god fucking damnit /b/. ive got a possum in my house. and this motherfucker refuses to move out of the tiny little crack he's in. he's currently hiding out behind an old tv and dvd rack that are on the floor. ive left the doors open for him, i've tried not to intimidate the little guy, but he just REFUSES TO MOVE. how do i get this cunt out of my house?
ive been staying still out of its line of sight for about 30 minute intervals, and then checking to see if its in the same spot. at this point im just giving up and going the fuck to bed
maybe my cat will get him
Domesticate him, OP. Give him a name and post regular updates about his health and shit. It'd be fucking epic.
Keep your cat away for sure if you can. You never know when it comes to diseases or just the two animals fighting. It'd suck to have to pay for a wildlife person to come take it out. Do you have any really thick gauntlets around?
nah he's still back there. hasnt moved, and theres still the same amount of nut in the bowl
not all wild animals carry disease, I had a pet wild chipmunk
Yeah. Best to be safe than sorry though. Was your pet chipmunk's name Alvin?
yea, ive got cat food and cashews at the ready for him, unfortunately no apples or fish and im not going to the grocery store for this nigger tonight. maybe tomorrow omw home
oh i just thought i would invite it in for tea, you know be a friendly neighbor
You're fucked OP squatter's rights. That hairy little bitch got you by the balls. Just accept it. Hell, make friends with it. You're gonna have to live with him until his life ceases. Just designate that room the "possum room"
Ultimate autist here:
Get a bunch of stuff you can form a line with (books, laundry hamper, boxes, etc. and create a path leading from the possum to the back door. Line them up so that the possum can't sneak out the sides. Then just push him through the maze with a stick until he's outside your house.
It'd probably run and hide in some other pain-in-the-ass crevice.
I'm starting to think the best thing to do is allow it access to outside and hope it just leaves on it's own.
>inb4 more possums come in and start spawning
Give him a decent prod with something more sturdy. If you have a dark cardboard box or something similar put that on one end of the DVD rack or whatever it is. If you piss it off enough it will run for somewhere else to hide.
Piss it off enough and it will move. I got an echidna off a carpet floor in an office using this method. If you know what their claws are like coupled with the spines. There was no way I was lifting that fucker off the floor or moving it anywhere.
Get a broom or some shit and capture it in a cage, and be the first member of the /b/ space program to send a Possum up into space.
That'll teach the fucker.
You won't coax it out with food. It won't be looking for food until it feels safe. With anon around and the cat. It won't feel safe.
Also all these heroes saying 'just pick it up you pussy' obv never dealt with a wild animal before. Those things will bite, and bite fucking hard.
bruce still has his penis and balls though.
alright, ive got a box here, i doubt it will be enough to actually trap him but i may be able to get him if he settles down inside.
Ignore this faggot OP, do this.>>701659501
Only you can save this from being a cringe thread about some faggot who was too much of a bitch to pick up and throw out a fucking animal.
Found the underage b^
What does pointlessly calling people a "pussy" and shit even accomplish for you? It's not clever. It's not enticing. It's fucking retarded.
Pic related, it's you
Take the fucking food out of the box. Put it on its side. Making sure it is dark. Put a blanket over the top half of the entrance so it looks like it's a fucking dark hidey cosy place to hide. Then start poking the fuck out of it towards the box like you're sticking your cock in Katy Perry. Once its inside the box cover the box with the blanket. Hold tight (because it will flail like all shit) and pick up the box and take it outside. Close door to house and release. Fucking GG
It's simple: Rev up big ass speakers and blast metal at full volume. The little faggot will be so scared that it either falls into shock and you can pick it up and toss it outside or will run for it's life.
maybe you guys dont understand the position this guy is in, i cannot get behind him. if he's still here tomorrow, i'll consider rearranging my living room
We need to start embracing being at the top of the food chain, faggots.
I want OP to win here. No way a rodent is outsmarting a fucking human.
Got any hunting supplies in your house?
Worse case scenario you could slaughter the little shit and just clean up the mess.
1. Capture hans
2. Take caffeine pills grind them down and put them his into food.
3. Release super pissed of hans in neighbors house.
DIY possum trap. I would do the door otherwise though - if you've got some time to blast, a little bit of wood and can saw / drill a few holes you might just catch yourself a life possum soon.
OP doesn't own a gun? Shoot him with small caliber to minimize damage to your floor/wall... even a 9mm would kill it in 1-2 shots at that distance
wear something on your ears because the discharge will be loud as fuck inside your house
He's attempting to say:
"I penetrated the slave with my spear. It was enough to make that bitch attempt to escape my basement; but there is no escape. My pussy did the rest."
You really should call Animal Control and let the professionals handle it. Ole chap.
I hear there are people whose jobs are to remove live animals from one's property
Also typical of americans to turn to authority to solve a problem as simple as a small wild animal in your house. Can't you people take care of yourselves?
something like this - if you hold onto the thread you don't even need to be that good at building shit
I'm laughing but this shit is actually feasible
>All mammals can carry rabies. However, it's actually very rare for possums to carry the disease. This is party because opossums have a slightly below average body temperature, and the rabies virus can't thrive at this lower temp.
>However, it's actually very rare for possums to carry the disease.
ya, see, that article is not referencing this particular breed of murrican opossum tho - this breed survives on a diet of 100% bath salts, knows karate and has a 100% chance of carrying rabies
I'll put a fiver down on "Possum waits for OP to fall asleep. This is a grave decision for OP. Hans proceeds to chloroform OP for good measure, then rapidly penetrates him. Once the possum has had his way, and OP none the wiser, Hans scurries back to his newfound nest behind the TV stand. He has done his job and has spread his seed. For now, he must rest..."
>this breed survives on a diet of 100% bath salts, knows karate and has a 100% chance of carrying rabies
Trips don't lie, OP
Pic related for reference for newfaggots
put a knife on of a stick and poke it, poke it to death!
There is no hope for you kids. Just shoot the fucker and throw it's corpse in the woods. It's a much better death than the one that it would have naturally.
Oh, that's right you little bitches think happy tree friends is real.
You call that a knife? This is a knife.
And it will regurgitate nasty death vomit if you corner it.
Australia is laughing their ass off
Scared of a fucking possum ffs
alright guys, im gonna give this a shot. wish me luck
thats the trap based on >>701661683
now all i have here is cardboard, so im having it where i pull the flap from the bottom to the ceiling.
i know it isnt obvious, but theres about a foot of space in the back, and the ramp isnt all the way to the bottom, so he will step over it and down
took a couple pictures, not sure which one this is but mission success! he is in the box! getting more pictures in a moment
and there he is ladies and gents. Hans Hitler
now im sorry guys, i cant space program, i dont actually have any helium this was a box from when i worked at toys r us. however, im taking suggestions. i will not harm the poor guy, and he will eventually be released back into the wild. anything (within reason) you guys want to see first?
Fuck you faggots who are still demanding a space program!
That's already BEEEN HERE and this board is about BEING RANDOM godfucking shit!
You are the true cancer of /b/ with your serious lack of creativity and imagination.
i had to resize this, may have gone overboard. this is how i got him in the box, just scopped the poor bastard in. once he realized there was no getting away he actually went sort of peacefully
im fucking amazing at this.
Probably been posted before, but:
- Lock your cat out of the room the possum is in
- Open a door
- Go to bed, he'll be gone by morning.
The more you try and force it out, the more its going to wedge itself in there and piss/shit all over your stuff. Soon as its quiet and dark he will try and escape.
yes, this brand contains oxygen.
but here you go guys, a better picture for you
1. Become supreme scientist
2. Find a lethal virus
3. Release it into the world
4. Be the only one knowing the cure
5. Dominate tha world.
6. Make Hans Emperor of Earth
7. Make some slaves pet it like crazy and call him "his highness"
I'm thinking something along the lines:
>feed hans some sleeping meds (note his kidneys are fucking tiny)
>make is fur red, spray "king" on one side and "hans" on the other in golden letters
>add a little white cape that is fixed arround a small necklace (make it easily breakable in case he's too pissed off about it)
>glue a little plastic crow (obviously golden) onto his hair on his head
>wait till he wakes up and release him in a funny place
DO NOT RELEASE HIM
THIS IS A GOVERNMENT POSSUM
IT IS IMPERATIVE THIS POSSUM BE DELIVERED TO H.R.C. IN WASHINGTON D.C. BY 5:00AM TOMORROW
IF THIS POSSUM IS NOT DELIVERED
pretty fucking boring, he didnt leave the box. so i set it on the ground outside, and will let him do his thing. i'll check back on him in a few hours.he did shit a few times in the box though, he must have been terrified
Well done,. OP
Epic thread and humane treatment of animals. Two feats rarely attained by your average faggot anon.
Worth archiving imo
Someone screencap this thread. Include the space program requests.
Love thy possum-bro!!
They are beneficial and don't carry rabies!
Be gentle with him, little guy is just lost :(
>he just REFUSES TO MOVE
It's probably rabid you stupid cuck. Get a can of your wife's boyfriend's deodorant spray and a lighter, use it as a flamethrower. Do you know how painful rabies treatment is?