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Useless super powers #2
The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.
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Useless super powers #2
You can breathe under water, however the water must be boiling.
>>
>>682580240
You are invincible, but only when you fart.
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>>682580240
You have xray vision but you can only look through windows
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>>682580240
You can unlock any door if you have the key.
>don't need to put key in lock
>still need key on hand tho
>>
You can fly but only when you sleep.
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>>682582133
Kek, that's a good one.
>>
you can read peoples minds but only if you scream what they're thinking
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>>682580240
You secrete a pheromone that makes you irresistible to men.

You are able to walk on water, but only while wearing crocs

You are able to change your gender, but only while you're inside public bathrooms
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>>682580240
You can fly but only when you close your eyes
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You can manipulate animals after they copulate with you
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>>682582342
Not useless at all.
Interrogate criminals or spies or terrorists.
Get at least one good piece of info out of them
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>>682582590
>How to give /b/ an army.
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>>682580240
Everybody has this power you fucking moron.
As water boils in evaporates into fucking air, you breathe that shit.
>>
You don't gain weight by eating unhealthy, but healthy stuff makes you fat
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You have laser vision but only while looking at reflective surfaces
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You can teleport just once
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>>682582928
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You can make any woman cum.
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You have super speed when you faint.
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You're bulletproof, but only if you're the one shooting yourself.
>>
You can make a good thread on /b/, but it's not this one.
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High intelligence, but decreases every time you do something smart
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Instantly seduce women with no consequences.
But only black women.
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Lethal farts, but you're not immune to them
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>>682583214
jej. well done, friend
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>>682580629
thank god im lactose intolerant. Cheese every meal. Every day. Non stop.
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>>682580240
You can read everyone's thoughts on the planet but only all at the same time and same volume.
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You can cure cancer, but its replaced with fast-acting leprosy.
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You can speak all languages, but understand none.
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Time travel, but only forward a few seconds, once a day.
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Can forget permanently bad memories, but only if they just happened and you have to take rohypnol
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>>682580240
You have a never-ending bottle of Jankem
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You can travel one second to the future with a delay of 9 hours between trips.
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You can breathe fire, but your lungs, throat, and mouth are not impervious to it.
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>>682584063
see >>682583781
>>
Go a few seconds forward in time, limited to once per day.
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Get any job just by walking in... because you're black
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>>682583781
>>682584063
>>682584169
nigga
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>>682580240
Able to create illusionary entities that stick around for hours that are fully sentient, but only you can interact with them.
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You never need to wipe your ass... because you shit from your nostrils.
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You have telekinesis but you can't use it on anything that isn't a hamster
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You have the most common super power in the world. You're a guy.
>>
You can give any woman the best orgasm in the world, but, only men are attracted to you.
>>
You can circumcise yourself and vice versa at will.
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>>682582587
dude thatd be fucking beast still. think about it. mark your trajectory, close eyes, make your eye, open for a brief moment to get your barrings while falling, then close to get to destination.
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The ability to give orders no one can disobey, including yourself
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>>682583242
this is gold
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You gain super intelligence while you are being raped
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>>682582959
not bad, you get a second chance in case youre in a life or death situation. just teleport the fuck out of the situation
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You have the ability to accurately predict the outcome of every coin toss you make, but only if you're alone.
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>>682584575
That is not a useless power just a dangerous one.
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>>682584527
landing would be fun
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You are completely invisible but only when no cameras or living objects are looking at you.
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You're acquitted of all crimes... because you're a woman
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>>682582587
Better yet, you can fly, but you can only ever gain altitude.
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You can spit fire when you have a dick in your mouth.
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You are the most powerful being in existence, but only when your father rapes you
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>>682584427
How powerfully can you fling hamsters?
That could be some dangerous/hilarious shit.
You could call yourself The Hamster Cannon, have a bag full of hamsters.
Make them orbit you and launch them at deadly velocities.
>>
Your anus can stretch to any width, and can accomodate items of any length, like a bag of holding. But if you make a video of it, you will never have any friends and your family will disown you.
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You can communicate with animals, but all you can do is reference tumblr memes.
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>>682585197
>The Hamster Cannon
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Instant mastery of any video game.
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You can speak any language when someone is choking you
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>>682584650
it's a fetish bro
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You get super strength for an hour only after drinking 3 ounces of semen
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>>682585434
kek
>>
You can predict all bad events that will happen to you, but can't change the future.

Basically you just get a vivid preview of all the bad stuff before it happens
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>>682584830
suicide
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>>682585475
I'd take a cumshot to beef up for an hour. I'd just start saving my jizz in little vials and work it into my superhero costume.
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Immunity to the effects of marijuana.
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You gain wings but you can't fly.
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>>682582486
i find all of these extremely useful.
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>>682582808
Underated post.
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God-like ability to sing, but the music industry.
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>>682584998
does not look to me, but through me, still invisible?
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>>682585296
Still great for smuggling drugs and stuff, who needs to make a video of it
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>>682585127
again, a fetish
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You can turn invisible but only the parts covered by clothing.
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>>682585726
No they cant be looking in your direction at all,
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>>682585814
Green suit, problem solved.
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>>682580240
The ability to communicate with vegans and feminists without offending them
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>Meat-ray vision.
>It's like heat-resistant vision
>But you shoot sausages out of your eyes
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>>682585475
super gay, super strong
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>>682585936
Heat-ray*
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>>682585936
Hi Timmy's dad.
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>>682585936
I swear, that's a thing in, like, Powerpuff Girls or something. Or Fairly Oddparents. Some childhood cartoon.
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>>682585873
The clothes don't turn invisible. Thought that was obvious.
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>>682584489
>>682584489
Your dick can circumcise you too? I don't think you know how vice versa works
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>>682585936
Solid fairly odd parents rip off

also not even useless, you could end world hunger
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>>682586049
Oh. My bad.
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You gain immortality for 1 second once.
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X-ray vision but you can only see through shoes
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The power to make all women want to have sex with you instantly, but you have a 50% chance of a rape charge afterwards.
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>>682586130
You obviously have a foot fetish
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>>682586240
Well hopefully the judge is a woman
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>>682586033
Fairly odd parents.
Used to watch it with my nephew.
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Invisibility, but you cannot resist screaming Polo when someone says Marco.
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being invisible when noone is looking
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You can erase the memories from a dead person
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>>682586240
the last part sounds like life on a college campus
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>>682585296
I can almost do that already.
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>>682586354
That would be an excellent way to
earn how to be stealthy.
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>>682583242
>freeze motherfucker
>shit! *shoots self and falls over
>well I guess he's dead
>have time to plan your attack while on the ground
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>>682586064
Oops, my bad.
>>
Immunity to all diseases, but also a highly contagious carrier of all diseases
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The ability to bend elements only while your penis is touching said element
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the ability to know if no game no life is still make light novels or if they finished. And if you told someone like me for example, and post your mailing address, I would mail you a free blowjob
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Ability to shit whatever currency you choose, but only after the fall of humanity and money means nothing
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>>682582928
Please dunk your head into a tub full of water and inhale
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>>682586499
This one's the best of the whole thread
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The ability to suicide bomb without any bombs.
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You can ejaculate wasabi sauce, and you FEEL it.
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>>682586582
Wouldn't food, water, gas and bullets be considered "currency" after the fall of humanity
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>>682586764
Would still feel good if you ejaculate it.
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>>682585475
/fit/ already does that.
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>>682586800
oh
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>>682586823
You enjoy intense burning sensations?
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>>682586800
oh, snap. dont forget ladyboys
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You cry semen.
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>>682586499
Plaguebarer
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The ability to see anyone nude. But only if they are ages 90 and up.
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>>682587036
Someone somewhere would be happy to have that power.
I would bet my life on that.
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You can talk to all deities, but they don't really like you that much and find excuses to hang up asap.
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>>682586582
>>682586800
>>682586913
too many kek's were had imagining someone shitting some good ol' ladyboy currency
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The ability to make every woman want to have sex with you, but they automatically turn lesbian when you put your penis in any of their holes.
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>>682587218
With how depraved I am I'd be happy to eat ass and get a handjob and end there.
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>>682584998
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You have an elastic body but you can't go back to your original shape.
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>>682586499
Bubble Boy
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>>682587218
Then just tell them its ok cause you concider yourself a chick with a dick. Tricky bastard.
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>>682586965
Your tears are able to heal any wound. But they're still semen.
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>>682587437
Kek!
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>>682587142
>Call God.
>Hey God what is the meaning of life?
>Oh hey Anon, can't talk right now.
>I am making more people.
>Shit, gotta go I think they are burning.
>You said you want less niggers right?
>Hangs up.
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The ability to run fast only if you have a hotdog up your butt
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>>682587218
The ability to make every woman want to have sex with you, but they shout rape when you put your penis in any of their holes.
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>>682587547
Ah fuck, all I can think of is that video where the fatass in a sweater shoves a hot dog up his aforementioned fat ass.
Was floating around /b/ some time ago.
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>>682587547
how is that useless? you get pleasure and you can run fast. I can crack a walnut between my asscheeks holding a hotdog is no problemo.
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Your piss is sweet wine, but everything you drink tastes like piss.
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You gain the ability to know how to drive any vehicle while you are drunk
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>>682586354
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The power of having an orgasm every 10 seconds.
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You can turn invisible as long as you are screaming.
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The ability to talk with snails
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You cum enough to fill a pint glass, but only when a true christian cums in your butt.
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>>682584276
How in the FUCK is that useless?
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>>682587837
It's something.
>Man points gun at you
>Scream and run in a zig zag.
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You can make women orgasm on command, but the command word is saying NIGGERFAGGOT three times as loud as you can.
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>>682587849
>>682587802
Every 10 seconds you cum enough to fill a pint glass.
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The ability to seduce any lifeform different from your own specie.
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>>682587837
Install a diy muffler into your mouth.
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You can mind-access the 4chan, but it's summer.
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>>682582486
>You are able to change your gender, but only while you're inside public bathrooms
>implying I don't already do that
Thank you pro-LGBT laws. Now I can be a "woman" whenever I want.
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>>682584575
EARPLUGS
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>>682588140
>What is skull vibrations?
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>>682584575
>okay everyone, suck my dick
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>>682582928
Fuck ur dumb
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>>682585475
>>682587849
If you combine them, and find a true christian wiling to buttfuck you for the greater good, this could actually work
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>>682583572
Leprocy can be cured
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You're arms and hads can move really fast but you wern't born with a brain so you're just fucked.
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>>682588039
How is that useless? I'd seduce a bunch of frogs and have a slimy frog orgy
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The ability to puke without opening the mouth
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>>682587999
Still totally worth it.
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>>682588304
fast-acting
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>>682581906
Kek
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You can roll quads every time, but only in ylyl threads.
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You are immortal but you must consume the hearts of 100 virgins every year to maintain your immortality.
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You have the ability to command to aligators, however you do not know what an aligator is.
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>>682584276
Espionage, dude. God-tier espionage.
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the power to win arguments over the Internet
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>>682588458
You never explicitly said human virgins.
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>>682588370
get Leo on the phone, noone can act faster than him
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You can move your hair.
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>>682582133
This is hilarious, but would at least be super convenient.
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>>682588520
No way that is the shittiest power I ever heard of.
Crawl back into your moms vagina you autistic pleb.
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>>682588299
Ha, you could make videos of your epic cum loads to earn money to donate for a cure for cancer. You get the world's biggest orgasm, and the christian nut does some good by being a temporary fag.
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>>682588563
Leoprosy? Your skin falls off and it turns out you're Leonardo DiCaprio underneath? Sold.
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You have the ability to power any electronic, but only if it has a power source.
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>>682588458
You didn't specify human virgin hearts, so just eat a handful of maggots or something
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The ability to read your own mind.
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>>682580240
>>682580629
>>682581906

Say x but only if y is dumb and a faggot cop out
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>>682588458
How is it immortality then?
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>>682585197
Abilitys like a hamster shield
Hamster hammer for close combat
Make yourself a hamstermecha although that would take a while to master
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Ultimate fertility, but your children hate you.
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>>682588895
I had a chuckle.
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>>682588844
Cause you won't die. You'll just keep returning to life if you get killed, and you won't die of old age either.
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>>682588458
I'll guess I'll just eat everyone in /b/
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>>682588681
>useless
clearly someone doesn't pay their own electric bill
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>>682580240

Ability to touch lava with your penis once
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>>682588988
>in
kill yourself
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>>682584790
Good one here.
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You can choose whether or not your next ejaculation will yield strong sperm, so you never need a condom but you can still have kids if you so desire, but it comes out of your ears instead of your cock.
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The ability to replicate any fart
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You have the power of being super amazing at sex but are cursed so that everyone you have sex with remembers it as being the worst sex of their life.
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>>682589117
Then why the fuck does it matter?
I can fuck chicks non-stop and not worry about brats as long as I don't try to use her pussy like a seashell
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10 inch cock that can't get erect, even with drugs
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>>682589267
Yeah and be known as the guy who has semen fly out of his ears? Real ladykiller
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>>682589026
Fuck yourself
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> people will give you their full, uninterrupted, serious attention every time you speak

> can only speak shitty memes
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>>682586852
Underrated post
>>
>>682589358
Earwax flavored semen
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The ability to always know which numbers will be chosen in a lottery, but only when you don't tell (or communicate it to) anyone, and only when you haven't bought a ticket.
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>>682586512
Not useless tho.
Even if your penis is in your pants it's touching cloth, so fling clothes off of people for lols.
Put a rock in your pants = instant earth bender.
You could also instantly take your pants off without touching them.
>>
predict the weight of anyone's next bowel movement
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>>682581906
>>>682580240
>You have xray vision but you can only look through windows
Fine window pane glasses
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>>682584742
>>682584742
>Rob a bank fucking 200 miles away and teleport back to your house with all your winnings instantly
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The ability to have anal periods once a month.
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>>682589424
Would let somebody else buy the ticket...
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>>682589500
also, totally making elemental fleshlights
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control the color of your poop
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>>682589716
Purple poop with a yellow swirl? Yes please.
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Sneezes that kill, no drawbacks needed
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Ability to crabwalk on ice without slipping
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You can grow another human inside you but if you don't every month you feel shitty and bleed for a week
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>>682580240
The power to grow your hair out as long as you want it.
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>>682589898
kek
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The ability to heal from any injury, but you experience pain at a 1000x greater intensity. That includes the typically mild pain from exercising.
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>>682589898
Nice power, i'd just mass produce humies to do my dirty work
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the power to make fart sounds... from your peehole!
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>>682589898
Not useless.

Male pregnancy fetish anyone?
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>>682590033
you're stupid
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>>682590033
It's a joke.
Women, he's talking about babies.
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>>682582587
Then you just perfect echo-location.
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>>682590062
pussyfarts and dickfarts already happen tho
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>>682590083
Go on
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>>682580240

>you know how to fuck a cunt properly
>but only when you have gay thoughts in your head
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>>682590140
There's nothing in the Air for your clicks to reflect on retard. especially when ur flying.
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>>682590102
the whole point was that it wasn't specified that you needed a partner for insemination, or what state the grown humans would be in when they emerged. I got that it was a period reference.
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>>682590149
pussyfarts yes, dickfarts? whaaaaaaaat?
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You can rape HIV infested women without getting criminal charges.
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>>682590367
and cure your own HIV by raping african virgins?
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the ability to identify people based solely on the feel of their asshole pucker
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You get super saiyan type strength for an hour, but only after you fap in front of a homeless vet.
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The ability to summon wild animals to your side
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Everytime you look at a woman they queef.
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>>682590807
that's not useless at all
>>
The ability to win the game
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The ability to quickly master all martial arts, but only after you are paralysed from the neck down.
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ITT: people don't know what the word useless means
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>>682590807
it's supposed to be useless superpowers, not dream superpowers
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>>682590807
fap in front of homeless vet
rob bank
????
profit
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>>682584852
>You blink till the altitude is low enough not to die.
>slow down
>profit
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>>682590807
you have the saiyan hair-genes, they always grow back into the same haircut and don't grow any longer. But it is a super shitty haircut
>>
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>>682590807
Stupid fuck
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You've Achillean type skin but only around your left ankle.
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>>682580240
I have Klutzokenisis The power to make a random object fall over on the other side of the room. I have no control of it and it happens randomly.
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>>682584790
>Predict the outcome of the next coin toss you make all by yourself.
>Go make a bet
>Since you already knew the outcome drom when you wer by yourself.
>instant win
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you shit food if you eat shit
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You ejaculate napalm, but you're a girl.
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>>682591215
Pretty useful in a survival situation
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>>682590183
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>>682591198
Naw, you have to flip the coin alone as well.
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>>682585406
LoL tournaments are giving 1000000 dollars as prices.
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>>682590898
>>682590942
>>682590976
>>682591025
But, the strength can only be used in vacant parking lots.
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>>682591289
I should have specified that you need to eat the shit and not throw it up
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>>682590939
Useless just means shitty right?
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you can see in the dark only when under direct sunlight
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>>682580240
The ability to swap transparency,
>air is clear, wall blocks vision
>wall is now clear but air blocks your vision

>you can only see through something if your eye is pressed directly up against that object
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>>682591215
You could show Bear Grylls (or however his name is spelled) how to survive.
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>>682590367
Condom?
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>>682580240
> can see in pitch black
> eyes gouged out during rough pegging session
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The ability to transform into a cat at a Chinese meat market.
>>
Aquaman is the definition of useless. Only worse thing would be aquawoman...
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>>682591370
Yeah. You eat other people's shit and crap out burgers, noodles, steak. Good in a food shortage, at least for the oher survivors. You sacrifice yourself for the good of others.
>>
you're invisible when noone is looking (also no cams)
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>>682591295
more
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>>682590807
Summerfag else where
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>>682591591
Aquanigress?
>>
>>682591636
You're like the fifth person in this thread to reference Mystery Men.
>>
you can have your dream job but you don't get paid
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>>682591614
would you though? even better, would you eat a burger that someone who ate shit just shat out?
>>
>>682591702
I did what?
not on purpose, it just came to my mind
>You're immune to deadly poison
>but only the second time you get poisoned
>>
The ability to become a nigger at will.
>>
>>682591805
not useless if you get to change back
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>>682586064
No, your dick is sapient and can trim your skin about the face and neck if it so chooses.
>>
>you unleash a super disgusting smell
>but you need to open your mouth
>>
>>682591805
infilltrate them and destroy them
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>>682590853
Useless?
I would love that ability.

>"What did you just say Becky?"
>*queef*
>"Damn straight"
>>
>>682591870
Did I say you could change back? You're a chimp forever.
>>
>>682590807
just take wild animals to them so they can make money
>>
you can turn into a Tooth Once
one-way-ticket
>>
>>682591764
If that means that my kids have something to eat in a desperate situation, why not? Furthermore, you said I'll crap out food, so it would not *be* shit; i.e. no smell or taste of shit. Pretty useful power, imo.

>gonna have to learn how to enjoy literally eating my children's shit though, so fuck me sideways
>>
the ability to always have people care when you post, but they reply with shitposts
>>
you can walk into a TV-Show world and live there
it's MLP and you become "Autistic Faggotson"
>>
>>682582808
kek
>>
your anus has taste-buds
>>
the ability to access every pager in the world with your mind!
>>
>>682592203
Who the fuck uses a pager anymore?
>>
>>682592203
but only 1 for every 10 terrorists members you kill
>>
>>682592092
Fair enough, not useless superpower then.
But you have to agree that it a shitty power non the less. (also -5 to agility for pun)
>>
>>682592203
but you can't choose which one
>>
>>682592289
exactly
>>
The ability to converse eloquently with, and only with, a Tic-Tac. Once.
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>>682592337
fail
>>
>>682587342
e l a s t i c d i c k
>>
>>682592439
Why "fail?" Seems pretty useless to me.
>>
the ability to get quints every time but the are never checked
>>
The ability to crap diamonds. But, you bleed out 1 pint of blood for each diamond.
>>
>>682582808
KEK
>>
>>682592673
anal stretching and a high fiber diet will solve this
>>
>>682586852
Underrated post
>>
>>682592673
how is that useless?!
>>
>>682591591
Aquaman is completely relevant actually.
>>
ability to know what food you ate on the same day 10 years ago.
>>
>>682592845
Cause, they're blood diamonds. You'd have to go to the black market.
>>
File: 1458447026164.png (138 KB, 350x350) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
1458447026164.png
138 KB, 350x350
>>682593045
>blood diamonds
>>
The ability to start a new thread, but no one responds.
>>
>>682593162
Kek
>>
>>682593162
I think I have that
>>
>>682593162
>>682593216
me too
Thread replies: 309
Thread images: 13
Thread DB ID: 34232



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