Shall we start a thread of retarded stories you did as a kid?
I'll go.
>be me
>7 or 8
>extremely lazy but was popular when i was younger so i had a kind of not give a fuck attitude
>i was a really annoying kid
>one night need a piss really bad
>like really bad
>get out of bed but before i turn to go to my bathroom i have a great idea
>whip out my pencil dick
>piss literally all over my floor right in front of the radiator
>get back into bed
>next morning
>entire room stinks of piss
>wake my dad up
>say my radiator leaked
>my dad looks at the puddle in disbelief
>gets a radiator mechanic in
>i get away scott free
>mfw
I have a lot more of these stories too if there's interest
>>750807778
Sure
>>750807739
>be me
>early teens
>hop fences into peoples backgardens
>shit in their lawns
>run
>>750807739
I have a similar story.
>Be me
>7 years old I think
>living in two story house, but upstairs toilet broken
>ages to walk to downstairs toilet from my room
>decide to piss on the carpet in my room, but spread it out everywhere so it's only a little bit
>figure because it's only light everywhere, will dry up by morning
>piss a shitload, but so tired I don't really think about it
>Wake up in the morning and try to leave room
>realise that I've drenched the carpet in piss
>Use about 3 toilet paper rolls soaking it up
>still stinks like shit, blame it on cat.
Parents never found out that I literally just pissed all over my room
>>750807739
That's some scoliosis right there.
>15 years of age
>in school toilets
>piss in toilet roll holders in all stalls
>toilet paper completely covered in piss, no dry sheets available
>laugh because some kids probably touched my piss covered toilet paper
>in school
>used to pick up turds and throw them in the air during playtime
>one time one turd hit someone
>many keks
>be me
>maybe 10 years ago
>8 or 9
>tell mum i finished my homework
>i didn't
>checkmate mum
>>750807739
moar, bump
>>750808999
nice trips, turd boy
>be me
>found doll head (the ones you do the hair on)
>used to pretend to be in pornos and cum all over its face
>over time its hair got really matted and parents threw it out
>tfw they didn't know it was covered in dried cum
>>750807739
Right now I work full time at a industrial store with this smoking HOT girl. Only 4"11' and thick as anything. She's a personal trainer, and her ass is out of this world. She constantly wears sports bras and tight leggings and a thong. I crack so many semis in the work place with her just walking around, that I've had to start cranking it off in my workplace bathroom to keep myself from going full chub in the workplace
>Hey anon, you sure go to the bathroom a lot
>...yeah haha
Also a piss story here:
>Be me 9 yo
>At sleepover party of friend
>Really need to piss, but toilet is on other side of house. Don't want to get up
>See empty waterbottle next to friends matress.
>Get out my cock, squirm it in hole
>At first, let piss out slowly, later on full Niagra Falls
>FeelsGoodMan.wav
>Cock gets harder cuz of tight hole
>Feel pressure inside bottle building and piss rising
>Cock pops out, spraying piss all over friends
>Drop full bottle of piss on floor, soaking two matresses
>mfw
OK, OP here. Got another.
>be about 10
>again still really lazy but now im fat and unpopular
>one day about to go to bed
>havent used bathroom yet because like i said im lazy and i probably brushed my teeth for 30 seconds once every 2 days
>need a piss
>see towel hanging on radiator
>literally piss all over the towel
>soak the entire towel with my smelly urine
>some drips on the floor, thats the volume we're talking about
>next day
>get out of bed to take a shower
>when drying off, notice i smell really bad
>remember i pissed all over the towel and am now rehydrating old piss on my body
>wtf
>next evening
>piss on the towel again
>this continued for about 4 months before my mum told me to stop fucking pissing on my towel
>>750807739
>about 4 years old, in kindergarden.
>story time , one of the kids gets to tell a story
>story about the potato king who travelled across the world and ends up sacrificing himself so 2 starving kids could eat
>punch kid who told the story in the face because he didn't tell a story about me
i remember the thing happening but i have no fucking idea what went though my head.
>>750809215
Which is grill in pic?
>>750809387
Monroe
>>750809387
Munroe
Oh yeah this is a good one. OP again
>me
>12 or so
>still fat and unpopular
>brother gets guitar hero 5
>become obsessed with that
>play it as much as possible
>need the toilet while im playing
>decide to take the guitar with me to the toilet so i can practice my skills whilst dropping a log
>take a good 20 mins on the toilet while really loudly spamming the keys to the plastic guitar and dropping fat logs
>wipe my ass and wash my hands, then leave bathroom
>brother walks right in front of me as i exit the room
>'why the fuck do you have the guitar with you'
>'i wanted to practice'
>brother gives me a black eye and never lets me play again
>to this day i cant look at a guitar without 1. needing a shit and 2. wanting to play guitar hero
>be young
>sleepover at friends house
>we put on the porn channel and watch softcore
>they start pillow fighting, I'm sittin on the couch covered with sleeping bag
>fap furiously but undercover
>they never found out
>>750809514
>>750809537
Okay that's what I thought. Did she ever do any pornos with a actually dude?
>>750809350
Do you have the autism?
>>750809682
Nope, she also got a boob job and it kinda ruined the whole thing.
>>750809387
Munchhoe
>>750809705
no, but i was a fucking weird kid.
>>750809742
Fuck. That's one of the reasons she was hot. Does she look good though?
>be me
>young
>used to eat Jaffacakes but imagined I had random pots of goo in my peripheral vision and would 'dunk' them in these pots of goo.
>people used to look at me like I was nuts
>probably am
>>750809350
>this continued for about 4 months before my mum told me to stop fucking pissing on my towel
My sides are in orbit.
>>750809603
Did you cum in your underwear ?
>>750809059
youre the legend
Another story.
>be me
>13-14
>discover porn
>look at some dodgy shit
>one day taking a shit
>always wondered what it would be like, and i just watched some scat
>pick up a pellet of shit and eat it
>never watched scat again
>>750807739
>be me, 8 or 9ish
>at grandparents' house in the country for the summer
>they have a big fucking dog, a bitch
>i poke it with my finger in the vag
>dog's reaction: ???
>couple days later, i stick it with a dried fish in the ass
>dog gets angry af, bites me in both my arms
>fucking blood and fat leaking out of the wound
>grandparents save me from the dog trying to bite my fucking face off
>walk for two weeks with both arms wrapped to my body
>they never found out why the dog attacked me
>dog hates me now, growls on me on sight
>never go to grandparents again
>mfw
>>750809840
Yeah she still looks good but didn't do much porn after the boob job.
Sadly I can't find a decent photo of her new boobs, I thought I had one lying around but apparently not.
>>750810252
Yeah but this was before I could actually ejaculate, so I came but there was no semen.
>>750810568
Yeah she looks pretty hot to be honest. Had to get a new computer and lost all of my Vids of her.
>>750810941
There's a torrent of all her vids knocking around on /r/ or /t/ or whatever it is.
>my cousin asked me to piss in his ass
>i didn't want to be gay, so I said "let me piss in your ass instead
>he said okay
>I pissed in his open ass hole
>he stood up afterward and took a few steps
>and then violently shat out all my piss
>i mean all at once
>then he started crying
>>750811014
Lol I thought me throwing around turds in the playground was weird, you've taken the cake with this one.
>>750811014
top kek
>>750810995
Ahh okay thanks. Do you know if she has any social media?
>be me
>father dearest starts saying "god damn yanks"
>sticks with me for some reason
>visit america
>walk around disney land saying to Americans "GOD DAMN YANKS" at the top of my voice
>>750811255
Her name is: Katerina Rys you can find her stuff, she still does take pics it looks like but no longer pornoish
>>750811014
>>Cousin says "piss in my ass"
>>don't wanna be gay so ask if i can piss in his ass
>>750811014
very fucking good
>>750809237
>Works at industrial store
>Personal trainer
why not
>at camp
>some kid starts running around pissing in the cabin
>everyone is laughing
>cabin leader comes in
>screams at the top of his voice
>mfw I was just about to start peeing off the top of my bunk bed
>be me
>in school
>friend left himself logged in on the PC after school
>go to gayporn.com on his PC
>he gets kicked out of class for looking up porn in a catholic school
>>750810252
Are you not supposed to do this? I still do
>>750811562
you did him a great service
>be me, kid
>go on holiday to country with family
>start masturbating in the mornings (was strange starting the day with a wank, never did it before)
>liked it so did every morning after a swim (so I could get 100% naked).
>Mother talking to the landlord, I'm rolling around on the bed completely naked jacking it hard
>cum
>look down and realise the woman had a clear view of the entire thing
>>750810564
>Dog with a taste for human flesh
>Not shot immediately
I hope you don't like your grandparents much
>be me
>7 years old
>decides to stand on top of the toilet at school
>see a kid taking a piss
>he has a tiny ass dick
>ends up telling on me
>>750811796
continue
>be me in school
>instead of shitting on the toilet I shit on the toilet rims, for fun
that's it
>>750811958
sometimes the floor too
>be me
>age 10
>must have seen a doctor or something, i don't really remember
>diagnosed with HFA
>most retarded thing in my childhood was myself
>>750811958
>be in school
>poop in toilet stall
>on the wall are toiletpaper strips with different names on them
>they're stuck to it with shit
>above them written with sharpie are the words "poop museum"
>my poop was too dry to join it
lol i didnt know this was a semi common thing to do
another piss story
my parents rented a house a couple of years while the owners was out of the country, i was like 7-9 and it had a only 1 toilet on the bottom floor, and i had a upstair bedroom and it was creepy as fuck going down all the way, and i had a small blatter and constantly had to piss just a little bit sometimes alot, ye ye, so i used to spray the carpet on the big room we had computer and pool table and outside my door. also pissed in bottles and threw it out on the apple tree, the leaves in the middle died. :(
Not me but relatable
>Be me, 7 or 8 odd
>Go round to best friend's house like every day
>Knock on the door one, notice some kid's briefs in the bushes next to the door
>Must have pointed them out to his mum when she answered the door
>She said something like "He doesn't want to go sometimes"
>Look closer
>The briefs are full of shit, and later realise have been thrown from his bedroom window above
>wtf.jpg
>>750811014
>>my cousin asked me to piss in his ass>i didn't want to be gay, so I said "let me piss in your ass instead
Hwat
>>750812613
I used to regularly shit myself in school because I liked the sensation of holding in turds but they would eventually just erupt out of me. I was probably that weird kid who smelled of shit all the time.
>>750811599
No, youre not supposed to do that
>>750812777
Dude you just reminded me that in primary school (5 or 6 y.o) We were all getting changed for P.E or something and my friend pulled down his trousers and his underwear was visibly full of shit with a big shit stain in the middle
Didn't say anything, just turned around horrified lol
>>750811521
She only comes into work 3 days a week for book keeping stuff. She does personal training stuff as well because it's not full time. No idea why she works at a hardware store, might be because she grew up in the country
>>750808483
>early teens
![Clapper-Arab-Spring-concerned-bin-Laden[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/tJfemtl.jpg "Clapper-Arab-Spring-concerned-bin-Laden[1].jpg")
>>750812891
Why are you pulling your underwear down after P.E.? That doesn't sound normal.
>me early years
>used to hop around naked pretending I was a frog
>be me
>4th grade
>Noticed some vulgar grafitti in school
>asked mom what is sex
>she didn't want to answer
>Principal comes to class and talks with us
>said something good and was summoned to her office
>tells me I'm a good kid and that I should tell her if i want something
>ask to learn what sex is
>next day she gives me a comedy sex-ed book for kids, and tells me I'm an honest kid.
>abortion and hiv pages still haunt me
>learn about masturbation
>am amazed by my new discovery and regularly share stories with my family of how my dry masturbation feels good and how many times I did it that day
>family isn't pleased by it
>go to my grandparents
>cum for first time
>"mom I just came!"
>showing her my hand with my cum on it
>she isn't very pleased
>tommorow
>"Mom, I did it again!"
>Whenever I came I would feel obliged to share it with my family
>this continued on for a week
Should I continue?
>>750813066
Not him, but probably to take a shower afterwards
>>750809237
Pic
>>750813209
do not continue
>>750813209
wat
>>750813209
cont. you fuck
>>750813209
we've heard quite enough
>>750813066
1. It was before P.E as I stated
2. I said he pulled down his trousers not his underwear
>>750813209
Please continue
>>750813209
GO ON
>>750813402
My mistake
>>750813209
the cringe is killing me
>Be me
>2nd grade
>Learning
>Think about being a ninja
>Using smoke bombs to get out of the lesson and shit
>Get an idea
>Grab two black board erasers
>Teacher was right next to my table when I left, and didn't notice
>Make a loudass, autistic declaration of my act
>Clap erasers together
>Teacher stops me from even taking off
>Mfw I have more stories
>Mfw my autism goes farther
>>750813799
Post more, that was marvelous
>>750809387
Luhn Choe
>>750811014
that is some nice logic
>>750811796
and then?
>>750814057
Nothing happened, nothing was ever said. I presume she seen me going to town and thought best not to bring it up as we were her guests.
She didn't talk to us anymore after that though.
>>750809215
Plot twist: you were 27
>>750810564
>finger in the vag
>whole fucking fish
Holy shit what was your thought process
>>750813209
>>"mom I just came!"
>>showing her my hand with my cum on it
>one time 5th grade
>teacher was talking to me
>somehow bring up the game Myst in the conversation
>begin talking about the game Myst
>explain the story to all 3 games that were made at the time
>in detail with all the puzzles
>whole class was pissed off
>I was following the teacher around
>idk why he never told me to shut up
>>750814144
I used to take my cuddly toys and action figures etc to show and tell in school. I would also make up back stories about them and how they're my friends.
>>750811868
do u expect kids to have a monster cock or what
>be me in 4th grade
>teacher lets me stay inside class with girl classmate during recess because we're sick
>sit together at computers playing Oregon trail
>somehow find some magnets
>put magnet up against computer screen
>ohShit.jpeg
>magical shit happening to computer screen when magnet put up close to it
>both girl and I proceed to distort the fuck out of the computer screen with magnets for entire recess
>computer screen permanently distorted with lines and colors
>teacher come back to class from recess. She pissed. We both start crying
>computers are trashed
And that's how our 4th grade class got 2 brand new computers. Still talk to this teacher about incident when I frequent my hometown.
>>750807739
>be me
>have autistic lil bro that followed me everywhere
>i go downstairs, he follows
>i went upstairs he followed
>pushed him down the stairs as he was crawling up
>"stop following me stay downstairs!"
>he starts rolling down and cries
>hid behind couch
>he was too autistic to talk properly so i got away
>yeet
>>750813209
Part 2:
>summer break ends go back to school
>someone talks about sex
>I join by saying that I masturbate regularly and have a big dick
>was actually just a little bigger than average, but it was big for fourth grade
>Ask me if I ever came
>say I did
>they doubt me
>say that I will show them in class
>sitting in my chair while my male friends waiting expectantly
>be cautious as not to get caught
>no one's looking
>whip my dick out for a few seconds and then pull it back in
>ask friend is it big
>"It is anon"
>mfw they didn't think I would actually do it
>gets know as the kid with the big dick
>everyone picks on me in school
>jokes on them I was too dumb to figure that they were picking on me, and not just having a casual conversation
Cont?
>Be me
>2nd grade, again
>I got a toy gun from the dollar store the weekend before school
>Ohshit.Jpg
>School
>We youngsters are gathered into a mainstage like area before class
>It's my time to shine
>Now, this gun looks absolutely not like a regular gun (Red, and it shoots colorful balls)
>This does not stop the teachers
>They loose. Their. Shit.
>Rush everyone away
>They grab me, rush me away to a separate area
>I was too young at the time to realize I did a school shooting before knowing that was a thing
>Mfw I did Columbine, kiddie edition
>made fun of a disabled girl
>was viciously bullied later on in life
>tfw karma might be real
>>750814773
please do
>be me 13
>have big fake sword
>decide to throw it at the banister
>bricks a the fucking support beam
>panic
>grab gorilla glue and broken pieces of banister
>glue it together
>still hasn't found out
It's been eight years. Only a matter of time now
>>750814813
Topkek
>>750807739
>be me
>be black at a black school
>three months in a white boy comes
>bully the shit outta him for being white
>piss on him, steal his lunch, get him in trouble
>nigga grows up and raps about it in his albums
>finds out hes one of the most sucessful rappers in history
>mfw he owes his carreir to me
>light fires in back garden because fun
>make roasted marshmellows on fire
>decide to burn more shit because fun to watch things burn
>set fire to marshmellow bag
>decide to kick it up in the air on fire because retard.jpeg activated
>it lands on friends shoulder and badly burns his face
>that wasn't even the end of the fire days.
>>750815248
who is he?
![13055555[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/G1jijlY.jpg "13055555[1].jpg")
>>750815248
>>750815317
>>750815248
Nigga spell career
>>750815384
contact him and take some credit, I think its due lol
>>750815405
Nigga i dropped outta that ghetto ass school fuck i cant spell for shit
>>750808483
>Literally (s)hit and run tactic
>>750815553
What do you do for a living?
>be me
>8 years old
>had a thing for taking every phone I could find in home and throwing it outside our fence
>huge bushes growing around fence
>family found them after one of the phones started ringing
Not when I was super young, but younger.
>at a rave
>high as balls on MD and coke
>ask a bunch of nigger drug dealers why they hate the word nigger
>punched in face
>couldn't chew anything properly for 2 weeks
>fin.
>>750812789
Why not?
>>750807739
he knew
>Be me
>1st grade
>Same school as Columbine and Chalk Ninja incidents
>Say I'm actually a werewolf
>I was a pretty big liar in my younger years
>Now, as a kid, I couldn't tell time on a standard clock, and relied on digital clocks
>Tell my werewolf story to a girl who could tell time
>Say I shift at 1pm
>Didn't realize that it was 1pm when we were talking
>Chick points this out
>Autism engages
>Start faking a transformation
>Literally making bone cracking sounds and tossing and turning on the ground
>Stop, she's still there
>Get up and walk away
>Mfw I question why I did these things
>me 12 y/o
>visit as many friends, friends of friends as possible
>steal every cd and dvd disk I could find
I still have all of them, I am 25 atm
>>750814773
Part 3:
>we got rearranged
>i get to sit with a girl I really liked
>phat booty
>get a brilliant idea
>if i show her my dick she will want to fuck
>i mean thats what happens in hentai right?
>class starts
>sit with her
>whip out my junk and start masturbating furiously
>first few minutes nothing, but then
>"ANON!!!!" the girl yelled in a very suprised voice
>everyone turns to me
>everyone sees my junk
>teacher calls out my name in a very dissapointed voice
>got rearranged
>didn't talk to that girl for at least a month
>still go to high school with that girl
>she hates me
Cont?
>be me
>8yo
>early bloomer
>rubbing penis on things feels good
>have cat and dog
>cat sleeps with me
>idea.png
>one night I rub penis on cat
>feelsgoodman.jpg
>eventually find out about sex
>alone at home
>try to fuck cat
>cram penis in ass and trust a few eseconds
>cat screams
>cat bleeds out of ass
>ohshit.jpg
>parents come home
>make up story that dog attacked cat by humping on cat
>dog gets balls cut off week later
>still laugh
>sorry Spike, RIP you pupper...
>>750816157
Oh man you absolute tard lmao
>>750816157
must be nice when you're standing in the shower with your thoughts and reminisce
>>750816204
Show her your dick again
>>750816354
These can't be real lmfao
Here I go
>be me
>be in 6th grade
>Obvious some cunt has a crush on me
>My pencil dick has never touched anything at this point
>School host's dance
>She asks me to dance
>I nut my pants mid way through
>Literally didn't even know what happened, just got a head high for the first time
>Feel warm shit in my crotch area
>think I pissed
>excuse myself to the bathroom
>6th grade Chad comes in to the bathroom after me
>Demands I open the stall
>I open the door
>He fell on the floor
>Everybody do the dino-sour
>>750816204
Please do, I have a very similar story
>>750816354
wat
I sucked pacifiers until I was about 12.
The world and people does not make sense to me to this day.
>>750807739
The third and fourth line are completely irrelevant and unnecessary and only serve to make me like you less
>be young, in year 3(around 7/8 for you fags)
>be in school
>need a shit
>dont go to the bathroom because lazy
>i decide if i shit a little bit then i can just shit the rest later
>so i force a few inches out then close my butthole to chop off the piece of shit(like a cigar clipper)
>successfully have an egg of shit in my pants
>realise it stinks of shit and soon everyone around me will realise i have a shit egg in my pants
>have a plan
>master up the courage to quickly put my hand down my pants and pick up the nugget hide it under the table and safely secure it in some paper
>after that i slyly put it in lunchbox
>forget about it
>go home
>mfw mum asks me why there is shit in a ball of paper inside my fucking lunchbox
i have another if anyone wants cont
>>750807739
>be me about 10
>school has a stationary shop
>wants cool looking eraser but don't want to pay
>the great heist plan intensifies
>during school recess hours I went inside and unlocked a window by kept it closed
>remained in school washroom for hours until everybody left
>climbed inside shop using window
>steal the eraser
>kek
Open up the door, it's real
>Be me
>1st grade
>Teacher's a nice enough lady
>But on the old n' ugly side
>Get into an argument, forgot what it was about
>All I know, is what I did
>I lifted this woman's shirt
>This old, hag of a woman's shirt
>I realized I fucked up as soon as I saw the horrors that lurked underneath
>Try to get myself out of trouble by offering shit a young ass like myself shouldn't be able to offer (a car, a house, etc.)
>Mfw it didn't work
>Be me, age 5 or 6
>Need to piss real bad
>Terrified of going upstairs alone because of monsters or child molesters or something
>Piss my pants instead of going upstairs
The look of disappointment on my mother's face was unbearable.
>believed I would get married and have children like everyone else
>>750817027
>by kept it closed
but*
>>750816991
Please continue, fellow UK fag here your stories are entertaining
>>used to have sleepovers with my best friend at the time
>>he had a double bed
>>jacked off next to him when he was asleep
>>this other time I stayed over
>>they used to have this spicy calendar as reading material in the downstairs toilet
>>had this hot picture in it
>>wanted to wait jerking off to it till i had peace and quiet
>>that night everyone's asleep
>>I sneak out of the room, climb the stairs on the tip of my toes
>>touch the downstairs floor with my foot
>>loud alarm fills the whole house
>>everybody gets up
>>asks me why im down there
>>tell them i like the downstairs toilet more
>>never thought anything off it
damn i used to be a fucking masturbation ninja at his home
>be me
>lived in florida when i was 5 or 6
>have a friend who i'll call AJ
>AJ comes over to my house
>we look at the doorway that doesn't have much of a door, it's just open
>get idea
>spread open legs, and shimmy up the doorway like a superhero
>imspiderman.web
>tell my friend to try it
>he can't even stick is feet on it
>tell him to get off and i'll help him
>try to teach him very simply how to stick his feet
>he tries it and succeeds
>we're both spiderman
>tell him to get off, and he does, so i climb up it myself
>stay up there for a bit until he tells me "i wanna turn!"
>tell him to fuck off
>"BUT I WAN A TURN!" he screeches like a bird
>he slugs me in the stomach
>fall down, slam my body into him
>punch him in the chest, make him fall to the ground
>he's crying and im on the verge of tears
>but i keep hitting
>my dad comes in to break the fight
>we're both put in timeout, and dad questions me
>"did you hit him back? or did you hit him first?"
>reply, "i didn't hit him in the back, i hit him in the front!"
My dad told me this story years ago. Not sure to be proud or dissapointed in myself.
>Be 9 or 10
>Climbing in hedges in front of my house
>Be horny as fuck
>Had stuck something up my ass before
>Ended up putting a dry stick up my ass
>Other end was still attached to hedge
>mfw I fucked a hedge
>It was great
>>750816204
i need a pic of your dick pls
>at aunts house
>used to get really home sick when I stayed around
>come downstairs, watch startrek or similar
>sitting on her lap
>touching something soft scratching at it
>she pulls my hand away
>tfw I groped one of her boobs without realising
>be me at about 10
>in class
>a couple of girls walk up to me and ask if I want to play at their house after school.
>I had already started masturbating at that age
>schools out and we walk to her house
>so theres three of us, one guy(me) and two girls same age as me
>they tell me they had invented a game and they wanted to play
>curious me ask them to show me how it works
>they tell me to get in parents bedroom and on top of bed
>I do as im told
>they lie down on the bed so I am sitting towards them and they are lying away from me
>They tell me to go ahead and pull down their pants (btw i am already very curious to see a girls body irl
>I do as im told.
>DIAMONDS
>we continue this "game" for about 45min
>I am just pulling down pants over and over whilst they watch television
I apologize if this isnt retarded enough
>>750815280
Please tell me more Anon-kun~
>>750810037
Mine too
>>750817340
age?
>>750817482
Well you see I had lent him my shirt and the shirt got ruined, I was actually more upset about the shirt than his face. Take from that what you like.
>>750817451
What?
>Be me
>Just starting to get into matsubating
>Go to New York with family and find some sexy photos on my phone
>Start to get chub
>ohfuck.jpg
>Try to ignore it
>Get into car as chub still haunts me
>unleashthebeast.gif
>Grab blanket in car and decide to jerk it with family inside the car with me
>Finish and pretend that my nose is running and ask for a tissue
>What the fuck is wrong with me
>>750817522
Read it again dumbass
>>750817055
I had the same problem,
>be 8
>have trashcan in my room
>at night, when i had to piss, i pissed in the trashcan
>took a month before the smell got very strong
>the look of dissapointment from my mother
>i still am very quick to go to the bathroom at night
>be me
>be year 6 (britfag)
>unpopular
>little blone twat (leader of the gay brigade) walks up behind me his name is ethan
>ethan walks up behind me and pushes my head and saying fuck you repeatedly
>i tell him to fuck off
>he continues
>i stand up full ninja mode and smack his head into a table
>he falls on to the floor and starts crying
>teacher screams wtf anon
>i run from class and hide in bush
>ethan is taken to nurse
>nurse calls his mum and tells her to take him to hospital
>teachers find me hiding in bush call and call my mum
>go back to school next day (idk why i got no punishment)
>ethan is not in school
>ethan is not in school for the hole week
>2 weeks after the incident he come in sitting in a wheelchair
>mfw i gave someone temporary paralysis
>>750816204
Part 4:
>fast forward two years
>I got a brilliant idea again
>if I molest girls they will want to have sex with me
>get to sit with two different chicks at physics and biology class
>molest each one of them
>they were obviously uncomfortable, but I was dumb and didn't get it
>continue
>eventualy the fat girl from biology tells on me
>her brother gives me death treaths
>her father on the other hand says that I'm a good kid
>everyone againts me
>the from physics class spoke up too
>my parents mad at me
>get summoned to principal's office
>mfw I got out of trouble with a talk
>everyone suddenly acts like it is a normal thing to do
>the boys joke about how they aren't gonna sit next to me because I will molest them
>the girls even forgave me
>wtf but ok, went with it
Cont?
>>750817768
Chill out bro, not every one of us has intense focus on reading 4chan text and copypasta reading skills like you, dont bully the 4chan inexperienced please
>>750817980
>4chan inexperience
>Basic reading
>>750817522
“Be 9 or 10”
>>750817980
let's play spot the newfag.
>>750816204
Your level of autism and ape like logic is amazing. This is why china is the next superpower to be. While we will be checking out our dicks.
reading skills equals 4chan xp
>>750817888
Of course finish the hole story mate
Also trips
>>750818046
I acknowledge your oldfagness master, I'm sure you know every single copypasta and can recall almost every thread on 4chan for the last 10 years, I bow down to you 4chan wizard.
>>750818020
im so proud of you that you can read bro, it must be a huge achievement for you
>>750817708
yeah i asked about it in person 7 years later and she told me it didnt happen, then I remember it was a dream that I somehow made real in my head
>>750818426
I don't think /b/ is the place for you, friend
>>750818426
Your respect to your oldfags are showing. I suspect you to be a great oldfag one day.
>>750818817
Oldfags are just Newfags who gave up.
>>750807739
CAG GGT GCG AAG AAA GTC CGT AGA CGT AAG TTG AGT GCC CCT GAT CGT ACA AGT CGT GCA GGT CCA AAG AAT
>>750818817
i aspire to be as good as you guys are at online fighting one day sensei
>>750818684
you're right man, im just no match to your post reading focus and thread fighting skills, you're too 4chan alpha. i'll retreat now because you're intimidating me.
>>750819010
CAG AAA TGC GTT ACG GTA CGT ACA AGT CGT AGC ATG CCA GGT CCA CGT AAC GGT TTC AAC GCG CCT CGA CGT
>be me, 5 at a 6 year old's birthday party
>vaguely aware of what race means
>example, black people are those folks with brown skin
>child's parents call us in for cake
>oh boy, my chubby little face lights up
>mom of birthday boy says we have a choice of ice cream to go with cake
>'chocolate or vanilla?'
>she gets to me, and for god knows why, I say, 'I'd like nigger on mine,' what I think is a rather droll way of saying chocolate
>the father takes me in the master bedroom and lectures me
>my parents are called to take me home
>I never get my cake and nigger
>probably why I am racist to this day
>>750819047
No I say that cause you're a faggot who is actually trying to come back at us. On /b/ of all places.
One doesn't simply walk in and own the place
When I was 5 I thought I was superman and tried to jump the stair, but I fell and cracked my head open. I remember feeling the blood rush out and I passed out. I was fine the next day.
>>750819047
CAA GTC TTT GGT CCA GTT GGA GGC AAG TTT AAA CGA GTC AAG AAG GTC AAG CGT GCA TGC CGT CCA GTG CGT!
>>750819207
But I'm not challenging your 4chan status or threatening your dominance here bro, relax and wind out, I already showed my respect and acknowledged you guys are too scary, I don't want you guys to hit up my mom on facebook with naked toddler scat pics. Salute
>>750819341
Fuck you old fag, new fag can also decode this!
so he was 17?
>>750816204
Yes
>Be me
>9 years old
>Night time
>mom tells me to get some sleep for school next day
>not tired at all
>get up
>go to kitchen and grab lighter
>go to bathroom
>grab spray
>go to my room
>cover myself under a blanket
>light the lighter
>look at the spray
>"what'll happen if I...?"
>spray the lighter
>blanket catches fire
>dad came running after hearing me scream like a pussy
>steps all over my blanket
>gets mad
>makes me sleep on the floor
>mfw I think I wanted to kill myself
>mfw my mom never allowed me to touch the lighter again
>mfw
>>750817888
Part 5:
>fast forward a year
>got obsessed with my mom
>start groping her in sleep
>start with staring down her shirt, then light presses, later harder presses
>one night press her butt too hard
>she wakes up
>"WTF ARE YOU DOING ANON?!?!?"
>"I am searching for your phone to play video games, now where is it?"
>"I left it in the dining room"
>goes back to sleep
>mfw she bought it
>mfw I got away with this
>got her phone and played video games
>>750807739
>Be me
>9 year old chubby autist faggot
>at a wedding for some relative that I don't know
>decide to carb up and get food
>see chocolate fountain with strawberries and other gud shit
>themothaload.jpg
>go and grab strawberries and plate and slather up with too much chocolate
>plate just 2 strawberries and 3 pounds of liquid chocolate
>go to some lawn chair in the back where wedding was happening
>sit next to dime 10/10 extreme hot
>100% erect
>start eating cause stressed
>she starts a conversation with me
>imapimp.html
>things start going good as I start talking about some random shit like legos
>super nervous
>start leaning on chair because I'm badass
>lose grip
>fall
>plate gets flung right onto her dress
>I start apologizing
>she says something like "Omg anon you got chocolate all over me"
>I say most autistic shit "Only makes you sweeter"
>her boyfriend leans forward from past her and I realize I didn't even see him
>shitshitshitshehasaboyfriendwtf.fck
>lose all hope
>she still covered in chocolate
>starts to cry
>run to front porch because afraid boyfriend would fight
>start bawling on front porch and call mom to leave
>feelsbadman
>be six staying with my grandparents at my countryside
>neighbors daughters comes daily to play with me
>she tells me to play " mother and father "
>niggawhat.jpg ?! too young to accept responsibilities and to have a wife but got with it
>we both get naked and touch each other
>tell other kids about the game
>we all take turns with her
>my grandmother see a bunch of naked kids humping a small girl
>I see granny first and fake death naked
>granny enters in full rage mode and beats the crap out of 4 kids while covering the little girl
>mfw when my mother asks me if someone touched my peepee
>>750812218
did you go to a school full of niggers ?
>be me
>5th grade
>would get migraines, 2 or 3 a week
>go to nurses office
>feeling like I'm going to throw up
>principal is tired of seeing me in the nurse's office
>he tells me I'm faking it
>can't go home, sent back to class
>walking through library because 4th & 5th grade classrooms surround it
>almost back to class, feel the urge to throw up
>rush to toilet
>puke
>realize I should've puked on the library carpete
>get detention for taking too long to get back to class
>>750817451
How do you pull down pants for 45 minutes?
Arent's the girls gonna run out of fucking pants???
>>750815248
>carreir
ok bud
>be me year 7 (11 year old)
>waiting outside classroom in tight corridor.
>see fav teacher walking towards me, extend out my fist and say "safe sirrrrrr"
>another teacher comes out a room opposite, hands full of papers and books up to his chest
>slug him in the arm and make him drop the pile (wimpy kinda old teacher)
>look in horror at fav teacher as he just says "see me at lunchtime"
>mfw
>>750819765
That's how it ends? Boring
>>750821584
give him some rest bro, not every one of us knows the dictionary by heart and practices grammar 25 hours a day like you do, dont expect everyone to be a professional online typer like you.
>>750807739
>be me 15
>cross country god
>could run a 5k in 24-25 minutes consistently
>waiting at park where a meet is gonna happen in about an hour
>tell one of my friends on the team that i can jump high as fuck
>i actually can but he doesnt believe me
>"fucking bet dumb ass dude i'll jump on anything"
>he tells me to jump on top of a bench
>top of the bench is about 3 feet up
>ezpz i do this shit all the time
>prepare my body for the jump
>blastoff.jpeg
>as soon as my feet hit the top of the bench the bench fucking flips over
>actually fucking flips
>bang the shit out of my right leg and bounce my chest off the bottom of the bench
>leg bloody and hurts like fuck
>hurts to breathe
>have to walk by myself back to the pavilion where all our shit is
>coaches aren't there yet
>go to the bathroom and clean it up and run a little bit to make it hurt less
>doesnt really work
>dont want to back out of the race its jv championships
>run and get my best time despite injury
>end up pulling a hamstring near the end of the race
>cant run for weeks
>then my team drops me for not practicing and having bad grades
>miss varsity finals and districts so and i have to wait a year to run on a team again
>mfw
wut
>>750815841
crusty
>>750819207
Fuck me, the cringe is real
>be me on graduation from the 4th grade
>leaving to another city before 5th grade
>talking with my best friend Clark, who is a cubs fan
>we talk about the most outrageous things weve done
>he tells me he ate his own shit
>lolwut.jpg
>says he was on his lawn, and really had to take a shit
>says he looked around to make sure no one was looking
>took a nifty little shit on the lawn he says
>Says when his mom came out later and asked what the hell is that on the lawn
>he says it's chocolate
>mfw he tells me he grabbed some and ate it to convince his mom
>mfw he tells me it tasted like chocolate
Even back then I knew it was bull. Inthink about clark everytime I hear about the cubs and references to coprophagia.
>>750817888
wtf is wrong with you
this is more than being an idiot
are you sure you're not half 'tard or something.
>>750818426
>bro
go back to facebook, Chad.
>used to worry that as I got smarter, my brain would physically grow larger
>scared there wasn't enough room in my head
>stab bicycle pump needle as far as i can in my ear
>deal with pain, push it in deeper
>pump as hard as i can
>searingpain.jpg
>dad walks in
>sees me on floor crying
>make up some bullshit excuse
>lucky i didn't permanently damage my hearing
>>750811014
Ecerpt from the Tails of Scrotum McBoogerballs
>>750819720
topkek
>be me
>6
>have to poop
>decide to squat down and take a shit in the corner
>cover it up with spider man blanket
>flies start gathering
>3 year older brother comes in cause we share a room
>smells it, makes wtf face
>lifts blanket and freaks out
man i was a dumb little kid
>>750822644
fuck how did you find out, I guess I should go back since you exposed me
>>750822457
lol, he's letting me know he owns this place not me and that hes the oldfag here xdd
>>750807739
>be me
>6 y/o
>got really constipated because stepdad would hit me for spending too much time in restroom
>i squeeze out little bits to relieve myself
>smear bits inside his workboots
>smear some on pic related
>get enema
>never cleaned wall up
>stepdad bought new boots because of rancid smell on his feet
the wall probably still has shit on it because apartment mgmt was lazy as fuck
>despite being over 20 years ago
> be me
> be 13
> get on a bus to go to camp
> realize I gotta piss
> waititout.jpg
> we leave
> half way there I'm bout to piss myself
> ask leader when next bathroom
> he says couple of hours
> mfw.png
> piss my pants
> finally arrive to bathroom
> wait in line for my turn
> get in a stall
> pull down pants
> tfw big piss spot on back of my pants
> endmylife.exe
>>750819765
fuck her
>>750821815
oh, it's you: the "bro" dude
why are you so whiny? it's /b/ everyone's a newfag and everyone gets made fun of. get over it.
PS most words can be spelled correctly if you sound them out. I don't read dictionaries, I'm just not an idiot.
>>750823509
I can't help it bro, you just broke me with your imageboard experience and alphaness on here, how do you wanted me to react? xd
>>750808845
THAT WAS YOU
>>750823690
>makes retarded comment
>covers up his mistake by trying to act like an intellectual and sensible human being despite browsing 4chan
kek
>>750815663
rob stores and sling dope
>>750824285
you got me so bad bro, im the one putting the energy trying so hard here, have a cookie xd
>>750822997
>>got really constipated because stepdad would hit me for spending too much time in restroom
What?
I mean how long did you take, damn
>>750824469
mate I do not think your getting the point; acting sarcastic doesn't make you right
>>750824777
nice trips
>>750824777
well since you won this internet fight and proved yourself to be the thread alpha, shouldnt you be more happy and relaxed? you dont have to put so much effort bro, you're the winner! kek
>>750821882
>5k in 24-25 minutes
>cross country god
Pick one
>>750824777
I think he's clowning you tbh, but thats just my opinion, feel free to ignore it
>visiting a friend
>drinking and smoking DUDEWEED
>his cat wanders around, very interested in people
>this is weird, cat usually hates every single living thing besides itself
>he tells me cat is in heat
>bob_barker.png
>get sufficiently wasted
>summon cat to sit on my lap
>rub the cats girl bits, she is mewing and making the cat equivalent of orgasmic moaning
>realize what im doing, friend sees what im doing
>am now regarded as a weird cat fucker by him and his roommate
this was last month, will the shame of molesting a cat go away?
>>750823853
this could be a lot of people anon
>>750825141
thank you for adding to the thread!
>>750818093
underage b& faggot
>>750825138
yeah im picking up what your throwing down, i was about to abandon this thread anyways. i try to not get myself in internet arguments but when someone is being a complete autist im always up to throw a couple jabs
>>750807739
>be me, age 5
>see an old movie in black and white
>think the world actually used to be in black and white until age 10
i was in my elementary school's gifted program.
>>750810386
why tho
>>750825354
let his be a lesson to you bro: dont throw stones if you live in a glass house ;)
>>750817753
I did the same thing except it was in my grandparents car... Good thing they're both super dead now. No witnesses.
>>750816627
I had pacifiers way too long and it actually fucked my teeth up. My dentist told my parents I needed to stop with them so I hid them and sucked on them when no one was around like an alcoholic.
>>750815629
top kik
>be me 14 or so.
> waiting for outside geography room before class with 2 friends we'll call R and D.
>D pushes door shut because he's a fuckin rebel
>am rebel too I say 'that's not how you slam a door' and proceed to open then slam the door with all my autistic might.
>teachers assistant asked who slammed door but R and D keep quiet because ain't no snitch.
>she tells us to wait in the hall
>class starts and I cook up a plan for when she enevitably returns and friends approve
>TA returns and asks who slammed the door
> without a word, I point at R, R points at D and D points and me
>TA shakes head andtells us to go back to class
Well shit I have similar stories...
So first one my parents have me on time out for being too awesome and generally cooler than them. I tell them I need to use the bathroom they say no....so Im like fuck you guys let me teach you a lesson and piss next to the door.
Another time I ran around the backyard naked on all four and promptly took a shit on the lawn
The last involves my sister being a total bitch as always. We were running around the backyard in the sprinklers and I told her if she wouldnt stop being a bitch to me O was going to pee on her... well you can guess what happened.. my parents were pissed... well at least she wasnt alone haha
>>750807739
>be me
>3 years old
>visiting uncle
>we arrive
>dad opens front door
>everyone goes to the living room to greet my uncle
>i stop walking when i hear noises comming from my 19 year old sister's bedroom
>she didn't even close the door properly
>i open door
>she almost jumps and my dad quickly closes the door
Pic related, she would be scarred for life.
>>750827628
this story doesn't make sense faggot
>>750827987
this
>>750807739
>>750826481
>>750825010
>>750823750
>>750823229
>>750822082
>>750822491
>>750827987
You're right, my sister killed herself the day after unlike olivia
>>750827628
liar fuck
>6th grade
>shy kid
>no friends
>parents gone for the week, sustain myself on bakes beans
>in school one day
>small but consistent farts all day
>after lunch sit on a bench inside the school
>gotta fart
>wet one
>didn't notice it at first but a minute later I feel my underwear getting cool and the wetness remains
>start to smell the stench
>panic mode
>rush to the bathroom to wipe myself
>cleaned ass but the clothes have already absorbed the fluids
>do my best to wipe the visible shit stain on the back of my jeans
>take a walk outside shaking my ass as much as I can to let the smell dissipate
>notice other kids looking at me and giggling
>freeze in panic
>run for my life
>the smell seems to have left me
>return to classroom, sit there alone
>the farts are still coming, don't seem to be leaving any matter in the process
>people walk in as class is starting
>"what is this smell? It stinks in here"
>everyone looking at me
>I feel my face book
>grab my jacket and rush out
>football tackle people on their way to the classroom as I'm audibly crying and spreading the chemtrail
>come home and cry
>mark myself as sick for the rest of the week
>swear to never eat beans again
>>750824676
about 10 minutes, my sd was an abusive drunk
pretty sure he got off on hitting me
theres this one time he barged in onme taking a shower and he started hitting me with an elongated wire hanger because only he was allowed to take showers at that time
my mom is a meth addict, still, and allowed this
>be me
>about 13 or so
>been fapping for maybe a year so 2
>always would look stuff up like "13 year old porn, and naked 13 year olds" on google and pornhub
>thinking back on it now dont know why fbi didnt come to my house
>didnt even know child porn was illegal
>>750825141
I've been jamming all kinds of things into my cat's ass and vagina as a kid when she was in heat. Don't worry, I'm sure everyone had the thought at least a couple of times
>>750828164
Greetings Captain Obvious.
>>750828475
It was his shower time
>>750808845
I still do this and im 31.
>>750816157
biggest tard on this thread legit cant stop laughing
>>750815248
I before e except after c
>>750817323
Tried doing this in the stairwell of my house, feet were between studs and went through the drywall. Got beaten by father for breaking wall
>>750817323
Was his name Bryce?
>>750825063
best on my team kys
>>750819535
How? I am unfamiliar with this code
>>750808483
This made me laugh more than it should have.
>>750829139
You're a fucking binch
>>750810564
I got a similar one
>be 13
>have this big ass dog (male)
>am fingering vag to some furry shit
>feel the urge for real flesh
>go to dog
>try to blow him
>he tries to bite my face, put arm in front of me
>mom arrives, say that dog bit me while i tried to put food on his bowl
>she buys it
>still have scars from bite
>be me
>male going into first grade, at a daycare
>New girl comes in for camp about my age
>turns out we both like Pokémon
>We take field trips often and eventually start to rollplay Pokémon
>I always say “hey, stop being legendarys, I am always a cyindaquil.”
>She always won tho because she was cute and I gave her allaby
>Last week of summer.
>Me and girl are at the top of the slide at the playground
>Girl says “Anon, kiss me”
>I say no because I was uncomfortable
>Get outta the slide
>Not just 5 minutes later a group of the stronger, 10 year old comes behind me
>girls grab me by the arms and lift me over their heads because I was light af
>they take me over to a wooden area of the field and pin me by my sleves
>struggleandgiveup.png
>The cute girl comes out behind a dead bush
>OhFuck.gif
>She tells me “Anon, you are going to kiss me weather you like it or not
>All hope is lost
>One of her freinds hands lift up my head, me already given up.
>Suddenly a group of about 5 boys who were around 7 to 10 free me and I run away from the girls.
>Flight mode engaged
>Grab a tricicle and ride it off of the grass back onto the playground
>Realise one of my saviors is my bully
>Don’t care enough to ask why
>Tell boys what happened.
>They form defense squad.
>mfw when I overreacted
>>750833707
if real then fuck off roastie whore. no joke a roastie whore ever makes will be funny
>>750813209
lmfao
>>750808845
Kill yourself and go back to Somalia, in that order.
>be me
>be like 10
>used to pull pants down when I felt like have to poop at home and run to bathroom with pants around ankles
>woke up by poop pains in the middle of night
>It's bad
>pull pants down and run to bathroom
>couldn't hold it
>end up spewing hot diarrhea all down the hallway carpet
>wake mom up
>asks me how this happened while cleaning up stinky shits
>in kindergarten
>We get divided into tables, 1-6 on the first day.
>Each table gets to decide their own names
>We decide to come up with a name with the word Penguin in it, since one of the kids just went to the zoo the day before and he saw a penguin there.
>Another kid thinks we should have "rainbow" in the name.
>He was probably a fag, thinking back on what I knew about him
>We compromise and decide to call ourselves the Six Coloured Penguins, since "rainbow" had been taken by another group
>Tfw you realize that we were the only group who was all white.
>Teacher didn't like this and called us the "colourful" penguins
>Everytime we corrected her.
"It's coloured penguins Ms. M"
>be me
>5-7 yrs old with sister thats not even potty train yet
>piss all over fucking wall, up to the ceiling
>mam wants to know who did this so this someone can avoid part of punishment if commits
>my retarded former self: "Its anonita, my sis mom, its her I saw when she was peeing from her peepee"
>mom not belives me
>no tendees for weeks sadfrog.gif
>>750834259
You're a fag, but you aren't the only fag.
Tell.me this game went on after this event. Even if you have to make it up, I'd love to see a fags vs girls story.
