>ITT: WE ALL ARE IN AN OFFICE DOING BUSINESS THINGS
The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.
>ITT: WE ALL ARE IN AN OFFICE DOING BUSINESS THINGS
Johnry from the sub-basement reporting in
We need to get this startup off of the ground
hey i'm juan, the cleaner my amigos
>>676286655
Checked, also the urinals are filled with shit.
Johnry
Mr. Jacobson wants us in the boardroom NOW. I think someone's getting fired.
>>676286904
Watch out steve
Who the fuck took my coffee
Guys we need you all to sign this card for Karen's birthday
Hi, this is Dave from HR. Big Important Company was fail, am work here now. First order of business, all employees must remove clothing and lie on ground silently screaming at the sky.
Sincerely,
Dave from HR
IVAN FROM THE ARMORY REPORTING IN SIR!
>>676285444
has anyone seen my stapler?
- Tod from Accounting
some of you are cool... dont come to work tomorrow
HELLO THIS IS RAKESH FROM TECH SUPPORTING I WILL BE TECH SUPPORTING YOU TODAY WITH YOUR TECH SUPPORT NEEDS
Who want to jack off with me in the bathroom?
>>676285444
WHO TOOK MY FUCKING VALIUM!?!
WAS IT YOU FRANK?! YOU FUCKING NIGGER!
I swear I'll fuck your wife while you watch you fucking cuck
>>676287361
I'll file a report to get a new, need anymore vodka or Kalashnikovs?
I told you bastards before, STOP BREAKING THE CASE FOR THE GODDAMN THERMOSTAT!! I'm tired of fixing the fucking thing.
I think I got a virus.
>>676287283
you got stuck here too davey
- Tod from Accounting
>>676285444
sorry everyone that I'm late I had to finish slashing tods tires
Dave from IT here, let me know if anyone needs their adobe updated
I am now taking over this company. From the basement with the asian children to HR to CEO. I am also renaming this company Big Important Company. Fuck all you fags.
>>676287739
I'M GETTING SO MANY VIRUS ERRORS HELP HELP HELP
>>676287206
If anyone should get fired it's him. Suck a dog fucker.
Im back from lunch, who died?
-Johnry
>>676287556
Hello, Pajeet, uhm, I have this big ass stinky virus and it's telling me about teamviewer
>>676287887
That dirty bastard Chang.
>>676287795
Lol forgot image and ending
Sincerely,
Dave, CEO
>>676287980
One of the Asian kids that was in the old company's basement right?
Know how Jen's been dragging her ass on the project? I heard from Pam that she walked in on her boyfriend...with another man. She's such a wreck.
Found gay porn on Tod's history.
i've been moved to IT
- Tod from IT
>>676287980
Oh shit, he had my stufff. Did anyone find a small plastic baggie with a certain crystal material inside?
Johnry
>>676288153
No, we took care of them years ago before the merger went through. You know, back when those German motherfuckers sold the company?
>>676288191
Really?
Fuck,
Tod has 3 kids man
>>676287993
Well we be il using Asians again in the basement? I need help with my inventory keeping
Sincerely, Ivan
>>676288208
u sneaky bastard
>>676288191
>>676288395
All of them adopted.....
Johnry.
>>676288191
And i also came in your coffee now keep your whore mouth shut
- Tod from IT
Sorry I'm late, I was trying to uncover secrets about our rival company, Nigger and Co.
-Mason Buckleberry, Lawfirm
>>676288395
My sister's husband works with his wife. She's gonna be devastated.
>>676288350
Fuck, then why did I have asian kids? Were those not company owned? Damn I can't go back to Bangkok now.....
Dave, CEO
>>676288395
2, his baby died from choking on my dick
>>676287586
yeah lets jerk each other off its more efficient this way to remind each other that we still have souls
>>676288623
Did you ever get my new hardware?
Johnry
>>676288615
TOD, HOW COULD YOU? YOU HAVE THREE FUCKING KIDS MAN
>>676288191
RECO
>>676288654
No, they were contracted from ChangChong LLC.
>>676288654
I'll talk to Stalin, he can probably get us some new ones from a gulag
Ivan
>>676288634
YOU'RE NOT GONNA SAY SHIT IF YOU LIKE YOUR TONER
- Tod from IT
The copier's broken again. Won't send faxes, only prints two-sided...where the hell is Rakesh?
>>676288521
If the company can legally obtain them, yes. If not, stay away from Bangkok, maybe try Kyoto? Maybe Laos. Yeah Laos. You gotta catch em yourself tho, some pokeballs are in the storage closet
Dave, CEO
>>676288956
FUCK YOU TOD
-Frank from IT
>>676288680
SO IT WAS YOU
- Tod from IT
>>676288956
I phoned my sister back and told her not to tell Jeff what I told her. No promises dude.
>>676287258
The woman who wears tight skirts showing off her panty lines?
>>676286655
Juan, it's your manager. I'm going to need to see a green card before I can give you that raise you've been wanting. At least I think that's what you're asking for, I don't speak Spanish.
I quit. I also got a 1 year severance package. Fuck you all.
Johnry Balbert, former sub-basement dweller.
I walk up to the boss and say "Today's so called "church" with FEW exceptions is a watered down satan led cesspool. Of course the world leader is obamaland, formerly America and formerly a shining beacon, now a dark, festering sewer hole! Pray this prayer sincerely to know your saved:'Jesus, I believe you came to earth, I believe you died on the Cross for my sins. I believe you rose again on the 3rd day and went back to Heaven to prepare a place for Your Children To live with You Forever . Please forgive me of my sins. Clean my heart, white as snow. Come live in my heart, make me a child of the King, a new creature in Christ, in your precious Name I ask this...amen.'
Do these things after praying the Salvation Prayer:
1) Get a King James Version Bible and read it daily, it will feed your spirit and soul, the way you feed your body with food and water. 　
2) Pray to Jesus Everyday. He is your NEW Best Friend and He Wants to Talk with you daily. 　
3) Make sure you find a christian church and get water Baptized, dunked under water, if you have been sprinkle baptized in the past it does NOT count. 　
4) Pray to be filled with the Holy Spirit, "Sanctified". You do this by praying, reading the Bible and living for Jesus. 　
5) take your King James Bible to church. When the preacher speaks, make sure what he says matches your Bible, it not, get up and walk out and find a new church. 　
6) ***VERY IMPORTANT*** Make SURE you REPENT of EVERY SIN you do now, ask Jesus to forgive you with an honest heart and He will.
***If you would like me to pray with you or for you for ANYTHING, please message me and I will add you to my daily prayer list. May God bless you."
Jimmy Johns is here. Who the fuck ordered food without asking me if I wanted anything!?
Hey guys, do you want some snacks from the coffee shop?
>>676286655
Juan shitters clogged, I swear i think it's heather from HR bitch has it out for me, every time i go in she is there
>>676289130
Do you want top or bottom
- Tod from IT
Intercom buzzes-
BTW EVERYONE ... PIZZIA DAY IS CANCELLED
>>676287206
Guys just because of that one time I forgot to turn on the coffee machine isn't reason for you all to be so mean to me.
-Steve
>>676289253
I took one semester of Spanish in college. He also wants Mexican Mothers Day off.
>>676288799
No. I forgot what you wanted
Nice dubs tho
-Mason Buckleberry, Lawfirm
>>676287258
Karen is a fucking tease
Hey, I'm Jeff the new guy! I like ice cream soda pop and talking about my feelings. Anyone want to show me around the office?
>>676289259
Nope, I own your soul, as well as all your assets. Get back to work faggot
Dave, CEO
>>676289297
Vodka?
Ivan
>>676288996
Sir, just to check with you, are you sure you want to go all in with the bathroom surveillance project? I mean I have the equipment, and those Mexican guys you hired to help me are great. Just don't wanna get caught up in any red tape.
Jerry, Maintenance
>>676289431
Fuck you too then
- Tod from IT
>>676287463
... Don't tell Steve not to come.
>>676289539
Shit.
Johnry, kill me
>>676289136
THE FUCK YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT FAGGOT *throws stapler*
>>676289539
I hear Juan is here illegally and i would like to make an informal complaint. He smells of mexican and he needs to go.
-Anonymous
>>676289525
Yeah, over there is the exit
>>676289297
GET ME A CUP FULL OF FEELS, SEARGENT. YOU ARE PROMOTED TO GENERAL OF BIG IMPORTANT COMPANY'S NAVY
Dave, CEO
Hello me is ahmed me come from syria and did not have job but now me works here as cleaner ok? It is Good to meet you all
>>676287597
Da'quan you need to calm down. I got what you're looking for.
Hi guys, I'm the new manager hired from outside the company to replace the relaxed, well-liked previous manager.
Now, I'm gonna try to assert my authority and shake things up to show the boss I'm a go-getter getting him money.
We will no longer offer free coffee, but will install a paid machine in the coffee room.
You will now be required to sign out while on breaks, toilet visits and personal phone calls and then sign back in afterward.
Which can only be done from by the fingerprint scanner by the front office.
If you're caught using our time without having done this, you wont be paid for the last hour, as we have no way of telling how long you haven't been working.
Also, once a week you'll all have to come in an hour early unpaid for my motivational meetings where we will discuss ways to optimise synergy.
Have a good one.
>>676285444
Almost lunch time.
Hey, can someone get the bird out of the oven in the break room?
i'm sleeping under my desk in my cubicle in the basement
you guys think i'm roleplaying that's what actually happens in my life
Hey! Anyone seen Ami?? She hasn't been at her desk for an hour and I'm worried cause she has a learning disability.
-Floor Manager
Thomas Smith
>>676287258
*signs* Tod, meant to say this earlier, but sorry for the aids. Hope you didnt fuck anyone else
- Tod from IT
>>676287735
Hahaha fucking Tod. What an asshole.
I'm greping your emails, rewriting bits here and there, and resending them.
Also siphoning funds to an offshore account but none of you will be able to prove it. Gonna retire as a king in South America when I have enough.
-Simon the sysadmin
>>676289608
The bathroom surveillance project is a go, just make sure the cameras are very big and have a nice big red dot on them when recording
>>676289751
You may use the gassing chamber but ONLY if you remove the jew corpses, and clean up Juan and his mexicanness.
Dave, CEO
>>676289816
fuck that noise, I'm just the Mexican gardener
ALRIGHT WHO THE FUCK SLASHED MY TIRES, WAS IT JOSE OR RAKESH?
>>676287735
>>676290009
MY FUCKING BMW?
- Tod from IT
I lost one of my asians, i need to file for a replacement.
Johnry
Who the hell is using the copy Machine??
>>676287795
Mr.Dave,
I would like to formally request a raise in my daily salaries. I am currently making less than Juan the janitor, and he doesn't even speak English. I am a vital member of Big Important Company, and as in sure you know, my web design is what got us into the running in the first place.
Sincerely,
Charles
>>676289816
Already hacked you'd stupid scanner and increased my own salary and reduced yours dumb faggot.
-Simon the sysadmin
Hi everyone, I'm new here my name is dubscheckem and I would like to say one thing. Although this is work, I encourage all of you to come talk to me about anything, this is a professional setting but that doesn't mean we can't grab a beer after. Also one last thing, ALAHU ACKBAR!!!!!
>>676289942
Ami has been stuck in a closet because a mop "triggered" her "PTSD." Just leave her there, Paul Asshole should be by any minute with the new janitor.
Dave, CEO
>>676290253
IDK who you are buddy, but you're not tod
- Tod from IT
ALRIGHT EVERYONE, STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR COMPUTERS, GET ON YOUR KNEES, HANDS BEHIND HEAD, FINGERS INTERLOCKED!!!! NOW!!!!!!
>>676290431
fucking jose
>>676290253
Sorry sir me wanted clean but knife not good for cleaning
Ahmed
>>676290387
I'm ordering some, it will be awhile for a replacement. Was he an accounting Asian or engineering Asian?
Ivan from the armory
>>676290236
Ah yes, Pablo, isn't it?
Listen, Im going to have to get you to park your van outside the company car park, sorry to say, its just bringing this company's image down.
Comprende? gracias frendo.
>>676290566
Hey, thats a nicely made bomb ya got there
Johnry
Hey, Sam from Human Resources.
You all are going to have to take a test which I made which will judge your work output in the company. I myself will proctor the test.
Have a nice day and don't worry about it. Sure, the scores are sent to the higher ups but it'll be no problem.
Oh, and has anyone seen Pam?
>>676290566
checked and keked a little
Who put my stapler in the jelly again?
Hi
>>676290609
Fuck it, my wife is gonna divorce me after the gay porn anyways
*runs at you with scissors*
Tod from IT
>>676290659
Accounting. Thanks Ivan.
Johnry
>>676290459
Charles, as Juan is currently being baked in our Easy Bake Jew Oven, you have been promoted to dubs checker. You have a raise of $4433.00 per week
Dave, CEO
>>676287739
Do you have a minute? When you updated Adobe it made my internet stop working can you fix it. I need the internet or I can't work.
>>676289490
El dÃa de las madres is a made up holiday. Fire him and let his 24 kids starve...
On second thoight, get his children to work in the basement.
>>676289253
i can give you some quesadillas and tacos instead? My retard son Pedro Alvaro del Santo Sousa de Gracia ate all my papers
>>676290609
No pls no i have wife and kid pls no take me life me just cleaner
Ahmed
Fuck this, lunch hour
>>676291044
Not my basement. Also, checked.
>>676290566
Good fucking lord
Jeff here
I am feeling so important in my first day at the big company. Several of my Co workers showed me how to the copy machine. Making copies through my lunch break was so much fun.
>>676290544
Ah Simon,
My friend who works for Apple says he can get us a great deal on ex-lease Macintosh computers,
So I'm going to need you to go ahead and clear all that linux tech stuff out of the server room by thursday, we've got to Think Different, starting with our IT department.
Thanks, Buddy.
>>676289279
Who the fuck let the missionaries in here? Somebody get the basement wranglers in here.
>>676291197
Would you rather use asians you racist cuntweasel?
Dave, CEO
>>676290989
*stops running with scissors*
Have you tried restarting your computer?
-Tod from IT
>>676285444
Cubicle 69 floor 96 reporting in
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MR DAVE IT HAPPENED AGAIN, SOMEONE TAPED A DILDO TO MY CHAIR AND I SAT ON IT AGAIN. I WOULD LIKE TO REQUEST THAT YOU TAKE A BUMP OF COKE WITH ME AS YOU COME PRY MY IRON CLAD ASS OFF THIS DAMN THING.
With love,
Chad thundercock
For a mere $5000 lll get anyone you want fired by putting cp on their workstation and make it look like they downloaded it from behind seven proxies.
-Simon the sysadmin
>>676291344
Well said sir, and may I say those are some fine doubles.
>>676291344
They are nicer.
Johnry
Hey, Sam from Human Resources here again.
Why are you guys not responding to my emails? I'm pretty sure I said that there was a test today with some pretty explicit precautions about them?
And what is going on with all this ruckus? I should probably fire some people.
Who put CP on the database?!
>>676289525
This door here leads to the baseme- I mean break lounge. Why don't you check it out?
>>676291269
Hi, Jeff. Would you like to be our official copy machine tester? You don't get a raise but you get to yell at people that you're out of ink.
Also, check'd them trips. You get a raise after all
>>676291495
Thank you, sir
>>676291574
Fine, replacing them with asians will take some time, though
Dave, CEO
>>676285444
This is Chris, how may I help you?
>>676291197
For the last time, there is nothing, NOTHING shady going on in the basement. Yes, we in the maintenance department have our shop down there and we have card games after work from time to time. What happened to Hector was an accident. Okay? An accident. He stuck his hand in the boiler. No one forced him to do it. No one knows why he did it. Again...an accident.
Jerry, Maintenance
>>676291759
WHY DONT YOU TAKE A SEAT OVER HERE?!
with love,
Chad Thundercock
>>676291735
lol tf nigger he aint got trips
Fuck this job.
>chucks monitor across the room and leaves.
>>676291476
Simon you accidentally put it in the database, not just the computer
>>676291273
All the upper management just got emails from the board telling them to fire you for such stupid ideas.
You can't win against me. Don't even try.
-Simon the sysadmin
FUCK THIS I'M TIRED OF WORKING HERE FUCK YOU ALL FUCK YOU TOD FROM IT FUCK YOU DAVE AND SPECIALLY FUCK YOU JHONRY I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I BEEN SPRAYIN BODYSPRAY IN YOUR LUNCH FOR THE PAST 2 MONTHS!!
ay ay hol up ahm a rez pec tuh ble nee groe mentlegen, we wuz kangs, yo whitey you got that spreadsheet out??
This is Sam again.
You are all a bunch of shitlords. Check Ahmed's privileged and let him do what he needs, you cis scum. He's a poor man who needs some help.
Also, where is the cake? I heard there was cake somewhere.
>>676291735
Hey Dave, it's me, Emily, the COO. Anything you need done?
>>676287804
Daniel, please don't tell me that you're that autistic.
Run an antivirus scan on your work PC and get back to work queer.
-Josh
>>676290321
You mean the one you got on craigslist? Go back to your desk and play with you little figurines, ass wipe.
Charles, from web design
>>676291735
Thank you sir. And may I say, nice tie.
>>676292018
Good riddance.
Johnry, now chemically addicted to axe body spray
>>676285444
I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!!!!!
>>676290967
Thanks Dave. I'm loving the increase in slav- indentured servants. Would you have one of them run my feet for me at 4:30? It's a free block for me.
Hello, this is Sam from Human Resources.
Due to the huge influx of men in this company we are recruiting more people of the LGBTQ+ genders.
Also, there is a large amount of cis scum who are having their employment terminated.
Have a nice day,
Sam.
>>676285444
who didn't wipe before xeroxing their ass?
now the screen is all streaky and nobody can use it. this is common courtesy you plantation of dicks
This is Dave, CEO. I worked my ass off looking at asian children from 9 to 5, and got promoted to HR. Then the company failed. A new one had arisen, and I took over as CEO. I am disappointed in the amount of sanity this company holds. It's too much. Please lose some of it. I can't hold it anymore
it hurts to to see my lif shatter lie this
its over
Dave, Unemployed
*Gunshot*
Hi, Dave, Deceased here. Screencap someone, the story of Big Important Company must live on
>>676290683
goddammit
>drives away in the Greenables truck
WHOEVER KEEPS KILLING PEOPLE ON THE SIDEWALKS, THE BLOOD IS STAINING THEM, PLEASE STOP
PAUL THE JANITOR
>>676290609
Hahaha oh Ahmed you prankster you
YEA someone get me Joan in accounting, I have a place where i'd like to shove my 5 thousand dollar loafers, I mean C'MOOOOOON, up her ASS! Where's my TPS reports?!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to return some video tapes.
>>676292563
Don't send any to us. We're good. Three middle aged angry guys and some Mexicans. That's all we need.
Jerry, Maintenance
>>676292743
PLEASE DONT DO BUTT STUFF IN THE OFFICE, TAKE HER TO THE DESIGNATED BUTT-STUFF ROOM
PAUL THE JANITOR
Ok guys, Ivan from the armory here.
I just got some new suicide vests and assault rifles in, if you want to shoot up a school check with me BEFORE you take something
PS, Please don't kill each other with them, I get enough shit from Dave already
Hello everyone.
This is coming from the desk of Sam. I have now been made the new CEO due to the lack of diversity and our stockholders clamoring for it.
Firstly, I will give everyone in the company a sex change.
>>676292642
R.I.P. Dave, the best fag of the company.
Johnry, now mourning his loss.
>types loudly
>>676292531
Fuck you *gunshot* and it wasn't axe it was a cheap nameless brand
>>676291981
Hi Simon,
My uncle the CFO told me about those emails, great shenanigan, friendo.
Also, the FedEx truck may have scraped your sports car as it dropped off the first batch of Apple personal computers.
I'd have a word to Suzie in finances and see if we can't reimbursed you some for the inconvenience.
Matt and Pablo should have already started moving those dusty old racks out of the server room by now.
Real keen to set these Apples up and get on optimising synergy for the future.
Cheerio mate.
>>676292951
Congrats, Sam. As I just said to Dave before his tragic passing, let me know if you need anything.
Emily, COO.
>>676292951
I REQUEST THAT YOU SUCK A BAG OF DICKS
PAUL THE JANITOR
>>676292951
I didn't work for 36 years of my life in a plant just to retire and come here to get a sex change. Piss on this job. I'm gone.
Jerry, Maintenance.
>>676292771
Dear Jerry,
This is a notice of termination for being a bigot.
Bye bye,
Queen Samantha of Big Important Company.
Jesus what is that sme-....WHO THE HELL TOOK A SHIT ON MY DESK!!!
>>676292937
did my order of child dozer 9000 infant seeking hollow points come in yet? it said it shipped but those shifty croatians cant be trusted
>>676293030
Ow
Johnry, bleeding on the floor.
>>676293159
Lady, if you were my wife, is knock the snot outta you.
I'm making a fortune off the security footage of all you dumb asses being dumb asses. Keep it up as I'm even closer now to retiring in South America.
-Simon the sysadmin
>>676293170
I AM NO LONGER CLEANING UP SHIT FROM DESKS
PAUL THE JANITOR
>>676293232
I got them, in .50 BMG right?
Some of you guys are cool. Dont come into the office today.
Moving up the corporate ladder! Can't wait to tell my wife, and my mother in law and my seven children about my new position as copy machine tester
Jeff
>>676292931
Sorry for smearing shit on the walls
-Jim
please send more paint and canvas down
-secret bunker painting goblin
>>676293426
What did I say about not killing each other with the new rifles
Ivan
>>676292642
RIP Dave. Btw, we all need to congratulate Charles from web design for becoming the new CEO
h-hi im abdul, are you guys hiring?
Found a bandage, mostly ok. Back to shitposting
Johnry
>>676293120
Yeah I need something. Your panties in my mouth.
-Jim
>>676293303
Serves you right *headshots* see ya in hell mother fucker *shoots himself*
This is from the throne of Queen Samantha the First.
We are now working on our diversity quotas and are finding that everything is well in Big Important Company. Our COO is doing well looking over the business.
Unfortunately, there has been a great many of shitlords that won't check their privilidge. Therefore we are looking to bring in otherkin as well.
Also, Jeff is now being promoted to shitlord supreme. Mock him in the hallways.
Eternally Royal,
Queen Samantha.
>>676293632
I sent the new Asian to you, how is he?
Ivan
>>676293586
no actually Charles was fired.
>>676293625
Hello, Abduhl. You are now our CFO.
>>676293780
He's actually knows what he's doing... he needs to die
>>676293718
Well fuck, night fags. R.I.P. dave
Johnry, signing off
>>676293736
I WILL NOT CLEAN UP THE DEPRESSING LIVES OF OTHERKIN
PAUL THE JANITOR
>>676293706
This is very inappropriate, Jim. If you'll excuse me, I have a meeting to get to.
>>676285444
Best time I ever had drunk was pretending to be a businessman
>Get drunk at some girls house at small party
>We're all naked
>Her dad has a sick home office with a really dope, expensive leather office chair
>Spend like an hour and a half rolling around in it naked, pretending to fire people on his phone and just moving his paperwork and mail around
Hello, it's Chen Wong. I will be your new supervisor starting today.
I'm a vegan.
>>676293582
Someone get on that, his department is literally the only reason we have any money at all
>>676293075
Everyone - Matt and Pablo just killed this asshat with guns from the armory after I showed them doctored videos of him fucking their wives. He's gone now. Let this be a warning.
-Simon the sysadmin
>>676293418
GODDAMN GREASY CROATS I ORDERED THIS IN 20mm
BOSNIA 2 ELECTRIC BOOGALOO WHEN?
Everybody,
Good job on the increase in profits. You've really made this company turn it's self around. No it's time to turn it around again, and I mean REALLY turn it around. This company, Big Important Company is now a bomb manufacturing plant. We have a great new partnership with ISIS that I think can really lead us to world power. Keep up the good work, and tell Pam to come out of the closet and get back to work.
Charles, CEO
>>676293780
Dead. Opened the box, saw dead asian, sent it back in for a refund or exchange.
Johnry
>>676293901
Well don't do anything stupid it will be awhile till I can order some more, he didn't have a warranty
Ivan
>>676289880
Uhh, guys, did anyone take the turkey out?
>>676289816
>won't be paid for an hour
>unpaid meetings
I am calling the department of labor on you.
>>676294071
Hello my name is Reuban: I would like to apply to your company solely because you have an armory and I want to shoot shit. America
>>676293907
This is from The Queen's Desk
For your generosity in looking into the lives of Otherkin you are now our CDO (Chief Diversity Officer) Your task is to help with making sure this workplace Diversity friendly.
Emily, can I get a report of your current Tasks?
>>676293582
I've sent someone down.
Emily, COO
>>676294229
Don't worry about it, that was a proto-time for one of our latest bombs.
Charles, CEO
Simon, please stop posting "Idiot's Guide to Insider Trading" all over the office, I don't like competition
Leonard from Accounting
>>676294229
yeah, but I put a feminist in the microwave
>>676294287
Welcome abourd, Reuben. By the way, your nickname will from now be "Sandwich" and you've been promoted to head of shooting things.
Charles, CEO
>>676294355
Excuse me,
Charles, who hired you?
This is now a monarchy. We have diversity quotas. Ah, better let an underling take care of the work. I'll just sit up here and browse tumblr.
>>676292937
Hey Ivan,
Looks like the armory has come in way over budget this fiscal period.
I'm going to have to have you go ahead and sell off any stock not predicted to be used in the next 6-month period.
I'm also going to ask you to stop parking your armored vehicles in the disabled parking spaces, we've had a few complaints and Id like to nip this in the bud before it has to go to upper management.
'Don't step upon me' ey, pal? have a good one.
>>676294319
Of course. I have a weekly meeting with the Board coming up, I've sent supplies to the painting goblin, and I'm working with HR to help employee reviews coming up next week.
OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
This place is so boring i even forgot what i even do here can anyone give me something to do
Corey -no one knows his ocupattion not even him
>>676294287
That is gay name comrade, from now on you are Sergei. Welcome aboard.
>>676294523
I will not disappoint you sir. America.
>>676294585
Hey is that my cubicle?
-Mason Buckleberry, Lawfirm
>>676294600
Hey Corey, can you bring paint and canvas to the bunker beneath the building? The goblin there ran out. Also pick up any paintings he has completed. Thanks.
Emily, COO.
I REQUEST MY SALARY BE INCREASED FROM 5 PENNIES A DAY AND LIVING SPACE IN THE BROOM CLOSET TO 7 PENNIES A DAY AND LIVING SPACE IN MY OFFICE
PAUL THE JANITOR
>>676294446
Good job, Jeb. I'm really appreciating the enthusiasm you bring to help fight against infidels and feminists. Keep it up, and enjoy the raise buddy.
Charles, CEO
To: Larry, Garry, Harry, Mary
Subject: Some Bullshit
"Somethingsomethingsomething
Please advise"
Tyrone, could you pass me your sexually arousing penis shaft? thanks.
>>676294682
Was.
There goes the Jones Report.
>>676293333
It's you fucking job Paul, I mean *gag*...I HAVE A PAPER ON RARE PEPES AND CANCER DUE AT THREE!!!!
Jesus...*barfs* its green.....WAS IT JERRY.
>>676294577
I was promoted in Dave's will. End I'll have you know I for the diversity quota by being half Martian. And monarchy my ass, this is an Oligarchical company. Pablo, please clean this man's blood from my office.
Charles, CEO
>>676294820
I RAN OUT OF FIRE FIGHTING WATER, DOES ANYONE MIND IF I USE DRINKING WATER?
PAUL THE JANITOR
This is The Queen Shanikkawa (formerly known as Queen Samantha)
I am here to let you all know that I am the company's first trans-racial person! I also now identify as a jalsexual fulnamic motherling.
I require that the company now assign pronouns as following:
xe/xir/xim
ne/nir/nim
thon/thon
le/lee/loo
>>676294577
Get
The
Fuck
Out
GUYS GUYS. MY PET TRAFFIC CONE ESCAPED. I THINK THE ASS GOBLINS OF AUSHVITS GOT HIM. Please help me rescue andy the traffic cone. Once we do. I'll go back to my job of making lost dog signs. Thanks mr boss man. NOW LETS GO SAVE ANDY FROM DANUBE
someone took my lunch from the break room?
>>676294579
Well do me a favor and tell everyone to stop killing the Asians in the basement and stop killing each other with the rifles it's wasting ammo. This company doesn't even have any downers working for it so for now I need to park my tanks there, unless we get a new parking lot.
Ivan from the armory
WHOEVER KEEPS TAKING MY FUCKING PAPER CLIPS BETTER STOP OR I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I WILL GO TO YOUR HOUSE AND KILL YOUR FAMILY!!!!!
>>676294739
Sure miss anything else?
Corey -still doesn't know
Some guys were running around shooting fake guns today, they all are really tired now, i guess. There's a weird smell coming from the microwave, but i managed to make hot pockets anyway there is more sauce on them than i remember. A lot of the copy machines are broken.
Jeff
>>676294743
To: Paul, Stacey
Subject: Salary increase
Listen up Paul we can't all have offices, where would we put Alejandro if we move you? Do you WANT Alejandro to live in the closet again. It's do or die, and clearly Alejandro needs to die.
Respectfully yours,
John.
>>676295051
Samantha, please report to my office ASAP.
Charles, CEO
>>676294523
Hey Charles I got that backdoor chat room set up for you so we can get cheap uranium from some rebel Russian group for those bombs. Of course I'm taking my 15% cut.
-Simon the sysadmin
I got that report on the fourth quarter.
I'm afraid my religion requires that I type in Comic Sans. I hope this is acceptable. I will sue for religious discrimination if it is not
>>676295065
I was delicious.
>>676293333
Im reporting dem quads to HR btw. Fucking Paul, you cleaned one shit OFF MY DESK LAST WEEK. Complain to Jerry not me.
>>676295142
When you're done, talk to HR and see if they have a more permanent position for you.
>>676294071
Simon the trickster,
Great prank pal, I almost believed that was a real assassination attempt, Pablo will be fine, but I think Matt will be having the month off.
Those scallywags.
I billed the IT dept for the damage, hope you don't mind, you guys always seem to come up with a surplus.
The Apple rep will be by soon to talk about re-optimising the network, thanks buddy.
Hello my name is Smittywerben Jagermanjensen. Im here to apply for a management position. I was number 1 all my life and I think make this place number 1 too.
Charles, our CEO, is not only a Currie, but a gay furry. Also a robot. No really, his dick is actually an iPhone, which sorta makes sense.
Mac, Solar Energy Consultant, Philadelphia
>>676295051
The shareholders are getting tired of your shit. Just wanted you to know
>>676295057
Hey guys, we just had a major breakthrough in the department of firefighting, I'm gonna put that sumabitch in a headlock and give him a suplex from the top rope
-Jeb
>>676295260
Ok miss will do
Corey -?
>>676295196
Thank you Simon. And why don't you bump it up to %20? You've been working hard. Also, when you have time please let Queen Samantha know that I will have none of this trans-bullshit in my work place.
Charles, CEO
Guys it's Kelsey's birthday on wednesday. Please sign her card.
I know she's a fucking cunt and we all hope that she will die every day, but seriously just sign the card
>>676295031
Paul,
We've talked about this before. The water tank is for office employees only, and since you sit in a closet in the hall, you aren't technically part of the office staff. We must maintain policy.
-Mgmt
>>676295471
No fuck that. I'm going to rape her with my barbed electric blender dildo.
>>676295471
Can I fuck it?
-Jeb
>>676295244
Cool. Can I add your arm to my sandwich? The wife makes terrible sandwiches
>>676295471
I DONT KNOW HOW TO WRITE
PAUL THE JANITOR
>>676295471
Dear Kelsey, I was that guy that raped you in 4th grade
>>676295434
Mr. Charles,
Regarding the current power struggle over control of the company between you and Samantha, I just want you to know that I am not taking sides, but rather doing my best to keep this company running while you to battle. Let me know if there's anything I can do.
Emily, COO.
>>676295360
Mac is a cover up name for Apple's latest spy, he was trained to make up lies to use against our company. The exterminator will be here soon.
Charles, CEO
>>676295244
Wait till tomorrow.
>>676295595
As long as you fucking write something in it that's good enough
>>676295065
The turkey was supposed to be for all of us. I thought it'd be nice.
>>676295348
Charles there is now a zombie in the office rattling off nonsense. Can you get Ivan to dispose of him with some heavy duty firepower?
-Simon the sysadmin
>>676295639
Can you quietly yell at the pensil. Maybe it will obay you
-Andy the traffic cone
>>676295690
Yeah. For starters, you can shut the fuck up
-Jim
>>676295593
Please do not do it on company property
Cc: watermelon
Watermelon!
Tyrone
>>676295690
Thank you Emily, and that is a lovely dress. Please tell Pablo that there is a colossal amount of fire damage in the basement restroom
Charles, CEO
Hey Guys. Lenny here. First day on the job. Just tell me where you need me.
>>676295718
Dear Kelsey,
I raped this card
Your next
-Jeb
>carrying paint and canvas to the bunker
>opens basement door
Jesus fucking chri-!!
>gets mauled by rats
Corey - ded
>>676285444
Linda check these dubs
>>676295920
I don't think anyone is left in HR. Do that, please.
Emily, COO.
>>676295843
I will do it on company property and you cant stop me. YOU CANT INSAY CANT. I will also make mother dogs eat their puppies in the males restroom.
-Andy the traffic cone
could someone bring a couple of niggers in here to lift heavy things? i'm too much of a white fag. thanks.
>>676295920
Shitters clogged
>>676295844
Tyrone wrote:
Watermelon!
Tyrone
---------------------------------------------------------
While true I don't think we should be discussing sexual topics in the office.
John.
>>676295764
Of course. Thanks for letting me know.
Charles, CEO
>>676295764
Sir my name is Sergei/Sandwich from Armory, I am only new here but it would be an honour to kill zombies for this company
WHO FUCKIN' FARTED
>>676295924
Can you rape me, too? Please?
-Jim
>>676295083
Alright Ivan, Ill have a word with the board about fast-tracking the acquisition of the neighboring orphanage as an extended parking spot.
As for the rifles, is it possible to issue some cheaper small arms for staff use?
Perhaps High-points in .380 for general staff and bb guns for interns?
Let me know how it prices up.
Keep up the hard work, buddy.
>>676295920
Hey Lenny. You look like a woman. You're needed in the kitchen.
>>676295920
Hey uh, Kenny, right? could you do a coffee run for us real quick? A bunch of those soy bullshit things, thanks
>>676295920
Lenny, first thin you need to know. DONT TOUCH MY FUCKING STAPLER OR I WILL SLICE YOUR FUCKING NECK WITH MY LETTER OPENER
>>676295920
Just try to stay out of the fire.
>>676295760
That fire won this round, but I'll be wanting a rematch at Slamzone, and I will take him down for the count /b/rothers. Oohhhh yeahhh, that title will be mine
-Jeb
People are kind of lazy here because those guys are still asleep on the floor. I got really hungry last night. Why don't any of these copy machines work?
Jeff
>>676296066
TAKE THEM OUTSIDE, ZOMBIE REMAINS GIVES PEOPLE MAGGOTS
PAUL THE JANITOR
>>676296066
Yes, I hear that there is one in the office. Thank you, Sandwich.
Charles, CEO
>>676295434
No problem. I've already put cp and child abuse videos on her home computer, doctored her police reports with a history of violence and child abuse and called the authorities. They will be here momentarily to remove her one way or another.
-Simon the sysadmin
>>676296011
I will fucking rape you, and don't bother telling the cops. They approve of my actions
-Jim
