New Baww thread
continued from >>711639912
come have a good cry with us
ill give you a bump
>>711663938
bump with sad shit. i already spilled my story last thread, so feel free to share
>>711664105
>>711664105
thats a shitty mentality. im glad im not there anymore, dark times
My roommate stopped me from cutting myself again today. She definitely doesn't know that, and I'm not going to tell her. I pulled out a fresh x-acto blade from the drawer and loaded it, and was about to go to town on my legs when she texted me and asked if I wanted to get coffee. I had been more depressed than usual today, and I made the only good decision I've made and decided to go.
We talked a lot. We came back to the apartment, chatted, and stuff. We're both single right now, although she has guys over every so often. It was a little weird at some points, because we were saying a lot of the same things about how it seems a lot of the good people are already taken. For the record, she's 25 and I'm 28. I was with a girl for 6 years before she broke my heart, and she was with a guy for 3 years before he broke her heart. I've been with girls since then, but nothing really serious. Anyway, I've always thought my roommate was cute, but today in particular I really wanted to be with her. After talking for hours, and hearing us share all these similarities we have, it just felt like in my mind that we belonged together in some weird way. I don't think it's going to happen, though. There's no way that it would as long as we are living together, and she's best friends with a girl that I dated for about 5 months, which is how I ended up living with her in the first place.
It's so frustrating. I don't feel that there are many women that I am genuinely attracted to, and she's one of them, but I don't think there's any way that we could end up together. She appreciates a lot of the things that I deal with, like my anxiety, being depressed, difficult family dynamics, and a host of other things. I know that she isn't the only one who can appreciate these things, but she's right here and definitely available. It's not going to happen though.
I'm just so lonely. All I really want is someone to cuddle with me, I don't even care about sex anymore.
>>711663770
>>711652774 (You)
That one was my story.
To expand on that, I ended up dropping out of law school because I was drunk all the time.
Moved to a different part of the country and started working as a laborer for big oil. Got two yrs in to that, was making 88k a year, doing well, but hated the job.
Got blackout drunk every time I was off work. Performed great at work though and was promoted to lead hand before I knew it. I just hated the job. So monotonous. Stayed for the money, made it, and decided fuck this shit I'm giving school another go.
Now I'm doing nanotechnology. Shit's hard since I haven't been in school in a while, but pulling it off. I only think about her maybe once a week? But It's coming to the point that I'd be comfortable dating a new girl.
I'm on the ending end of the healing from a bad relationship. It's encouraging. However, I have a serious problem with alcohol. That's the next obstacle.
I just spent like 30 minutes typing up a reply to a dead thread... pretty much sums up my life
>>711664247
alright so youre that anon my bad. i wish they would put IDs back on /b/
youre still doing better than i am. if im being completely honest with myself i check her twitter way too fucking often, guess im still a bit hooked. what did you get your degree in?
>>711664547
Post it to the new one
>>711664547
in the last baw thread?
>>711664596
Wouldn't make alot of sense out of context
>>711664702
Yeah and fuck you Bob Ross, I've been waiting on the good times since 2007
>>711664456
link videos?
seek help for being a tranny. not even meming, its a mental disorder. a lot of your problems probably stem from that, and a lot of your problems have led you to think youre not in the right body
>>711664852
>>711664746
link me to it ill read it before the thread 404s
fuck me i need to study
>>711664456
That actually sounds like a boatload of problems and a really shitty situation to be in. I'm really sorry for you anon.
I wish I could help but I have no advice to give you, only an ear to listen.
>>711664934
All those posts were me actually
Got two channels, both are fucking garbage at this point
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCp1ds_sRiFWDUArolc_bmdA
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNTSDCOn_P12Gmiv20aTPnw
Did some acting as Jet-Lag (guy with black face paint) in these videos. I don't give a fuck at this point if people know who I am...
I dont know if I'm the best for "tranny" advice. I steer clear of the transgender community. Can't stand most of them. Don't even like th ones I know irl.
>>711664391
As someone who's been alone pretty much his entire life, I think you should tell her how you feel. I know you live together but just ask her how she feels about it and if she rejects you just let it go and move on. Also, why do you cut yourself? I've never really understood it and I've also never been able to harm myself since I've never been fond of pain.
>>711665264
which posts? fuck you /b/ i need IDs let me watch all this shit real quick i dont feel like studying
>>711665264
forgot to link the other video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G118GVIo3AA
>>711665505
whyd you make these videos? just because?
>>711664746
>>711665264
>>711665505
I think this is all the same person. I was talking to you on the other thread, these are all my posts on this one:
>>711664596
>>711665158
I looked at your youtube channels, and while I can't quite watch the videos right now (semi-public place), I do think your logo looks cool. If you designed that, maybe you could look into doing some more art?
bump
is everybody asleep?
>>711666081
I'm still here
>>711665714
Want to be a filmmaker... Just cant seem to finish anything. Wasted most of the year working on that Tales from netherland shit only for the director to fuck around and close the studio...
>>711666081
I'm not, mostly because I haven't taken any sleep aids yet currently watching season 2 of House of Cards while deciding what game I want to play.
>>711663938
>incoming blog post...
Alright I'll bite. I don't feel particularly sad or sorry for myself tonight, but some days you just wake up and really despise yourself.
So I struggle with acne scars and Rosacea. I believe that I was given improper treatment, which lead to the facial scarring. I'd had Rosacea the whole time I was struggling with acne, and my derm tried getting rid of my redness by giving me aggressive peels, which only aggravated the scarring even more.
I went on accutane for my acne and while most of it healed, I still get bumps occasionally because my skin is sensitive from rosacea, so the only thing that helps are rosacea rx gels and creams and doxycycline. It sucks. The bumps are actually comparable to hives. I can only compare the irritated feeling my facial skin feels to that of a mild allergic reaction. The stinging can go from sorta noticeable to unbearable if I'm not careful with my meds/eating habits/activity.
I spend a lot of time thinking about my face. How easily it gets red and aggravated. The scars on my face become even darker shades of red when my face starts to turn.
I'm happier than I used to be because I got laser scar treatments, but they only did so much. I knew it wouldn't get rid of them completely, but I had held out hope that the results(which I won't see the full results till next year) would come along a lot better.
I don't really mind now. I still get attention from girls, both attractive and unattractive. In fact, even when my skin was at its worst, I still got attention from very attractive girls.
The thing that bothers me now is I'm at a crossroads of actually, finally understanding that yes, I can be loved with these scars and redness.i can find love even with all of my faults. I'm not perfect, but neither is anyone else!
But it's just so hard when you spent the last eight years hating your own fucking guts. I know that people can see past my flaws and undermined aesthetic, but why can't I?
Pussy =^.^=
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SayTCWttywU
>>711666124
>>711666171
good, im still in a mood to feel and like having people to talk to as i study
>>711666161
what else have to done to actualize your dream of being a film maker?
>>711666290
Studying what?
>>711664112
this one is great
>>711665414
Cutting is just cathartic. It takes away some of the anxiety, and instead of the shit running through your mind, you start focusing on the pain from the cut instead. It doesn't make sense, but it feels good. It's a way to express the anxiety.
My roommate isn't even the only woman that's been making me feel this way. The other day I was having real awful anxiety. Couldn't handle it anymore, and was honestly thinking of finally killing myself. Wouldn't have been the first time I tried. While I was panicking, a friend of mine texted me. A few friends have been checking in occasionally because I've been dealing with a lot of shit in my life, which I won't go into right now. She texted me, deduced that I was in a bad way, and invited me to come over to her place. Not sure why I went, but it was the only good decision I made that day.
I got there, and she immediately knew how anxious I was. I feel like I should say a bit about her. She's my age, and I've known this girl for several years. We haven't been been close, but we've run in the same group of close knit friends. She has dealt with anxiety as long as I have, but currently she is dealing with it in a healthy manner, weekly visits to a counselor, meds, and all that. I went inside, and I sat down on her couch. We talked for 5 mins, and then she said that we were going on a walk.
We got outside, and she took my arm. I couldn't form words, or really walk much, but she guided me. I was pulled close to her, to where I could feel her whole body against me. That was honestly the best part of the night. I have longed just to feel someone touch me for so long. I nearly cried when my cute lady barber a few weeks ago trimmed my beard and ran her hands across my face a few times. We walked for about and hour. I didn't say much, then started saying more. I didn't want to go back, I wanted so badly to just keep walking so I could stay close to her.
Cont in the next comment
>>711665789
First 3 are me. Not good at art. Noone seems to want to hire me for shit. Most of my professional content is private after I had a meltdown and removed everything
>>711663938
The fuck is this shit
>>711666377
>First 3 are me.
The second set of posts are mine.
>Most of my professional content is private after I had a meltdown and removed everything
Mind if I/we see it? I think it looks good
>>711666516
Honestly it's a fucking task to reset them to be viewed. Anything worthwhile got deleted anyway. I don't handle criticism well
>>711666633
That's unfortunate. Ah well. What are you up to right now?
>>711666633
I'll share Dusty Dave. Have to reshoot it a third time anyway
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZjIF5mheAQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxZDVuz2rsw
First video is me running camera, second one, the victim from the first cut ran the camera and fucked everything up.
These are unfinished cuts so don't expect much
>>711666353
>Cont in the next comment
>in the next comment
>next
>comment
Still waiting anon.
>>711666350
macro and geology right now. two big tests tomorrow. pulling an all nighter, breakfast, maybe gym, then knocking out this geo test. quick nap, study up on macro then finishing that one too since its at night
>>711666254
i have the same scars from accutane. bad acne made me really fucking awakrd last year it fucking sucked, made me socially shit. people dont notice it, but you do, which is all that matters. sorry anon
>>711666353
i dont think ill ever understand cutting. there has to be some other outlet you can take. tell me more about your roommate
>>711666353
We did get back to her house though. I sat back down on her couch, and she said that we could keep talking, or just watch something so I didn't have to dwell on things anymore. I was fine with that, and we watched Netflix for a bit. She told me to stay on her couch tonight, so I wouldn't be alone at home for right now. After another hour she went to bed. That was about it. Next morning I got up, said goodbye, and left for work.
It's really the same shit that happened with my roommate. I mean, yes they are both attractive people to me. Would I want one over the other? Only if one of them actually demonstrated real romantic interest in me. That's not going to happen though. They're just being good friends. I can't let my loneliness and desperation delude me into a false sense of reality. That's really hard though. I need to be with someone. It's not going to fix everything for me right now, but damn would it make a big difference. One night of sharing a bed with someone, and holding each other might make me not want to cut myself again for a while. At least until the desire to be with someone comes back. I can't be a good partner if I'm not mentally well, but I don't feel I'm going to get better until this need is quenched again. The snake is eating itself, and it makes me feel hopeless.
I don't think this would be a problem if I had a vagina. There's countless men who would be willing to do this me if I had a vagina. Because I'm a man though, women just look at me like I'm weird. I want someone to capture me, to come and choose me. I don't have the heart to get hurt anymore, and that means I don't want to put myself out there to risk being hurt. I've been hurt too much to do that to myself anymore.
I'm going to have to accept things as they are for now, and I don't feel I can.
>>711666936
That video's pretty good actually, I'm sure with editing and such it would look professional. The camera shots from the first one are really good, especially compared to the second
>>711667449
You sound a lot like me, Anon. Literally all of these thoughts plague my mind on the daily; however, you have the luxury of friends who care enough to do something for you. That is a treasure I wish I could have once again in my life, but after everything that's happened it's hard for me to believe I'll ever have another meaningful friendship or relationship again.
>>711667449
are both of your roommates women? what led you to be in this desolate state of life
>>711667449
I'm kind of the same way you are anon. I want to know that there is at least someone out there that cares about me but there isn't anyone like that for me. Instead of cutting myself I resort to spending money to try and make myself feel better since it's the only thing I do have. In order for me to sleep I need to take sleep aids or else I'll spend the time I should be sleeping crying and overwhelmed by my feelings. Honestly wish there was something I could say to help you though. I'll be honest, I think the feelings you have for those two people in your life are just a sort of emotional attachment because you feel they care about you. I think you know this too and I'm not sure what you can do about it but I don't think starting a relationship based on those kind of feelings is a good idea.
>>711667435
She's in school to be an art teacher. She will be finishing up this year. She's pretty cute, only 5'3" or so, and a very petite frame. We get along pretty well. We have shared frustrations from time to time about the difficulty in dating. From her experience, there are always "catches" with guys. They eventually do something or say something that makes her realize they aren't worth her time anymore. In my opinion, she's a bit of a man eater. She seems to go through so many guys. Not all of them end up coming back here, but a maybe one or two a month will. The funny thing is, that most of them look a bit like me; beards, long hair, tattoos, and about 6' tall. It confused me for a while, when I first started to crush on her a bit. I thought she might have been trying to give me some sort of subtle hint. The reality though is that she has made it clear that she would never want to live with someone she was dating before getting engaged, so that pretty much eliminated me.
We're into some of the same things. She loves Sailor Moon, and I know a bit about anime/manga so we've talked about that for a bit. She's not the typical Japanese fan girl, I think she just really watched Sailor Moon a lot as a kid.
>>711667711
I know how lucky I am to have good friends. I don't let that go unappreciated. There are things friends can't do for you though, things that I really need. I can't ask a friend to cuddle with me in bed, especially if they are dating another friend of mine. I don't want sex, and I don't care about that. I need to be held. I need to feel physical affection.
I believe you can find friends again. The reality is that friends are something that builds over time. It's an emotional investment. You give bits of your life to someone, and then they give their in turn. It's a strange thing. Don't give up hope.
>>711664391
Just do it. It sounds like she likes you and you should ask her before she looses interest
>10 posters
sure is lonely in here
>>711668004
and do you have feelings for her? how did you end up rooming together
>>711667495
The guy who ran camera on the second doesn't like the guy playing the mugger. So the entire shoot turned into a pissing contest between the two and nothing got done correctly. Third shoot wont have either of them.
We've got 7 feature length films planned, like 6 shorts, and a bunch of other stuff but I doubt I'll ever finish any of it.
I get in a funk and just don't want to work on anything. Just seems pointless when noone even watches the shit. I've spent over $300 just trying to film the cowboy thing and it never ends up right.
>>711668254
Friends are a special thing. I do have one friend that may actually care about me, but she is my best friend's ex and I do not want to fuck with the bro code. I came dangerously close to actually doing something with her when we were both drunk.
Like I said, she seemed to care about me but I pushed her away because I thought she just wanted me, not that she wanted to talk to me. Which still seems true to me.
I too wish I could have someone to just cuddle. Tbh I just want my old relationship back, but this time I wouldn't be such a jerk to my ex. But I know that can't happen. And it makes me sad.
I have been trying to make friends this entire semester at school and I have made a grand total of 3 or 4, and the main reason I'm friends with them is because we're all stoners. I doubt they even care about me as much as they care about my weed.
>>711667780
No, I only have one roommate. The other girl I mentioned in a long-time friend, but we don't live together.
>>711667906
I think you're right, but I hadn't been able to put those words to it. Emotional attachment is a very, very real thing. I don't have money (at all), and I barely make enough to get by. Money isn't really a motivator for me, anyway.
The only thing I want out of life is to find real love and get married. It's a small thing to some people, but to me it is everything. I was there with my ex. I had a ring. I didn't really think she was going to leave me until she did. I even let her fuck me two days before she left. We had been separated for a few weeks (her decision). I made her dinner, and we watched a movie at "our" apartment. Before she left we had sex, and I believed that she wouldn't break up with me then. I was too trusting. She destroyed me. Everything in life since that point has been awful. I feel I am living in Hell. I am abandoned by "God" or whatever divine entity may or may not exist. It's a weird thing to describe, but I sometimes believe that's where I am.
I felt real, true love. I was with that girl for 6 years. I would have died for her. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without feeling that way for someone else. I don't want to even think about that possibility. So, maybe that's why I'm trying to force things with these girls. Even if something was there, I think you're right to say that starting a relationship with them might not be the best idea.
>>711668467
Dude, finish these films! Don't stop just because you think "noone even watches the shit."
You shouldn't make movies to please an audience- while that is the target goal, the real reason you should make a movie is because it's your passion and you want to make this movie to let your voice be heard. Hell, it's so much more than I'll ever do to put myself out there.
I believe that if you really put yourself out there, you will be noticed.
>>711668707
Totally off-topic, but I've never seen that gif before- but I use a picture that's very similar to it as my wallpaper.
>pic related
I thought this pic was comfy but god DAMN that snow makes it all the more comfier
>>711668338
I think I have feelings for her. I wouldn't put myself on the line, but if she made a direct move for me, I would fall like a house of cards. My heart hurts. I don't want to give just any person the key, but if she asked for it, I would give it to her.
We actually met through my ex, and one of her close friends. I dated this girl for almost 6 months, and during that time I needed a place to live, and my (now) roommate needed another person on her lease. We've been living together for....almost a year now. We are actually moving somewhere else together in a few weeks when this lease runs out. Another bit of complication to our "relationship", haha.
Music for anyone else still here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSVsSBLnQRk
>>711668707
>>711669005
time to get /comfy/
>>711669054
so if she made a move.. would you fall for her because you love or, or just feel the need to have somebody, anybody
>>711669071
>>711668816
Im so burnt out on it though. There's only so many times I can fail before it just crushes my spirit.
My film work literally saved me from killing myself. It's about the only thing that brings me any joy but i can't afford to keep wasting money on shit like this. It kills me to see something I've poured everything into crash and burn
>>711669071
Gladly- tbh posting comfy is better than baww, unfortunately
>>711669054
I like this music
>>711669186
who is saying youve failed? you havent even begun anon
>>711669158
cant find where i put my comfy folder
>>711668707
If I've managed to help you some way I'm glad. The way you've explained how you felt just sounded really similar to the ways I've felt before and I just don't want you to make the same mistakes I have. I've acted based on feelings of emotional attachment before and it's never ended well. Because of my most recent fuck up of acting based on those feelings I've ruined what could have been a great future for myself and I'm currently waiting on my suicide to be mailed to me.
>>711668595
3 or 4 friends is still something. You won't really know if they are trustworthy or care about you until it gets tested. I'm not saying to do something to something to test them on their level of commitment, but if something happens to you and they aren't there to support you, then you will know. It doesn't have to be big, but even if you just tell them that you aren't having a good day, and they aren't emotionally available to you about it can be all the information you need.
>>711669186
Anon, give it a try, after all, ""You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" - Wayne Gretzky" - Michael Scott
>>711669332
Doesn't have to only be comfy, can be just nice pics too
>>711669375
Honestly... I'm afraid that they aren't real friends and that's why I'm afraid of testing them. I believe that most, if not all, of my friends would leave me if they were tested because that seems to be the popular trend of any relationship I've ever had.
Cutting doesn't work anymore.
Not since she died.
APS failed her, cops failed her, hospital failed her, family failed her.
The only girl I ever loved. Now everything is destroyed. Last week I stopped talking to the only other friend I had because my pain upsets her.
>>711669696
What happened, Anon?
>>711669158
Because I'm genuinely attracted to her. She's got a lot of things going for her that I look for in a potential partner. She likes a lot of the same things. I feel like I can talk to her about my anxiety, and she understands. She shares a lot of my values and beliefs. We both have had to deal with difficult family backgrounds. I trust her deeply. She's cute, aside from all of that. I could say more, but I don't want to get too specific.
I'm not going to make a move though. I don't want to make things weird. I don't want to suddenly have to find a new place to live. I don't want to get hurt again. I've just accepted that either she's not interested, or she may be and it's going to make a move, and that's fine. Better that than getting another hit to my heart. The funniest thing is she has the same name as my ex of 6 years, and it's not even a common name.
>>711669332
I think it's just extreme apathy on my part. I used to do this stuff every day. I'd sit for hours modeling and animating. Ive got 2 tb of work from just the last 3 years and none of it is finished.
Now it takes an act of congress just to get me to write one page of a script.
I think what started all this was the failure of my comic book. I lost over $4000 on that thing.
>>711669536
ill take it
>>711669696
story time
>>711669917
do you have any other mode of work other than entertainment?
>>711669913
im sorry. id suggest finding a new person to live with, eventually something will happen between you two and it wont be good. or very good, could go either way
>>711669374
I have made a lot of bad decisions too. I fucked a 40 year old coworker about a month after my ex left. I needed someone, and I didn't think she would expect a relationship. I even tried to make it clear that I needed a friends with benefits situation. But that didn't stop her from wanting me to be hers. I couldn't have handled a relationship with anyone at that point, and she wasn't mature enough to understand that. Ironic, considering she was more than 10 years my senior.
She wasn't the only one. The friends with benefits thing is a myth. It doesn't work. Someone gets hurt eventually. Someone will eventually want it to have meaning. Even if that it's you, it will end up bringing pain to you. One night stands aren't the answer either.
>>711670076
I work at a gas station for $8.25 an hour... The place is my own personal hell. I legit have nightmares about the store.
>>711670224
no degree? no other skillset?
>>711670076
If it was going to happen, there were opportunities. We've gotten drunk together a couple times. She's helped deal with me while I've been unable to even get off the floor. I just don't think it's going to happen. She could have made a move. She hasn't. I don't think she's going to. I've accepted that reality, and it's OK now.
>>711669913
I think you're right to just keep her as a friend, Anon. As long as her friendship is of value to you, then you shouldn't try to ruin it in any way.
>>711670224
Is it impossible to leave the gas station? Is it worth it to kill yourself mentally by forcing yourself to work there ? Maybe doing a "worse" job somewhere else will help you maintain your sanity (or what little is left)
Here's my musical contribution to the thread:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9i4JlnSIx2g
She was terminal & being abused by her piece of shit husband. She reached out to me & told me over time. We fell in love.
I worked 18 hours a day to support her & to travel to be with her for as long as she had left. I found her family & got them in touch with each other but she was reliant on meds every two days to keep her alive. In January her trash husband forced his way back in, starved her of food & meds & she was hospitalised within the week. APS were called but couldn't stop him from abusing her, they let her out of hospital, she lasted four days & was re-admitted. She went downhill because he destroyed her phone & I could no longer get to her. She stopped eating or taking meds & died 48 hours later.
>>711670220
I'm sorry to hear about all of that, Anon. It sounds like a terrible situation to deal with.
Also, thanks for the advice on the FWB situation- I was slightly considering trying such a situation with my friend's ex but everything about the situation sounds shitty.
>>711670405
I started learning cinematography and 3D animation when I was 9. Spent pretty much every day trying to get better. Not good at much else.
I was asked to attend a college in chicago to learn this stuff but they didn't want to help pay and it cost $60,000 a semester.
I lost over $2000 on an apartment because none of my financial aid processed. So I moved to florida for a job, long story short I got screwed over by my landlord and had to move back home after being kicked at gunpoint out of the "redneck commune" I got stuck living in.
Life has not been kind to me for the past few years
>>711670490
shes a woman, but she sounds like a good friend. i wouldnt make a move, just cherish what you have. also try to find another woman
So far I've cheated in every relationship I've ever been in, and each time is has either hurt the person I cheated with, cheated on, or both. Most of the time I'm shit faced when it happens, but I never felt as much regret as I do now. The fear of what my friends and family would say when they find out (which is a guarantee at this point) makes me shut down. I can't help myself. I feel like a monster.
>>711670220
I understand what you're looking for man, I'm looking for the same thing. It's something that has to happen on it's own naturally and trying to force it in any way will just backfire. I hope you'll have more luck than I have and I hope you find some way of dealing with those feelings that doesn't fuck anything up.
It's 4 AM here, and I am need to pass out. These feels threads are the only reason I come to /b/ anymore, and this one has been particularly good. Thank you all for your words. You helped me get through another night of not hurting myself.
Good night, /b/.
>>711670690
it sounds like youve poured your life into this. ill be straight with you anon, you need to add to your skillset, or else youre never going to make it. im not telling you to give up on your dream, but you need to find a way to get a good job that isnt filming. youve put your heart and soul into this one thing and its not working out for you
>>711670859
Goodnight mate
>>711670759
how about you try not putting yourself into a position where you are hammered and could possibly cheat on your SO
>>711670690
Life's been a bitch to all of us. Exactly why we're here in this thread right now, and not asleep as the time dictates we should be.
>>711670759
I've never fully understood the mindset of a cheater: to me it's such an inhumane and cruel thing to do. What makes you do it, Anon?
>>711670859
Very glad I could be here to help you. Also, I'm very glad you could be here to help me.
>>711670864
I mean I have 6 years of management experience and I've taken a bunch of classes in business management. But noone wants to hire someone in their 20's for management. The area I live in is a shit hole. Nothing hires for more than 30 hours a week, and most only pay $7.25 an hour.
I appreciate the conversation. Im heading to bed now. Have to get up early and find some way to get to work since my car blew a tir and noone has one that'll fit.
>>711670859
last thread was better tbh. 5:06 and im still studying, cant wait for the dining halls to open. finally ran out of dip
sleep tight anon
>>711671091
same goes for you. hope you have a good day
>>711670953
I'mean probably just making excuses to myself at this point but, I don't have a particular mind set. Maybe I just don't feel as much attachment or a sense of commitment that my SO's feel. Even then, I love my current gf a lot more than I've ever felt for anyone else, but what I did can't be reversed. The girl that I cheated with has a loving bf of her own, but I don't know why for some reason of all the times we've gotten smashed together, the last time was different. And after that I haven't heard from her and I assume she hates my guts and blames me for all of it. Maybe I am to blame.
one last post
been a great couple of threads
goodnight /b/, love you all
I'm not in a good mind frame right now /b/ro's...
>met this girl about a month and a half ago at a bar
>had one night stand but decided to see each other a bit more
>started getting close, spending every night together (live on same base)
>start "dating". Not exclusive but we both care about each other.
>first girl I've been with since my first girlfriend who made me forget about said first girlfriend.
>2 weeks ago, new girl and I got into an argument, and she got into bed with one of my friends.
>told me all they did was kiss
>forgave her, she told me it was a huge wake up call and she just wants to be with me.
>having issues trusting her again.
Just putting me in a shit mood all the time, what should I do ?
>>711672281
thank god i didnt close the thread yet. im pretty sure im the only one here now. give me a minute to type out my verdict. also what branch are you?
>>711672504
Air Force, yeah I realised after I posted that the thread was almost dead
>>711672281
>>711672504
well to be fair to her you DID say that you werent exclusive. I know that feel though, mutually into each other but not ready to put a label on it yet, however still feel enough to be pissed if theyre with somebody else. playing with fire anon
if she got mad because of your argument and then went into your other friends bed, thats a bad sign. what happens if you do end up dating and get into another argument? will she sleep with one of your friends? things to consider
are you set on making it work though?
>>711670759
are you me?
>>711672520
>>711672281
>>711672629
hey faggot are you still here
I will share something I need to get out of my chest. Lately feeling like shit, like my life has no goal or something, like I'm such a fucking piece of shit that even if I try I will fuck up nonetheless, that and the never-ending thought/feel of feeling as if everybody dislikes you, everyone, family, friends, you fucking name it. I use to struggle with self harm when I was 15, now I cant bring myself to hold a blade near my flesh, is like all my muscles disengage, although I've had succesful attemps.
Nonetheless, since everyone here is sharing comfy pictures, I'll decide to share my own. Took this picture in Baní, Dominican Republic like 3 years ago.
>>711673734
here and listening anon
is there anything that happened to kickstart you into feeling this way?
>>711673861
Thank you anon, I simply happens out of the blue, just as I'm minding my own bussiness (I mean the hopelessness feeling). The feelings of being hated or disliked as well, but I know what made me start feeling that way. Somehow, from time to time I get depressed and anxious for no fucking reason.
(more "comfy" pictures for my anons, same place.)
Keep this thread bumped, ive got a greentext in the works of my life going up then down hill.
>>711674415
what made you start feeling that way?
ran out of comfy pics sorry lads
>>711674558
joined the last thread at 9-10ish, made this thread at 3am and have been monitoring it since then. This is my child, no way im fucking letting it die, im here till 7
>>711674633
Checked
>>711674633
The feeling of being disliked began with many texts like these (pic below) and many more. Again, the hopelessness thing don't know why, and that is frustrating. Lately I've been thinking only of driving a bullet through my head, sadly I don't live in the U.S where getting a gun is somewhat easy. (Also, czéch dem dubs, anon).
>>711674850
is this a woman?
>>711674633
>>711674850
Also, a comfy pic for my boi. Do you enjoy the sea?
>>711674895
Nah, a lonely-ass anon.
>>711674558
>>711674633
Greentext as promised.
1/?
I am a pile of masks. All my close relationships have been artificial and have been founded on me being a tool for someone else. It started with one selfish kid who thought it would be fun to toy with my head.
>be me, idiot kid, 16.
>have some mental issues, causes me to be really two faced (relevant later i promise)
>go to a halloween party
>ask a girl out
>get shot down
>feels bad but at least i tried
>in my low i get real close to a new friend i met
>Laura
>younger than me, crazier too, but caring
>open up to her about my religious beliefs
>raised by hippy parents who believe in astral projection and energy and shit
>she perks up and tells me she knows a lot about it
>our friendship becomes based on learning that shit together
>be two months later
>december 14th
>My friendship with Laura has gotten intertwined with my spiritual beliefs that you couldn't tell one from the other.
>redflags.avi
>im blind to them
>Have nihilistic revelation and am talking to Laura about how it only makes sense to an hero
>she panics, and fesses up
>she made up literally everything she told me to make me be her friend
>her lies were so intertwined into my beliefs that i cant make them apart.
>my heart skips a beat
>skips two more
>vision goes dark around the edges, get dizy
>bitch single handedly annihilated my world view
>days pass
>start getting awful delusions
>reality is fake
>its all a dream
>my sense of self is destroyed
>my personality doesn't make sense i need to make sense of it
>start coping by blotting out memories and forcing my emotions into "boxes"
>mental health goes down hill fast
>gameoflife.jav
>no religion to save me, cant trust people anymore
>fuck
>>711675060
2/?
>be me, 17
>Have a DID
>basically means i semi randomly change personalities and worldview on a dime
>some nice, some horrible, but absolutely inconsistent
>causes major self consciousness issues so I resort to just completely copying the person im around at the time
>causes me to hurt everyone I'm close with if i open up to them
>causes me to be conflicted and never be able to make choices
>winter formal, junior year
>get close to a girl, Maddie
>16, one year my underclassmen, absolutely beautiful filipina
>learn her life story
>she has depression and a borderline personality disorder from being abused and assaulted as a child
>I open up to her expecting her it to tank
>mfw she accepts my faults and is a supportive friend
>we somehow click and help each other cope with issues
>march 6, i ask her out
>things go great, everything is looking good
>toogoodtobetrue.jpg
>we shared first times for everything
>kisses, sex, the while nine yards
>definitelytoogoodtobetrue.jpg
>months pass
>we have our issues
>she was an sjw from tumblr and i was a lurker on 4chan
>by the gods i manage to convert her and save her ass
>we shared politically incorrect humor on a daily basis
>foundthegoodtimes.wav
>time passes
>actual faults start cropping up
>she drops the "if you cant handle me at my worst" line
>again im blind to the red flags
>it gets oh so worse
>breaks down crying one day, confesses she's been selling pictures to some german pedo
>lucky me, i don't ever feel what I'm assuming must be cold hard betrayal because of the damage Laura did to me
>want to leave her but stick with it because i knew i didn't want to open up to any more people after her.
>way too painful
>would much rather suffer through the fights than be alone, because when its good, its really good
I'm still here familia give me a little bit
>>711675951
Youre the only reason im still typing. ive been sitting on this shit for a long time.
>>711674850
you must be an insufferable piece of shit to get that sort of response.
Stop fucking wallowing in self pity and actually try to improve your life.
Yes I know it's hard, but nothing worth doing is ever easy.
If you don't want to get better then you can't blame people for getting tired of your shit.
It's up to you to help yourself because no one is going to fucking do it for you.
>>711676002
BACK let me read this
>>711675935
keep going anon
>>711675951
>>711675935
3/?
Sorry for being slow, i didnt pretype this.
>months pass
>we hit one year
>between her BPD/Depression and my DID and paranoia we fight a ton
>we both are so committed though that we always end up back together
>i've sworn my heart to this girl and refuse to verbal lash out because i'm terrified of being alone again
>i get treated like a punching bag, she hits me and insults me any time she's upset
>its to no ones surprise that the sex is fantastic, and being stupid horny teenagers, we fuck like rabbits.
>she gets weirdly pushy with me
>makes me tell her all about the alters i cope with.
>she only wants to see Six and Twelve, (a gentle, soft spoken twink of a guy, and a child)
>makes me nauseated just thinking about it
>badgers me relentlessly to see them even though i have literally no control over my fucking issue
>gets mad and throws fits when she doesn't get her way
>I find out she told one of her girlfriends about my issue without my permission
>lose a lot of trust in her
>start having a hard time keeping my head on right
>she pushes me a bit too hard one night and I lose what self control i had
>Angel, what i can only describe as wrath incarnate eats up my vision and i say some unpleasant things.
>she gets scared and that kicks me a notch down further
>Domino, what id describe as the after effects of the fakery Laura dropped on my head starts telling her stuff to try and push her off an edge
>rekt thread gore sort of shit
>>711676525
not meming: how old are you
>>711676964
19 currently, the relationship took place mainly while i was late 17-18.
>>711676525
>thank god this girl had semi thick skin
>manage to mend things, but she got to see my worst insecurities
>Keeps treating me like shit
>confesses she likes seeing me flip
>feels bad
>this was the girl who was once so sweet and loving to me in my darkest hours
>things rollercoaster up and down for a while
>the way she treats me swaps so hard between loving and shitty
>this fucks very badly with the DID
>some love her, some hate her
>turns out having an orgasm can trigger a violently rapid switch because of the head rush
>lead to me having to play off cleaning up at a distance to hide the change
>time passes
>be me, 18 now, gf 17
>we've been together 1 1/2 years about
>ive graduated and go to college at a semi local school
>she takes her loneliness out on me, brings me down when im fighting to make my life as positive as possible for the sake of my mental heath
>my other friends notice my mental health suffering futher
>so does she
>she blames me, tells me to get a therapist
>"i need money and a job first, im not telling my parents about this shit"
>get into a minor unrelated fight
>things dont go her way and she tries forcing me to do what she wants
>she threatens to tell everyone because it would "be to get me to find help"
>I have a major panic attack, never tell her for fear of what she may do
>"ok, ill do what you say'
>feel myself going cold inside
>>711676073
Wasnt actually me doe, just something I found in another baww thread.
>>711677144
5/?
>She forces me to give her passwords to social media
>says its to post shit for fun, which shes done in the past so i dont mind
>she ends up going through my messages on a daily basis, telling me every time i get a notification
>it makes me increasingly paranoid and one day i snap at her
>"we need to talk about it"
>she refuses, says shed rather not
>realizing how selfish she was wasnt a fun feeling
>i hit a bad low the next night, try and confide in her.
>she gets irritated
>tells me she cant help me
>no, she just wont help me
>"I cant handle your DID, if you keep bugging me im going to tell your parents and friends so you can get actual help"
>It turns out a heart breaking makes an audible sound
>feels really fucking cold all over
>disassociate to cope with the pain
>I visit her in person and tell her we need to be on a break
>she breaks down and tells me how much she loves me and needs me to say "i love you" to her
>"i just want to be happy"
>doesnt even care about my feelings, only her own
>I'm having flashbacks to Laura
>i tell her that the only way this will work is if we make major changes and stop the bullshit
>i dont want it to end, i cant handle doing this with someone else again
>talking about my issues to people i know sends me into a panic so fuck that
>we agree on terms and part for the day, thinking itll all be okay soon
>oh boy was i wrong
>>711663938
I haven't smoked in 9 days, and it's killing me. Now i'm losing the feelings i had for my girlfriend, and it feels bad man. The biggest problems is that i just want to brake up with my gf, and there's really no reason why i would want that.
Why is everything so confusing ?
>>711678059
pot or cigarettes
>>711678196
Cigarettes. The pot has been helping me to stop them, but has also been fucking my head up.
>>711677256
Well my point remains the same, but I'm sorry for being an ass.
>>711677878
6/6 (fuck that number but i guess its fitting)
>dawn the day of the last straw
>we disagree on plans for the day, and i figure because of our agreement itll be okay
>nope
>she tries to force me to cancel plans i made a week in advance with one of my best friends
>abuses me worse than she has in a while, insulting me relentlessly, calling me a fag for hanging out with a guy friend, doing her best to emasculate me
>ive had absolutely enough
>straw that broke the camels back
>id rather be alone than constantly stressed
>using every last bit of willpower i have, gather all her belongings i have and drive over to her house, with my friend and his girlfriend (we used to be a wonderful close quartet) as support while i go in to do whats been a long time coming.
>Have a talk with her parents, they are caring and understanding
>hardly get a word out in front of her as she just shoves a chair at me and storms off
>itsover.gif
>au contraire
>she tries to talk to me over text but its all self pitting bullshit, blaming me for everything
>i cut contact
>be me, 19, present day
>mental state worsening, alters becoming more possessive.
>one of them, Domino, seems to cause me to lose time and not remember certain things
>memory has become garbage, i repeat myself multiple times thinking i never spoke, or forget work and school events on a daily basis
>cant really open up to anyone anymore
>a couple alters still have feelings for her and it really fucks me up because i couldn't care less.
>been getting hallucinations, sounds that dont exist, smells that have no way of being there, tastes from nothing
>grades have gone to shit, as has my social life.
>just about fed up with everything here.
Thanks for listening to me verbally shit out all my baggage /b/.
>>711671872
have a goodnight anon
>>711667449
Man, just ask.
I doesn't matter if it's your roommate or whatever girl you are confident with, tell her: "I'm feeling shit right now, can I cuddle you?" If she's not a total bitch she will not mind it at all.
I did it several times, when depression kiked in, I just asked my best female friend, and she has a boyfriend.
Human contact has a big role in your well being.
it´s just some words from an unkown person i read on my monitor, not even words directed to me which make me almost feel anything.
I wish something would happen in my life to make me feel again. even something bad would be okay for me.
>>711681791
how about cringe. do you not feel cringe in your own comment. you ultimately fight the feels and when you successfully do you say you have no feelings. r u retarded.
