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Autist moments thread /b/, i'll start
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Autist moments thread /b/, i'll start
>be me
>hanging out with a friend
>"hey man, you got a charger?"
>"yeah"
>get the charger for him
>meant to say "knock yourself out"
>brain shuts down
>"kill yourself with it"
>mfw
>>
>be me
>be junior
>in history
>teacher asks "Who know what a harlem is?"
>I blurt out "A WHORE!" loudly
> friend behind me "Anon, that's a harlot.."
>>
>be me
>in some class, it was a testing day
>looks like a history class
>gets bored
>looks around at all posters
> wait wtf think to myself why is there a Morgan Freeman poster in here
>turn to my friends and ask
>they give me this retarded ass look
>i point
>"Anon... that's Nelson Mandela."
>>
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Bump while thinking of stupid shit I've said
>>
i cant even choose from the stupidest shit ive said
>>
>>682989127
Post it all
>>
>>682989127
then post all of it
>>
>>682989127
post
>>
>>682989127
post it fag
>>
Played hungman in my english class nobody guessed, the word was plot. Yay for me, teacher asks what it means. Think back, seen it only on pics from /mlp/.
"It means horses' ass I think."
>>
>hot cashier
"Enjoy the movie"
>"You too"
>>
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>>682989972
>>
>>682989972
Ouch baby. Very ouch
>>
>>682989972
>682989972
autism indeed
>>
>be me when I was 9
>my little sister had gained a ton of weight
>we go to hippos
>look at hippos
>yell out "hey look sister, it's your real family!"
>she starts crying
>everyone around looks at me
>sister became landwhale feminist.
>>
>>682990754
FUCK
>>
>>682987831
"Happy Birthday!"
"You too.."
>>
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During an interview
>Be me supposed serial killer
>Intervier asking stupid questions
>Get pissed
>Want to mock him
>"Do you feel blame? Are you mad? Uh, do you feel like wolf kabob Roth vantage? Gefrannis booj pooch boo jujube; bear-ramage. Jigiji geeji geeja geeble Google. Begep flagaggle vaggle veditch-waggle bagga?"
>>
>>682989376
>>682989446
>>682989487
>>682989599


>be me
>be 13
>best friend has bf
>sadandlonely.gif
>goes into random sports store
>see hot cashier
>maybe22 or something
>says to friend "ay lmao aint he cute"
>best friend answers "omg yeah anon ask for his number;D"
>goes back and forth into store 5 times before i grow some balls
>starts out with "hey im not good at flirting you look cute why dont we exchange numbers"
>new autism level reached.jpg
>looks at me like im the pedophile in this scenario
>run out of store
>finds out my cousins dating him
>sees him at every family event
>fuckface.mp4.fuckmeintheass
>>
>>682987831
My biggest autist moment was laughing way too fuckin hard at this
>>
>>682987831
I like this
>>
>during job interview
>about 2 years ago
>"So what can you tell me about yourself"
>"well I'm fast at math"
>"Alright what's 13x73"
>"27"
>"That's wrong, Anon"
>dumbass me "but it was fast."

>Got job.
>>
>>682989972
nice meme
>>
>>682991859
thats not autistic, just really fast, unintentional humor
>>
>>682991550
(you)
>>
>>682990754
>be me
>read greentext story
>thinking in going to read about anon's autism
>actually read about his sister's
>>
>>682992057
It was fucking autistic, I mean I was stuttering like a Neet.
>>
>>682991679
fuck off faggot or post tits or gtfo
>>
>>682989972
>sadly i too have done this when i was younger
>2 tickets for so and so movie
>"here ya go, enjoy your movie"
>"you too"
fuck me
>>
>>682990754
I feel you on that
>2nd grade
>teacher is reading about Santy Claws
>book describes Santy as heavyset and jolly
>jolly=fat because 8 year old brain
>turn to overweight female classmate
>call her jolly in reaction to the news I had then received
>she's bawling
>get put inna corner
The fuck man
>>
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>>682992233
Triple double trouble.
>>
>be me at movie theater
>Star Wars The Force Awakens.
>leaving theater, and line for the next show
>tell gf "I can't believe they killed Han Solo"
>did not realize I spoiled the movie for the people
>banned from theater.
>>
>>682992626
>banned from theater

The only autism here is thinking people will believe this.
>>
>>682991679
Tits or fuck off
>>
>>682987831
holy fucking kek

How did he react? What did he say?
>>
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>be me in history one time
>not paying attention
>teacher calls on me
>didnt hear what he even said
>friend whispers to just say "9/11"
>figure the question was about terrorism or something
>blurt out 9/11 in an extremely autistic, overly loud voice because the teacher was waiting on me
>see horrified face on teacher
>whole class staring
>the raviolis in my pocket start to fall out gently
>teacher had asked "what was the date that Hitler invaded poland"
>teacher had a distant relative in 9/11
>mfw he glares at me everytime we see eachother
>mfw the whole class stared and whispered for the rest of the school year
>>
>>682992797
>asking gay guy for tits
>>
To post 682991550,
Very funny.
Regards,
Anon
>>
>>682992261
oh lmao i would have hired you if you weren't all nervous and shit
>>
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>>682989972
>>682992449
why do you care so much, that type of shit happens 10 times a day when you're selling tickets.

>>682992626
pic related
>>
>hey, how are you
>good how are you
>good, how are you

It was on that day that I realized normies came up with greetings to weed out the aspies, such as myself.
>>
>>682992945
>mfw you're full of shit and literally none of this happened, especially the part about everyone staring and whispering about you
>>
>>682992999
Trips confirm tits
>>
>>682992103
Of course not me. Did u read it?

>>682993028
Not sure if sarcasm.
>>
>>682993028
>To post 682991550
This is bait.
>>
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>met a girl at a business dinner.
>one of those retarded "we completed the contract lets go buy $100 steaks" bullshit.
>we notice each other looking bored and she comes over.
>hey anon, you want to go to a bar I know across town?
>sure.
>we hit it off pretty well, get together regularly for a few months only for drinks and occasionally dinner.
>new years eve
>we had made plans to do a pub crawl.
>we get to the first place, it's like 4PM so I just order beer, pacing and all that.
>she gets a double wild turkey, no ice
>slams it, orders another
>she starts talking about how long it has been since she has slept with anyone.
>up to this point I had assumed our
relationship was purely platonic so I start trying to change the subject.
>no luck.
>several hours later she's tanked and asks me to take her back to her place.
>we get to the door and she stumbles inside, leaves the door wide open and goes into another room.
>I stand at the door and said something like "Had a great time, happy new year!" and left.
>never heard from her again.
>>
>>682993196
idk when i was younger i really cared too much about acting austistic like that.. just one of those memories that you look back on and cringe
>>
>be me in history class
>start whispering "date rape is 8/8 m8, gr8 b8"
>teacher heard me, while returning assignments
>"anon what the hell, go to the hall"
>FuckFuckFuck.jpg.
>>
>be 6 or 7 year old me
>having a birthday party
>treating guests as they walk in
>they say "happy birthday"
>I respond with "happy birthday to you too"
>to every single person.
>>
>>682993592
wow you are a fucking beta dude..
>possibly reached an omega status
>>
>>682993585
I thought it was so I didn't make a big deal about it. Hope it is, no one can be this much of a newfag
>>
>>682993765
Greeting*
>>
>>682993747
The lesson here is: Don't meme in person like a fucking mong. Internet jokes should stay on the internet.
>>
>>682992999
I've been calling them autismos for years and just realized why...

Thank you /b/

>i work with autismos
>>
>be me
>hold open the door for a girl
>try to say "you're welcome" or "no problem"
>"your problem"
>tfw
>>
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I wasn't conscious for this, but family tells me about it all the time.

>be me at 1st ever birthday
>when they sing happy birthday i get down
>go around and beat up every other kid

>mfw i was autistic before i was conscious
>>
>>682993793
Yeah looking back on it I royally fucked that one up. I got too caught up with worrying about how it might affect work.
>>
>>682993592
L M A O
>>
I had autistic stoner friends a few years back

>give friend money to buy cigarettes
>We're like idk, 16yrs old
>I move to the back of store, prepared to dash if she does something stupid
>She approaches counter
>"How old are you"
>"....28..."
>FuckingSeriously.jpeg
> Manager walks up
>"hmmm, k, she said she's 28, sell 'em to her"
>Confused cashier asks what she wants
>She's pointing at a random pack
>"...the, uh, that one."
>I walk up to counter with a Snapple and step in front of her
>"I think she wants a camel crush"
>Pay for drink and leave store
>>
>>682993793
Or maybe anon has standards. Girls who are sloppy drunk when you're not are usually terrible lays. Plus, desperation is not even kind of attractive. Not >>682993592
but I've been there.
>>
>>682994155
First, checked. Second, honestly dude there was a chance she would of regretted it in the morning and said you raped her. So while you did beta out, it just might have saved your life.
>>
>>682989972
happened to me the other day at mcdonalds

>enjoy your meal
>you too

cringeee
>>
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>>682993747
>go to the hall
>>
>>682994208
Yeah that was another factor to. Dealt with a sloppy drunk girl once and it was like trying to have sex with ballistic jelly.
>>
>be me ordering at Burger King drive thru
>waiting for like 10 minutes
>I say "And they want $15hr? fuck them tho"
>girl says "the mic is on sir
>oh.exe.
>>
>>682987831
I'd find you pretty cool for saying shit like that. Zozzled, my rozzle.
>>
>>682994435
it was high school.
>>
>>682994155
riddle me what was going through your head when u were at the door? i mean how could u have talked yourself out of getting pussy while you were (i assume) at least tipsy from drinking? i know i would have sprinted in there and hopped on the bed if that happened to me after drinking
>>
>>682994576
You want mexican jizz in your food? Because thats how you get mexican jizz in your food hahaha.
>>
>>682994665
wow I was thinking middle school but thats even worse
>>
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>be me
>in highschool at the time
>at a party with a bunch of friends
>me and like 5 or 6 others throwing it
>i wanna bone one of the 3 girls out of the 5
>partys over and us 5 are crashing in the house
>2 in one bed, 2 on a big couch, 2 on a smaller couch
>on the smaller couch is me and the girl I want
>hardly enough room for me, much less the both of us
>we are in spooning position
>she starts grinding her ass on me
>I ignore it and lie there like the drunk/high autismo I was
>my "move" was me putting my arm around her and holding her/cuddling
>after 30 or so mins gets up
>comes back, im guessing went to the bathroo
>but now we are head to toe, shes facing away from me
>I lie there realizing my missed opportunity
>after about an hour when she was asleep, is started playing with her feet cuz footfag

>mfw come to find out she really liked me but thought I wasn't interested
>mfw she wanted to fuck and im just a dumbass
>mfw all 3 girls had a bet at the beginning of the year as to who'd fuck me first
>mfw I fucked none, and am still a virgin
>also not the first autismo missed sex opportunity.
>>
>accidentally call arabs "sandniggers" in a class presentation in HS.
>>
>>682994389
Very true. I got a lot of shit from my regular bar keep because of her though so maybe it's a good thing. She couldn't speak Korean, or at least pretended to not understand, but every time we were in his bar he was always saying shit like "Watch your wallet around her." or "If you're poking that, you better wash your hands before touching anything in here."
>>
>friend introduces her 10/10 friend to our group of friends
>makes her way to me to shake my hand
>getting ready to tell her my name
>"I'm gorgeous"

Embarrassing as fuck
>>
>>682994745
yeah cause they Know you aren't just being a shit, got 2 day suspension.
>>
>>682994747
How the fuck do you know any of that?
>>
>>682994704
>first
I kind of made it personal policy to not fuck around with co-workers. Too much drama if things go south.
>second
As I said, I had thought things were purely platonic up to that point. Business partners chatting from time to time and having a few drinks is pretty normal. We had never gone to each others house before and I never had the intention of sleeping with her in the first place.
>>
>be me
>doing english paper in uni
>friend who also uses this site is talking to me about the whole boxxy situation (this was when the whole thing was blowing up)
>he's doing impressions of her like an autist, bad impressions
>going 'queen of /b/' over and over, pronouncing the slashes
>keeps doing it

fast forward a week, we get our papers graded

>never thought to check it since i'm like 19, i didn't give a shit
>halfway through, i wrote 3 lines of 'queen of slash-b-slash-
>prof looked at me funny the rest of the year.
>>
>>682994906
TRUE ALPHA
>>
>>682994745
I was thinking elementary school.
>>
>at a bar
>trynna use a pick up line
>go up to a 10/10
>tell her "you got the hair of a girl who likes anal"
>>
>>682994747
nice pic, lighting the way was a wonderful day. Did op ever show us the actual shirts? i know they beat red lion, had to.
>>
>>682987831

This thread is a cancer, you're cancer
>>
>drive thru at mcdonalds
>gets to mic
>dude "hey what do u want"
>me "hey its anon"
>dude "...hey anon what do u want"
>me "i want xx and anon2 wants yy"
>"...okay anon"
>gets to payment
>gets food and says thx dude
>dude "have a nice day anon"

why do i act like i am talking on phone. autism.org
>>
>be born
>>
>>682994957
What do you mean?
>>
>>682995183
another bar pick up.

>hey I just shit my pants, can I get in yours?
>>
>>682995218
Nah, haven't seen shit about the shirts yet.
>>
>>682994747
Similar situation happened to me.
>I was at a friends house with this girl i liked
>she liked me back
>we were going someone in the morning to we slept over in my friends extra room.
>She's topless and facing away from me
>i start kissing her neck
>she kind of scrunches up as if she didn't like it.
> she's really quite
>I assume she wasn't feeling like the sex
>next day tells me she would of slept with me but i stopped
>said it just tickled when i kissed he neck
>died a little

It woke out though because i fucked her a few weeks later while her boyfriend was taking a shower. But I still make myself cringe thinking about it.
>>
>run into dude I know
>him: "whats going on anon?"
>me: "good"
>>
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>>682991859
>mfw 27

How?
>>
>>682995218
>wat.jpg
>>
>>682993286
Kekd
>>
>>682995357
The fact that they had a bet on who'll fuck you first and that she liked you
>>
>>682995463
my spelling was atrocious please forgive me
>>
>>682995462
that sucks. I hope if OP does return, he puts one of the shirts on ebay or something.
>>
>>682995544
exactly

also nice tripple dubs
>>
>be me driving home at night
>see girl I work with driving in front of me
>want her to know it's me behind her
>start to tailgate her really close
>she speeds up
>I think to myself she must not know it's me
>turn on high beams and start blowing the horn keeping pace with her as she accelerates
>really thought this was a good idea
>basically car chase terrified girl down the street thinking it couldn't possibly be interpreted as anything other than friendly
>only stop when the turn to my house came up
>found out later she wrecked her car fleeing some "psycho" who was chasing her
>I really thought it was a good idea
>>
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>>682995619
Not forgiven. Post gave me grammar cancer
>>
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>>682994058
>>
>>682995093
understandable.. thanks for replying
>>
>call pizza place
>"Hi. I'd like to place a delivery for pickup."
....
>>
>>682995619
I don't forgive you.
>>
>>682995475
every time anon
>>
>>682995503
had to be in the thread to know the context of that, sorry. I'll explain.

>underageb& op's school is having a contest to design a t-shirt for their school
>tells us to vote for the shittiest design, basically the lion pic in >>682994747 with a lighthouse and shitty lettering that says lighting the way to high school'

It was fucking great, man.
>>
>>682995930
lmao
>>
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I still can't handle this one.
>6th grade
>sister in 12th grade
>comes in my room
>she had just gotten a dress for the prom
>Hey Anon, does this dress make me look fat
>Well, yeah, a little
>sister is crying, wants mom to return the dress
>I've fucked up beyond repair
>>
>>682995867
Sorry the boss kept walking by my desk.
>>
>>682995544
Ahh. Well because after graduation the extremely slutty one told me. She was a huge gossip queen, and wasn't aftraid of her own whorishness

I knew the girl wanted to fuck, because she told whore girl about the situation.
Knew she liked me because she told me one day when we were texting.
I tolder her some bullshit to make her feel good: "You're just really unique and true to yourself" "That's why I liked you back in highschool" she told me she liked me too but thought I had no interest in her so she moved on.
>>
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>>682995903
>>
>>682995930
My sides just obliterated the ISS.
>>
>hey hows it going?
>not much, how about you?
>>
>>682991859
I wish I knew you tbh you sound cool
>>
>>682996111
what movie is that from?

I keep seeing this god damn gif now I have this urge to watch the movie just for this fucking scene.
>>
>>682993592
She would've said you raped her.

Seems beta, but good call.
>>
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>go out with a shirt under my jacket
>too warm, gotta take it off at the bar
>get stuck in shirt, trying to keep jacket sleeves right side out
>get shirt off, but struggle with flipping out sleeves for what felt like six months
>bartenders notice the retard who's trapped in their own jacket
>>
>>682994186
I remember those days
>>
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>be me
>on a night out
>girl literally begs me for sex
>forget her name
>generally rubbing her hands all over my body etc
>I shit you not, I ran away
>>
>>682996271
also whenever I call for parts (mechanic) I say "hi, this is anon calling from xyz shop"

the fuckers over at this one shop had caller ID and before I could even blurt out anything the guy on the other end all of a sudden said "XYZ shop here" I was flabbergasted and had no idea what to say.
>>
>>682995094
this hurt
>>
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>My buddy went to an interview
>they ask him to tell a funny story
>he tells them how he broke the ice with a friend of his
>he knocked over a pen and told this quiet asian kid to pick it up
>asian does it real slow and sadly
>then it was a awkward silence
>"I don't see how thats funny anon"
>friend knocks pen off interviewers desk
>"pick it up"
>interviewer just stares at him
>friend eventually picks the pen up
>interview ends shortly after
>>
>>682996366
holy fucking shit imagining that made me laugh so fucking hard

especially since I've done the exact same shit ;^)
>>
>>682996366
Wait, you were too warm so instead of taking your jacket off you tried to take your shirt off while keeping your jacket on

>ultimate autism achieved
>>
>>682996496
I did that...when I was 12.
>>
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>>682992945
>teacher asks for a definition of a word when I'm working
>confused.jpeg
>give wrong answer
>mfw
>>
>>682996496
shit a girl in middle school told me she liked me and I also literally ran away

And screamed :^(
>>
>>682996271
Pretty sure it's from one of the classic John Woo movies. They're all worth watching so it's no loss if you pick the wrong one at first
>>
>>682987831
i don't get it. friend wanted charger, so the guy go him a charger...what's the joke?
>>
>in gr12 anthro class
>doing some bullshit project on various types of families and their issues
>get put in group with a bunch of my friends and some halfbreed chick
>friend reads out that we've been assigned "interracial marriages"
>mutter "interracial marriages are disgusting"
>brain.
>brain pls.
>brain what are you doing
>teacher hears
>comes over
>"did I head what I think I just heard?"
>"n-no.."
>loudly repeats what I said and admonishes me for it
>half the class staring at me
>don't have shit to say so just look disinterested and shortly "ok" teacher
>halfbreed mutters that her family is interracial

The bright side is that I now understand that race mixing is a jewish plot to destroy the white race so I don't feel as bad about it I guess.
>>
>>682991859
Kek
>>
>>682996799
I mean, like an extra shirt, like a flannel shirt. I wanted that off, and to put the jacket back on, but I was sweaty and my fucking glasses where sliding down my nose.

>>682996787
I'm sure it gave everyone a good chuckle.
>>
>I was about 10
>usually hung out with a girl from my class and her older sister after school
>gave too fucks about the girl from my class
>her sister was starting to fill and it was glorious
>the classmate was a fucking psycho
>would cut off other kids hair
>held a tard down and made her eat plaster of paris
>tried to drown me for pinching her sisters nipples in the pool
>the house next to hers hadn't been occupied in a long time
>she decided to prepare a gift for the new occupants she broke one of the windows on the backside of the house
>she would regularly sneak in to shit in various parts of the house
>was staying the night at their place once
>she was told to go take a bath before bed
>15 minutes later she comes running down the hall ass naked covered in her own shit
>started screaming at the dog asking why he had popped in her bed
Her sister was hot as fuck but I couldn't take anymore after that.
>>
>>682995273
Underrated post
>>
>be me a few years ago
>teachers give us this quiz to do about our future and shit
>on the last page you had to write a short essay about your plans
>write "shoot up a school"
>get suspended, almost kicked out
>>
off the top of my head one from 2 years ago
>art class
>half the class is a bunch of tards
>they go wash their hands together
>i decide seconds before they group up to go wash my hands
> 2 of them get in front of me as i go there
>wait in the corner to stay away from tards
>more keep showing up
>oh god it smells i wish i didn't come here at the wrong time
>after a while a small opening sent from the lord appears
>slip the fuck out of there
>>
>>682996271
No idea, I've wondered the same before but never bothered to look it up.
>>
>>682996496
Same shit happened to me a different time in hs
>be at another party this time not throwing it
>is far back innawoods
>me 2 of my friends, one of their gfs and her friend. We are juniors and they're freshman
>gorgeous freshman though
>one of the freshman girls cant hold her drink, is acting a complete imbecile
>flirting with this girl, not super hot but attractive enough
>while talking, im texting other friend, who is dating the sister of said freshman
>tell him the her sister is drunk and making an ass out of her self
>he tells his gf and she calls her parents
>10 mins later that drunk ass freshman is bawling and yelling at me
>cute girl I was flirting with says lets go to a tent
>gets up grabs my hand, gives me those eyes, and starts pulling me towards tent
>I say no, walk away, and go console freshman to make her feel better and apologize
>likely the most beta shit I've ever done..
>>
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>>682996366
Fuuuuuuck

I did this when I was a kid - my mom was visiting a long-lost friend and autismo me was nervous as fuck - in her home taking my jacket off and it felt like a fucking straight-jacket. I was really shy so stood in the room doing a retarded fucking writhe in complete silence. The look on the friend's face. Cringe as fuck.
>>
>>682996052
>>682990754
>>682992454
>not knowing its common sense never to call a female fat
>>
>>682991679
mfw there are even female autists
>>
>>682996766
>my buddy
>*me

FTFY
>>
>>682989972
Brian Regan
>>
>be me
>in supermarket on a mission
>want bacon dbl cheeseburgers.man
>get nice bread
>get nice cheese
>grade A smoked bacon GOT IT
>find 2 freezers full of burgers
>jackpot
>mfw
>burgers with cheese
>burgers with onions
>burgers with chilli
> no plain ,can't be right
>waste another 5 min carefully searching
> NO FUCKING PLAIN BURGERS
>slam freezer door
>drop basket and kick away
>storm out muttering about shit tier supermarket
>>
>Be new years eve
>Friend brings a girl over
>We play Risk for hours
>At about 3am she asks "Can you take my shoes off?"
>Tipping intensifies
>I reach down and she freaks out
>Turns out she said "Can I take my shoes off?"

Not too bad, I'll think of more
>>
>>682997268
what the fuck am I reading
>>
>>682997296
you made me snort laughing holy shit
>>
>>682997546
Do you even English?
>>
>>682997678
I was asking my self the same thing.
>>
>>682995722
Nice dubs to you too, anon
>>682996101
Damn, RIP anon
>>
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>>682991859
>>
>>682997801
My phone fucks up a lot when I try to text quick.
>>
>be at party
>notice friend's girlfriend cheated on him, right infront of him
>whatever.jpg, not my business
>friend still stays and tries to have a good time
>girl is all over me in the mean time
>bring her to room, about to do the deed
>friend who got cheated on is laying there instead
>drunkenly blurt out "nah, fuck him instead" and leave her in the room with him
>they fuck
>rejoins the party later, happier than a pig in shit

Am i an autist or a team player?
>>
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Girl says "Anon let's go back to my place
>"Why the fuck would I want to do that?"

Pic related
>>
>>682997678
A string of typos in lines 3 and 4, the rest is about Autisimo the Blonde Stealth Shitter.
>>
>back in highschool, me and a friend of mine, over at a (female) friend of his for vacation (like 1 or 2 weeks, don't remember)
>He told me she wanted his dick, so I knew there would be stuff going on
>we all three sleep in her room: she on the bed, my friend and I on the floor.
>I told him, if things got hot, I would go "take m shower", so I could let them do whatever they wanted to do
>so, at night, we're watching a movie, all three of us on the floor
>from left to right: me, my friend, female friend
>we were watching "Clockwork Orange", but was late at night, so we were tired and didn't watch the film until the end
>I slwoly doze away
>here giggling and stuff in my back
>just hear "you like that? ha?"
>fuckingfuck.jpg, are they doing it next to me?
>try to go as far away of them as I could
>still hear her fapping him
>worst night of my life
>>
>>682995093
>first
You're a beta faggot
>second
Kill yourself
>>
>>682997950
>nah I've got a raid at 9
>>
>smoking with girl
>she asks if I know what shotgunning is, asks if I want to
>decide to pretend that I don't because it would be funny
>tell her, 'No, I don't wanna get burned'
>she is viably concerned
>I continue to get more elaborate in my joke to save face
>it does not work
>we do not shotgun
Missed the fuck out.

>>682997662
That's why you make your own burgers, man
>>
Reading about others ruining their own sex chances due to autism makes me feel much better about recently doing the same.
>>
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>>682998035
Damn anon, you sure got me good there.
>>
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>>682997949
You're an autistic team player anon. Well done tho
>>
>>682991550
kek
>>
>>682993592
That's fucking sad
>>
>>682997949
Neither, you are a faggot.
>>
You did it!
>>
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>>682991859
Actually really fucking funny somehow
>>
>>682997949
I dig it bruv
>>
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>>682994747
I know that pain too well.
>>
>>682995249
I worked at mcdonalds for a while when I was younger and a regular customer used to come and order at front desk like this, he'd introduce himself as 'John' and then order. He actually did have Autism I think though
>>
>"Hey mom have you been on 4chan? For the memes?"

I could almost taste that disappointment.
>>
>>682996847
Not even remotely cringe, come back when you're actually 18.
>>
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>first time I smoked weed
>drank a bottle of whiskey at this point
>on porch with Mr Dank man and circle of friends
>its going puff puff pass
>comes to me
>put burning end in my mouth
>inhale
>lips start to hurt
>people yelling wtf are you doing
>realize what I have done
>"well that hurt"
>stumble back in and go to sleep
>>
>>682997949
You sorta did the right thing.
>>
>>682997949
that's not even autistic, that's a great thing to do.
>>
>>682997982
>blonde stealth shitter

my sides have entered the fourth dimension.
>>
>in juvie
>people keep egging on this loud kid to fight me
>he follows me into the laundry
>starts throwing kicks at my head
>I bat away his stupid little kicks and tell him I want to smoke so he has to stop
>he keeps kicking at me
>I tell him I will share my smoke with him if he stops
>he is babbling all kinds of shit and still trying kick me in the face, punches me a bunch of times
>I take out my smoke and in my head I fully expected him to see the smoke and stop screwing around
>he snatches it
>I put him in a headlock and bash his face off the corner of the dryer a bunch of times
>I fix my smoke and smoke it
>leave, the kid is still laying there making a mess
>tell him he should probably leave or he might get blamed for my smoke
>he doesn't answer or leave
>staff sees him
>code gets called
>entire center on lockdown
>kid taken away on a board with handles
>nobody says shit
>I could have gotten away with it
>instead I buzz the pod and explain that he took something of mine
>tact team comes and dummies me up in my room, I do three months in isolation, get street charges, aggravated assault
>fight it in court ect, another shovel of shit for the pile, do conquerant sentence for it
>it never once occurs to me to mention that he was attacking me for like 2 minutes straight
>>
>>682997603
How is this news to you? Haven't you ever wondered how modern feminists are made?
>>
>>682995463
I don't know man, probably for the best you didn't rape her...
>>
>>682998669
What the fuck prompted you do to that?
>>
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I have quite many so gather around. First one:
>be me a few years ago
>never fit in much, had only 1 friend
>really desperate to get classmates to like me
>photoshop teachers into animals and shit and upload them to class group on facebook
>get a lot of comments, people start talking to me more
>nice.png
>a few weeks later, find out someone snitched on me
>delete facebook
>principal brings me in for questioning because i was the only kid that drew that good and knew photoshop related shit
>lie my way out by going to an internet cafe, i made this account with no name on it, and made a page where i uploaded the pics and set the date on diffefent days for obvious reasons
>say i got them from there
>get snitched on and kinda obvious it was me
>mfw i even made my dad lie for me
>mfw got away with it thanks to connections
Teachers still hated my guts though but i had 1 year left.
>>
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>>682997949
You are the ultimate /b/ro, good on you
>>
>>682998669
holy shit this hurts to read
>>
>>682992780
Dude when force awakens came out places all around my town had signs up about getting banned for spoilers so I believe it
>>
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>>682997603
You have no idea.
>>
>>682998227
that's why i had to go to plan b
>left supermarket
>rang a taxi
>got taxi to town
>parked outside market
>went in and got 500g steak mince
>500g smoked bacon
>250g cheddar cheese
> nice loaf of fresh crusty bread
>eat bacon dbl cheese burgers for next 3 days
>>
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Hot chick talking to friend next to me
>did you go to blah school you look familiar
>friends like no i went to blah
>i say i went to dif school
>friend asks if she was talking me
>she says no
>mfw
>>
>>682995249
This might just be actual autism muh friend.
>>
>>682996592
that's pretty rude tbh, keep doing you Anon.
>>
>>682997949
Both, anon
>>
>>682999437
Ship?
>>
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>>682996176
OMG U SAID THAT!? UR SO FUCKING RETARDED ANON.
>>
autist moment at 0:39
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFyzOP7OKrc
>>
>>682994389
only in america
>>
>Named 4chan for my references in a Computer Graphics class portfolio.
>>
>>682999012
lol
Thats alpha and autistic at the same time
>>
3rd missed sex opportunity due to autism, although I'm not sure what else I could do in this scenario..
>me and a bunch of my classmates in Florida
>partying all day and night
>end up partying with a group I didn't associate much with, but it was my friend and I that was there so wasn't too awkward
>shy quiet girl who is really attractive starts showing interest in me
>sits in my lap, grinds on me
>obvioualy been drinking but I'm glad
>end up going to that groups place with my friend
>in the bed its me her, him and another girl
>we are spooning, and after grinding/dry humping for a bit I go in
>slide my hand down her pants and start fingering her/diddling her
>She's letting out quiet mmmm moans
>think it'd be quite awkward to fuck in the same bed where 2 others are asleep
>ask her:"is there anywhere else we can go?"
>She replies 'no'.
>I stop playing with her and just cuddle her
>I just go to sleep.
>I was invited back over there for her by her friend all week, but I just ignored her..
>>
>soup or salad?
>hear super salad
>yes
>wat
>>
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>>682989972
>tfw EVERY TIME
>>
>>682999465
Your friend just sounds like an asshole
>>
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>be me
>virgin fag
>so is gf
>we decide to lose our virginities
>have no idea what im doing, cant find hole (it was dark)
>stick it somewhere
>goodenough.psd
>keep going
>cum
>pull out and theres shit everywhere
>wut
>mfw i actually put it in her ass
>gf starts crying
>i start crying
>go home crying
>>
>>682999524
It means to have a relationship with.
>>
>>682987831
>be me
>in gym
>playing dodgeball
>ball misses me, goes flying and eventually bounces on a qgt 3.14's leg as she was facing away, on her phone
>as I pick it up, she turns around, sees me , smiles and playfully says " anon pick it up, dumbass "
>brain decides for some reason to throw it full force at her face, cuz dodgeball
>do it, and somehow miss, but by inches
>shit self at the instant realization of fuckup
>she stands in pure shock for a second and screams " WHAT THE FUCK ANON? " and throws her phone at me
>" I...I uh...I ment to miss.."
>mfw i quietly get the ball back up and turn around back to the game only to see they all saw it
>all gazing apon me in shame in sheer silence


All I remember from that point on is that I was sent home because I locked myself in the locker room, trying to kill myself.


thank the heavens i missed her
>>
>>682999524
To pair two fictional characters as a couple.
>>
>>682993592
>>682994747
>>682995463
>>682996496
>>682997546
None of these happened
>>
>>682999885
anal is far superior to vaginal


you just experienced the master race, anon
>>
>>682999818
He was geniunely asking he wasnt sure, i just felt autist
>>
>>682997073
>>
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>>683000066
>>682999900
HOLY SHIT


FUCKING CHECKED
>>
>>682999716
Here in NJ, if you order something at a diner, you're probably gonna have to pick like eight options, and our waitresss are sassy as fuck.
We brought this kid from Egypt to one once and he had a complete mental fucking breakdown trying to get used to the diner system. Ordered the steak fine, but every question made him sperg further and further until he was sweating by the time he got to his desert option.
It was glorious.
>>
>>682999609
Korea actually.
>>
>>683000066
I really isn't. Your virginity is painfully obvious
>>
>>682988838

Morgan Freeman would be more appropriate... Mandela = (socially acceptable by white cuck standards) racist cunt.
>>
Not that good at telling stories, but I'll give it a shot.

>be me a year ago
>17
>best friend and I have a bro down for a weekend
>"anon invite that girl you like to come over"
>"heh, she'll never come.."
>invite her
>"I'd love to come anon, will your friend be there?"
>think nothing of it, "Y-yeah"
>decide we'll get alcohol and relax with her for the night
>night comes, one bottle of vodka and one 1 litre box orange juice
>we drink a bit, get about halfway through the bottle
>lying on bed, she lies between us, I randomly grab her ass and start massaging it, 10 minutes go by "anon, relax this is weird"
>she turns over and kisses my friend
>enter full spaghetti mode, get up, down the bottle of vodka, do 15 pushups, blackout
>when I come to I'm on top of her kissing get whole face trying to get her to kiss me too
>says she will if I brush my teeth, I puked, apparently
>stumble to bathroom, brush teeth
>come back, she pecks me on the lips, pop a boner
>"anon if you kiss your friend, I'll give you a bj"
>kiss him
>no bj
>she chases me out of the room to fuck my friend
>mfw I realise I might be destined to be a cuck
>>
>>683000221
...No
>>
>>683000312
This is the first story to actually make me feel something. Well done m8, and sorry about your agony, can't say I relate, but I feel your pain.
>>
>>683000312
This hurt a little...
>>
>>683000312
Oh :(
>>
>>683000292
>can cum inside
>no need for a condom
>doesn't occasionally bleed
>doesn't quickly get loose
>looks and feels hot AF

your inferiority in painfully obvious anon, must be sad to be unable to pleasure a woman's ass like a man, keep on crying with your one inch pinch cuckboy :^)
>>
>>682999895
>>682999905
Thank you both.
>>
>>683000552
??
>>
>>683000312
what the fuck
>>
>>683000312
Life is pain.
>>
>>682995183
Did it work?
>>
>>683000312
Sorry for your loss. Also, your friend is a scumbag.
>>
>>683000312
damn dude thats really fucking rough.. sorry that happened
>>
>>683001078
No I got slapped.
>>
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>4 years ago
>see hot mcdonalds chick
>she works nights
>see her once a week
>flirting
>one night, decide to ask her out
>alcohol will help
>drink too much
>go to mcdonalds
>order, sit down
>try to eat big mac
>mash big mac onto my hat
>stringy lettuce hanging there
>get up, leave
>>
>>682996101
Also, protip: avoid gossip queens. This girl single handedly broke up an entire group of friends with her constant gossiping.
>>
>>683000675
>can cum inside
>no need for a condom
How much of a cuck are you? You can do that to nearly every girl out there these days, they're all on the pill.

>doesn't occasionally bleed
Not an argument

>doesn't get quickly loose
Other way around if anything pal

>looks and feels hot AF
Purely subjective of course, but how do you like the feeling of sticking your dick into her last dinner? I've only done the whole anal scene once, and although it was hot to try something different, I don't want to do it again. It's fucking disgusting.
>>
>be me
>be eighth grade
>I never know what to say or when
>Teacher is crying
>says her aunt is terminal and has weeks left
>cutthetensionwithaknife.jpg
>around christmas time
>I decide to lighten the mood
>in my most autist moment yet, I blurt out
>MERRY CHRISTMAS
>she shoots me the deadliest look I've ever gotten
>leaves the room crying
>mow I never got in trouble for it
>>
>>683000739
Only counts if it's at the end of the post number.
>>
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>>682995093
You made the right call. The fact that she was slamming drinks from the start isn't exactly a sign of good things to come. Drinking a little to loosen up is one thing, but getting shitfaced to fuck your business partner is a whole different ball game, bud.
>>
>>682989972
I do this shit a lot, it barely phases me. Should i be concerned?
>>
>>683000675
Every single girl over 14 is on the pill these days dude.
>>
>>back in middle school days
>>field trip, eating lunch in some buffet style cafeteria
>>serving myself some mashed taters
>>can't get last bit of potato off spoon
>>stick serving spoon in my mouth to get last bit
>>realize what I did, look around and casually set spoon back in potatoes and go eat
>>
>be me
>be eighth grade
>I never know what to say or when
>Teacher is crying
>says her aunt is terminal and has weeks left
>cutthetensionwithaknife.jpg
>around christmas time
>I decide to lighten the mood
>in my most autist moment yet, I blurt out
>MERRY CHRISTMAS
>she shoots me the deadliest look I've ever gotten
>leaves the room crying
>mfw I never got in trouble for it
>>
>>683001276
Finally someone who fucking gets it...
>>
>>682988838
Always got them confused growing up
I feel your pain anon
>>
>>682999446
Wouldn't it be faster to say 1 lb. Vs 500g?
>>
>>683001408
Nah, people of all ages and sex do it all the time.

It's only weird if they try to fix it afterwards and don't want to let it go.
>>
>>683000265
Yea I bet, in egypt he just has to ask for the cow dick special and hes good
>>
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>Be about 14
>Mom asks me to go do an errand
>needs dripping for some shit shes cooking
>I have no idea what dripping is but go do the errand
>go to small minimart around the corner
>two teens working, guy and girl
>they're laughing with each other, bit of flirting
>I can't find "dripping" anywhere
>go up to teens
>"Do you guys sell dripping here?"
>teens look at each other and laugh
>guy scoffs "No, but we do sell lard...?"
>I'm confused and embarrassed
>"uh okay nevermind"
>walk out

>Mom then tells me that dripping and lard are the same thing
>>
eyyy b0ss
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFyzOP7OKrc
>>
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>>683000618
>>683000636
>>683000643
>>683001043
>>683001109
>>683001115


It's ok, I'm resolute with life's unfairness.
>>
>>682997949
Autist. A real bro would've gone for the Eiffel Tower.
>>
>>682996319
This. Sad that this is what the world is like now.
>>
>>683001445
>2016
>trusting girls to be on birth control
>>
>>682996271
From A Better Tomorrow 2
>>
Anyone else here look alpha, but is socially awkward?
I'm always getting cashiers/drive through window girls to stumble over words.
4/5 times when I say thank you, they say you too and turn red.
But fuck conversation...
>>
>>682999380
So that's theatrical autism.
>>
>be 13
>middle school roller skating dance
>decide to attempt roller skating limbo
>fall hard on my ass
>and I mean HARD
>realize my leggings are soaked
>?
>mfw I realized i just pissed all over the gym floor
>directly underneath the limbo bar

no one saw but I started laughing about it with some girls in the locker room afterwards
>>
>>683002000
I'm way too broke for anyone to try that shit on me.
>>
>>682999660
I'm guessing you're a virgin or a teen?
>I woulda hit it
If you played your cards right you could've had both those girls that night.
>4way4fun
>>
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>>682987831
>be me
>duck dodgers one of my favorite childhood shows
>idk some gradeschool class.
>english teacher: "How say to duck in english" (my native language)
>idk.jpg is or duck or dodgers because the motherfucker is a duck
>50% 50% well I think last name must be the name of the animal.
>my answer: "dodgers"
>laughing_kids.jpg
>Gods spear in my kido heart.
>>
>>683002125
tits or gtfo
>>
>>683002125
Tits or gtfo,
>>
>>682989972
I work at checking in people to a cruise ferry. I have gotten so sick of getting the reply "you too" after wishing them a pleasant journey. It bugs me so much that I have started stating in the most serious tone that I am not going. You should see their retarded faces when it happens.
>>
>>683002036
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZuhYJynSk8
>>
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>>683002125
I don't think so, sweetheart
>>
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>>683002286
What the fuck did you just type?
Was that an actual attempt at the English language?
>>
>>683002125
Tits, time stamp, or gtfo
>>
>>682994835
This
>>
>>683002000
This
Always wear a rubber as well. Can't trust nobody, especially women.
>>
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>>683001797

if your mum is cooking with lard she's basically killing you both
>>
I setup assistive technology for blind clients.
> Well, any more questions?
> Was great hanging out, see ya later!
>>
>>683001447
Fucking topkek jesus
>>
>>682991859
Probably got hired because it's a joke from your bosses time, still impressive though.
>>
>>683002291
>>683002347
>>683002419
She wasn't really attention-whoring.
>>
>>683002354
Wow you're a faggot, kill yourself
>>
>>683002286
>english (my native language)

Right
>>
>>683002558
>she
>>
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>>683002558
Oh, no.
I'm not saying she's attention whoring. I'm saying that the story is suspect.
>>
>>683001276
Can't trust the pill faggot.
Do you want babies?!?! Because that's how you get babies. I have two. She was on BC for the first, second was intentional.
>>
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>28 years old
>girl i like
>she always ignores my texts
>get drunk
>say 'fine don't talk to me you fucking bitch, i hope you kill yourself'
>blocked on facebook next day
>>
>>683002677
We weren't allowed access to the bathrooms while wearing skates and I pissed all over the gym floor after falling

Lol what's so sus? Just wanted to share my cringiest moment
>>
>>683002464
>>683002595
I understood that fine you guys are idiots. His teacher asked that in his language, not english
>>
>>683002974
Your attitude
>>
>>683001365
There's Dubz at the end of those quads...so...
>>
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>>683003022
>I understood that fine you guys are idiots
>>
>>683002590
Bet this happened to you a lot
>>
>>683002922
That shit can get you into legal trouble.
>>
>>683003051
i can laugh at my own autism m8
>>
>>683003159
How daft are you
>>
>>683001447
KektimusPrime.jpeg
>>
>>683003174

i hope not, i have ceased contacting her and i didn't make any threats
>>
>>683002354
Kekd
>>
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>>682987831
>grade 6
>in anger management program but in a regular class that i earned
>at a table
>trying to draw neater
>turn the page sideways and write
>perfect writing
>yell "FUCK YEAH I CAN WRITE"
>entire class is talking
>voice muffled
>teacher doesnt know a thing
>look back on this and realize everybody heard but said nothing

tfw I became friends with everybody in HS and overcame my inability to socialize
>>
>>683003369
I'm not "daft" because you don't know how to speak a single proper sentence you fucking british tard
>>
>>683002922
Why would you bring up suicide
>>
>>683003369
Remember the thread theme.

>>683003448
Good, you should be fine then.
>>
>>683003560
>speak a sentence
Lol ok asshat
>>
Was in class. Think it was history. Hot girl in front of me. My friend whispered to me that I should say 9/11. Screamed 9/11 while spaghettios fell out of my pocket. I pissed on the entire gym floor. Everyone pointed and whispered for the rest of eternity. Ran out of class room, clashed with my crush. Suddenly I was 13 years old and attemped rolles skates, but I couldn't because I tripped on all my crusty socks. I died.
>>
>>683003597

i dont know, i go to dark places when i drink to excess
>>
>>683003757
I like this version
>>
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>>683003888
Nice trips, i feel ya
>>
>>683003159
Commas!!!!! Use fucking commas!!!!
>>
>>683004131
Why the fuck are you saying that to me? That's exactly what my point was, which is why it's greentexted
>>
>>682991859
zozzle
>>
>>683004131

i fucking hate commas on b i just shitpost that shit straight across like we did back in shithawk down you know shitclocks tickin rick

what do you think we're trying to do here nigger write middlemarch or tess of the durbervilles fuck no its shitposting
>>
>>683002492
her food always tasted fantastic so I don't mind
>>
>>683004319
Idk, I clicked the wrong post lel sue me
>>
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>>683004416
Classic shit post, right there
>>
>>683004416
Shitpost award awarded for shitpost.
>it comes with your choice of KYS or GTFO
>>
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>>683004416
>>
>>683004441
Maybe I will
>>
>>683004633
Just a little drinky poo?
>>
>>683004416
Quit injecting those marijuanas
>>
>>683004788
Just one more little drinky poo, bobandy
>>
If you can't interpret a sentence without a comma kill yourself
>>
>>683004775
You may sue me for muh tism, but you'll never take away muh FREEEEEEDOMMMM! murica
>>
>>683004892
amen
>>
>>683004416
And here we have it, the most autistic post in this autism thread.
>>
>>683004892
If you can't pass English without a Cock in your mouth, please get the fuck off of the internet
Thread replies: 313
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