ITT we pretend we work in an office.
The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.
ITT we pretend we work in an office.
>>676406883
*Masturbate under desk*
Hey Jerry, I'll need the files for the ricoh client on my desk by the end of the day.
>>676407146
I think tom is having a seizure his arm is spazzing and he keeps on moaning
>on phone
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"Yes, I know. I'm sorry you feel that way."
"As I mentioned, there is nothing more we can do in this situation."
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
>>676407363
Holy shit your right someone should go and check on him
*Sings Eric Clapton Outloud*
Isis hotline
Hey, Tom, could y- OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK
>>676407534
*you're
You'dbe fired for sloppy grammar in your reports
>>676407642
Hey if you don't stop that I'll have to get the manager again. We're trying to fucking work.
>>676407897
Stare into your eyes and keep going until i bust
Fucking hell where is my fucking coffee i need to finish this fucking shit already fucking newfags bring me my coffee now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>>676407939
your mom is a bitch and you're a faggot happy now ?
God damnit wheres the fucking glue stick.
>on phone
*mute*
>>676407642
*cough cough* On the phone here.
*un-mute*
"Yes, I know. I understand your point, I would feel that way too."
>>676407940
*SINGING INTENSIFIES*
>>676407171
Ok, except I ate them.
>>676408488
GOD DAMMIT SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I WILL BREAK THIS RULER ON YOUR HEAD.
NOW WHERE IS MY FUCKING COFFEE??????
>>676408343
*Stares directly at you singing and stroking my thigh*
Phil, can you check on the forms for Miller again, it seems that the address has changed. There's a mail from last week with the new address.
>>676408221
BOSS!! anonfag is cursing again
>>676406883
Oh for fucks- WHO REPLACED OUR INK WITH JIZZ?
GOD DAMNIT MIKE! YOUR FUCKING HIPSTER ASS MECHANICAL KEYBOARD IS KILLING MY EARS!
Yeah if you could just have those TPS reports on my desk by this afternoon that would be great, yeah.
>>676408946
Haha YEAH! Fuck Corporate! Metal!
>>676409049
WOULD YOU STOP YELLING YOU SON OF A BITCH IM TRYING TO WORK, AND WHERE IS MY FUCKING COFFEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok really funny guys, who took my keyboard? come on.
>>676409171
Will do!
>Doesnt do
>>676408753
>on phone
"Let me look into that for you, one second please"
*mute*
SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.
*un-mute*
"Sorry, I looked but there is no record of that. Is there anything else I may assist you with?"
Hi my name is Sam, are you guys hiring? I'd like to apply for a job.
Paul fucking chew with your mouth shut
Inspirational video meeting now!
https://youtu.be/K23_vkcsncA
>>676408153
Much better. Can you manage there, their and they're yet?
Hey this is human resources. You guys are really gonna have to calm down on all the aggressive and unpolitical correct behavior.
>>676406883
It smells like ass, semen, and disappointment in here.
>>676409979
Fuck you. dickhead college queer
STEVE SHUT THE FUCK UP. I'M TRYING TO WORK HERE!
Hi guys, I'm the new guy, Frank.
So, where is my cubicle located?
>has diarrhea in middle of office floor
>proceeds to take off clothes
>rolls around in shit
>uses shit as fap lube
>cum in jill's coffee
>scoop up a little shit with it
>make jill deepthroat my shit cock while pouring hot coffee all over dick
>>676409491
Sorry but due to equality targets we are only hiring ethnic minorities and the disabled, do you fit either?
but... I really work in an office! :(
>>676410190
Fuck u
>>676406883
" Pam, can I have two copies of the report and your pussy?"
>>676410174
>Implying you and Steve are not secretly carrying on a homosexual relationship where he regularly drills into your boi pussy like an auger.
WOULD YOU NIGGER DICK SUCKERS BRING ME A COFFEE IM DOING STUFF GOD DAMMIT
FUCK THIS SHIT IM TIRED OF THIS
I quit
>throws 75 pound CRT out of 30th story window
*kneel down and start praying in Arabic in front of my desk*
ALLAAAAAAAAAAH WACKBAR!
>>676410327
Alright, you piece of shit. I guess I'll take this open cubicle.
>>676410365
sorry. the computer says no.
>>676410119
Using the word queer marginalizes homosexuals in our society. You should refrain from using that biggotive hate speech.
Phil, seriously, we need this before they decide against that contract!
Otherwise they'll get the new 63-C and save themselves fiddy per month.
>>676407171
Who's Jerry?
>>676410190
Take your pants off and bark like a dog, Frank.
m-muh stapler
>>676409334
Did you check your desk, anon?
>>676410365
That's harassment. You have an interview with HR later today. In the meantime, please clear your desk
>>676409049
rubber dome master race reporting
>>676410365
Hello Mr. Donger, I am Mr. Memee,
Your HR...
After the many cases of sexual harassment, we have to let you go before we get sued... SEE YOU LATER FAGGOT
>>676410596
Piss off, Derek.
FUCK THIS SHIT EVERYONE GET DOWN!
>>676410777
FUCK, OKAY, ALRIGHT SHEEESH
>>676406883
How come we still have muhamad as coworkers, shouldnt sand people be all fired after 2015 attacks ???
IT'S LUNCH BREAK.
>>676410777
sweet quads bro
Should've called in sick today
>>676409171
Return my stapler, fgt
>>676410777
LUCKY 777, YOU WIN A FREE HUG!
>>676410190
Frank who?
Er, I guess you can have Rick's cubicle, he hasn't shown up for like 2 years anyway. Just ask the admin for a new user account and don't open any folder not in C:\ .
>>676407146
omg my fucking sides
Hey guys I think the printer's broken. Can someone help me?
this is super critical, but I'm going to ping you about unrelated shit all day
>>676411068
I cant but can you get me a coffee while fixing the printer
>>676406883
Sharon. We've been our of staples for 2 days now. Im really tired of recycling used ones. My fingers hurt. Please. Sharon
>tries to be the guy from google ultron greentext
>fail miserably because I have the subtlety or a napalm-covered elephant
>gets fired
>>676411068
https://youtu.be/pD2xBXm4y70?t=25s
>>676411068
If you just kick it, it should start up again
Hey uhm, i'm new here. You're "Anon" right? Can you show me where the kitchen is?
>>676411068
Oh it is just out of paper. It is a common mistake anyone could make
fucking retard
Yeeeeaaahhhhh what's happening were putting a cover sheet on all TPS reports. Didn't you get the memo?
Tim, could you get me those fucks? thanks
>>676411475
sure. it's out that window, nigger.
Hey guys is it bring your kid to work day yet? He's always asking about tendies
>>676411068
is it out of toner again?
>>676410706
Sexual harassment you say.....
I broke the coffee machine and clogged the handicap bathroom, my b
>>676406883
>whispers
hey you guys, anybody wants to go smoke some poop in the back lot? i got a bubbler in my car
gets you high as shit nigger
>>676406883
Get me those Bateman dub figures ASAP as possible!
>>676411900
give me five minutes, I'll meet you out back.
>>676411509
Kek'd
>>676406883
We ran out of fucking rare Pepes. Dan was supposed to get them from shipping and handling! All I got is this out-dated feels Pepe.
>'Sure thing Mrs. Smithenstein. It should be rebooting now.'
>'Oh Violet? That's a real pretty name, mam. Shame its so rare these days.'
>'Yes I have a girlfriend. I won't tell her a thing. He he.'
>'No I'm actually up in Michigan. I just schedule the appts. Wish I was somewhere a little warmer.'
>con't to rub it out to completion as she carries on with innuendos and her voice us so fucking sexy.
>sounds hubby prob hasn't fucked her in years
>good thing I'm in a semi isolated cubicle in the corner, what a mess.
>wrap up call, go into disposition and grab my Lysol wipes.
>next call is return to the hell that is tech support
>>676412101
hellz yea nigger, thought i was the only poopsmoker in the office
Anyone else see the new guy take the only two Boston Cream donuts from the box Becky from HR brought in? What a dick, he hasnt earned anything frosted yet
>>676406883
THAT FUCKER OVER THERE JUST GRABBED MY WILLY!
>>676406883
when da next match at suka nigra blyat?
>>676412289
John, HR wants to see you, something about your previous phone call.
>>676410528
*grabs it before it hits the ground, comprising identity as Elastigirl*
>>676412525
Fuck you Carol. Fuck you and your silly meme posters you always quote at meetings.
Go to hell.
>>676412387
Yeaa, what a frothy dick
Let's find out which fucker desu and we try to corner him one day in the washroom AND WE FUCK HIS ASS HARD AND FILL IT WITH CUM
Guys I ran out of dubs, can someone lend me some?
You guys are all going to my open mic stand up at the chuckle box tonight right?
>>676409912
Over there is where they're going for their anal exams.
>>676412731
REALLY WANNA DO THIS AGAIN JOHNATHAN?
HEY, do we have more of those pencils? Mine BROKE, can you believe it?
WHO ATE MY LUNCH IT WAS CLEARLY LABELED WITH MY NAME
*steals all of the coffee mugs after everyone leaves*
>>676412829
Fuck you poop grubber, get your own
>>676412988
Oh I thought we had an open fridge policy here
>>676412988
You're mom
Morpheus?
>>676412988
Your name is also Peter? And I wondered why there was a box with my name on it…
>sits at desk for 3rd week in a row where there has been no interaction with other staff beyond "good morning"
>considers quitting
>considers suicide.
>>676412988
I'm pretty sure that sandwich was for everyone. As if you couldn't stand to skip a meal anyway.
HOLY SHIT SOME ONE IS HAVING A SEIZURE CALL THE AMBURRANCE!!
>>676413100
Go sticks those 0s up your ass
>comes back from smoking poop in the backlot with anon
>so high as shit nigger i start shouting
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1DilAUW0MNO
>>676409912
Two, to and too are equally important.
And I need the specs on BS 919 and BS 84:2001 for the guys in R&D.
I swear they're doing this shit on purpose.
Guys where's Derreck??
He said he was avalaible to help me with my work but he doesnt seem to be here
Man fuck Derreck
>>676413273
Hey, steve, we're going to the club tonight, be there.
>>676413718
This is 911 what is your emergency?
>>676413787
shhhhh, nigger you want HR on us? I'm already on probation from last time.
>>676414053
Do you have battletoads?
>>676406883
TOM PLEASE DON'T CUM IN YOUR PAPERWORK ..
cum in me
>>676407146
Let me get the condoms.
>>676406883
hate my job plan a mass shoting
Coleman, have you seen that video? Wait, I'm sending it over, it's just 24 meg.
Hey Tim could you pass the shit?
>>676414178
No but i have combatfrogs
Somebody have a lighter?
>>676414178
>>676414392
yea man
Wanna go smoke some poop in the backlot? I have a bubbler in my car
ok so its time. i rive to work and tim in the face witha shootgun. for being a fagot.
>>676406883
"You normies have ruined this office for long enough, I'm gonna unload, reeeeeeeee"
>>676414553
No
*spills gasoline all over the place*
>>676414663
Sit on a cactus and turn on it faggot
>>676412525
As an aside that happened and it was brought upduring next review. I don't think they knew what went on but they whined about the length of the call. lol.
*lets out a silent fart*
*sexually assaults my secretary at gunpoint*
>>676414829
Ha, fuckin losers amirite?
>>676414809
>punches right on the nose and get my lighter back
guyz i dun goofed
I went on this one site and it said that I should delete system32 to fix my word document
computer isn't turning on
now I can't turn in that presentation due at 5pm for Jeff that fucking head manager
what do
TO: Employees in cubicle block C
FROM: Human Resources
All,
We are very sorry about the problems that several of you have been reporting. Unfortunately, we could not find the reason that the "walls of the cubicle smell like cum," nor are we able to "fire the fat guy." Pueblo from Janitorial Services will be stopping buy some time tomorrow to try and find a more permanent solution than soaking the walls with liquid ammona out of a spray bottle.
Ann Onn
Human Resources
>>676415338
Shit on his desk
>>676415338
You are stupid.
I can give you a copy of my folder, I'm just copying them to my floppies.
fuck...
i've been edging all day long...
*picks up phone* MELLISSA. MELLISSA. YEAH THATS WHAT I SAID KAREN, uh, Carol, yeah. *coughs* Call my wife and ask what's for dinner.
*hangs up phone, masturbates furiously*
>>676415775
I don't know Matt, I was going to get a decent sized promotion so I'd like to get this computer back running.
>>676415825
Well, a folder would be nice, but I would like a new version of this report. Anyone know if Beth wants to do a report in about ~50 minutes?
"Boss faggot, can I have a raise? My crow needs a new crowbed."
>>676415674
TO: Human Resources
From: Dave
Ann, I regret to inform you that having that fat Mexican around the work space causes delays in productivity, due to his constant spewing of Mexican bullshit, if you will not handle this I will take it up with the head of the office.
Dave
cubicle block C
>>676412501
Sorry. Don't pretend you didn't like it though xx ;)
>>676412988
>checked
I think you should lose some weight pal!
Also, it was labeled as Anonymous, what kind of joke is this?
Hey Tim, could you get me that nigger report? thanks
>Quits this shithole
>>676412988
It gets confusing when we are all called Anon, Anon
>>676416245
Oh, I don't have the report.
I thought you meant the sys32 folder. Can't help you with the report.
Wait, do we have an intranet??!
>>676417088
Just install google ultron for him, it will fix everything
>>676416638
i'm afraid that's above my pay grade. you're gonna have to take it up with corporate.
>>676413240
Yes...They're coming for you..Stand up and look to your left..
>>676417088
Well, assuming this is Matt, I'm sorry to say that no, I don't have the internet. One of the engineers, I think Wally was his name, told me that there was this "ring" that I should be looking for, but I haven't found it yet.
>>676417263
I'll ask one of those engineer type peoples, they seem more than intelligent enough to fix my computer.
>>676406883
*coughs*
>>676416439
TO: Dave
FROM: Human Resources
CC: Moot
Dave,
Please be courteous to your fellow overweight coworkers. We strive to maintain a positive atmosphere. We also are worried that you will take matters into your own hands. Submit a report and then do nothing, we do not need another stairwell incident.
Ann Onn
Human Resources
I just got back from talking to James on the phone, Is the printer now working?
SYRANA, WHERE ARE THOSE PHOTOCOPIES I ASKED FOR 3 HOURS AGO?!
>>676418056
no, there is still a dismembered finger stuck in the ink cartridge
I submitted a work order but i cant type Js anymore because that finger is gone
>>676418131
Sorry, the printer's not working, im trying to get IT to come fix it.
>>676418223
Really? Do we need to call an ambulance?
FROM: the IT guy
TO: everyone
All,
its not my job to fix all your shit
the IT guy
Fat Debby brought a straight up family size tray of lasagna for lunch today and ate the whole fucking thing in one sitting, bitch even had a diet coke with it
>>676418223
THats the red ink cartidge now m8
>>676418462
ive got a tampon jammed in the stump, ill be fine
>>676417949
TO: Human Rescources
From: Alan
Ann, I agree with Dave. Juan is dragging down the workplace, and we believe he is also behind the cum-smelling cubicles. I am fairly new to the office, so I don't know all of the sides to the matter. Sorry if i'm wasting your time
Alan Gioven
Cubicle block C
>>676418281
Fucking hell man, Jim said the IT guy was too busy jerking off.. Looks like Cory will have to fill in today, don't expect the printer to work until tomorrow...
>>676418281
>>676418497
Syrana, IT's a faggot, you know they wont fix it. You fixed it before, now do it again.
>>676418497
DEAR MR. IT GUY
"COMPUTERS BROKEN!!!!"
PHIL FOR FUCK'S SAKE THE MILLERS!
GET YOUR LAZY ASS AWAY FROM JESSICA'S PENIS.
who took my stapler?
>>676418497
FROM: Tech Department 2
TO: the IT guy
It is your job to help workers, this is a working environment and you must do what you are told, understand?
David
>>676417949
TO: Human Resources
FROM: IT Department
Ann Onn,
I am sorry to inform you of this, but the staff member known as moot actually left the company over a year ago, and has defected to google. I hope that this doesn't bring any problems to whatever email you were trying to get across.
Micheal Johnson
Head of the Communications Division of the IT Department
>>676418749
Cory reporting in! I was just doing my regular faggot shit, y'know. Getting in those lady undies. I know you get all hard from it, and we both know you like traps... So yeah. What do you need help with, Sam?
Hey, can someone fax me the ITT?
*goes to water cool to get some water and maybe a chat*
>>676419060
Niggers playing with their dicks.
#30303
ADAM JENSEN PLEASE REPORT TO YOUR OFFICE
>>676416376
you havent made a sale in a god damn month and you're asking me for a raise?!
Get your shit together Jeffrey, now get outa my office and take your charitymoney collectors box with you.
>>676418749
Cory?! I despise him, he's hardly been here a month and he's already manager of this place, how long is it going to be until he's doing all of our paychecks? Lucky bastard
>>676419235
Fuck you man. The boss-man likes me dressing up in lady clothes. Not my fault that you didn't do it first, faggot.
Hey guys I'm gluten free now, you should really think about cutting out gluten from your diet, I feel so much better and it's only been four days
>>676419157
>>676418900
WHERE'S ROY!?!?!?
>>676416245
There's a file that's too big for the floppies.
I'll print it instead.
>>676418223
Which printer is it?
Who used the last of the creamer from the break-room? I had to settle from some of the Jizz someone left on the wall.
this thread and the people in it are
fucking gay
Does that plane look a bit low to y
Hey uhh guys, shitter's clogged. I think this guy did it, anyone know who he is?
TO: Human Resources
FROM: Cubicle 22A
Anon, can you please tell Michael from Accounting that the bathroom is not his "personal fap space." I've caught him masturbating twice in the last week alone, and each time he's told me that his hands are cold and he's just trying to warm them up. The jig is up.
Thanks
Geeitz Chryst
WHO THE FUCK SHAT ON MY DESK
>>676408946
kek
>>676419361
I really hope you realize nobody likes you
>>676419977
The boss-man does. I make more money than you, so shut the fuck up, John.
>>676419977
>>676419933
>>676419855
Triple Checked
>>676419855
Skeletor.
>>676419760
HA
lost it
>>676419824
Sorry Geeitz, you've already been fired for position of child porn on your work computer, you were fired 3 months ago actually... so we were instructed by the boss to not listen to anything you say. Have a great day.
Thanks
Jack Reinfeld
>>676419855
Sorry bout that. Shitter's clogged.
>>676406883
>Walk up to boss
>I best IT guy ever
>See, me invent new firewall!
>Dumps gas & lighter fluid on & around computer
>Throws match
>See me do good! promotion now?!
WHY IS THE MOTHERFUCKING COFFEE COLD?
>>676420961
its been outsourced
Dennis just tweeted he's gonna shoot up the place cuz bossman fired his ass
>>676420961
Someone has a case of the Mondays...
>>676420961
I poured my heart and soul into it.
"The client is always right" my fucking ass sometimes the client it's a dumb cunt
Copy Marv and I in that email, will ya?
Lol I just shat in the urinal
Who put the mini camera inside the toilet of the female bathroom????
>logs in
>AH AH AH, YOU DIDN'T SAY THE MAGIC WORD
FIND NEDRY
CHECK THE VENDING MACHINES
>>676421176
I'm outta here.
Got some overtime to spare anyway.
>>676421286
how about you put some god damn milk in it next time kowalski
>>676421884
Me again. Gives me a nice boner.
>>676422198
HOW ABOUT I PUT YOUR PANCREAS IN IT NEXT TIME YOU PUNK ASS SHIT TICKLER???
THERE'S A DISTINCT SMELL OF STALE PISS IN HERE
NOT THAT I DON'T LIKE IT
>>676420961
I resigned from my last job after throwing an empty coffee pot at a coworker because it was roughly the 9th work day in a row he had filled his gigantic ass thermos with coffee and left the pot empty.
>>676418801
Have you tried switching it off an on again?
>>676422286
i should fire your ass... but... if you happen to have jenniffer taking a shit on tape we could work things out
I hope the boss rails me in his office
>>676410260
>Browsing 4chan
>Asking if disabled
Wut
I hate all of my white coworkers...except Tom. Tom is cool as fuck!
>>676410260
Ethnic minorities and the disabled are the same thing
>>676422810
Holy shit! There's a fucking spider in here! Fucking kill it!
Hey, who the fuck took all my post-its?!
This is the third time this has happened in 3 weeks!
>>676423329
I'm making a sticky note fort fuck off
To: Entire office
From: Steve
Subject: Lunch in the fridge
Who the fuck keeps eating my burrito, why the fuck can't you fat fucks bring your own lunch. For fuck sakes what do you think this is Google. We are suppose to be much more civilized.
Anon mc [email protected]
>>676423034
take pictures of it!
>>676421176
EVERYBODY JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND LET ME THINK!!!
>>676423329
How do you think I remember all my evil plans fucknugget?
>>676422754
Bitch dont shit
>>676423965
it's taking pictures of ME!
>>676424018
You won't do it fagget
Fuck becky from accounting!
>>676424574
i am
Question : Why have you not come to schrute farm yet?
>>676424171
Listen Skeltal or whatever the fuck your name is, office supplies are fucking expensive, not to mention the gas money I need to make the 5 mile journey to the fucking supply store.
If I catch you doing that shit again I will staple your balls to the underside of your desk and your dick to the topside then flip it.
>>676406883
WHO THE FUCK HAS MY MOTHERFUCKING STAPLER?!
I SWEAR TO GOD STEVE IF THAT'S YOU AND YOU'VE USED ALL THE STAPLES AGAIN I'M GOING TO HOLEPUNCH YOUR FUCKING DICK.
>>676406883
WHERE ARE MY DUBS? I SWEAR I LEFT THEM ON MY DESK A FEW MINUTES AGO!
To: Office.Staff; Warehouse.Staff; Maintenance.Staff; Drivers.Staff;
From: Rick
Subject: Dildo left near toilet
Body: Fellow Office Employees, someone left a double ended dildo in the second stall in the third floor men's restroom. It looked about 18 inches long. I have turned it in to Suzie who keeps all the Lost and Found items.
Please see Suzie to pick up your lost Double Ended Dildo.
Have a wonderful day,
Rick Springton
This message is intended for the sole use of the recipient. This message is not to be retransmitted or duplicated without the consent of the author. If this message has reached you in error, please delete it and inform the author that it was sent to you in error.
>>676425314
sorry i needed them more
>>676425248
*Quietly slips stapler onto your desk and hopes you don't notice*
>>676425053
You bumbling buffoon! Soon all of you shall be working for ME after I enslave the planet! You have no idea who you are dealing with weakling. Now get back to work or you shall face Skeletor's Wrath!
Mmm! God damn Jimmy! This is some serious gourmet shit! Me and Vincent would've been satisfied with freeze dried Taster's Choice right. And he springs this gourmet shit on us. What flavor is this?
>>676407939
That grammar tho. Fix yourself before picking on your coworkers, Rob.
To: IT.Services
From: CEO
Hey wankers,
When you will be done using company bandwith to download questionnable porn can you stop being fully retarded for a sec and remove the fucking FW rules that you applied to my IP?
I already told that these rules are for the employees not for the head office. Internet is unusable atm I can't fucking access to MyFreeCams or Motherless and I have a meeting in one hour.
