Hi guys, so today is St. Patrick’s Day and for the last few years it has been the worst day of my year. You see, a few years ago some shite went down on Paddy’s Day that changed my perspective on the world for good. What follows is a recount of those events. It’s the only way (besides drink, which doesn’t help) to get me over the PTSD (PaTrick’s Stress Disorder).
[First half or so is exposition, then the sex stuff / note: this will be longer than the average greentext]
>Be me, not kissless but virgin
>20, typical American student at typical American college
>call me ainm
>Normal life, normal friends, nothing too obviously interesting about me
>Literally so normal my mayor is Chris Koos
>But yeah, about the only thing notable about me is my red hair, due to my Irish ancestry
>By “notable”, I mean I would often get sticky notes taped to my back mocking it
>”Souls wanted”, they’d say
>”This Fanta’s flat”, they’d say mocking my lack of muscles while working out in gym class
>They’d even make the popping sounds cans make when you open them
>And they’d always ask me to lend a few freckles to “spot” them
>When they discovered 4Chan, they’d say “Top Frek” whenever I did something embarrassing
>Bullied and taken advantage of, to say the least
>cont
>cont
>Anyways, when my college advertised study abroad, I was pretty fucking excited about leaving
>I saw there was an opportunity to study at a school in Ireland, and I made sure to qualify
>Luckily, they let me go, and I prepared for a 6-month study abroad at a solid-sounding Irish place
>Fly over and get there, excited to immerse myself in my motherland
>Get to Eire
>Get out, immediately feel culture shock as soon as I encounter my first Celtfag
>”Welc a urrland wear ya from, o america, enjoy the craic slippedy-doo fidderlee-dee”
>Stench of rotting potatoes swelters the air around me as I exit airport
>Only gets worse on the taxi ride to the college, the rural aroma of cows and sheep (thought that was the Welsh thing?) offends my privileged American nostrils
>Taxi driver wasn’t much better, annoying as fuck, though polite
>Kept talking about some faggot called Ender Kenny like he was his boyfriend or something
>couldntgiveaflyingshityaleprecaun.jpg
>cont
>cont
>things start to pick up when I actually get to the school
>some native English-speakers greet me, show me to my dorm and everything
>Irish girls seem to be pretty nice and winky-wink spa-dinky-dink, know what I mean?
>and a lotta fellow cast members of Brave to satisfy my oedipus complex
>and despite my rampant cultural insensitivity (you guys’ fault), I managed to not mention the Troubles or the Famine once
>needed to keep my self under control to catch me a galway girl, nawwhati’msayin?
>roomed up with a pretty cool irish dude, though surprised I had to room at all
>I mean, them all being 3 feet tall, wouldn’t it make sense to have a lot of small rooms instead of wasting space by having us share a big one?
>either way, no big deal, sharing a room with this cool guy called Colm
>sounds more like a vertical structure used to hold a building, but hey name your kids whatever you want I can’t stop ya
>cont
>cont
>Colm was a pretty cool guy, straight outta the city o’ Dublin and really tuned into both irish culture and, you know, the actual world
>could even use a cell phone, I was gobsmacked
>we shared a couple classes, so he said he’d get me used to Irish culture
>and even try and score a few gaelic gals if I “behaved myself” (those were his exact words)
>I mean, I came here for cultural immersion and to pop the ol’ cherry, so I was down
>Colm takes me to pub on my first night
>Jesus Christ
>packed with sweaty old farmers - and this was the college pub
>they’re all singing shanties or some shit
>I can see why Bono fucked off to Africa
>manages to squeeze us into the only section at the back of the pub with young humans
>offers to buy me my first guiness
>oh shit yeah, I can drink in this motherfucker even though I ain’t 21
>notallbad.dmg
>cont
will continue once other people reply, I have the whole story prepared
>cont
>goes to bar and buys me a guiness
>brings me the drink, it’s blacker than an Ivy League campus
>looks pretty tempting though, has this nice foam on top that reminds me of the leftover bubble-up jizz after I try and fap after already cumming a few times
>thatthestuffrightthere.pdf
>I go to take a sip as Colm (and a few other kids who had joined to watch) stares on approvingly
>I gulp a bit, get a bit of a dirty sanchez from the foam
>But shit does this drink taste like the generations spent toiling on the potato farms
>so earthy B.O.B.’d proclaim it was flat
>couldn’t be grittier if Zack Snyder directed it
>literally spit it out with first gulp
>I’ve had coldsores more pleasant to my mouth
>Celtfags around me all laughing, even joined by some of the farmfags sitting at the bar with their teeth dangling like MJ’s kids over the balcony
>a chorus of celtic cackling engulfs my eardrums, never been more annoy-barassed in my life
>cont
>>674499455
I'm reading, I'm reading...
>cont
>once I put my drink down, Colm goes to the bar and comes back with a round of Heinekens
>”no one with two halves a brain actually drinks that shite here, ya feckin’ egit”
>praisebetogod.ie
>we drink a round of heinekens and go on with our night
>then says we’re having corned beef and cabbage for “supper”, but we all end up ordering the kids chicken nuggets and “chips” meal
>honestly would recommend the pub if it weren’t for the atmosphere
>after that night, Colm, his “mates” and I hang out around different pubs at night, most of the experiences better than the one on the first night
>continues to try and get me to chat up girls, but a mixture of my nerves and the Irish girls’ revulsion to all guys who come within two galaxies of having the same heritage hurts my chances
>seriously, they all seem to gravitate to the non-ginger guys
>I thought i’d be the sexual master race there, but no
>feelingdown.gif
>cont
gotta give me those conts/bumps guys, no point me posting if the thread's gonna die
good story.
>cont
>a few weeks later, classes are going well but I still haven’t had any luck with the ladies
>Colm has brought girls back on a number of occasions, but made me sleep in the tub while he was “putting the rainbow in the pot o’gold”
>left to play league and shit in the tub
>no, I meant league, and other games, in the tub, not “shit in the tub”
>calm yourselves, there was a toilet a few hundred yards outside in a wooden shack I could use
>but I had to hold it in while having they were shagging so as not to disturb
>anyways, at this point it was coming up to St. Patrick’s Day, and Colm said, and I think I quote:
>”I promise to help you plow the fields of pussy come the 17th”
>thanksforthehelpiguesscolm.png
>St. Paddy’s finally comes, celebrations around the school and surrounding area
>like those festivals you see at all the schools in the anime, except no one’s sober
>a parade through the town center throughout the day, lots of potatoes thrown through the air
>gypsies playing harp in the streets
>cont
>cont
>have a pretty good day, have quite a few too many pints with Colm and the gang
>about 8pm, he says “o.k. ainm, it’s time to put your giant in the causeway”
>he takes me to this pub we’ve never been to, just the two of us
>it’s kinda shady and old, though looks full of people
>”any reason why this is the pussypub, Colm?” I ask
>”trust me, all the ladies hang out at this one on Padraic’s” he chuckles to himself
>not sure if I follow the “trust me”, but hey i’m 20 and still ain’t put my cutlery in the dishwasher
>once inside, it’s totally crowded, can’t see the grass for the guiness
>not even sinead o’conner’s head could shine a light on this mess
>people squeezing around to get their pints, smells of piss like boiled bacon
>”the fuck we gonna get some pussy in this joint, bruh?” I shout over the yells of a dozen drunken dubliners
>”trust” he says, pulling out his phone
>He calls someone, and they answer, far as I can tell
>”Ey, you and Lisa in ‘ere?” he yells
>Can hear a faint “yeah, come to the back room”
>cont
"I promise to help you plow the fields of pussy come the 17th"
literally perfect line
>cont
>not sure I want to go to the back room with Colm, but the allure of sex is heavier than Chris Christie at a donut exposition
>we push ourselves through the crowd of wasted wasters and enter the so-called “back room”
>it’s actually just another room to sit in and drink, but much less crowded for whatever reason
>like some sort of odd dream, in fact - it’s not crowded at all
>there were probably more people there, but all I could see was…her.
>and the abomination sitting next to her that would scar me deeper than Dippa scarred anern
>cont
>cont
>Colm introduces me to the two girls
>One called Siobhan (shiv-yawn) and the other Lisa
>Shivyawn was literally one of the most beautiful girls i’ve ever seen
>like, y’all fap at Chloe Moretz all the time, this is like her plus Jessica Alba, with - as luck would have it - the only attractive Irish accent this side of the 21st century
>But Lisa
>Yeah….
>There was definitely something, off. She had this nervous twitch, a droopy left eye, and a big scar on her right cheek
>Shit brown hair, faded grey eyes, and overweight
>I’d feel sorry for her if I wasn’t (literally) trying to push my dick down with my hands under my seat every time I glanced at Shivyawn
>But anyway, we got to talking, me nervously nodding and adding the odd descriptive comment - Lisa doing the same but in a croaky, deep voice - while Shivyawn and Colm did a lot of flirting
>Starting to put two and two together? Seems like he was finna score with this angel while I kissed the proverbial blarney stone
>cont
op where's the rest
>>674501211
i'll post one more para for each bump, there's still a lot left
>cont
>as the minutes pass by - it’s a weird feeling cause I feel like minutes looking at Shivyawn went by as quick as an Irish government but every second of a glance at Lisa lasted longer than the English rule - I begin to realize that the reality that Colm has forced me into is shagging this bulbous kraken
>I exchange the odd smile with Lisa, realising she wants ainm’s Donegal Dong
>from what I gather from Shivyawn and Colm’s conversation, they’re friends and Lisa is Colm’s cousin, who set the other two up
>eventually Shivyawn offers for us to go back to her place and crash, and she even winks with me as she gets up
>the girls go to the bathroom for a sec, and Colm turns to me
>”So ainm, whaddaya think?”
>”Shivyawn’s beautiful”
>”I know, right, I’m fucking the shite outta that fecker tonight”
>”And I get Lisa, your cousin?”
>He looks offended, not because I’m implying I’m finna shag his relative, but as if I’ve insulted his genetics (wouldn’t be the first one to)
>”I know she seems a bit weird, and she fecking is, but she’s down for whatever”
>He winks as he says this, and I get less-than-appealing flashbacks to greentexts of old
>and not the boner-inducing ones like the one where the guy stuck his cock in a skull
>the BAD ones
>cont
more please
>cont
>but I’m horny, a virgin, and half-drunk at this point, and this is about the best chance I’ve ever had at slaying the dragon
>oh wait sorry that’s an English pun, an Irishman couldn’t slay a geriatric pigeon
>anyways, Shivyawn and Lisa return from the bathroom, and we all stagger slowly back to her apartment (fortunately it was pretty close to where we ended up)
>Lisa brushes up to me to talk while Shivyawn and Colm walk ahead
>”So ainm, we avin some fern ternite?” she gurgles (when she says “ternite”, I momentarily imagine little termites coming out of her mouth and pecking on my wood)
>”Uhh…..” I sweat
>”It Sint Paddy’s day - and yer noo about the luck of the eye-rish” she chuckles, latching onto my arm
>I feel her hairs brushing up against my perfectly waxed arms (don’t ask)
>I try to think of the positives
>I am a fan of hairy pussy, which is pretty much guaranteed at this point
>and her eyes are already off-center enough for her to not notice me looking away with every ounce of my being as I slide in the ol’ Wexford Wankle
>cont
THis is juicy shit keep it up op
more fgt
>cont
>I’ll cut to the chase of the fecker at this point
>so we finally get to Shivyawn’s apartment and Colm and Shivyawn “sneak” off to her bedroom to shake the barley
>Lisa asks me “so we goin’ tha guest room?”
>I gulp like an illegal mowing Trump’s lawn but mutter out “y..y..yeah…”, trying to admire the (admittedly nice) arse on the back of this bovine
>Lisa grabs my hand, squeezing it tightly, and leads me in
>still haven’t figured out if just genetically unlucky in literally every category or genuinely deformed
>either way, can’t help but feel sorry for her as she leads me into the room, obviously very excited
>nonetheless, the sympathy does not outweigh the sheer mix of terror and nausea
>but still, my pecker’s a-perkin’, and at least I can tear the ol’ V-card
>But as she sits me on the bed, stands before me, and looks deeply into my eyes, I realize that’s not the only thing that’s getting teared up tonight
>”thank you Saint Patrick” she growls, ripping off her clothes
>cont
cmon OP tell us the rest
>cont
>”well, aren’t ya disrobin’ too?” she says, at this point in her underwear as I stare at her wart-ridden body
>And I thought I was spotty
>Too scared to say no and too horny to turn back, I slowly take off my clothes
>my shirt off and my pants half on the ground, she bends over and pulls her frilly panties over her gelatinous glutes
>I gulp, audibly
>”someone’s exited for me County Cork” Lisa giggles loudly
>I swear to this day that I could hear Shivyawn cackle from the other room and Colm was trying out the Tipperary Twister on her twat (his words)
>so here I am, lookin’ like an egit with my pants on the ground, shirtless and sweating, this skinny ginger rodent of a failure with an ogre’s hairy anus wobbling towards me
>”who wants to taste the rainbow?”
>cont
Keep going
>cont
>at that point I think I DID try to say “no, no, please no”, but it was too late
>when I came to Ireland, I was promised rolling hills and grassy fields
>this is not what I had pictured
>my face submerged in her bumhole like a Bernie Bro at a Trump rally, I was forced to “taste the rainbow” as my face become battered by the Donkey Kong bash-bashing of her cheeks on mine
>it’s hard to remember the exact taste, and it’s making me half-cry, half-cringe just thinking about it
>imagine tainted mustard infused with possum carcass, and you get the idea
>eventually, I managed to - I think - satisfy the beast
>she let out a moan-ish sound that reminded me of when I went and saw the orcas at Sea World
>but as she removed her buttocks from my trembling face, she let out what was, to this day, the most frightening fart I’d ever heard an - anything - release
>I remember reading about the “Night of the Big Wind” in an Irish history class I was taking
>was this what they were talking about?
>cont
Cont
>cont
>then, she turned around, patted me on the head, and said “good boy”
>still smiling, she gave me a bit of the old Shannon Suckstorm
>honestly a solid blowjob (now that therapy has given me the strength to go out and get more)
>But I couldn’t really recover from the ass-chasm I had just been sucked into, and my dick failed to retain a boner long enough for me to want to have sex with her
>thankfuckbiology.gif
>She was obviously pissed off at that point
>”what, I don’t please you?”
>I couldn’t get a word out of my mouth
>”……….”
>”Hmmmph. We’ll have to do something about that,” she said, staring angrily into my eyes as she squeezed her left boob like it was a stress ball
>And with those words, I promptly passed out
>cold
>I can’t remember what happened for the next few hours after that, but when I woke up, I was (kinda) dressed again, and Lisa was naked, asleep, by my side
>cont
next one is the last one, so i'll wait a little
>>674502441
fuck you you fucker post it you're on a roll
>>674502441
Fuck you finish the story I wanna go to sleep
>cont
>Colm woke me up trying to get me dressed, and when he saw I was awake he was obviously trying not to laugh
>”the feck happened in here?” he whispered, so as not to awaken the beast
>”fuck you, is what happened in here, you irish twot!”
>he laughed, and quietly led me out of the room
>We passed a sleeping Shivyawn as we excited the building as quickly as possible
>Swear I could here a roar from Lisa as we walked out onto the drunkard-ridden street
>”Jesus Christ Colm, don’t you ever pull shit like that on me again!” I yelled. I’d never had the balls to speak up to someone before, but this was the last straw
>I released a violent roast on him, and even slapped him
>He stayed silent
>we trudged back to our dorms, me still muttering slurs under my breath about him
>We got back into our dorm room, collapsed onto our beds, and Colm turned off the lights
>”So how was the Fuck O’ The Irish?” he giggled a few seconds later
>He slept in the tub that night
>never went back to that fucking country again
And that's GG.
>>674502441
Post plz ya egit
>>674502633
that was the biggest anti climax of my life
so Op how are you doing now?
>>674502814
i'm not in ireland that's how i'm doing
I still have therapy but I have a normal sex life as well, but nothing steady right now. I graduated but barely.
Needless to say I didn't recommend the trip to younger students who asked me about it.
>>674502783
journey > destination
well, in this case both were fucking awful
so what did you do this year.
>>674503862
sat home, drunk, writing this shit
this is why you never settle for the landwhale kids. I would've got up out of that back room stat and found a nicce gaelic girl to fuck silly.
>>674503939
oh right. I got drunk and now I'm working. Writing a resignation letter actually.
>>674504010
>implying any of the gaelic chicks woulda gone for 4/10 egits like us
>>674499121
saint patrick was fucking welsh
get over yer bad day, m8
>>674504092
what job you resigning from?
>>674504122
it's all in the flick of the wrist.
First you isolate them from their pack
then you sedate them.
then you drag their lifeless bodies home
it's a simple three step process.
>>674504192
night auditor position due to conjecture and my boss trying to push me out.
>>674504352
the name alone sounds suicide-inducing, correct choice m8
>>674504428
thanks /b/ro I needed that.
>>674504276
whoops!
I meant SEDUCE them
and TAKE their SEXY bodies home
>>674504693
isn't that the same thing?
>open the door
>get on the floor
>sleep in tub
Anti climatic as fuck.
>wtf is an egit?
>>674505065
the truth is anticlimactic
>>674505133
irish pronunciation of "idiot"
i.e. id-yot, eed-yot, eed-jot, eed-git, egit
>>674505252
haters gonna hate.
>>674499808
keep it going
>>674505792
intheholeinthebogrightinthevalleyoh
i stopped reading when you made a potato joke
Read this greentext while enjoying a blunt. Good story op!
>>674506142
i tried not to make too many lol
>>674502986
wait wait wait did you really go to therapy because you ate an ugly girl's ass and she farted on you when you were trying to lose your virginity? What were your sessions like?
here's my story about losing my virginity
>meet girl
>I'm in grade 10
>she's in grade 11
>she's kinda hot but at the same time she has a monroe
>she seems to have been around the pole quite a bit
>girl I was preying on and me fall out temporarily so I go on a bender with this chick
>go over to her house after school
>wow your mom sells weed and you smoke weed
>I didn't even smoke at the time
>start making out
>well we can't have sex in my room anon my mom could hear
>okay...so what do?
>she takes my hand and leads me outside
>we climb ontop of some hay stacks
>she pulls down my pants and starts riding me
>holy fuck what is happening
>cum, cum hard
Then she broke my heart when she cheated on me a month later. I think she just pretended we were exclusive to keep fucking me, I have a big cock.
>>674506467
full of tears, laughter (on the therapist's part and my own), and admission of suicidal thoughts
>>674506580
>fucks on bale of hay
Kek countryfag.
>>674506876
yeh she lived in the country.
>>674507079
which country?
>>674506698
were they like,
>Hello, anon, what brings you here?
>I feel like my emotions are out of control. I want to sleep all the time. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I wish I was dead. I think about killing myself sometimes.
>Can you remember when this started? Is there an even you associate with this feeling?
>One time I was in Ireland and I really wanted to finally get laid, and instead I ate an ugly girl's ass and then she farted on me.
>>674507224
well, that doesn't fully sum it up, it took some time for me to admit it to the guy giving me the therapy, but yes, all those questions were asked and answered, and he did want all the details.
>>674507389
imagining the scene of you confessing to your shrink that fat, farty analingus was at the heart of your troubles is cracking me up. Life is funny mang.
>>674508168
yeah, it was one of the worst/weirdest, but most necessary experiences of my life
>>674508168
hmm maybe I should call it "the troubles" from now on
>>674507389
How does the fact that she probably to this very day schlicks whilst thinking of you and that night make you feel?
>>674508791
thanks for that thought, m8
>>674508876
Yer welcome.
So what you're saying is, don't go to Oireland? Been kinda wanting to go.
>>674509022
i mean, it's your funeral, and i'm sure there are others who have had wonderful experiences, but my experience has been tainted by this event and the fact that my heritage is more made fun of than respected
>>674508236
Oh man the schadenfreude, it is too much. You're killing me.
Go make bombs and beat your wives, micks.
>>674509196
Aww c'mon, I thought the Irish had this whole bad ass subculture?
My ancestors were Celtiberians though, so a little more removed from that. My great great grandfather, my grandfather and my uncle from the other side of the family are gingers. No one in my gen. though. Likely my boys or girls if I ever have any.
>>674509921
interesting. I'm fully Irish in ancestry, half of my family is ginger
>>674510028
So I take you can't go out tonight and get drunk and laid cause o' this issues? I hear they're actually developing tech to erase specific memories, like in that Carrey movie.
>>674510327
fuck that'd be nice
but then again, this memory has made me who I am, 90% of greentext wouldn't exist if that tech was a thing
OP tried way to hard to inject le sick bazplinga one liners and ended up making a ahit story just embarrassing, you faggot
>>674499158
>>Luckily, they let me go, and I prepared for a 6-month study abroad at a solid-sounding Irish place
Celtfag here, where did you go?
>”Welc a urrland wear ya from, o america, enjoy the craic slippedy-doo fidderlee-dee”
top kek :D
>>674510729
won't tell you the exact place but somewhere in dublin
>>674499808
>I’ve had coldsores more pleasant to my mouth
Sounds like you meant to write "cocks and balls" there OP
Ask a ginger anything
>>674511861
do you listen to soul music?
>>674500205
>”no one with two halves a brain actually drinks that shite here, ya feckin’ egit”
"eejit".
God dammit you're some eejit, spelling it egit
A root has no soul next question
>>674512137
who voices you in the new Seth Rogen weedlmao, "Sausage Party"?
>>674511974
>implying there is a correct spelling of a word which only exists because it is an incorrect way of saying the original world
I am ginger not a faggot next question
>>674512391
how do you sleep at night?
I am lifeless I do not require sleep next motherfucker
>>674512605
ginga how the fuck you answering questions if you lifeless
>>674511861
ginger beer or ginger ale?
What a fucking terrible story, OP. You wasted all of our time, too. Should jusg have been
>be me, 20 year old virgin faggot
>go to Ireland because for some reason i think I'll be less of a faggot there
>le omg Ireland is different to America haha how quirky isn't this neat
>think I'll get to bone an irish chick, simply because I'm not from Ireland
>forget I'm an ugly retarded faggot and my only chance is a 1/10, like me
>go home with her
>can't bone her because I'm a fucking faggot
>fin
Fuck you, OP you ugly retarded faggot
>how do you respond if you are lifeless?
You are on acid you tard
>>674509921
Ireland is fucking amazing. People are so carefree and nice for no reason, really, unlike stuck up American faggots
And ginger beer because I like my cannibalism spicy
I am root
K your drug trip is ending and soon I will be but a spicy memoir,and a lifeless root once more
>>674500205
bump
ginger bread or ginger snap
>>674510500
this. op is much less clever than he thinks he is
do you like being a sushi condiment?
>>674512373
>implying there is a correct spelling of a word which only exists because it is an incorrect way of saying the original world
>implying the word "feck" can be spelled "farck"
>>674515289
The difference is farck doesn't make the same sound as feck when you say it, but eejit and egit produce the same sound