EMBARRASING STORY THREAD
What's your most embarrassing moment /b/?
My freshman year of high school I joined marching band. During summer practice I got my junk exposed twice in one day. I was wearing shorts that were too big so I had to keep pulling them up so they wouldn't fall down. During a break I was standing around in a group of people and another guy came up and depantsed me, boxers and all. That was embarrassing enough. I tied one of my shoestrings through the belt loops so my shorts would stay up on their own. They were still too loose though. Later during another break. I was hanging on monkey bars and this kid who heard about me getting depantsed but wasn't there was apparently jealous and came up and pulled down my shorts, boxers and all, again. That day was probably the most embarrassing day of my life.
You don't need to defend yourself bro, we get the picture. Embarassing stories though hmm. This one time a girl was blowing me and she threw up. I got turkey sandwhich all over my junk. Probably more embarrassing for her tho.
Disgusting pic, OP. This guy has probably never wiped in his life. As a solution to your depantsing problem, I would suggest wearing tighter pants like jeans. Don't be a nigger about it though, sagging is bad.
This does not truly represent reality. If this were real, they would probably be drunk. Even if they were all gay AF, it would still be pretty wierd if he took the spedo off in that situation and looked at it like that. Overall I rate this a 2.3/10 for bad story and bad realism
>biggest kid in class beat me up for some reason I forget
>think about plan to get revenge on him
>get molested by step dad once a week until age 9
>high and drunk
>buddy and I go to kitchen
>no food, only sliced bread
>buddy asks if we should eat bread
>take loaf of bread, start ravenously eating it
>Bread crust falls into drink
>walk around next hour with bread crust in drink
>too paranoid to remove it
>standing still, trying to stay alive
>Girl starts talking to me
>can barely speak
>"Anon, what's that in your drink?"
>big piece of crust still floating in drink
>take soggy, wet bread out and eat it in front of her
>she walks away
>subsitute teacher that day
>really need to take a piss
>teacher being a faggot as usual and doesn't notice my hand
>had to walk like a penguin for the rest of class
>smelled like piss
>worst day of school
I don't think it's a big deal. This is around the lowest I go now.
I was on the swim team in high school. There were only 4 guys on the team, and we we really didn't horseplay like this around each other, but we all had an understanding that the girls loved it when we had boners so we'd be swimming with boners at every practice. The problem though is having boners at swim meets, where parents can obviously see our dicks bulging out of our speedos. Great times.
>still keep in touch with girl I've been "saving myself" for since we were 14
>still convinced I have a shot
>have asked her to be my gf several times, probably around once every 2-3 months
>always "no, stop asking, we're just friends"
>start to think maybe she just doesn't date and wants something more serious
>start going to church with her and her family, act really into it/devout like them
>after a few months, invite her out to dinner at fancy place
>spend around 5000 on a ring
>do extremely awkward/elaborate proposal after the dinner
>she storms out, takes a cab home
>pay bill, sell the ring to a pawn shop, go home and get fucked up on liquor
>start calling her at around 1am crying etc begging her to say yes
>wake up, see that i called her over 20 times until i passed out at around 4am, many more cringey texts
>get a text from her the following afternoon, told me she went to the cops with the phone logs and is getting a restraining order
I never tried talking to her again and I still have never been in a relationship or even gone on a real date at 31, so really my most embarassing moment is my entire life.
>be me 30yo ausfag
>gf in my house while im at work
>"anon why is there videos of a girl taking a piss, on your gopro?"
>creep stash = located
>maximum panic reached.....
>me "thats odd - i think my bro borrowed it last"
>i can tell she isn't buying it
>"are you lying to me anon??"
>me "no baby plz"
>her "i need some time to process this"
Today was the pits.
Ive read some cringey shit in my time but jesus fucking christ. that was just pathetic.
Ive never said this to someone without it being a meme but seriously kill yourself my man.
>playing around, put on diaper, tie self to bed
>home alone, freaking out, have accident in diaper
>sister comes home
>they laugh, call me a freak, ask me if i need to be changed because the diaper is clearly wet.
>they all take pics and videos of it
>finally untie me after about an hour of torment
>sister blackmailed me for months afterward and all her friends referred to me a baby, or diaperboy when we were alone
>sister still mocks me about it to this day
the worst part to me is how in denial I was about the whole thing. Like she'd always be posting these pictures with guys that she was clearly dating/banging when she was off at college, but I just told myself "they must be just friends, she really wants me/is still a virgin too"
>Be socially awkward freshman in high school
>have huge crush on girl I had gym with
>Ask a friend who knows about her on day in class
>he yells "HEY GIRLSNAME THIS GUY WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT YOU"
>Go out of my way to avoid her for the rest of highschool
>Fuck you Nelson
>parents leave house for the day
>start my routine
>30 minutes later
>door swings open
>oh fuck not alone
>my sister standing there looking at me
>can't even speak
>what are you doing, anon?
>n-nothing, what are you doing?
>I walk towards her
>follow her into her room
>take my shirt off, anon
>slowly remove shirt
>my pants too, please
>struggling to remove pants, boner starts quivering
>faster, anon please! I don't have all day
>start fumbling pulling at pant legs
>take my bra off and set it on the bed
>as i remove the bra I'm nervously waiting for the final piece of clothing to be removed, not knowing what will happen next
>boner at full capacity
>you look like you're enjoying this, anon. Do you like this?
>the words I knew that were eventually coming finally came.
>take off my panties
>maximum boner achieved
>standing there not knowing whats going to come next I'm practically terrified
>she comes closer to me
>she calmly but firmly says
>get the fuck out of my room and if I ever catch you wearing my fucking clothes again I'm gonna fucking kill you
I sat at the toilet stall at lunch in hs, someone finally noticed and were all making fu. Of me behind my back. Sad part is they always said hi to me but i was always too pussy to stand. For myself. That's the same with bullies, they had a sort of love/hate relationship with me.
Girls should not piss or take shits, that's only for man.
I got a doozie
>me about 2 months ago
>watching trailer park boys
>bubbles shed get infested with crabs
>me "hmm, I didn't know crabs were that big"
>Google pubic crabs, also pubic crabs treatment
>at work next day, 7/10 milf comes in
>needs help with her cell iPhone
>she asks what phone I use, so I show her my Android.
>be me, 21
>hanging out with a girl I'm into and her friends
>start with lunch at a mexican place, order something really spicy
>spend rest of the afternoon at the mall
>few hours later, start to feel a shit coming on
>they want to go to dinner too, figure I can probably hold it
>didn't want to use a public shitter because they'd know what I was doing from how long I'd be in there
>manage to make it through dinner
>she's driving us all home, I'm clenching my asshole as ha rd as I can
>only about 5 minutes from home, start to relax
>a little shit comes out but I seem to have held the majority back
>she starts sniffing
>start panicking and say we must have driven by roadkill or something
>the talking distracts me from the clenching just enough
>unleash a massive wet shit into my pants
>it's dripping down my shorts legs, all over her seat
>she starts screaming "what the fuck"
>tells me to get out
> I have to call my mom to come get me
and that's how our friendship got ruined, as well as with every other friend she told about it. Just go to the bathroom people, having them know you just took a shit is embarassing but it's far better than standing on the side of the road coated with your own shit
I did the same thing, only replace piss with shit. Fucking teacher wouldn't let me go to the restroom. That happened in 3rd grade and I heard about it nearly once a week until graduation.
why though? im not even saying it as an insult.
you were wearing a fucking diaper then ended up pissing/shitting yourself in it. to top it off you got caught.
that is legitimately autistic
>milf is asking questions like " what are the differences, how did you change the icons.." That kinda shit
>oh anon, what's that search bar at the top?
>"oh that's pretty cool actually, I can search Google right from my home screen"
>tap on search bar to show her
>automatically opens my search history
>Pubic crabs treatment
I was holding my phone in a way that I was directly showing her and she must have seen it, because she looked at me with the most disgusted look.
I was fucking speechless. I started to try and laugh it off and explain the trailer park boys scene and how it lead to me simply being curious and reading bout crabs, but the damage was done.
Family trip to amusement park, I was on one of them two people water rides where you sit on rubber tire looking thing with a person between your legs, so me and my cousin about 25 so 9 years older than me at the time went on it together quite a few times because queue was short. Any way on the first time down I had the thought that her ass was basically touching my dick so I got a boner, I know it was touching her which didn't help kill it and basically each time we went on it the thought got stronger and I took opportunities to rub my dick on her ass/back and when I got off the ride id tuck my boner up. On the third time down I got a bit rough and came all in my swimming trunks and this time she felt the rubbing when we got off the rid she called me over to the side and asked what the hell that was so I panicked and told her all that happened and ran off saying I need to clean up when I came back well she wouldn't even make eye contact with me... and I'm pretty sure she told her sister because she makes pretty obvious jokes about it.
i know that, but I've always been uncomfortable shitting in public when out with friends, even guys, unless they've done it before first. I know it's retarded but whatever, it hasn't been a huge problem since.
>I panicked and told her all that happened
Of all the routes to have taken from that point, this has to be up there with the dumbest.
Maybe you were just going for the one in a thousand chance of wincest.
honestly the trip home with my mom was probably more embarassing than when it actually happened. Just having her drive silently and seeing her occasionally shake her head and asking if i need to see a psychiatrist after, how can this happen to an adult, etc.
>had this toy
>6 yrs old
>bright idea to put it on tip of my penis
>show my grandmother
>"look granny, i'm carnage"!
I'm so sorry grandma, it happened in 98 and i still think about it to this day.
>be me 18
>5am shift in meat dept
>Drank a bottle of sailor jerrys night before
>feel sick, try to fart
>Poop my pants and have to tell my boss whats up, just need to go home and change
>Get home and GF asks why you home already
>Hop in shower real fast, get out and hear gf talking to her mom on phone about how I pooped my pants
>Head back to work everyone in my dept knows i pooped pants
>eh who cares half of them are heroin addicts
>On PC playing Overwatch
>Mum comes in asking how my day was
>Looks at my bed and face turns to disgust
>Realize I left my pink 8" Dildo out
This was yesterday... I haven't left my bedroom since. Also, I'm a guy.
Smoked weed with my friend who is a petite 8/10 qt3.14
We're in the woods
I have to shit
Go behind tree and take massive diarrhea dump
Use my socks to wipe
Pretty embarrassing but ended up fucking her months later
>this kinda ugly girl with really curly hair just dyed it period stain red
>she's also been allowed to start wearing make up
>literally looks like a clown
>i would always call her bozo
>the name sticks and she's picked on for the rest of her time in school.
>she's stuck working minimum wage at a coffee shop
>looks absolutely miserable
I'm so sorry Hannah, i ruined a decent girl's chance at a decent life.
Well that's the thing it was stupid, I think she thought I groped her but then I opened my fucking mouth. Also I used think about it before this happened but should have know there's no way a 25 year old would do anything with a 16 year old cousin.
I was talking to a group of people about star wars and i mentioned how phantom menace was my favorite one, this was their faces
My first girlfriend was the worst
>be me, freshman fag at the time
>ugliest girl in the world I've ever seen thought I was cute
>was cleft, and had flattest nose ever
>dumber than a rock
>if it weren't for those things she'd be a pretty alright person
>start hanging out, thought she was really nice and had a good personality
>see past all the real bad shit about her
>ffw a month later, she's a total bitch to me and she broke up with me because I was talking to one of my close friends that was a girl
she had real big tits though, loved them. I tit fucked her once but it kinda hurt
Moral of the story: don't date mentally ill girls anons
Ig worth mentioning: she wanted to fight me later on because she's a crazy ass bitch, she dragged me off a seat in front of all my friends and people, I did nothing. Looking back I probably should've punched her in the face when she touched me
I would have just gone with it and played it smooth. You could have gotten a proper chance to fuck her in the ass. And also, fuck her for scolding you and treating you like you were 6
I was talking to a group of people about star wars and i mentioned how phantom menace was my favorite one, this was their feces.
I went to a smaller private school, so there weren't many of us on swim (4 guys, 7 girls). Whenever we went to meets, we were always outnumbered by other schools. But that didn't really matter. The smaller size of our team allowed us to become closer. The girls tried hard to make it seem like they didn't mind us in our speedos, but their eyes betrayed them. This in turn made us just hornier and increased the tensions. It was a great experience with fun people. If your school team is chill like that, then join next year. Be warned though, you will be chlorinated for months.
Play smooth as in not tell her or do it again or tell her and then do it again?
Also three thing is I think she'd be open to just be fuck buddies, because she's a shy-is person so all the guys that hit on her are fucking retards or white knights and I'm guessing the fuck like that too. So I'm thinking if I tell her then suggest this.
Haha I've done this, was on a business trip. Me and some work mates all went to this training camp. Drank to much at the hotel, next day were at this river where we have to climb up the waterfalls. Get to top and decide to pull my trousers down and fast on my work mate
I shit all down his arm and leg. He threw up and we all laughed. Good times. A little embarrassing
My school swim team is pretty big, it has the same ratio of guys and girls and there's about 15 of each. Although my friends that don't do sports
>me, only athletic and fit one out of all my friends
find it kinda funny when guys have boners in their speedos
Idk, I've always thought it would be pretty funny to other people especially girls when they see a guys boner in their speedo but ig ill have to find out next year
>17-18 yo at the time
>parents are half across the globe on vac and have house for myself
>plan to have a big ass party with the group i hung out with
(I did allot of drugs atm mainly weed and speed)
>start my usual weekend with some speed
>go to store with group buy loads of beer and liquor
>start drinking and smoking early with team, sometimes sneak out to do a line
>time goes by probably 18:00 something
>the first ppl to arrive is someone I didnt know not informed were comming (3 girls)
>I start bitching that they look like their 15 but best friend vouch and gangs up on me with them claiming their 16/17
>time goes by loads of known ppl and friends arrive including the group i hung out with before i got into drugs
(I've known one of these "clean" guys since kindergarden hes like my brother)
>its late at this point beyond 00.00
>everyone there is fucked beyond recognition
>ppl fucking in my room, my parents room, my brothers room and the bathroom
>Im deep into the buzz of speed, weed liquor and my friend probably handed me a pill at sometime
>ended up in bed with one of the girls that i didnt want there in the first place like 6-7/10
>we get our clothes of and start jamming
>I get it in but its not a full chub, kinda middle of hard and half chub
>Suddenly realise wtf is going on, like a split second of soberness
>burst out in laughter as im fucking her doggystyle
>the motion stops as i continue laughing
>out on my pants and shirt and just walk out of the room, continue to drink
>next day i woke up on the couch with my old best frind on one and and some other cunts around the house
>friend told me he was creeping outside the window watching as i was fucking her from behind laughing
>friend sais that seconds after i left she started crying
>friend tells other friends
>i never hit on girls or had partys again for 2 yrs
<mfv when he told me all that and that she was 15
>hardcore memer xD to the extreme
>tried to use meme punch lines to pick up girls
>bullied rest of school
>it was 5 years ago but it still feels like i have to get up at 7:00 to be ready for school
What's wrong with Overwatch? It's the most fun I've had on any game in about a year.
Yes, I use a dildo. Problem?
I do live with my Parents, I am 21. Housing in Australia is very costly so I am saving up as much as I can before I move out.
>So I was about to drop this in a "secrets thread"
I really like it though. It gives the NSA a more detailed background to feel terrible for when they sell my data.
Not that I had anythings against that, I just like it when people suffer... rightfully.
Ironically I can distinguish those who suffer by themselves and those who are helped.
But you must decide for yourself. I decide to give OP this second opinion of me, spiced with the flowers of my ego, which by now should compensate for my lack of sex.
>And then the concept of duality got the better of me and OP closed the thread because he didn't want to offend someone who asked nicely.
So can I rape any of you bakas, or what?
Make sense universe, or suffer my madness with you.
About 5 times a year but yeah it's a good point, thing is their family is fucked the younger sister got divorced and slept around with every fucking one so I'm hoping this one will do the same and when that happens im hoping for some incest action.
>housing in australia is very costly
ausfag here. 30 years old, moved out when I was 17. rented since then and bought my own house. paid shitty wages.
'housing in australia is very costly' is for newfags who want a four bedroom house as soon as they leave home.
Are you female?
Come to Germany. I delete my skyrim bondage mods and we annoy each other until you become a game designer and I fake my death in an over-the top escapade so that some American high-tier can feel just like in the movies and get the level of respect that his father always lacked to indoctrinate into him.
Except I will not do that and you will do what you want.
Got into a pseudo epic argument about wrestling with a girl in college, she moved to Essex and became a muslim loving feminist ;_;
Ah man, sorry, but I'm really embarrassed to be a human with a psoriasis in his asshole.
It makes me act like a jerk and gives me the super-power of being butthurt 24/7. LITERALLY. Which makes me more butthurt but also allows me to think in ways normal people would hardly want to grasp. And I can not hate you for this.
Most of the stories people tell online aren't real and everyone knows that. Why do you care if the NSA collects random stories? They know way worse shit about everyone solely based on browser history I'd bet.
Wresslin' is fake, warfare is real. She should learn the difference before she "fakes" not dying. So slow her down, avoid that she gets a car, but do not turn to the left political side.
The result is obvious, you will stalk her like some psycho.
BUT NOT ON MY WATCH!
So, you now know what psycho-you would do.
What will sane you do?
Because I want to pull a Necronomicon with the NSA to accellerate AI research.
And it works pretty good. Red Robin for instance.
When I want to be good at the computer, I first have to become the computer.
I would go on /b/ at my catholic school to show hiw edgy and crazy i was. I was also going through a phase where i thought i had multiple personalities and i basically tried to act like two-face with the coin and everything.
The girls do find it funny, but especially since they're high schoolers, they love it. It's almost expected that there will be boners throughout the season. It just worked out for the 4 of us because we're pervs and agreed to point our dicks up in our speedos to make the boner easier to achieve. Good luck.
>be me a few weeks ago
>way too drunk at the bar
>spot a guy who looks like kylo ren
>fuck off, i think he's hot
>whisper to friend who also thinks kylo is hot
>he slaps my shoulder
>says "i got this" with such confidence that i mistakenly trust him
>friend whispers to the guy
>guy comes over to me
>"i look like WHO?"
>sounds so confused
>immediately turn to punch friend in the balls right in front of this guy
>apologize to kylo looking motherfucker
>drunkenly stammer out that i think he's attractive
>watch him walk away pretty fast and then leave the bar less than five minutes later
lol you guys, i thought i had some cringey memories but i guess not...
>get caught watching porn by bro cus PC virus infested
>next day bros computer geek friend bookmarks all the safe porn sites on my browser and says "Enjoy!"
>still try to tell them it was pop ups
That was embarrassing at the time, I guess. I can remember the feel was the worst I've had.
I practiced a lot (and I mean tons) of talking to random people too because I used to be shy, stuff was awkward at first. Some of that was really awkward.
When I was 20 and in the cabin in the forest with my group of friends I got super drunk and talked about the dimensions of my dick to everyone. Not super cringey but i
still get shit for it to this day. They know too much, but meh.
I was pretty beta in highschool. Some bully pulled down my pants. Seeing this, one of the alphas bitch slapped the bully, held him by the hair and told me to do the same, which I did. It was satisfactory
I hope you high fived her every coming day with the other hand. But actually that's indian mysticism and you can use both hands to slap a bitch.
By applauding. So visit her concert or similar already.
I was really into crash team racing, so at the winter prom i tried to do a bunch of the dances when you won.
>the crash dance
>the tiny and dingo jig
>the komodo joe head thing
>and my favorite, the N.Gin waddle
Oh god, i wish i could erase the year 2000
>we having a college party
>Forgot my keys to my dorm room
>We're having a little campfire party near college
>Roomate have been working on this girl and ask me to keep his keys and pretend like we forgot ours key so he could sleep at her place
>Cuz I'm a bro I decide to play the game and wingman the shit out of it
>Roomate go with the girl back to her room
>We have this fucking autistic friend who all of decide to tell the girl I have the keys.
>Girl is suspicious and comes back to the campfire to ask me if I have the keys
>Pretend like I dont know what she's talking about
>Autistic friend comes in yelling I have the keys and shit
>Nigger is pointing the keys in my pocket and shit
>I pretend like I suprisingly found my keys laying in somewhere in the sand
>Roomate is clock blocked for life, girl doesn't even want to talk to him somehow
>Mfw when autistic friend wasn't even trying to cockblock and was only trying to help
>be me, sophomore in high school
>at track meet at other school, leaning on the fence around the track
>without warning some girl grabs my ass
>turn around and look at her
>she says "oh sorry you're not Zack" and runs away
It wasn't really embarrassing until I found out my coach had gotten it on video while recording my teammate's hurdle event. He was the best hurdler on the team, and everyone watched that moment every time the coach was trying to instruct us on proper hurdle technique.
Hey guys what's up oh god!!
Muhahahaha you fools, you falled into the trap of the. Entury.I the great and powerful kuznarp VI THE RULER OF THE countywide city of Filandrophar shall take over the world unless, quads are called!!!
I was finishing voting for new electors in Australia, while walking back from the place to the shops, I sharted, went to the store to find bathrooms, dude pointed me to them and needed a key, didn't bother telling me.
Long story short, I shat runny diahrea through my new $80 jeans, never seen so much shit in my life. Might greentext if anyone wants
>Be me last Christmas
>Get new computer
>Told sister I'd give her my old PS3
>Give her the PS3
>Realize I had porn on it
>Like 35 images
>Pic related was one of em
>Sneak in her room
>FUCK I did leave them on it
>When she got home I told her I just use those to gross out my buddies (50% truth)
>She didn't give a single fuck either way
another story commin up...
okay imma make it quick, pizza gon get cold yo
>be at mates house
>smoking bud and chilling
>sleptover at time because i was looking for new accommodation
>we have to vote by law in australia
>we walk to school where the voting booth was
>we finish voting, starting to walk back to his
>was freaking out because I had to suddenly shit so bad
>toilets at school 20metres back
>nah fuck it shops are close too
>go to local IGA
>ask for bathrooms
>dude tells me behind the store
>he looked under counter
>not sure what for (until later)
>run to back of store
>all toilets are locked to stop junkies
>I tell friend to run and get a key ASAP (the dude at the IGA gave one to some granny that came out the bathroom later)
>hes been gone like 3 mins
>cant hold inside
>didnt wanna pull down my pants and shit
>suddenly it drops all out
>shit felt good to poop
>3 secs after it felt all hard and uncomfortable
>mate comes back
>we'll refer to him at Z
>"too late dude, i just shat myself"
>"are you serious"
>granny bitch comes out
>mate got a key from fish and chip shop
>i go into bathroom pull down my pants
>runny shit plops on floor, lots
>all done my leg and butt
>spend 12 minutes wiping shit off me
>smells so bad, wasnt embarrassed just disgusted
>I sit on toilet now there is shit on seat and floor
>take off pants and put them down toilet
>$80 jeans have shit all over them, wipe on wall to try get most of it off
>have to put jeans back on because I gotta walk more
>I smell so fucking bad
>me and mate leave to go back to his
>i refused to go inside his house
>got a life from family members because i just got rid of my car it broke down
>drive home and shower shit off me, throw out jeans
>was over pretty fast, felt fresh
>was living with parents at time
>mum gives me shit
>me and mum make shit jokes all day
>we felt sorry for the cleaner who had to deal with fecies all over the wall floor and toilet
I have a fear of going outside now
>Jerking off in jobcorps
>about ready to cum
>I hear footsteps
>figured I would finish before they walk in
>finish just as Nepali friend walks in
>Cum on the floor trying to hide dick
>wat the fuq bruther?
>not much, how's the weather?
>He never looked at me the same again.
>get done cuddling with roommate cause lonely
>another roommate sees this
>this roommate wants the D
>this roommate is iraq
>feel iraq bro rubbing my legs and ass
>Do not tell anyone this, brahther
>He fucks me in the ass
>I suck his dick
>he didn't want the D after all
>to this day I can't think of that guy the same way again
>2 years ago
>In my room like 1am
>At peak erection
>I have a curtain where my door would be
>Turn off monitor, tuck up dick and hope whoever cant see
>Pc power light illuminating my legs
>"Anon?" Its my sister
>She flips the light on
>I jump up and turn around
>I say "WHAT THE FUCK!"
>She says "what are you doing?"
>I say GO AWAY
>We never speak of this again.
I'll try to think of more, I was always a cringey kid so can prom come up with more.
Holy fuck... I kek'd
I got stoned at a buddies place once... She told me I could go raid her fridge...
Then she flipped out because I ate the fancy meat and vegetable dog food her mother prepared for their prissy little Shih Tzu.
I still get shit for that :/
a classmate well know for being gay tried to flirt with me. back then the autism was strong with me. I did not realize it till he asked me if he could feel my arms/flex for him. fuck that was embarassing, i blushed and every girl died rofling
Man fuck that shit. Girls like that either turn into the miserable cunts like you said, or if they weren't bullied just turn into cringeworthy tumblrites and general bossy bitches.
>be me 9
>go to some catholic school where we have to say prayers and shit at the start and end of the day
>really need a piss
>ask teacher if i can go
>teacher says no, after prayers
>"our father who art in heaven"
>really really need a piss
>"hallowed be thy name"
>"thy kingdom come"
>holding on for dear life
>"thy will be done"
>its inevitable now
>"on earth as it is in heaven"
>start pissing myself
>"give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses"
>we had to wear shorts as the school uniform
>"as we forgive those who trespass against us"
>piss pouring out the bottom. shorts are soaked
>"and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil"
>yellow puddle under my feet. kids are looking at me funny
>Come up with a genius plan
>"Excuse me miss, I spilled my water bottle"
>Kid next to me says "Why is your water yellow"
>My lie is exposed
>Kids gather round to look at the yellow pool under my feet
>Teacher asks if i need any help
>Say no and walk home covered in piss
>Left the yellow puddle for the cleaners
these two are mad cause >>683398403 gave them boners.
>my best friend/room mate is obsessed with this woman
>I get a date with her
>he finds out and pours some shit in my drink
>go to her house, have to shit like never before, run into the bathroom and land on toilet - immediately begin massive diarrhea shitting
>she yells through the door that the toilet doesn't work
>fml I literally unscrew the bolts and pull the toilet off the floor and try to dump it out her window
>at an award ceremony for the students and teachers and such
>have to poop
"teacher, I have to go to the bathroom"
"but I have to go to the bathroom"
"This is important now you are going to sit there and be quiet!"
>poop a little
>run to the bathroom
>poop everywhere. Clean myself as best as I can. throw away my underwear, its a lost cause. clean my pants as best as I can
>in the bus. It still smells. Siting next to my friend Josh. One of the kids on the bus is saying
"ANON SMELLS BAD! ANON POOPED HIS PANTS!"
>older brother sees this, knows its me and shouts
"JOSH POOPED HIS PANTS!"
>everyone joins in "EWW!!! JOSH!"
thank you brother. You have been a dick most of my life but that was a solid.
It's OK fancy I like this. My meets and pleases to you will be well and oh so good. I can pay you for your fuckenings just respond to me please. My name is peetee and I will not be able to make it sound good for you bringing him and he was going to sugguest I love you too gorgeous. Maybe on Fridays on the 12am?i appreciate the thought for my pleasure. 833785235 is my number you fuck.
I think about this everyday and it fucking kills me alittle inside. ill keep it shortish, but its still kinda long
>Back in uni many years ago
>Social awkward as fuck
>Talking to girls is impossible
>See nice looking girl
>about a 8.9/10
>One of those "I have no idea what her personality is like or anything about her, but shes good looking" kind of things
>Dont tell anyone for awhile
>Few months later, spill the beans to a friend of mine
>Start getting paranoid, has my buddy told other people, does 'She' know?
>Message her on MSN
>just a simple 'hi'
>type again and again daily the same thing, 'hi'
>Still no reply
>Start messaging her personal stuff
>Really personal stuff like life story, who i like and dislike, etc
>Imagine one of those cringe texting photos of guys hitting on girls, but amplified to 100
>Cant delete shit on MSN
>got reply, '?'
>Shit what am i gonna do
>"haha sorry ive been using your account messages as a diary"
>fuck, why'd i say that
>Not as socially awkward anymore, talking to girls is easy
>Saw her from time to time since she was doing the same degree as me
>Too embarrassed to even say hi
i think she dropped out in one of the last months because she got pregnant with a nigger baby and sugar-daddy left her
what could i have done right guys.
It's eight o'clock on a Saturday, and suddenly I'm disturbed by a knock at the door. I hear my room mate call out from the bathroom telling me to answer. Reluctantly I get up and dutifully trot over to the door. "Who's there?" I say.
"Pizza," comes back the reply.
"Ha ha, very funny! You gonna open the door or what?"
I'm puzzled. Not sure why he thinks I was trying to be funny. Then Steve's voice comes from the bathroom again. "Let him in, bro! That's my pizza delivery!"
I freeze and instinctively back up to the wall. I've seen enough movies to know how this is going to end. These guys are all about the sex. It's a sordid little feature of the pizza industry that somehow is unbelievably tolerated by society. Despite this—or perhaps because of it—pizza is one of the most popular foods in America today.
The pizza guy pounds on the door again. He must be really horny. Steve calls out "Come on man, let him in!"
I sigh. I guess I should have figured out about Steve earlier. The signs were all there. The way he collected little pictures of famous baseball players, or that one time we saw a guy with his arm around another dude and he never made any disparaging remarks. Still, I'd always felt safe until now.
Timidly I reach to open the door, just as the guy knocks again. I'm shocked. There's just the one guy standing there holding a pizza box. In the movies, they always travel in pairs, which is how whoever opens the door to them ends up draped over a couch, confronted by an enormous penis menacing them at both ends.
I back up a couple of steps, making sure to keep my butt pressed firmly against the wall. "OK, just bring in the pizza and don't try any funny stuff!"
He stares at me, like he can't believe how I've got him all figured out so quickly. "The fuck, man?"
"No, no fucks," I say. "If you want to fuck, you'll have to talk to Steve."
(continues in Part 2)
>be me in any social situation
>have severe crippling anxiety when I have to talk
>don't even stammer, just completely shut down and can't get a word out
>school presentations, ordering a fucking coffee or talking to people is embarrassing as fuck
"Dude... did you just call me gay?" It's weird... he sounds really hostile and angry. I can't figure out what the big deal is. Maybe he's offended by my outright rejection.
I try to appease him. "Hey, it's no big deal. Gays aren't persecuted these days. You guys even get to have parades!"
The next moment, it seems like world explodes. I wake up in a hospital bed. My body is in a world of pain. Slowly it all starts coming back to me. In a sudden moment of panic, I check my butt, but everything seems to be intact. Relieved, I pass out again.
The next time I awaken, the cops are there. I tell them the whole story of how the pizza guy tried to rape me. I can see from their faces how shocked they are. It's like they're not aware there are monsters like that out there.
Weeks go by and they blur into months. I see all the headlines about the case, and how his trial is coming up soon. Amazingly, they let him out on bail. Who would have thought a pizza guy could make bail? Obviously they have a good network of well connected higher-ups. Maybe it's even a mob thing.
I'm walking through campus as it's getting dark. It's cold, and I can see my breath. Suddenly a man steps in front of me on the path. I can't believe it, but it's the pizza guy, the one who wanted to take my virginity.
He points his finger at me and hollers: "You!" I stop about 10 feet from him. I feel weak as he pulls out a gun and aims it at my head. I try hard to not let the fear show. "You ruined my life, you asshole!"
It's amazing how these guys never accept responsibility for their crimes, always blaming the victims. "Well... maybe you should have thought about that before you got into the pizza racket!" I reply.
He doesn't say anything, just stands there with his mouth opening and closing, like he's in shock. The arm holding the gun falls limply to his side, like he's given up. He doesn't even seem to see me any more. I take the initiative and hurry past him, hoping to get away before he comes to his senses.
Moments later, I hear the gun shot. I spin around and see his lifeless body sprawled under the lamp post, a pool of blood already spreading around him. I guess, he just couldn't live with the guilt any more. Rape is wrong, and I'm glad he was able to realize it before he died.
Hey let's show everyone how fucking pathetic I am! But how? I know! Let's write a boring, unfunny and autistic story about.... Hmn oh yeah a pizza dude!
Holy shit some loser ACTUALLY spent time writing that shit. Go kill yourself with a brick.
One day in sophomore year of high school I had the brilliant idea to fucking drink 2 bears in the morning with one of my "cool" friends and later on in lunch, after I ate, I started walking around with a group of friends and I noticed I was really fucking gassy, like FUCKING gassy as fuck. Like I was farting liters in volume of air out. Then the bell rang for the final 2 periods and during the class after lunch I got an urge to FUCKING shit. I asked my teacher if I could go and use the restroom and luckily she said yes. I fucking hurried my ass out the door in a cool manner to not look suspicious, but after I left the classroom I fucking sprinted to the nearest restroom which,unfortunately was locked, and I could feel the fucking shit in my anus wanting to come out so I was like "fuck this" and I ran as fast I could to the office restroom and halfway there I SHIT MY PANTS. Diarrhea fucking shit was oozing down my jeans and I could feel and smell it. I got to the office and luckily nobody was paying attention to me and I went into the bathroom and locked myself in. I got even more lucky that the bathroom was just for one person and I stripped myself and I started fucking cleaning my entire body. At the time I didn't have a phone so I waited until school finished and a janitor opened the bathroom and I only let him open a bit of the door to tell him to call my parents and then my parents came. Sorry for shit story telling, I'm typing this at 3 am.
Tldr: I shit my pants in sophomore high school
Maybe you missed the point... it's supposed to be embarrassing! So I don't really give a fuck if you liked the story or not. Actually it would be cool if people did like it, but I posted it because there's a back story to it.
I'm a professional writer, it's how I make my living, and I do pretty well at it. In over 4000 articles and stories I've written, I've only had a handful of rejections. This was one of them. Not because the story was "unfunny" but because the editor was a feminist who thought I was mocking feminism, rape culture, victim blaming etc. She actually took the story really seriously and didn't perceive that it was fiction.
This was after the publication in question had asked for something shocking and disturbing. I wanted to make the character somebody who you could really hate. A total bumpkin with no good grasp of reality, an autist moral fag who somehow has framed the world from the perspective of what he has learned in porn.
For me, I like the ending, and the way I managed to incorporate the opening lines from Piano Man into it.
So that's the provenance of this story. You can wipe your ass on it for all I care. I just thought the story deserves to be published instead of locked up in the fap files of an angry feminist.
That's fucking stupid. Nobody gives a damn if you have to use the bathroom. Accidental sharting is one thing, but forcing yourself to hold it like that for any reason is just fucking stupid and inconsiderate to anyone around you. It's more believable that you just waited on purpose till you were in her car to shit you pants for the lolz. What the fuck is wrong with you. Stupid ass.
> Rape is wrong, and I'm glad he was able to realize it before he died
i dont remember that from the song.
Yea fuck that guy I was in drum line and banging the head cheerleader
Had a nice social group too we hung out all the time still friends with em till this day... good times band camp was fun too
My story is pretty boring but I need to get it out.
>go to thailand with friend
>check the whores at night
>smoking hot woman, jessica rabbit like
>start making out with her
>she brings me to an hotel
>start noticing that adam apple
>I'm too paranoid because of these traps on the interwebs
>But she seems to have a small duvet over her mouth
>for fuck sake she is so sexy that can't be
>go to a room
>ask her to get nakid
>force the bitch to remove the dress
>it's a he
>mfw when I made out with a guy
I feel disgusted with myself, never thought I could be the dumb guy who got caught by a lady boy
There's an easy test you can do. Look at their elbow. If it is as wide as their wrist or wider, it's likely to be a man. Having said that, there's no stigma against feminine katooey here. Only the ones that can't pass as female.
thanks for the advice but I feel so bad for having kissing a man. But anyway there are worst shit in the world, just that I can't get over it and how dumb my dick makes me
>be me in hs, we were both 16
>tfw awkward girl
>tfw no bf
>people in class joke towards a guy
>they say he and i supposedly fit together well
>he's okay looking, kind of a joker of the class
>laugh it off awkwardly
>he texts me on fb that week
>we kind of get along
>we talk about personal stuff after a while
>me tfw no bf, him tfw no gf, sex, etc
>end up hanging out after school, we're in his car
>he gives me my first kiss
>he asks if i can give him a blowjob
>lean over the center console
>knees hurt, super uncomfortable
>he lowers his jeans
>start giving him a blowjob, it's my first, i'm uncomfy, everything about it sucks
>reposition myself a couple times, legs hurt knees hurt elbows hurt
>after like half an hour he says we should stop
>he drops me off at home
>next day people bully me that i couldn't make him cum
>i'm the girl who couldn't even make a guy cum
>heard it for the rest of the year
>become even more awkward and isolated yay for 4chan
my life sucks
Well it doesn't make you gay or anything. Especially if you didn't know beforehand. You're just lucky you didn't get robbed. Most parts of Thailand you're safe, but those types in Pattaya or other tourist zones, they are often predators. If you want to get yourself a decent girl in Thailand, it's better not to go with the bar girls, massage girls, and hookers. Learn a bit of Thai and you can take your pick of almost any girl in the country. They will be clean, not from Issan, and they won't have been corrupted by an endless stream of unwashed cocks from all over the world. They'll also have a better attitude and won't believe themselves to be something special.
Kinda embarrassing, mostly a win for me though.
>Grade 6 girl living in the coutry
>all ausfags, 'cept for one pommy fuck
>one dickhead named slabon is a fucking annoying piece of shit, he's the Pom.
>Call him Potato, Spud, etc.
>'if you keep calling me that ill tell the principal'
>Spit in his face tell him he's a cunt
>Stays true to his word
>I'm half abo, friend tells me to pull the race card
>Oi, nah, fuck off m8
>Principal is a bitch
>"Respect, responsibility, lifelong learning!"
>Straight up tells me I'm an 'irresponsible woman'
>Have a bitchfest with all of my class but not Slabon
>all 11 of us
>Dack three, get dacked once
>Someone vomits after one tater tot throws a mix of shit and piss at us
>Step in wombat shit
>Help vomitbro out
>Realize wombat shit is on my shoe
>See Slabon in distance
>find the pressure point in the back of his neck
>Wipe the shit in his hair
>Spits in my eye
>Suspended for a week
>Labeled as a hero
>Thater tot has a shitstain in his hair for the rest of the term
>beta guy, friends with many girls
>staying at a hotel where the rooms fit 6 people
>not supposed to mix girls and boys
>convince teacher that all my friends are girls
>allowed to share a room with 5 girls
>usually sleep naked
>sleep in boxer shorts because not alone
>take off boxer shorts in my sleep
>girls steal my blanket
>wake up naked with a boner
>5 girls standing around me laughing
How to find a good girl in this country...
1. She's not really wealthy, but she is trying hard to improve her situation in life, but without resorting to the easy way of prostitution or relying on her looks.
2. She doesn't spend too much trying to look like a farang (this shits me off and should offend everyone else too). She doesn't go for the skin whitening thing except by the fact that there's no other choice in Thailand for some products (but since they don't work, that's fine). She doesn't get plastic surgery to make her nose look like a European nose, to make her breasts bigger, or to change the shape of her chin. She also doesn't do that stupid eyebrow thing.
3. She is making some sort of effort to teach herself English.
4. She behaves a little shyly in public, but is open and frank with you, says what is on her mind, and doesn't mind being affectionate with you in private.
5. Doesn't pressure you for marriage but is open to the idea of it. It's normal to pay sin sod but her parents don't make a greedy bid. They want you both to be happy and the sin sod is mostly to show the community that you'll be a good provider. If they ask for more than 500k baht sin sod, they are offering to give some of it back to you, but want the full amount just for showing off to the village.
6. Naturally good body and takes care of herself without making a big deal about it or spending all her money on it.
7. Ideally she will be quite devoutly religious (Buddhist). This is perfect for you because it means she will not do wicked things. I mean somebody who is sincere, not somebody who just is posing or showing off.
I had piss porn on my mp3 player and some girls at summer camp looked through it and found it
I was bullied relentless for it the rest of the summer then some kids in high school found out and bullied me more
At raves people wear gloves with lights on the fingers, they find people who are rolling, then put on a lightshow. Happened to me once when I was on E,I was fucking amazed. If you're not rolling, it's super cringe.
>Decide to scare the shit out of some girls during a friends party
>the girls were using her parents room to get changed (pool party)
>so being the sneaky mother fucker I was snuck in and put on some of her mums clothes, thought it would scare her a lot more.
>creep into the closet and bide my time.
>Hard to see out of the closet but my keen sense of hearing keeps me alert
>jeez taking a long time, dont worry I thought this will be well worth the effort.
>Here someone enter this surely must be my prize, realise they might actually be changing, realise I might actually see my first pussy and tits
>get too excited
>decide its time as I can hear what sounds like people taking off their clothes
> burst out screaming
>her parents both getting changed and half naked, my hard pathetic dick poking from my speedos wearing her mothers top and bra screaming with my hands up
>scare the shit out of the mum she jumps tits bouncing onto the bed
>Fathers huge ass grin with his leg halfway through his board shorts, grin turns to anger
>I bolt as fast as I can out the house back to mine, lock my door
>Force my parents to send me to a new school, never ever looked back.
I was around 12
>be me, 15 years old
>everyone gathered in a room one night to watch football game on big screen
>realize almost immediately that I've sat in chocolate
>looks like I've shat my pants
>can't stand up
>stays in my seat until the end of the game
>waits until everybody else has left the room
>stands up to assess the damage
>need to make it back to my cabin
>really really don't want people to think I've shat my pants
>decide to take my pants off
>sneak out of the room
>leave the building
>heading for cabin, walking fast
>hears girls talking, about to come around the corner
>runs down a grassy slope in panic
>in underwear, holding chocolatey shitpants
>slip in the grass and slide down the slope
>below the slope is a gravel path
>slide into the gravel and scrape up my entire body
>especially left thigh
>run back to cabin, at least nobody saw me
>clean up wounds, put other pants on
>compulsory gettogether immediately afterwards
>midway through, realize I'm bleeding through the pants
>sent to nurse
>has to take my pants off
>turns out my underwear is also chocolatey
>nurse thinks I've shat my pants
>me, short petite girl, starting high school
> nobody knows I have horrible IBS
> first fucking day of school, first period has started, I'm anxious as fuck
> everything going pretty decent, it's a culinary class for home EC
> smell brownies the teacher made, I hate chocolate and the mere smell of it upsets my stomach
> feel demons from hell swarming in my bowels
> CANNOT wait, in the middle of the class I just get up and go to the restroom
> there is a private one in that classroom, luckily every room is made from stone so you can't hear anything
> in there for over a fucking hour, crying and shitting my fucking guts out, light headed from it all, miss my next class
>the hell is finally over, look in mirror, face is as white as a sheet, makeup smeared, I look like I just went through some shit (no pun intended)
> leave bathroom, next class is already there, teacher looks at me sympathetically as I walk away in shame
>hope to God all they smell is the air freshener I used
>get drunk with a girl I met over the internet
>start kissing and groping
>my first kiss ever
>continues to escalate
>go home with her
>cant get it up, too nervous, too drunk
>walk out of bedroom, try to take a shit (I always shit when I'm nervous)
>I forgot to close the door
>fumble around with the toilet paper cos her lights were out
>when I'm done shitting, I try to fap a bit and see if I can give myself a boner
>try to squeeze my tiny limp into her dry vagina
>she's passed out
>I say I can make her feel good
>try to lick her, just do that shit they do in porn
>cant make her cum
>she falls asleep
>I don't leave in the morning
>it's like 1pm
>ask if we can get breakfeast together
>she says ok
>most awkward breakfast I've ever had
>for the next weeks I try to hook up with her at parties, but she's friendzoned me while she's banging other dudes
>they all know I'm a beta fgt
tl;dr couldn't get it up, fell in love and got mocked by everyone