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\\JOKE THREAD//
The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.
You are currently reading a thread in /b/ - Random

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\\JOKE THREAD//
Post the best jokes you know

>Thumblr tier - mainstream internet
>Shit tier - unoriginal 4chan
>Average tier - original but taboo topic (dark humour)
>God tier - original non dark humour

Other anons rate them!
>>
Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

A. They can’t stand fast food.
>>
What did the stamp say to the envelope?

You stick with me and I will take you places!
>>
Waiter, waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?

I believe that's the backstroke, sir.
>>
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
>>
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor tells him, "You have to stop masturbating." The man says, "Why?" The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."
>>
Q: So how does the emperor penguin fix his nest?

A: Igloos it back together
>>
Q. What did James Bond have for dinner?

A. Spyghetti
>>
>>703055834
Oh man i like this one, reminds me of the time i took my cross-eyed bulldog to the vet and once we got to see him, he picked rover up and started examining the back of his eyes.
After a short while the vet turned to me and and in a somber voice he said he'd have to put my dog down. When I asked why he told me it was because he was really heavy.
>>
A little math joke for you here.

A house has been standing empty for a long time.
A car drives past with three people inside it.
One priest, one biologist and one mathematician.
They see two people enter the house (which they know has been empty for a long time).
A little while later three people walk out the door.
The priest, biologist and mathematician all argue about how it came to be.
The priest says it must be a miracle.
The biologist says it must be the fastest reproduction in history.
And the mathematician says that if the third person walks back into the house, then the house must be empty.
>>
>>703055792
A nigger gets out of prison
>>
>>703056281
a /b/tard leaves the house
>>
Q: what has a bottom at the top?

A: a leg!
>>
>>703056173
Nice
>>
What's green and brown, has six legs and will kill you if it jumps out of a tree on you?

A snooker table.
>>
>>703056384
What's big, red, runs on wheels and eats grass?

A bus; I lied about the grass.
>>
What weighs less than a blue elephant?

A light-blue elephant
>>
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>>703055030
Ok ok here comes ze joke

Q: whats ze difference between a pile of ash and a Jew?

A: nothing

Do you understand NOTHING... Der joke of ze year... Kek'd hard as fuck
>>
What do you call it when you crash into the side of a meat truck?

T bone.
>>
>>703056726
I actually giggled because of the way ut was written.
>>
>>703055792
A woman walks out of the kitchen
>>
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>>703055030
>if unenthusiastic hand job had aface this would be it

Holy fucking kek
>>
Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him of Richard Clock, a man convicted of knife raping his wife.
>>
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>>703056924
I laughed because people died
>>
bump
>>
>>703056173
I don't get it pls explain
>>
>>703056173
dont get it, and i love math. :(
>>
>>703057781
>>703057939

If the house was definatly at it's zero point before the two people walked in, then it must be -1 when three people walk out (in the head of the mathematician). So if a person walks back in, then it must be back at zero/empty.

Not a hysterical joke, but i chuckled when my professor told it in class.
>>
>>703057781
>>703057939
its just about having equal sides, if one person inside was considered empty, then having the person come outside would render the number of people inside the house to be -1
>>
>>703058144
this guy gets it
>>
>>703057781
>>703057939

I'm figuring that if the third person was occupying an empty house, they're equal to zero; being inside or outside of the house is analogous to balancing out an equation.

Just my take on it; could be completely wrong.

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: Because it terrifies the dogs
>>
Why doesn't Stevie Wonder see his kids?

Because he's black.
>>
What do you call a fat Asian?

Chunk.
>>
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Vet du varför bladlöss är så små?

För dom har stannat i växten.
>>
>>703058144
>>703058163
yea that isn't very funny. Weird, i've been a math tutor for 3 years, and i never would have gotten that. mfw math tutor and can't figure out math jokes
>>
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A nigger, a sandnigger and a jew had a competition. The goal was to be the first one to hit the ground. Who won?

A)society
B)who gives a shit
Both are correct

Also pic related
>>
>>703058456
At what level are you tutoring?
I'm in an advanced engineering maths course.
>>
>>703056679
nice one
>>
>>703058456
The "fun" part is that it makes fun of mathematicians.
>>
>>703058580
calc 1 and lower, so like up to chapter 5 of the calc book, idk every school seems to use a different book, thats as far as i've been in math. School startin back up in a couple weeks.
>>
Shall i tell a joke?
The cat with a tie.
>>
>>703056141

youre good at telling jakes
>>
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'
'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic.'
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'
>>
>>703055030
Wanna hear a joke?
Women's basketball
>>
>>703058456
>mfw math tutor and can't figure out math jokes

You also cannot figure out what MFW means, clearly. You're on a roll today.
>>
>>703057000
Why can't women ski?
There's no snow between kitchen and bedroom
>>
>>703058863
No Norwegians in this thread who got this one?
>>
>>703059570
elaborate? I've only been on b for 10 years, so maybe you can enlighten me.
>>
>>703059783
I hope this is just bait...
>>
>>703057781
>>703057939
0 + 2 - 3 + 1 = 0
>>
>>703059635
A Fish walks into a Dr s office, the dr instantly says
>I see the problem, dislocated

This works great in dutch
>>
>>703059915
Do ya new fag? why's that? Also, who the fuck are you thinking you can tell people how they can and can't use made up abbreviations for commonly used phrases?
>>
>>703055030
Q: have you ever tried african food?
A: neither have they.
>>
Why did the man smile?

Because he saw a daisy
>>
>>703058144
marry me
>>
How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and another to tell him not to because there's still daylight.
>>
>>703060447
hold the edge little one, so you didn`t know what mfw meant and got caught at it? so what, just chill and no need to pretend to be an "oldfag"
>>
>>703060447
Ok, i'll explain it to you since tou actually seem to be this ignorant.

MFW = My Face When.
A "meme" usually accompanied by a PICTURE that actually shows a FACE (with a fitting expression)

>>703060806

I'll be happy to, but only if you're a femanon though.
>>
>>703062175
what if i'm a "femanon"?
>>
>>703062618
no, ugly crossdressers stay alone forever
>>
>>703062618
Tits or gtfo
>>
>>703062618
This is not me: >>703062839

If you by "femanon" mean anything else than a straight actual female (none of those new fucking things), then i will have to cancel the wedding. If you are a female though then i'll be there.
>>
Someone tell a fucking joke
>>
>>703063098
your life
>>
>>703063029
but i already told all of my family and made plans and all :(
>>
>>703063357
Well i'm an emotionless robot without empathy or conscience, so too bad.
>>
Dark humour is average tier?

Guess dark humour is like food. Not everyone gets it.
>>
>>703063098
>>703063151

fucking god tier
>>
>>703063427
I hope this is bait
>>
>>703063427
so you're just an average man, you heartless monster.
>>
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>>703058505
I'm imaging that pic is her progressive reaction as I'm taking my pants off
>>
>>703059118
i like this.
>>
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Not a joke but an original play on words I thought of the other night.

Say "For China" in an Australian accent.
>>
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>>703059118
Underrated post
>>
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Q: What do you do if you walk in on someone having a seizure in the bathtub?

A: Throw your laundry in.
>>
There were two hats on a hat-stand. One says to the other, you stay here and i'll go on ahead
>>
>>703056312
A redditer has an IQ above 2
>>
>>703063608
Why would it be?
>>
>>703063766
kek
>>
My new favourite sexual position is the JFK. You splatter all over her face whilst she screams and tries to get out of the car.
>>
Why'd the koala fall out the tree?
He dead
Why'd the second koala fall out the tree?
Tripped on the first Koala

Why did the third koala fall out the tree?
Peer pressure.

What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint

What's green and goes up and down?
A pea in an elevator.

Why'd the kangaroo die?
He was hit bybthree falling koalas.

What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in the paint

What's black and looks like a bucket?
The blue bucket's shadow

A man falls out an airplane with his dog. Who hits the ground first?
Three dead koalas and the kangaroo.
>>
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I have a go to that usually makes people lol.

An American man travels to iqaluit, Nunavut and sits at a small local bar. The locals stare and laugh at him in their language. The American announces "hello, I've traveled from America and I would like to become an Inuit like you guys. Will you teach me your ways?"
The locals laugh at him and one decides to bullshit with him and announces, "okay, if you want to become one of us, we will put you through the three steps everyone has to go through to become a man. It is very challenging, are you sure you are ready?"
"Yes!" the American announces eagerly.
"Very well. The first step is to drink a full pint of our strongest moonshine. Then immediately you must go out to the wilderness and find the biggest and meanest polar bear you come across and kill it with your bare hands. Then once completed, make your way into town and find the biggest, ugliest, fattest, ugliest, hairiest woman you come across and fuck her raw in the middle of the street. Only then will we accept you into our culture. Are you still ready?"
"Hell yea," the American says as he downs the moonshine. The alcohol makes him drunk within minutes and he barely staggers out the bar.

A few moments pass and the men in the bar hear an ungodly roaring and unearthly cacophony of limbs being torn, flesh ripped, and blood being spilled in a very violent way. The men are sure the American is dead.

Silence passes and the door of the bar opens suddenly to be greeted by the American covered in blood, his shirt torn, his left arm missing from the elbow down.

And he yells out loud, still drunk, "NOW WHERES THAT BUG UGLY FAT WOMAN IM SUPPOSED TO KILL WITH MY BARE HANDS!?"
>>
>>703056726
actually kekked.
>>
>>703055030
she is a fucking qt 3.14
10/10
>>
>>703059783
if that happend to be true you're at a retardness level which cannot be described with words or numbers. Which would also explain why you didn't get the (bad) joke in the first place.
>>
>>703056173
Each person has a specialty, each with their own way of explaining things.
The Priest "explains it" as a miracle.
The biologist explains it as the fastest reproduction in history.
The mathematician explains it in numbers(sort of). 0 + 2 = 3 isn't really possible, but if you subtracted 1 it would be.
>>
>>703063942
Here's another

A man walks down the beach and sees a rather attractive woman with no arms or legs crying next to the ocean.
"Miss, why are you crying?" the man asks.
"Well you see, I have no arms or legs. And I've never had sex. Will you please have sex with me?"
"Of course not! I have a wife and I also have the decency to not have sex on a public beach!"
"Please sir I'm desperate. I'll pay you!"
"The answer is no and I'm leaving now"
"Sir please all I want is to be fucked."
"Oh okay then," he says, picking her up, and throws her in the ocean.
"NOW YOURE FUCKED!"
>>
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>>703064670
Explain for those of us that are chums.
>>
>>703055030
I bet your nickname around town is Socks because teenagers continuously cum inside you.
>>
Did you hear about the man with amnesia?

Uh, I forget the rest of the joke.
>>
Let's see if some of you will get this physics joke then:

An engineer, a mathematician and a physicist argue about how to measure the volume of a cat.

The engineer says that we can submerge the cat in a water tank and measure the rise in water level.

The mathematician says we can calculate the volume integral over the full body of the cat.

The physicist began with saying: let's assume the cat is spherical and in a vacuum.
>>
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>>703064842
0 + 2 = 2 in the house
2 - 3 = -1 in the house
-1 + 1 = 0 in the house
>>
>>703064670
>>703064842
the third person being removed from the house where there wasn't one means that there are now negative one people in the house when three people leave the house. it's just applying the negative integers to something that doesn't have a use for them
>>
>>703065452
Your joke was a frog holocaust anyway.
>>
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>>703065452
Nope, I just shredded that frog without understanding anything better.

Sorry 'bout your frog bro.
>>
>>703065433
the joke is that the physicist is completely detached from reality and makes it overly complicated?
>>
A truck driver is making his usual haul when he sees another bug rig on the side of the road with a ton of penguins gathered. The busted down truck's driver flags him down.

"Please sir, I have to get these penguins to the zoo! They offered me 5000 bucks for the job. I'll give you 3000 if you get them to the zoo!"

The truck driver is skeptical, as he has his own delivery.

"Fine take the full 5000! Just get these penguins to the zoo!"

The driver complies, loads the penguins and is on his way.

Eventually the other driver gets his truck fixed so he decides to head to the city and check out the penguins at the zoo. When he's passing through downtown he sees the truck driver who was supposed to deliver the penguins. He saw him crossing the street, and behind him a row of penguins were also crossing.

The driver honks and sticks his head out the window. "Hey shithead! I told you to take em to the zoo!"

The other man yells back, "I did, asshole! There was money left over so now we're going to the movies!"
>>
>>703055030
What is the best part about raping a 9 year old?
.
.
Watching her break down on the witness stand.
>>
>>703065712
No. If you have ever taken a physics course then you know that all problems in physics are very simplified versions of reality, otherwise the problems would be way too difficult.

Usually you substitute a car or a person with a pointmass, cube or a sphere. And we usually overlook air resistance which explains the vacuum.
>>
>>703065712
>>703065912
I'll add that it's not a "fun" joke, but it's mildly amusing if you know some physics.
>>
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>>703065433
fucking gold

saved

Here's a squirrel that's also spherical and in a vacuum
>>
>>703058836
no wonder you don't get the joke, thats elementary school shit
>>
>>703065433
Is funny cause first two are methods while the third is a theory. I kek'd but maybe for the wrong reason...
>>
>>703055030
What do you call 2 darkies in a sleeping bag?

A twix.

What do you call 2 darkies in a sleeping bag that you have just thrown in the river?

A drifter
>>
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>>703056173
we started out with the assumption that the house was empty, so when three people walked out, the mathematician's ticker went to -1. So if you add 1 to -1, you end up with an empty house.

Also this is fucking great.
>>
>>703055312
Wat
>>
>>703058836
I've taken all the calc classes, and I thought it was funny.
>>
>>703060068
Dat heb je goed verneukt maat.
>>
>>703056496
What has four wheels and isn't funny?

The Holocaust. I lied about the wheels.
>>
>>703059118
Kill yourself
>>
>>703066559
>>703058836
this isn't calculus fucknut
>>
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>>703063679
>>
>>703063766
>>703063893
Samefag
>>
>>703066773
Yeah I know; somebody said that since that tutor anon was in calc that he wouldn't have gotten it, because he was too advanced.

I'm further along the math road than him and I think it's funny.
>>
I guess no one is going to rate any jokes here??

I'll post another

A barber was giving a police officer a haircut. The officer went to pay and the barber insisted that he doesn't pay, since he locked away the man who robbed his store the other week. The next day the barber saw a dozen donuts outside of his shop when he opened up.

Later that day the barber was giving a priest a haircut and when the priest came to pay he insisted that this one was free since he does so much for his community. The next day the barber found a dozen bibles outside of his shop.

Later that day a freeloading fast food worker was getting a haircut and when he went to pay the barber said to not worry about it, since he made him his breakfast that morning. The next day when the barber went to open his shop, he saw a dozen other freeloaders waiting for their free haircut.
>>
>>703063766
That's not funny my aunt died having a seizure in the bath.
>>
>>703067029
Did she drown?
>>
r/jokes
r/funny

your are welcome
>>
>>703067029
I bet you were shaken up after the incident

i know she was
>>
>>703067071
No, she choked on a sock
>>
>>703066464
you don't get it or?

is not funny though, maybe if you're 5
>>
>>703055030
What's the difference between jelly and jam?

I can't jelly my cock down your throat.
>>
>>703067232
i can
>>
>>703067137
I get it. It's just, yanno, not good
>>
>>703067125
Kek
>>
>>703056109
Oh fuck
>>
fucking kek'd at this:

Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm are in a car. They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
>>
>>703056924
i keked bc its so stupid its great
>>
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYH2T4XBIjY
>>
>>703067403
I actually laughed out loud for the first time in a while to this one. Great joke!
>>
How did Hitler tie his shoes??????

IN LITTLE NAZISSSSSS kekekekekek
>>
I saw a bumper sticker saying: "I am a veterinary surgeon, therefore I drive like an animal." Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists and proctologists there are on the roads.
>>
>>703067403
What would happen if Tankred and Ohm met in battle?
>>
>>703067403
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture
with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest
possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep
into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A
circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of
infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around
the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around
the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little
thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I
define myself to be on the outside!"
>>
>>703066279
>>Is funny cause first two are methods while the third is a theory. I kek'd but maybe for the wrong reason...
> let's assume the cat is spherical and in a vacuum.

that's not a theory

it's an assumption
>>
What do black people and bicycles have in common?

They both can't function without chains
>>
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If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.
>>
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>>703067923
>>
>>703065712
Actually it's the opposite. It's fun because theoretical physicists simplify everything
>>
>>703067848
It's great how people of different intelligence levels can enjoy jokes in different ways though...
>>
>>703068330
having taken a basic physic course != intelligence
>>
>>703065433
>assume

You shouldn't assume, because you are making an ASS out of both U and ME.
>>
>>703068460
It was sort of a joke. But if you were to take the normal distribution of the IQ of all people in the world. Don't you think those with a basic or higher understanding of pgysics would be over-represented in the top half?
>>
>>703068805
best in the thread
>>
>>703055030
>>703055030 (OP)

Three travelers get captured by tribesman. The tribesman said they will let them live if they can pass their test. Tribesmen told the three travelers to go into the jungle and find one fruit to bring back. So off they went.
The first man comes back with an orange. The tribesman told him to stuff the orange in his ass. If he does it without making a sound for one minute he will get to live.
The first man made a sound out of pain. Tribesman kills him and he goes to heaven.
The second man comes back with a grape and was told to do the same thing. The secondman easily puts the grape up his anus but started laughing towards the end of the minute and the tribesmen kills him and goes to heaven.
The first man in heaven asks the second man in heaven what had happened. He was so close to living. The second man said he saw the third man come back with a pineapple.
>>
A nigger is like a bike, without a chain they wont work.
>>
>>703068886
>Three travelers get captured by tribesman. The tribesman said they will let them live if they can pass their test. Tribesmen told the three travelers to go into the jungle and find one fruit to bring back. So off they went.
>The first man comes back with an orange. The tribesman told him to stuff the orange in his ass. If he does it without making a sound for one minute he will get to live.
>The first man made a sound out of pain. Tribesman kills him and he goes to heaven.
>The second man comes back with a grape and was told to do the same thing. The secondman easily puts the grape up his anus but started laughing towards the end of the minute and the tribesmen kills him and goes to heaven.
>The first man in heaven asks the second man in heaven what had happened. He was so close to living. The second man said he saw the third man come back with a pineapple.
Three travelers get captured by tribesman. The tribesman said they will let them live if they can pass their test. Tribesmen told the three travelers to go into the jungle and find one fruit to bring back. So off they went.
The first man comes back with an orange. The tribesman told him to stuff the orange in his ass. If he does it without making a sound for one minute he will get to live.
The first man made a sound out of pain. Tribesman kills him and he goes to heaven.
The second man comes back with a grape and was told to do the same thing. The secondman easily puts the grape up his anus but started laughing towards the end of the minute and the tribesmen kills him and goes to heaven.
The first man in heaven asks the second man in heaven what had happened. He was so close to living. The second man said he saw the third man come back with a pineapple.
>>
>>703058297
Best one so far.
>>
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>>703063504
>>
>>703065433
The joke is this: when you're trying to figure out a theory for something, you start with the simplest case you can. That usually means you're imagining it to be spherical and in a vacuum. So when we study physics and we learn a new theory, it's always perfectly spherical and in a vacuum.

I remember it because this is how we got told that joke. A is teacher B is me.

A: what percentage of the Suns energy does a human absorb?
B: uhh shit what's my surface area in contact with sun? Shit uhh I dunno
A: just assume you're flat and spherical and facing the sun, 0.6m radius.
B: wtf mate?
A: what does it matter? We just want to know what it is in theory, don't you know that joke?

So yeah. Physics humour.
>>
>>703068722
They would, but not because of a direct correlation between those two. Rather because of a common cause (better family background and education).
>>
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how long does it take for a black women to take a shit ?
9 months
>>
what did the hot dog say after winning a race?

i'm the wiener
>>
Why did they kick the elephants off the beach?
They couldnt keep their trunks up
>>
>>703056173
>>703058144
>>703064670
This proves math is retarded
>>
>>703069878
Math is in fact very easy. All the steps in every calculation are completely trivial. It's only when you have to do a hundred trivial things in the correct way that it becomes hard.
>>
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>>703062618
Tits or GTFO
>>
>>703065452
The real joke here is that you downloaded the same pic 11 times
>>
two guys walk into a bar
one has a chicken
then other has a cat
bartender says to them if you don't reply to this post, your mom will die in her sleep tonight
>>
>>703059118
Asians can't pronounce L's in Goldberg
>>
>>703067029
Dead ant------dead ant
dead ant, dead ant,dead ant,
dead ant
>>
Q: What does a Jewish pedophile say?

A: Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?
>>
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A nigger a spic and a white guy walk into a lamp shop. Some weird dude says hey that lamp is special and it has access to a genie. The men buy the lamp and the genie comes out.
>you have three wishes
The spic wants all of his spic people to go back to Mexico
>done
The nigger wants the niggers to go back to Africa
>done
And the white guy just sits there and thinks of what he can get.
>"well since all the niggers and spics are out of America... I'll have a coke"
>>
>>703070707
That's a good one. I'm gonna take that to Tor
>>
>>703058355
Min neger.
>>
>>703055030
Two little black girls are sitting on a chair to get their photograph taken. The younger one is fidgeting around. The older says "Sit still girl, cain't you see Daddy want's to focus?" Little girl says "Both of us?!"
>>
>>703056109
A burger and your sister.
>>
>>703055030
Im walking with this girl through the woods, its really dark, she turns to me and say "man this is really scary". I look back at her and state "if you think this is scary, i have to walk back alone."
>>
Why do women wear make up and perfume?

Because they're ugly and they stink
>>
>>703055030
Two guys walking down the street see a dog licking its dick. One guy says "Man, I wish I could do that".

The other guys says "You can but you'd better pet him first".
>>
How long does it takes a black woman to take out the trash?
9 months
>>
>>703072578
10/10
>>
>>703058144
Stupid fucking joke. It had been standing empty a long time doesn't mean it was empty when they drove by.. If they weren't there all of the time they would have no way of knowing if it was empty
>>
>>703073079
Not getting how jokes work, do you?
>>
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How do you titfuck a nine year old?

Break her shoulders
>>
Why do Mexicans never have Sex Ed and Drivers Ed on the same day?

They have to give the donkey a rest sometime
>>
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A few of my favorites:

"A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, bartender says "hey, whered you get that that thing? Parrot says "Africa theres millions of em"

A rabbai and a priest are walking down the street when a little kid walks in front of them. Priest says "man i really wanna screw that kid." Rabbai says "outta what?"
>>
>>703064711
Her name was Sandy.

After he threw her in her name was Bob.
>>
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>>703067125
>>
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>>703058355
En gång var jag ute och fiskade.

Sen nappade det.
>>
>>703067075
>your are

Replied/10
Nice bait
>>
>>703066464
You're retarded
>>
>>703066922
replace freeloader with politician and now this is the better version of this joke
>>
>>703066922
Thanks for the joke. Did your trump voting racist draft dodging fat patriot uncle tell you that?

Only funny if you believe in commies and think universal healthcare is dumb, right?
>>
Why were the kids at sandy hook disappointed?
They wanted books, but all they got were magazines
>>
Why are orphans not good at baseball?

They don't know where home is
>>
>>703075464
someone's mad
>>
>>703058297
kek
>>
Q. What do Black people name their kids after?

A. Things they can't afford... Diamond, Mercedes, Lexus, Bentley..
>>
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>>703067923
never seen a bicycle stealing a black man
>>
>>703063151
kekd
>>
>>703063151
lost at this one
>>
>>703064711
lost
>>
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>>703067097
kek
>>
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>>703067802
actually laughed at this one
>>
A girl wanted to go to a party, but before she had to ask permission from her dad who is a pervert.
>Girl: Dad, can I go to a party?
>Dad: Only if you suck my dick.
As she wanted to go to a party, she started sucking and suddenly stopped
>Girl: Dad, your dick tastes like shit
>Dad: That's because your brother also wanted to go to the party.
>>
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. But people from Abu Dhabi Do.
>>
>>703079121
Why did I chuckle so heartily at this?
>>
>>703076487
Phone Bill
>>
>>703058456
Mate I feel bad for you, because if you didn't get that one after looking for 5 seconds your students must be special ed.
I wouldn't be able to teach special ed, good on you.
>>
a toast,,
you a ms dish,or a mrs dish?
>>
My life
>>
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>>703070289
LOST HARD
>>
Arab arrives late for airport check-in.
- Gimmie zer tik't !!!
- Sex ?
- 1, soomtime 2 tiem a week
- No no ... I mean Men, Women ?
- Ahhhrh.... Men, Women, Camel ...
- OH DEAR
- NO NO NO, DEAR RUN TOO FAST
>>
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>>703080822
check'd
>>
Teenage sexy girl goes to a restaurant.
She is 16 and at the peak of puberty.
Nice tits, golden ass, preteen look.
Just left her BF's house and about to meet another Football CAPITAL boy, hoping to have her TEEN pussy fucked.
They go to restaurant.
She orders a soup, he a BIG CHICKEN.
She starts to slowly finger her pussy under the table, while he indulges the BIG CHICKEN.
She smells the soup.
Tastes ...
SNAP!
SHE GOES MAD...
- WAITER ; WAITER ; WAITER PLZ COME
(2 min of crazy bitch shouting)
He arrives.
WHATS HAPPENED ?
You now... I am ashamed to say this but ....
YES ?
This soup .... this soup smells like a cock ...
TRY EATING WITH THE OTHER HAND


KEK'D HARD
>>
>>703059118
hall of fame
>>
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>>
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>>
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>>703059997
Beautifully fucking illustrated
>>
>>703066743
Found the jew
>>
>>703055030
(Vasque Country)

- Hey, Patxi, you parked your car bad! You're gonna get a fine!

- Don't worry, Iñaki, it's going to explode!

(you can substitute Patxi and Iñaki for Mohamed and Abdul)
>>
Q: If I had a rooster, and you had a donkey, and your donkey attacked my rooster and ate his legs, what would we have?

A:. Two feet of my cock in your ass.
>>
What is black, has eight legs and makes woman scream?

Gang rape
>>
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>>703055030

Q; who are the worlds fastest readers?
A: 9/11 victims, they went through 80 stories in 10 seconds
>>
>>703067403
+1 internet
>>
>>703065815
oooooooooooooooooooooooo
>>
>>703070707
Das...funny repeating digits anon
>>
>>703075464
oooohh this nigga is offended
>>
>>703058355
Vet du hvorfor svensker har så store nesebor? Fordi de har så store fingertupper.
>>
>>703055030

My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter, but I'm on a roll now.
>>
>>703086970
Guy with a false timber eye has no luck with the ladies, and is down in the dumps.

His friends bring him along to a party to cheer him up.

In the corner stands a girl with a scar right down her face, from where it was split in half.

His friends help him pluck up the courage to go and ask her for a dance, stating "She has something off about her, you have something off about you - Go for it!"

So he walks on over, and says "Would you care for a dance?"

She squeals "Wouldn't I?"

He says "Fuck off, cunt face."
>>
A muslim colleague of mine was working with me on the 30th floor as we're doing repairs to a building.

All of a sudden he slips, but I manage to grab his hand just in time. He's now hanging 30 storeys up by just my grip on his hand and he's begging me to help him.

"Will you eat my bacon roll if I promise to help you?" I ask him.

"Yes, yes of course I will" cries my colleague.

So I let him go. I ain't having a muslim steal my bacon roll!!!
>>
>>703086358
Omg,this made me laugh so hard! ! Top fucking kek anon. Oh wait, no...no it didn't, this was completely fucking gut wrenchingly shit. You should probably kill yourself before you accidently reproduce.
>>
Q: why are jews' noses so big?
A: because air is free
>>
>>703087564
Maybe on your head this makes sense, but your chronic autism has completely destroyed any hope of you actually iterating it in a way that makes sense to any other human on the planet. Life inside your tomb like mind must be so dark and lonely.
>>
>>703088485
It's an old joke, newfag.

Wouldn't I = Wooden Eye

He takes it as an insult and says "fuck off cuntface" because her face is split.

To be fair it requires more than two brain cells to get the joke.
>>
>>703087628
Nope.
>>
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>>703086223
>>703086970
>>703087628

TOP KEK
>>
>>703055030

Enthusiastic handjobs are my fetish. This is the hottest thing I've ever seen. Even hotter if she checks her texts while doing it.
>>
>>703085885
Ba dum. Cheesssh!
>>
>>703070257
xd
>>
>>703087564
>WOODEN EYE
>FUCK OFF CUNTFACE

my sides
>>
>>703088485
>mfw you don't get the joke and call others autistic
>>
I got one as well

A blonde and brunette are in the elevator. Brunette frowns, turns to the blonde and asks "Why does this elevator reeks of cum"
Blonde frowns back and yells "What, can't a lady burp from time to time?"
>>
>>703088711
Yes, yes. Good boy. (Can someone who speaks autist translate this for me please?)
>>
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>>703055030
>>
>>703088485
>Life inside your tomb like mind must be so dark and lonely.

And you just walk around all day without getting beaten for being such a glorious faggot.

The world has gone to shit then.
>>
>>703088485
>on your head
>life inside your tomb mind

best joke in this thread tbqhfamalam
>>
>>703056141
>>703058948
I read this as Rodney Dangerfield. Total win my friend.
>>
>>703089251
SY YWE YES
>>
>>703055940
I love a good pun.
>>
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>>703089160
>arguing with anons online because you missed the joke

WEW LAD
>>
What would you call the flintstones if they were black?
...niggers
>>
>>703072022
kek
>>
What did the owl say to his wife when they were signing the divorce papers?

I'm not gonna pay you any owlimony.
>>
How do you find a nigger?

Guilty.
>>
>>703055792
A nigger goes to a store and buys something
>>
what makes 9/10 people happy?

gang rape
>>
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>>703059118
No that's a good joke.
>>
This is my favorite 2 line joke of all time:

What did the Mexican say when 2 houses fell on him?
Get off me homes.
>>
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>>703062175
It's not a fucking meme you dill hole. It's just a reaction face photo... go back to fucking reddit.

Fucking christ that explanation made me cringe.
>>
>>703090327
Also:
What do niggers and sperm have in common?
Only one in a billion actually work.
>>
>>703090456
i said meme with the lack of a better word. Thats why i wrote "meme"
>>
>>703090474
Also:
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
>>
>>703062175
You're a special kind of retarded. Apparently you've never seen mfw i have no face.
>>
Okay

So a new pharmacy shop opens in town. This guy walks into it to get some ointment for his elbow pain and sees a strange device in the corner. The guy walks to the device and reads "Advanced urine analyser - insert a urine sample and receive accurate diagnosis in 2 minutes."
The guy goes to the toilet, pisses in the cup, inserts the cup into a slot, inserts a couple of quarters and in two minutes the machine prints out a diagnosis. "You have a tennis elbow - try jacking off a little less."
"HOLY FUCK! The machine works! Wait...I wonder" The guy runs back home, quickly gathers the family and and orders everyone to piss in the bottle. He scoops a big scoop out of his dog's turd, jacks off one time for good measure and mixes it all into one sample. He runs back to the pharmacy store and quickly inserts the sample and the quarters. In 2 minutes the machine prints out the answer.
"Your dog has worms - give him some worm pills. Your son is using drugs - put him into rehab. Your daughter is pregnant - give her and abortion. Your wife is pregnant as well - you're not the father. And if you keep jacking off your tennis elbow will never heal"
>>
>>703090699
Retarded maybe. I bet my retardation is what gives me straight A's in my engineering studies.
>>
>>703090566
>you didn't use the meme arrows
>>
>>703090905
Rollingtumbleweed.gif
>>
>>703067403
saved
>>
>>703091221
>>
>>703091075
"The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood. Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact."
>>
>>703075464
I'm a lefty, liberal, European, 'free' healthcare loving, as-close-to-being-a-socialist-without-actually-subscribing-to-it hippy and I found it funny.

It's a fucking joke.
>>
>>703070070
and they actually did it, those attention whoring sluts
>>
>>703091431
Ok then, i got one B. I fucking lied, sue me.
>>
>>703091666
Kek and checked. Those satanic trips, I did inspect.
>>
>>703067445
the black woman joke was fucking great.
>>
>>703055030
Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman running away from the police.
Englishman finds three sacks, and tells the other two to get in one.
Copper comes over and find the sack with the Englishman in it, and prods it with his night stick
"Quack! Quack!", says the Englishman.
Content, the copper prods the Scotsmans bag
"Oink! Oink!" says the Scotmans
Satisfied, the copper prods the Isishmans bag
"Potatoes!"
>>
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>>703055792
>>703056281
>>703056312
>>703063847
>>
>>703089160
you have got to be the most retarded person I've witnessed posting today.... holy fuck....
>>
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>>703073744
oh Man that is bad. But it reminded me of something a father (not mine) and a teacher told me at a bachelor party.

> Why are ten year old boys better than girls?
Because you can just flip them over and then they are girls.
>>
>>703058355
Gig dug dag van nistelroy gag dub. Nut a reul cuntri
>>
>>703065714
Why did I laugh
>>
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>>703092332
HAHAHA.... I'm an amerifag and this was even funny as shit to me.
>>
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Little Lindsay was out driving with her mom when a really big dildo suddenly slammed across the window.
Little Lindsay: ”What was that?”
Mom: ”Ehm… a really big insect”.
Little Lindsay: ”Wow, it had a really big cock”.
>>
>>703063942
top fucking kek
>>
>>703073987
keked
>>
>>703055030
What's brown and Sticky?

>A stick.
>>
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What do you call a post?
Nigeria not swoop da doop
>>
I'm addicted to my prescription lenses. I realised it was becoming a problem when I couldn't see life without them.
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