Dubs decides what I text this wrong number
Whenever I masturbate, I do a lot of foreplay. I write down "Precum" on a sheet of paper, and stick the pen in my ass. I massage my foreskin and put a grapefruit with the centre hollowed out over my cock until I start leaking. Then I begin the full grapefruiting, stopping when I'm just on the edge. I get on the table, and try to cross out the "pre" on the note with the pen still inside me. The pressure of it being presssed against my prostrate usually causes me to ejaculate all over the note. It reminds myself that I became a better person than before.
I used to masturbate onto birds at a local park. Not a thing that I'm particularly proud of but I became quite good at it. I was taking zinc supplements so I was shooting massive loads and it became something of a sport to me. For anyone interested here is your best strategy. first, you need to find an isolated spot so you don't become a sex offender. I found a short kind of channel area where I saw the pigeons would congregate. Next, you arouse yourself. I was usually content with envisioning the occasional jogging lady coming over and taking a shit on my chest and that was enough to fuel the fire but if you're not as sexually charged as me just take some porn on the go. After you're good an horny, you get some bread. My pigeons preferred white bread but healthier birds might have a taste for honey wheat or maybe even multigrain. Fat, unhealthy birds are slower and easier to hit so remember that. Once you are seated on the bench and ready to do the deed, whip your roosevelt out and scatter bread out within a few feet of you. use your judgement based on how far you know you can cum. I was a lonely and depraved soul who could hit targets the size of a thimble at distances up to 4 feet. You wait for the pigeons to begin eating and to get comfortable with your presence. At this point, you want to coo gently and talk sensually to them to gain their trust. Now you're finally ready to cum on your bird. This is a tough part because the rapid motion of masturbation is very frightening to the birds, so you have to be subtle. Once you master a technique, you simply wind it up and let it go, aiming depending on your past cumming experiences. I always came high so I would aim for the neck of the bird and catch it right in the face. It's an extremely satisfying and erotic feeling, seeing those birds reel around covered in cum and maybe even transporting it to other places in the city.
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
mfw this is a guy and we're about to get a dick
I wish I could end this miserable life I have, but my parents need me for memes and money.
Have you ever had a slimy salamander erupt from a fountain drink right into your throat as you piss down an alleyway filled with koffings thats right koffings from pokemon when I 69'd that an in vancouvor I told them i'd be the man to shine i'd rise and shine i'd be the best there ever was the best the best and shit did you know that my nigger wife sha qay qay humped a fuckin jackel named bruce and bruce was named after my son jamal did you know jamal is a whale and that whales aren't nearly as big as my dick did you know there are so many letters in the alphabet and they all spell nigger because I love jamal and jamal loves me I had a great christmas last year my son got me a toy plane I want to be a plane when I grow up so I can go to the grand canyon and play golf when I grow up I will be the president of sea world and they will call me captain planet
Then how do you expect this to fit white boi