406
>cute chick eating popcorn
this infuriates me
>>676412485
I think that may be the point
>>676412123
Actually it's a little more complicated and I'm drunk atm.
>She kept trying to get in the car
>I tore the 20 in half and said she could have the other half once she did it.
>I drove off with half a 20
>>676411006
We did yell nigger, I just forgot to mention.
We used spoons because they hurt more than a tennis ball would. Whenever we decided to do it we would go to Walmart and pick up like 10 metal spoons
>be me
>about 2 years ago
>at the local walmart
>looking for cheap microwavable corndogs
>all of a sudden a strong pain comes from my stomach
>ask an employee where the bathroom is
>"oh, it's somewhere near the back of the store"
>thanks anon
>as I'm walking I begin feel a playdoh like substance coming from my asshole
>ohshit.jpg
>mad dash towards the nearest restroom
>run Forrest run.webm
>restrooms are closed because some adshat apparently clogged the toilets
>I began to feel my inner Gasses tremble and release
>freakout harder than jihadi John
>brainstorm til it hits me harder than chris brown
>million shekel idea
>jump over the counter and squat till the cameras couldn't see me
>drop down my pants
>release huge tree log from my anus
>Nagasaki 2.0
>wipe my ass poorly with receipt paper from the register
>I ended up writing a sorry note for the poor man who had to clean it up
>pull up my trousers and begin to casually walk away
>I see the very same employee who told me where the bathroom was
>I tipped him 20$
>"keep up the hard work anon"
>look of relief appears on my face
>mfw never got caught
>Mfw I bought Gta 5 an hour later at that very same walmart
>>676413453
That's not me op btw. Let's get some more true stories.
Keking my sides to oblivion
>be me
>be in middle school
>be at bi-weekly informal social for grade 7-8 kids
>girl I like is there
>see fat kid head banging by himself
>try to impress girl by uppercutting the kid as he bangs down
>kid just looks at me with the saddest "Why would you do that to me?" look
>girl didn't see it
>lucky me
>>676414242
No idea what you mean but this did happen however
This is a message a mate sent me after the night I drank half a litre of vodka.
u were both having fun untill i realised it wasnt fun and u didnt listen to me when i told u both to go home u were walking singing etc falling down on the ground till u coudlnt stand up then u feel asleep for some time both of u i was standing there thingking fuck if pollice comes here im standing here 2 guys on the ground just sleeping in mud and rain looool like u didnt mind haha then ur parent called so i had to explain i was dragging u over the playground to different places to get u away from ur vomit u had it all over u then ur dad came and we dragged u to the road i was waiting for u there and fire truck stopped lol as i was there with a "body" i explained them ur drunk and ur dad is coming so they didnt report anything luckily then ur dad came and picked u up was so difficult to put u in the car. then i came back and [redacted] fcking disappeared i was worried he walked somehwere and fell asleep thoguht of going to police station to track his phone but i was riding around so many places and found him near his house. he lost his keys and glasses so he then came to my house overnight lol thenother day we went back found keys but no glasses at least keys. i found vodka too and hid it lol. if i was drung that night we would all be fucked there sleeping overnight....
We had 2 litres on us.
College. I'm dating a fat chick. Cute fat chick. No stretch marks. Funny as fuck. Plays video games. Swims with me when I workout. Best cook. Helps me with homework. I'm ashamed to take her out in public...I'm pretty good looking, white, skinny...she is a black bbw. Christmas we've been dating almost a year. Wants to meet my family. Lol. No. Dad's a racist. Don't take her. She breaks up with me. Tells me she loves me and knows I'm ashamed. She loves everything but that about me. Dates a friend of mine with him and her asking. I go through dozens of relationships. They marry. I'm a fucking ass hole for not telling my dad to fuck off.
>used to be lazy af NEET
>Pissed in bottles
>threw them behind my fridge and forgot them
> Remember them a year later
>piss turned black and separated into solid chunks and thick liquid, like Italian dressing
> Open bottle
> The stench of Satan's unwashed taint fills my room
> Cap it, go up to attic
> Retrieve old supersoaker
> Fill with rotten piss concentrate
> Weaponized piss
> Hop in car and go into town with gun
Cont
Alright, just though of one from when I was like 8
>Got this deaf kid on the soccer team
>Faggot keeps fucking with me for some reason
>Has cunt mom that always translates his retard speak and hand gibberish for people.
>Near the end of practice
>She's nowhere in sight.
>Nail him in the nuts with my cleats.
>Tardo wailing begins
>Coach comes running up and asks what happened
>The ball caught him in the groin.
>There's my dad gotta go
>Kid never came back to practice and miraculously I never got punished for it.
>One phone call.
>My dad new tardo deluxe had been fucking with me and told her to piss off.
>He even convinces my mom it was an accident.
>Tells me "good job son."
Anyone interested in hearing about the worst shit I ever took when I was homeless? Its pretyped and tl;dr though.
>>676415183
Wow.
You must have some serious wires crossed in your head to love a fat monkey.
>>676407660
Wow, Xanatos lives.
>Xanatos stories
More like this
>>676409381
Proceed
>>676415967
yes.
>>676415222
> Shoot unsuspecting pedestrians
> First they're scared because they think DRIVE BY
> then a brief moment of relief, "oh you kids and your squirt guns"
> Then the smell overwhelms them
> Immediately rip clothing off, throw up, cough, scream
> Drive by ultra giga Nigger
> Blast it with piss
> Scream YOU FUCKING NIGGER!!
> Immediately get stuck at a red light behind another car at intersection
> Magilla gorilla goes full silverback rage mode
> Barreling towards my car, completely immune to my liquid death
> Panic
> Cross the yellow line into oncoming traffic, run the red light, almost get hit
> Bolted straight home
>>676415183
Don't worry /b/ro, there's plenty of bbw's out there for you to choose from.
Don't worry about the ex, go to the next. Your daddy issues are the real problem. Next time he says something you don't like, let him know how you really feel. Don't get butthurt, if you can help it, just joke about how he probably loves black pussy just as much as you.
You'll feel so much better, and not like the pussy fag you are now.
>>676416418
Okay here goes.
This all happened last summer and i pretyped it after it happened.
>be me homeless for about 4 months (why I am is not the point)
>I'm using my tablet while soaking up WiFi at a fast food place in case you're wondering about my internet access
>I have my "home" at the edge of town inside this wooded area next to where an interstate crosses over the busiest road in my town
>it's a very wooded area, and you have to walk through about 40 feet of thick brush to get to my estate
>thing is, it will be very hard for people to figure out I live here; I've been living here for about 3 months without a peep
>yesterday I hear of a local band festival downtown, which is only a 2 hour walk, best of all its free
>so I head there and find one of my friends I went to high school with
>I tell him life isn't so great for me after he asks how I've been
>he buys me a couple beers and cigs at the bar and it's the happiest I've been since I became homeless
>I see him perform in his band, which was surprisingly good, he's talented
>when the shows over he comes to me and we say goodbye and he hands me a twenty
>he says go get yourself a pack of cigs and whatever food you've been craving
>I almost fucking cried
>I buy me some cigs and and use some money to get on the bus
>I go over to the mcdonalds that just hired me the other day
>I've been cravin burgers (you know, cuz I'm American) and I get 50% off since I'm now an employee
>I get some food, chow down, smoke cigs outside, browse /b/ and /g/
>I notice my stomach feels kind of weird. I feel bloated and constipated
>but I dismiss it because I haven't eaten for a few days and I just dumped a bunch of less than reputable comfort food inside of me
>of course I'd feel a little weird and bloated after that, who wouldn't
>little did I know what would occur just hours later
>I walk back to my fortress, smoke one last cig before going to bed
I got a rude German tourist to go hundreds of miles in the wrong direction. He was asking how to get to Leeds Castle, so gave him detailed and accurate directions to Leeds.
Protip: They are at opposite ends of England to each other.
>>676415967
share away. Please.
>>676417420
>sleep only in boxers and sleeveless since its hot (I've gotten used to the mosquitos by now)
>sleeping well for once
>the sound of police sirens suddenly wake me up at approx 2am
>go into 'oh shit' mode but realize its just a cop who happened to pull some one over next to where my crib is
>alert goes down but I stay awake until they leave (protocol)
>but all of a sudden my stomach makes the mating call of a humpback whale
>I need to shit
>fuck I need to shit BAD
>oh god this is a power slam
>but the cop is still there
>more cops come
>that guy pulled over must've had something illegal on him or something
>my only escape is to go the gas station the equivalent to 3 blocks away
>but this dam is about to burst, I can't walk without leaking a little
>all of a sudden I get this terrible urge to shit, worse than anything I've experienced ever before.
>I'm still in my tent and struggle to open it and bring a towel with me
>I realize I'm goin to have to do my business in my own habitat
>I'm clenching so hard once I leave the tent
>I think of my place to shit about 20 feet away
>another urge strikes, and I am debilitated; I can not walk
>so I just clench and hope that my urge goes dormant after a minute
>it doesn't
>my bowels feel a little relentless tonight
>little did I know this then, but I was clenching so hard that I wasn't even breathing for about 2 minutes
>cops are still there
>I become unaware of my surroundings and become extremely disoriented and I'm suddenly nauseated because of the lack of oxygen in my brain
>my hearing goes away
>I have no idea why I'm suddenly so fucked up
>all I can think about is that I have to shit
>I walk the same path I take to leave my wooded area
>I forget the cops are there
>the entrance to my place is blocked by a 4 by 4 ameritech electrical box
>I'm about 20 feet from the cops but they can't see me
>I'm still incredibly disoriented and can't hear
>I take off my boxers and kick them to the side
>I release the kraken
>>676417618
>this liquid shit propels out of me
>but it doesn't feel relieving at all
>it's best compared to vomiting, where you're just standing there, and keep throwing up, feeling absolutely miserable and your abdominal muscles hurt from the heaving
>except this time it's coming out of my ass
>5 minutes pass of this and I think I'm done
>still somehow disoriented, but it's not as bad, I am able to recognize some surroundings and I know where I am now
>nonetheless I collapse on the ground all over my own shit
>so here I am, naked except for a sleeveless shirt, lying in my own shit and piss, completely disoriented while police officers stand 20 feet away from me, blissfully oblivious
>I lie there for a few minutes
>the cops leave
>I try to stand up
>it's incredibly hard to do so, my arms and legs go everywhere, but I somehow pull through and stand up
>my head is killing me
>but that goes away and my hearing comes back
>I realize my towel is still there. Its wrapped up around a bottle of shampoo
>I lather soap all over me and clean myself off with the towel
>I take my soiled shirt off and put my boxers back on
>I realize this is dumbass fucking place for me to be and go back to the tent
>I stand in my boxers and chain smoke three cigarettes to calm myself down
>I remember that at the next exit on the interstate about a mile from me has a shower and a laundromat, all 24 hrs since trucking is a 24/7 job.
>I also can get the shower for free since my father is a trucker and I can just use his codes (i've done this quite a bit)
>I grab my money and my clothes
>I get to the truck stop and all I get is weird looks from people
And I realize
>I just fucking walked down the interstate with only fucking boxers, barefoot, and carrying an armful of clothes, and shit streaks all down my legs
>i don't freak out too much, but I go straight to the bathroom and put on some dirty clothes, to look just a smidge more decent
>>676417855
>I go to the counter to get my shower, and put a load of laundry in
>I take my shower, put some clean clothes on, and leave
>get back to my place and sleep
>I wake up, trying to piece together everything that happened to me
>Jesus what the fuck. I'm so disturbed and almost want to cry, but I don't, because I can't see a reason to because that even tho that shitty thing happened to me, it still could have been a lot, lot worse
>the only thing that can calm me down are cigarettes and I have 10 left and I had planned for the pack to last me at least 5 days
>get to the mcdonalds I work at
>friend from yesterday messages me and says 'hey anon I hope that money served you well and that it went to a good place. If you come back to the same bar tonight there's another beer with your name on it.'
>I sit in mcdonalds and laugh my fucking ass off, message him back and say that I'd love to
>type up this story right after
Thanks for tuning in guys.
>>676417962
Saved
bamp
This was junior school (elementary school for amerifags)
>go to highly religious school
>school trip to Catholic Church like 5 mins away
>mum signs letter to say I can go even though I protested
>go get these fun snaps from shop
>fun snaps jpeg
>we get to church
>start throwing these things everywhere
>priest geezer starts moaning like fuuuck
>school has to leave and head master gets banned from his local church
>oh shit
>get marched back to school
>sit in his office for like 30 mins reading a 10 page book over and over
> parents called in
>get excluded for 3 weeks
>gets home mum crys her stupid cunt heart out
> go to some weird uncle that teaches me the ways
> fed up of his shit
> kill his cat
>I was a real mother fucker
> he finds out
> say I saw neighbours nigger kid do it
> long story short he slaps this coon and goes to prison for like 2 years
> have to go back home
>get kicked out at 12 because I fess up to mum
>allowed back in later
> just in time for meeting with board of governors so I can come back to school
> back in this hell hole
>feel bad about uncle anons cat
>not your average happenings in inner London schools
>>676418479
Cool. This was my place before I got (stole) a tent.
Update: no longer homeless. Saved up for a shit beat up dodge neon from mcdicks job, transferred to the part of Illinois where I grew up, became manager, now have apt. Life gets better I guess u just gotta deal with the shit (joke intended)
>>676419604
I'd be happy to hear the story of how and why you became homeless if you feel like sharing.
>>676419604
>>676419857
Oh and any other homeless stories if you have any.
>>676419604
good to know you've pulled through, anon
