/b/ please help. what do I do?
>be me 19
>live on campus
>keep mostly to myself but have a few friends I talk to here and going to classes keeps me sane
>the last two weeks were mid semester break
>everyone goes home leaving only a few people scattered across campus
>my entire dorm minus one guy and his girlfriend who also keep to themselves are gone
>through the first week I just masturbated and surfed /b/ a lot.
>barely sleep at all
>start trying to entertain myself
>walk around naked as a thrill
>wank a couple of times into the kitchen sink
>harmless fun really
>2 days ago I was walking around the dorm and found the key to some sluts room in one of bathrooms under this pot thing
>people leave their keys places so they don't lose them on nights out
>everyone with a brain took them when they went home
>go into her room
>holy fuck /b/ I don't need to tell you I had a fucking field day
>no computer or anything or even a dildo which was sad but plenty of panties for me to bust a load in
>bring my laptop down into her room and set up
>have marathon wank session on /b/ and /gif/
>put her g strings into a pile and cum on them
>that night I took a bunch of meth I had and went back there
>was out of my fucking mind and ended up on really weird porn
>get an idea in my methed out mind
>take a huge shit onto her bed
>chicken out and don't wank with it
>get most of it cleaned up but it's smeared into the bed sheets
>after that I walked like 4 hours to McDonald's and back then went to bed
>didn't really sleep just had those vivid half dream half thinking things you get on uppers
>it's Sunday night now. People started getting back before I woke up.
>no idea if the girl is back yet
>haven't left my room today because I'm terrified
>I don't think I closed her door and I still have her key
>I haven't heard anyone freak the fuck out yet. So I think most people aren't coming back until tomorrow.
Wot do? Please help fix my shit
>What with sexual freedom and all that shit people love now?
Tell them you brought your dog into the dorms and she left hers unlocked. You tried to clean up doggo's nervous shit and missed a few spots. You'll get bashed for having animals in the building but that's it
Yeah, it'll work, as long as you can prove you have a dog. It won't explain the undergarments, assuming you haven't cleaned those up yet
Also, morphine is better than meth and you don't lose your mind
Go to grill, say you were DRUNK, maybe say your friends put you up to it, apologize profusely, offer money for damages. 50/50 she doesn't flip shit and keeps quiet, other 50 is she still gets some authority, rendering you fucked.
If you have any bros lying around get some "witnesses"
If you've left anything in there that can identify you, you are completely fucked. If not, keep quiet, ditch the key and act ignorant. Not much else you can do. Based on what you've said, you'll get away with it if you keep your cool. Also that's badarse as hell, would have a beer with/10.
>locks self in room
>land in infinitely more shit
Naw, OP, you gotta do something. 1% chance of survival is better than 0%
Unless you an hero, but that seems extreme
Go to administration or some shit and say you say some really dodgey homeless looking guy run out of the building and dropped the key as he ran off. They'll think some creep brown in and did it unless they have security cameras
If you get questioned on it, you need to present your best case possible. If campus security comes in and your room is in complete squalor they will suspect you immediately. Get your room looking spotless like your not a psycho, as normal looking as possible.
If nobody noticed you going in there LAY THE FUCK LOW. There's no good reason to take the heat for something stupid as this if there was no real damage done. Get rid of the key.
The police could probably identify you by the cum, if they wanted to (and are contacted).
Could you maybe make up some homeless guy who broke into the dorm? Fake some evidence and you will be fine, if you are suspected.
You're golden then. Act cool, don't act all reserved in front of your roomies or else it will reflect suspicion back on you. Chill out and do stuff in the common room with other people and act ignorant. This is coming from someone who lived on campus for 1 year (before moving into a shared rental), and I tormented the fuck out of my entire dorm. Did drugs constantly, crow bared doors open to steal booze, terrorized the shit out of random people, walking around on shrooms at 2am. Play this cool and you WILL get away with it.
I'm not sure about murrican laws, but here in yurop the police can't just come over and demand a dna sample. If there's no reason why they would suspect you anyways.
There are people out there who don't enjoy living in dirt. I know it's hard to comprehend, but these people actually keep their shit sorted and clean.
Fucking weird . right?
Maybe like a torn up piece of clothing that a hobo would wear, or you could just take the panties put them in a bag go some where like 10 mins away and throw them out. Someone would be less pissed that someone stole their underwear than that someone came in them
>the last two weeks were mid semester break
bit early for that don't you think?
The police aren't going to DNA test a whole dorm full of people. Half of them have rich parents who would shit themselves at the invasion of privacy and sue, and the police know this. Don't go saying anything or making up stories it won't work. Remember they have nothing on you at this point. Absolute ignorance is the best game plan. A simple "I have no idea" is what you should be working with here.
I'd add to that that even if the door's open, it'll take you like what, thirty seconds at most to lock it, and another thirty seconds at most to put the key back. All you need is a minute where people aren't around.
I've heard of three sheets to the wind, but three shits to the sheet?
>be me 19
>my entire dorm minus one guy and his girlfriend who also keep to themselves are gone
So the one single weirdo who was still there did it. Or do you want to claim that "the homeless guy" made this thread to make you the suspect when someone from your campus sees this?
Anybody got a good idea of how to sneak into a girl's room and hide somewhere while she has sex? I'd like to listen
It looks obvious someone was in the room if the door's unlocked and the key's not in its usual place. By leaving everything as it was beforehand the shit stains could be attributed to something else like a leak from the roof/floor above.
Relax man, they have nothing on you at this point. Anyone could have got that key, she could have left for the holidays with the door open. Don't put the key back, that will prove it was someone who lives in the building. Ditch the fucking key and tidy your room. If you're that worried, put a photo of a random girl in a frame in your room and hang a local sports team banner on your wall. You must become as normal as possible. Second you start lying about seeing a homeless guy or something in there they will immediately know it was you. Any anime posters must be removed. You sound like you are going to fuck yourself over with obvious lies at this point.
Hahaha holy fuck just dump her sheets in your dorms washing facilities at like fucking 3 or 4 in the morning. Quickly replace hers with yours then live out the remainder of your dorm life sleeping in your own shit, godspeed you funny but fucking retarded lad
as long as you shut the fuck up and don't sperg out, nothing's gonna happen you fucking retard
of course, we all shit and fap everywhere on a campus
seriously, like i said a few minutes ago : shut the fuck up and throw away the key. if someone asks you if you're responsible, just say you weren't here everyday. that's pretty simple.
No, bu seriously just act completely ignorant. The only proof it was you is that you were one of the only people in the building over the 2 weeks, but how do they know it wasn't somebody from a different set of dorms who broke into your set of dorms, and into the girl's room?
I've sucked dick at a glory g
Dude you are one of the three suspects, even if you didn't leave anything you would still be the primary suspect.
Go back if you can and remove those bedsheets and probably other cum stained clothes from her room and get rid of them.
Then lose the keys.
I know this might sound ridiculous at this point, but calm down. Panic won't get you anywhere. If you claim ignorance you won't have a problem. After all all you did was open a door and make a room dirty - even for perverted reasons this isn't a THAT big deal. People will wonder who did it and there will probably some sort of investigation, but as long as you don't admit you did it there's no way they can get you, so calm down.
Also don't try to do the policemens work by giving them fake evidence - if they find out it's fake they will of course heavily suspect you. If someone confronts you just tell him you learned in your room and watched a bunch of movies in your room. Make up a precise story about what movies you watched, what you ate, and learned.
it would be really nice to know if there log the internet traffic...
the couple watching eat pray love and the guy watching scat movies...
dude you're fucked, you act like they wouldnt have some sort of cameras in the hall ways and that she couldnt jsut ask the RA who the fuck was here during the break... especially since you still have the key retard
While there's a whole lot of shit in CSI miami that doesn't work, this does surprisingly well.
dont panic dude. get rid of the panties and the dirty sheets. everything is better than stuff covered in cum and shit. she will get home and would wonder about there sheets are gone...
get rid of the key and the meth. and. never. do. meth. again. you.fucking. moron.
and then: profit.
>somebody broke into my room, pooped on my bed, came on my panties and stole 500$ i put on my desk! Must have been sexually motivated, therefore it's pretty much rapem therefore it's pretty much murder,
The first link on google says such a test costs 100 bucks, that means the police can do it for cheaper.
There doesn't seem to be anyone around. I'm gonna sprint in and rip off the blankets and grab the panties. 20 seconds in and out. Then I'll run straight down to the toilets and into a stall where I'll fold everything a bit neater and walk calmly to the laundry.
Wish me luck lads
just put game of thrones season 6 episode 10 on repeat then when they walk in to question you its like you have marathoned game of thrones for the last week and then you can talk about how 'such a good show' and its like nothing ever happened and if they dont want spoilers they have to btfo. ez
>girl enter the room
>that smell... someone took a shit in my bed, did they take something ?
>There is cum on my panties...
>hear a noise at the door.
>grab a knife
>OP comes in, grab the panties
>never liked that guy anyway
>stab him to death.
You will be missed.
Alright lads everything is washing as we speak. I didn't get a picture I left before I saw the messages.
I had to lock myself in her room with the light off for a few minutes because I heard people nearby. Literally almost had a heart attack.
Fuck I hope she doesn't come back randomly before I get everything dry and back into her room
The risk of getting caught is getting bigger by the second. As you said people are coming back in.
Someone stealing her stuff seems a lot less bad than someone shitting and cumming all over her stuff.
Put the key back and get rid of the rest.
OP keep it simple, bring sheet and panties to your room, keep panties if you are sure no one will find them, throw out the sheet outside of campus. Dont go back in here room, put kee back where you got it.
why the fuck did you wash them for if you're going to throw them away ?
It's going to be great when you go to your car and you meet your mates with a bunch of panties and sheets.
Do this anon
If somebody finds out if was you and calls you for a talk - get a bunch of womens clothing and makeup
Put them on. Go and have a talk. If anyone mentions they think it was you - tell em they are just saying that because you're a trans-scat-genderfluid-asexual feminists and that you were only called you because of discrimination. If they don't back off - call the local news and tell em you got a discrimination privillege case here. You'll be fine OP.
DNA is a thing. If it looks like a weird sex shit explosion, and it does, they'll probably want to track the cummer down, so to speak.
So yeah, get all soiled stuff and burn it.
we have to keep this thread alive until he's back
loel is the same for me
Campus living sucks anon. It's not just you. The only friend I made was my roommate, because everyone else as far as I can tell was a fucking idiot. I'm not even autistic or a social retard. I just didn't get the drinking and the puking every other night.
ITT: fucking retards
Nobody is gonna know who it was, the police aren't gonna be running DNA tests on somebody's shit, that's a waste of time. Just keep your mouth shut and nobody will know. People are acting like this is a fucking crime drama TV show, you have nothing to worry about
He has nothing to be worried about regarding cops, but maybe he doesn't want everyone to know he is the kind of guy that goes in girls room when they aren't here a fap with his own shit while watching scat vids.
>doesn't want everyone to know
>post on /b/
i just have to know how it ends.
Throw away everything OP, dont try to put them back in. If they have cameras, and you get questioned you could always say you had too many beers and walked in her room but dont remember much else. If they search your room you should be fine. Act normal and you're good to go
alright heres what you do
>go back to the room
>take more shits
>sit on the bed
>wait for gril to come home
>convince her this is normal
>shit in her vagina while shes wearing your cum panties
>9 months later
>turd semen babies
Embarrassing, but yits up to you to not flip out. Have to accept things like that about yourself if your ever going to have any peace. Also, you've been up for too long. Get some sleep before you really fuck up.
OP, the solution is simple. adopt a free cat from a local shelter and lock the cat in the room. also put a food bowl and water dish out so the girl will think it is some stupid prank someone tried to pull.
How can they confirm that you were there over the whole break? Drive in the direction of someplace far, and get a few receipts on your way back, gas, food, hotel, whatever. Then use them as proof that you went somewhere and just came back. The supposed destination needs to be plausible, but not necessarily confirmable, though. Parents house, the beach, whatever. I doubt that they will go as far as calling your parents to confirm your alabi. It's at most, vandalism.
OP I like your style. Keep truckin' man
OP can steal the panties and throw them away somewhere when he locks the cat in the room
if op takes the cum panties and locks the cat in there with food and water the cat will most likely shit everywhere if it isn't house trained. they will see the brown spot and assume it is a little bit of diarrhea
OP i hope you was wearing some gloves becouse they can track you back by your finger prints
Did she leave any unwashed panties in her hamper? Take a nice long sniff.
We need pics though. If it's a fat chick, just throw all her clothes away. They will assume that her room was burglarized.