The dumbest people we know, greentext edition
I'll start
some obese girl claiming her ex is hacking her phone
>Her: I need help, my ex is hacking my phone and reading my messages
>Me: That seems highly unlikely, unless he has your password
>Her: No hes an expert hacker, he showed me his VC hacking program before to control peoples computers
>Me: You mean VNC?
>Her: Yeah thats it, he can control peoples computers from his computer
>Me: I can already tell you this guy doesn't know anything about hacking
>Her: Yeah but he is reading my messages and causing problems for me
>Me: Have you tried changing your passwords?
>Her: Yes I changed them twice but he keeps getting in
>Me: The only way in is if he knows your password. He can't 'hack' it, he has to steal it somehow
>Her: Okay like how
>Me: Well if you log in using his computer and you didn't log out, or if he has a keylogger on your computer
>Her: I don't have a computer and I never used his computer
>Me: Look I don't know what to tell you, the only way he can get your messages is if you are giving him your password somehow
>Her: Well I have to give him my password or he gets mad at me
>Me: ಠ_ಠ
>Her: so what can I do to stop him from reading my messages?
It turned out he was trying to catch her cheating. She was banging everyone she knew and telling everyone he was her crazy stalker ex, but as far as he knew they were in a committed relationship. I told her never to ask me for help again.
>be me
>driving my car in winter
>picking up my gf after work
>empty parking lot, it's go time
>spin around the lot, then park and wait for gf
>some dumb kid in a civic wants to show off
>he floors it, spins the car and curbs it, breaking his rear driver side wheel clean off
>gf comes to the car
>"wanna see something funny?"
>drive over to kid on his knees in the snow trying to put his wheel back on
>do a snow donut around dumb kid and speed off
>what a dumb kid
>gf didn't find it particularly funny
>get hired at a new company
>first day orientation
>the secretary is shooting her mouth off about some facebook chain letter
>apparently facebook is about to start charging money, so everyone has to share a certain post or they will be charged
>she goes from person to person telling people like its the most important thing
>I chuckle with my new boss how fucking stupid she is
>"Thats my wife"
>dead stares and ultra long silence
>"my condolences"
>he laughed and didn't fire me
>>767891010
lol that's pretty funny
>>767891226
hahah wow you got lucky there
>girl I know dropped her phone in the sink
>she heard you have to power it off ASAP and put it in rice, and thats exactly what she did
>her phone is water resistant and didn't need the rice treatment
>I told her this while she was cooking the rice
>>767891397
>cooking the rice
you arent supposed to cook the rice KEK
>>767891010
It's you...you're the dumb kid in your story. Don't think for a fuckin second we don't know.
I've blocked out a lot of work-related retardation but let's see if I can remember something..
>be working in a cement factory
>two dumbdumbs using a newly-repaired mudhog to mix cement
>one dumbdumb loading bags and adding water
>second dumbdumb operating the dumper
>I see from a distance when he dumps the whole mixer almost flips over onto himself
>I run over and discover the legs aren't extended
>I shut down the mixer and get H+S to the floor (procedure)
>Have a discussion with H+S and the two dumbdumbs about the near-miss event
>Dumbdumb number one: "is that why the back lifts off the floor whenever we dump?
>>767891880
Do you mean he used one word instead of another implying the same thing?...kek?
>>767892163
what??? kek
>767892057
Another story from the same company
>be working in a 600 volt panel
>i'm not certified yet so this dipshit electrician has to watch me
>he's a dumbshit and the company doesn't trust him but laws etc
>I install a new 600-120 stepdown transformer
>polish idiot electrician tells me its wrong
>motherfucker I know you're certified but theres a reason they want me to do it
>mr bigshot demands we do it his way
>I step aside
>he rewires the transformer so the 600v is connected to the 120v secondary
>I know its going to blow up as soon as he energizes, step back
>He energizes it, it explodes
>polish idiot electrician jumps and screams and curses in polish
>he tells the bosses I sabotaged him
>he was proven wrong but somehow didn't lose his job
>they let me do the electrical work solo and uncertified for years
>so begins an era of him trying to sabotage my work
>>767892038
>implying I would ever drive a civic
>>767892451
typical fuckin jew
>>767892451
a couple more from the same company, i will keep them short and sweet
>IT guy doesnt know IT, he got the job because he knows the owner
>boss wants a second screen but his computer only has one VGA port
>IT guy hands me a USB serial adapter and tells me to install it for boss
>I get in trouble for calling him a retard
>watching two dipshits mix a 4000 pound batch of cement
>dipshit number one only has to put 5% water, mix 5 minutes, then dump
>dipshit number two has a hopper on a forklift, slams into the mixer
>breaks a pneumatic line and the dumper opens
>a goddamn waterfall of cement water covers the entire shop floor
>dipshit number one can't tell 5% from 50%
>>767893610
Moar
>>767893610
a couple more
>watching a guy install a sink in the employee lounge
>puts sink upside down on counter, traces it
>cuts out the hole with a jigsaw while I laugh and say nothing
>he places the sink over the hole, it falls straight through
>"WHAT THE FUCK?? WHO FUCKED WITH MY SINK??"
>i'm dying
>moron took a forklift outside and got it stuck in the snow
>couldn't figure out what to do so he went and got a second forklift
>uses a short chain to try and pull the first forklift out of the snow
>now both forklifts are stuck in the snow
>OP comes to the rescue with a pickup truck and a longer chain
>>767893936
I can't be the only one who has put up with stupid people
>remodeling an office, I just finished running wires
>the dumbfuck who fucked up the sink is installing drywall
>holds a sheet above his head, puts one screw, lets go
>drywall sheet falls and breaks over his head
>he couldn't figure out what went wrong
incidentally the same thing happened the same week to our crew on a job site, only it was 14-inch thick cement slabs and they were on a scaffold. nobody died but one got smooshed really bad
>part of the job involves baking cement blocks in a drive-in oven
>the floor crew fills the oven at the end of the day so it can bake overnight
>open up the shop in the morning
>the entire shop is a thick bluish cloud that chokes you
>open the oven in a panic, hope its not a person or something
>the floor is black and the blocks are all over the fucking place
>the floor crew put all the blocks in the oven on wood pallets
>>767894418
one more
>in the tool department, my guys fix broken tools, green tag, send them on the job sites
>one particular idiot is caught greentagging things without testing
>that shit can get us shut down
>he insists he personally tests everything he puts a green tag on
>his pride etc, he would never etc etc
>I show him the extension cord he fixed, greentagged, and sent out
>two female ends
>explain to me how you fucking tested this
>the most incredible case of denial I have ever seen begins
>>767894741
I forgot I have pictures
>idiot driving a forklift
>has to stack 4000 pound cement bags
>knocks over a bunch of them
>jumps off the forklift, tells me it wasn't him
>i literally watched him do it
>i dont care, just fix the fucking mess
>"ok I will get a ladder"
>>767895033
>get shit on by superiors because the saw I sent to the jobsite doesn't cut good. We always send brand new blades unopened, and the saws are always tested, so I demand they give me the saw for inspection. This is what they gave me
>guy tries to convince me the trailer park boys is a real documentary
>i tried to explain mockumentary style
>he insists its all real
yup
>girl dating my friend
>wants to bang without a rubber
>he is terrified of this because of how insistent she is
>they break up, she has a new boyfriend the same day
>2 months later she announces she is pregnant
>now she is on facebook every day begging for smokes/rides/baby advise
>>767891226
We all have that one person on facebook who shares that retarded post with a hundred thousand comments freaking out about it.
>the XM antenna on your car broadcasts your VIN to the police, so dont subscribe to XM
>>767896082
>check your bananas for red color inside, if you see red inside your bananas its because people are purposely injecting them with HIV
Two come to mind for me
>in college
>rich asian girl
>teacher talking about how something is simple as a lightbulb
>rich asian girl says she just gets someone to put in lightbulb for her
>admits she doesn't know how
>everyone laughs and she does as well
2.
>friends ex-gf is upset cause my bro broke up with her
>dumb as fuck
>she's upset, knows shes kinda dumb but is good person
>kinda feel for her
>"Yeah, like, I may be no Elvis Einstein but at least I'm a good person, you know?"
>Elvis Einstein
>mfw
hardest moment of my life to not stop from laughing in someones face.
>>767896274
Hey, it's Micheal Mandela!
>>767896274
I woulda just laughed
>be at the gas station
>asian woman fills her car up, pays, then goes back to the car
>car wont start, slow crank, obviously battery or starter is toast
>she gets out of the car and tries to pump more gas in
>gas sprays everywhere
>she tries to start the car again
>cranks even slower
>"i think i put too much gas"
>>767896484
Yeah, I wanted to except I wanted to fuck her and I would've felt fucking terrible too. She was actually a good person but dear lord was she dumb lol
>>767896427
Brunel Obama
>>767891010
civics are FWD, wouldnt spin out if he floored it.
>>767890443
>Be me
>Riding on subway
>Get off at my station
>Notice that my backpack and shirt are wet and sticky
>Realize that its from the seat I was sitting in
>Spend 20 minutes bitching to my friend about uncleanly retards who live in my city
>Reach friends house
>Take backpack off and pull frozen apple pie out of it
>Notice box is dripping liquid
>Open box
>Realize the pie started melting
>mfw it was pie shit on my shirt and backpack
>mfw when I realize I made that seat on the subway wet and sticky
>mfw when I realize I'm the retard I was complaining about
>moved out of the forest to the big city
>finally surrounded by intellectuals
>finally going to make something of myself
>first day of college
>sociology class, whatever that is, whatever its part of the program
>i'm the only dude in the class
>cant tell if good thing or bad thing
>10/10 qt3.14 walks in, sits next to me
>starts shooting her mouth off about how her boyfriend beat the shit out of her
>she said she deserved it though because she keeps cheating on him
>more girls join the conversation and I go silent as they cluck away about their stupid fucking problems
>where the fuck am I
>teacher comes in and starts yapping about feminism
>the entire hour is spent blaming men for all of societies problems
>I sit there completely dumbfounded
>WHERE THE FUCK AM I
>drop out of college and open my own business
>>767896717
It would in the snow. Even more so if he worked the handbrake a little.
>winter
>>767892057
>>767892451
>>767893610
>>767893936
>>767894418
>>767894741
>>767895033
>>767895366
This is the funniest fucking thread, thanks tradenons
>>767890443
>log
>>767894418
JESUS CHRIST HAHAHAHA
>>767896717
he was probably using the handbrake. I was in an S60R
>>767896274
>Elvis Einstein
>>767896950
Yeah, i guess youre right if hes playing with the handbrake, but even in the snow a FWD wont spin enough that you wont be able to save it unless youre a total fucking retard.
which i guess is the point of this thread ahaha
>>767893936
Ty anon, I haven't laughed at any thing on 4Chan for years, this has made my day.
>>767897068
>S60R
Nice i love those!
>>767897280
Yeah, I use to do quite the donuts in a 1998 Maxima after it snowed. Depending on the conditions icy/powder its possible to lose control if you're being stupid.
>>767897337
So does my local parts dealer
>>767897900
This isn't a cringe thread... dear lord.
>playing vidya game
>good ttt
>guy has missing textures and can see through walls
>says that I am baddie
>call him out for cheating
>NO ITS PART OF THE GAME x5
>he gets banned
>messages me saying how it was part of the game and I’m such a retard
>tell him to fuck off
>HA GOT YOU SCREENSHOT CHAT
>admins ban the faggot for longer
I have more, gmod is full of fucking retards.
>>767895658
Sometimes ignorance is a bless
>>767897754
>>767897337
speaking of which, i qualify for a dumbshit for owning this car
>boss wants to trade in his car for a newer one, its too unreliable
>has me look it over because I'm a car guy
>needs a bit of work, but is still driveable for ~1 season
>its an S60R, you will get fucked on the tradein
>makes a bet, if the car survives another winter he will give it to me
>next spring, he gives me the car
>car starts going to shit immediately
>5000 dollars in parts later, the car is mostly driveable
>will still take another 4 grand to get it to stage zero, if nothing else breaks
>i have the money but I don't have the time and I'm not giving up on this car no matter what anyone tells me
>i'm a moron
>>767898241
go ahead and save those ones
>>767897900
OP here
thanks for summing it up, i'm about to nod off anyway
fukkin saved
>>767898241
gay as fuck. not even funny faggot.
>>767890443
>be me 17 years old working at toys r us (rip)
>awesome job tbh, pay is meh but it balances out and checks are p nice
>cashiering the fuck out the first summer as a non high school student
>work the game section shit was cash
>finally the Christmas season comes around
>hella new hires
>new hires
>new hires
>new hires
>dang, there’s a lot of new hires that are men I start to notice
>all of a sudden a bombardment of female hires come in
>they literally all battle it out for stupidest people I’ve ever come to contact with
>this particular toys r us was in a really suburban part of town
>rich parents, rich kids
>idiot parents, even more idiotic kids
>these fucking kids won’t stfu and stop talking
>literally there are hella lines and these fucking numbskulls are just standing there gossiping and not giving a fuck
>me, aka electronics section legend is carrying the fucking store to its quota each week.
>these thots just sit there and piss me off
>I remember an occurance where 2 dumb cashier sluts were talking to each other about how they disliked when Asians would check out in their line, meanwhile I was helping an Asian family check out at my line
>”I just can’t understand them with their accents!!”
I’m fucking done, /b/
>>767892163
Are you serious
>>767896752
I keked
>be at festival
>need to piss in the middle of the night
>i know ill piss on friends tent and wake him up
>creep out and start pissing on his tent
>can barley contain laughter
>go back to my tent
>wait wut this isnt my tent
>turn round and realise i pissed on my own tent
>it gets worse
>my tent is open from me getting out
>i just pissed INTO my own tent
>>767898241
>playing shitty role play server
>everyone can’t aim, just killing plebeians
>admins ban guy for hating nazis
>in an army type thing I yell “kill all Jews”
>admin teleports me
>yeah uh good bye your getting banned
>why
>explain to him
>mid explanation another staff member bans me
>get on alt and attempt to get unbanned
>admin tells me “yeah well you like shouldn’t hate nazis or Jews man like even if it was a joke you shouldn’t hate nazis
>kill me
>mfw this was 6 years ago
>mfw I’m still permabanned
>>767898505
dude, just stop. these are fucking stupid.
>>767898602
Fuck off faggot. I can post whatever I want.
>>767898660
They're unfunny. No one gives a fuck about your faggot gaming stories that probably revolve around 8 year old kids.
>>767898799
>>767898477
Checkd & Kekd
>be me
>walking around town
>suddenly some stupid idiot approaches me
>says he needs me to give him money because he lost his wallet
>laugh at this retard for losing his wallet and give him 60 dollars
>see him 2 weeks later
>he says he lost it again
>stupidfuckingdumbdumb.jpg
>can't believe he managed to lose it again and give him some money
>mfw idiots can't take care of their things
>>767891010
>Be you
>Dump gf and replace her with woman that has sense of humor
>>767896752
lol it was you all along.
>>767899505
are you retarded? he was getting free monies from you
kek'd
>be hungover
>have to cut a bunch of metal to size, fuck this
>spill meths while trying to plug in angle grinder
>FUCK grab overall to mop that shit up
>at some point put on overall
>start grinding
>sparks hit meths soaked overall
>burst into flames
I had to strip off to my underwear and run out of the workshop into the street, fucking lost half my eyelashes on one side.
>>767900408
>>767895366
What's wrong with...oh....oooh
Just drive in southern California to see stupid
>>767898364
fookin britfag
>>767900733
Fuck i stared for at least 2 minutes and i couldn't work it out, someone please enlighten me?
>worked in a glass warehouse
>windshields
>loud shithead has to go to 3rd level to pick a piece
>he goes up rolling ladder
>third level is kinda like Home Depot- way up there
>loud faggot pulls piece out
>the vacuum of plastic wrap creates a suction
>next piece of windshield glass flops down onto him
>3rd piece
>4th piece
>load starts falling like dominoes
>weight becomes too much
>loud fuck falls off ladder
>pieces start falling on him
>bam
>bam
>bam
>like 20 pieces in all
>ambulance takes him away
>>767902350
Just give it a minute. Look at which way the arrows are pointing.
>>767902684
FUCK i thought it might be something like that, thanks anon.
>>767902484
>worked in a glass warehouse
I knew from the start this one was going to be good.
>>767902484
>>bam
>>767895790
>smokes
Jesus fucking christ.
>2 years ago
>come over to Mom's for dinner
>bring Mrs Smiths pumpkin pie (frozen)
>put in freezer
>immediately forget about it
>make dinner
>drink beers
>later after everything is cleaned up
>find mom sitting on porch
>eating pumpkin pie
>mom says "this pie is kinda gross, its so runny"
>my head clicks the info together
>she's eating uncooked pumpkin pie
>be working in gas station
>old dude drives into the front glass door
one door is fine the other one has glass all over and is stuck open
>ooga boogas appear
>they walk on the glass to get through the door that's stuck open instead of the door that has no glass
>call him out on it
>"ooga booga guess you're right"
> be in korea
> sitting outsite makeup store waiting for gf to buy stuff
> the ugliest korean girl I've seen while there comes up to me
> she asks: You live in Korea?
> me: No
> her: No I can see you live in Korea
to think i dont know where i live.
heard later it's apparently a religious sect that tries to poach foreigners into joining.
they pretend to know you and then invite you over and shit. Who would ever fall for that crap in the first place...
>>767894741
youre gonna fucking die working around these people anon
riko Yukino
>>767896819
>>drop out of college and open my own business
why did you need college if you had enough money to open a business?
>>767904191
Whoever wrote it has clearly never been to college, its weak b8.
>>767894741
To be fair he could of tested the extension cord using one of the male to male extension cords he made earlier.
